Would u let your 1 year old travel abroad without you?

[Roserm]

Hi

Really need some advice.

My abusive ex partner has requested to have our 1 year old for 2 weeks in the summer holidays and all of the other school holidays this year.

We currently have a court order in place since July 2021. This states he is to have contact every fortnight for 3 nights and is not to remove her from the country without my consent.

I’ve suggested he have her for 1 week at most at any one time to begin with as she currently only sees him for 3 nights every fortnight. I think a gradual increase is important rather than going from 3 nights to 2 weeks. That’s a long time for a baby who won’t really understand what’s going on. Is this unreasonable?

I also suggested we half the holidays. He thinks this is unfair as his contact already falls in the holiday period and this shouldn’t be included. He feels he should have the holidays on top of this.

He has also stated that he is planning a family vacation to take our child out of the country for 2 weeks which I am not in agreement with. He stated that unless there’s a medical reason he will be taking her.

My reasons for not being in agreement with this just yet is that in order for us to make this arrangement between ourselves work, we need good communication and trust and respect. And we don’t have this just yet.

There would also be no legal enforcement put in place if we arrange this between ourselves and this scares me because even with a court order he just does what he wants

Also considering our child’s age, if she is to go abroad with him, I don’t feel assured he would give me correct contact details or information about where she’s going and flight details etc which I think are very reasonable requests. I think any parent would appreciate this information and don’t see any reason why the other parent wouldn’t share it with them.

He has consistently been hours late for handovers which I think is really disrespectful towards me and my time. He has constantly requested to change the order every week last minute to suit him. I have tried to accommodated where best I can and have done more than I needed to already.

He recently had issues with providing me details of where our child is staying during contact with him without any good reason and then gave me false information even though the court order states he is to inform me where she is staying before contact. I couldn’t understand this and thought it was really unnecessary to do that and felt we went backwards in progress.

He also stated a couple times that he may not be able to return our child to my care when agreed and tried to negotiate keeping her which lead me having to seek legal advice and threaten him with legal action in which he then returned her.

I don’t want to feel intimidated into letting her go abroad when I feel this way or giving in to the holidays and not getting to spend any of that time with her and our family but I feel like he is trying to achieve that.

What do I do? I need some advice.

I don’t want to communicate with him anymore about it because I feel like it’s getting no where.

Do I stop replying to his emails and seek legal advice again?

Or am I being unreasonable, if so how?

Thanks I’m advanced.

You are doing absolutely the right thing given his history and the language he is using.

In circumstances of shred care and a loving dad I wouldn't think twice about them having the dc for a holiday abroad for a few weeks. But this is no such situation.

I agree with above posters that the "religious and medical treatments" wording is a huge red flag.

Deep breaths. You've got this

Thanks everyone. I’ve honestly never known anything like it. I blame myself because I never saw the red flags in the beginning. I just wish things were different. There are some really respectful trustworthy supportive dads out there that just wouldn’t do all this and I honestly wish that my ex was one. I just don’t understand it and never will. But I’m just really glad that I’m not alone in my thoughts right now reading all the posts. Dreading court again but somehow, I doubt this will be the last time either..

It might be worth talking to child protection services too if they aren't involved already and explain your worries about FGM and abduction.

Stick religiously to the order. If you go back to court, you cannot be faulted for following the judge's orders. There is no need for you to accommodate any requests to change times/dates. Suggest you stop doing this immediately!! It'll ruffle feathers but once you get your head into that mindset it'll be easier. He's breaching the existing order if he does anything else. School holiday access is a complete nonsense when your child is 1!!!

It might be possible to apply for a non-removal order i.e. a court order that formally stops her from being removed from the country.

How are things going @Roserm ?

Stressful.. had to find a new solicitor as the one I had before who was still giving me advice, said she can’t take any more work on. She’s been there since the beginning up until now, and I felt so disheartened by that, I’m really confused to be honest but what can I do.. I’m in the process now of finding someone else. I’ve had a couple consultations with different solicitors who say my ex sounds very controlling but with regards to him taking our baby abroad, the judge will most likely allow it!! Even with everything he’s done.. because even though he has been difficult he has still brought her back. I just feel so hopeless right now. She’s just a baby. And even through this whole court process, he is still emailing me asking me for favours! I’ve not responded. My heads a mess. 😢

I'm sorry I don't have any legal advice, have you told the solicitors about the abduction risk and reference to making medical conditions (and potential FGM)?

I'd stick to the court order as allowing favours only looks better for him pushing for more if he takes you back to court.