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Original poster

Would u let your 1 year old travel abroad without you?

182 replies

Roserm · 26/01/2022 22:16

Hi

Really need some advice.

My abusive ex partner has requested to have our 1 year old for 2 weeks in the summer holidays and all of the other school holidays this year.

We currently have a court order in place since July 2021. This states he is to have contact every fortnight for 3 nights and is not to remove her from the country without my consent.

I’ve suggested he have her for 1 week at most at any one time to begin with as she currently only sees him for 3 nights every fortnight. I think a gradual increase is important rather than going from 3 nights to 2 weeks. That’s a long time for a baby who won’t really understand what’s going on. Is this unreasonable?

I also suggested we half the holidays. He thinks this is unfair as his contact already falls in the holiday period and this shouldn’t be included. He feels he should have the holidays on top of this.

He has also stated that he is planning a family vacation to take our child out of the country for 2 weeks which I am not in agreement with. He stated that unless there’s a medical reason he will be taking her.

My reasons for not being in agreement with this just yet is that in order for us to make this arrangement between ourselves work, we need good communication and trust and respect. And we don’t have this just yet.

There would also be no legal enforcement put in place if we arrange this between ourselves and this scares me because even with a court order he just does what he wants

Also considering our child’s age, if she is to go abroad with him, I don’t feel assured he would give me correct contact details or information about where she’s going and flight details etc which I think are very reasonable requests. I think any parent would appreciate this information and don’t see any reason why the other parent wouldn’t share it with them.

He has consistently been hours late for handovers which I think is really disrespectful towards me and my time. He has constantly requested to change the order every week last minute to suit him. I have tried to accommodated where best I can and have done more than I needed to already.

He recently had issues with providing me details of where our child is staying during contact with him without any good reason and then gave me false information even though the court order states he is to inform me where she is staying before contact. I couldn’t understand this and thought it was really unnecessary to do that and felt we went backwards in progress.

He also stated a couple times that he may not be able to return our child to my care when agreed and tried to negotiate keeping her which lead me having to seek legal advice and threaten him with legal action in which he then returned her.

I don’t want to feel intimidated into letting her go abroad when I feel this way or giving in to the holidays and not getting to spend any of that time with her and our family but I feel like he is trying to achieve that.

What do I do? I need some advice.

I don’t want to communicate with him anymore about it because I feel like it’s getting no where.

Do I stop replying to his emails and seek legal advice again?

Or am I being unreasonable, if so how?

Thanks I’m advanced.

OP posts:
NellieWellietheEllie · 27/01/2022 09:21

Like everyone else said, do not under any circumstances let him take her out the country.

NellieWellietheEllie · 27/01/2022 09:24

Sadly I know someone whose child was abducted abroad. Because the child is in a country which hasn't signed up to international laws on abduction, there's basically nothing the UK government can do. Even though the child has British citizenship.

whenthedoveslie · 27/01/2022 09:26

Not a chance in hell given all you have said.

hypeman · 27/01/2022 09:28

You need to go back to court.

I'm sorry you're going through the stress of this.

Your concerns seem genuine and in the best interests of your child so I'm sure you'll be successful in court as you're offering compromises that suit the child better.

I'm sorry you'll suffer the emotional and financial cost of this.

You sound like a wonderful mother.

Rivermonsters · 27/01/2022 09:46

Don’t let her go, this just screams textbook child abduction

AlternativePerspective · 27/01/2022 09:50

I would go to court and seek an order for supervised contact only on the basis you fear he is an abduction risk.

I don’t want to be alarmist but just not agreeing to her being taken out of the country isn’t enough. It’s entirely possible he could take her on one of his scheduled visits, fly abroad with her on a false passport and never come back. The dates here are irrelevant. If she’s at risk of abduction from being taken abroad on an agreed date, she’s at risk of abduction abroad at any time. you can never trust him. Ever.

You can’t know that whenever he collects her he is going to bring her back.

If he’s devious enough he just won’t tell you when he’s planning to take her and will just take her anyway.

I’ve read about parents whose fathers picked them up for normal contact time and then disappeared with them never to be seen again.

Legal advice ASAP, and if possible stop all contact as of now, but you need to get advice on doing that. But I believe there are emergency court orders you can obtain for that, and if you have it in writing that he’ll be taking her whatever the courts say you have good grounds for fearing abduction.

JustLyra · 27/01/2022 10:02

I think you need to get legal advice very very urgently.

You also need to find out what you can do about the late returns - normalising being 3/4 hours late back is worrying as that gives him time to get flights without anyone really being overly alarmed because it’s normal

BigValue · 27/01/2022 10:11

No way.

james85 · 27/01/2022 10:23

It would not be a return ticket!

MrsNettle · 27/01/2022 10:24

As @AlternativePerspective has said, he can take her on his regular contact and go straight to the airport with a fake passport(s).
It's probably hard to understand how easy it is to get a Nigerian passport with any details you want. Corruption is rife and it will be issued by the same authority as the legal and genuine ones. No one at the airport will be able to tell.
He can get one for himself too with a different name and DOB.

One thing makes me wonder - if he wanted to do it, he could have already done that. Perhaps he doesn't give you enough credit for being able to figure this out. Only you know how likely it is to happen. How strong his connection to Nigeria is? Was he born there? Where do his parents live?

LittleGwyneth · 27/01/2022 11:45

Not a fucking chance.

AnneElliott · 27/01/2022 11:48

Agree with everyone else - and especially how easy it is to get false Nigerian passports. Some are easy to spot (like those that spelt Nigeria wrong Hmm) but because of corruption you can get genuine ones with fake details from people that work in their Gov passport office.

Definitely get legal advice ASAP about how to flag up potential abduction.

GaiusHelenMohiam · 27/01/2022 11:50

Honestly in your position I would move, change your names and just get on with your life.

Hangthetowels · 27/01/2022 12:18

Not in a billion years!!!!!

horsesanddrywhitewine · 27/01/2022 12:20

Have you ever looked into Apple air tags @Roserm ?

They're not in any way a solution to any of your problems but you've already had some great advice on here in that regard. I don't really trust my in laws and so when my children are with them, I put an air tag in their bag. They're location devices - I can see where they are and it gives me peace of mind. They're tiny, the battery lasts a year and they work in location as long as there is another iPhone nearby - look into them, they're worth it, even if only for checking she's nowhere near an airport before it's too late x

Dubgirl1212 · 27/01/2022 12:21

Absolutely no way, never.

Somethingsnappy · 27/01/2022 13:24

Have you applied for a passport for her now OP? ASAP.

AlternativePerspective · 27/01/2022 14:04

Honestly in your position I would move, change your names and just get on with your life. as tempting as that is she really shouldn’t.

It is far better that the OP go through official channels for this, because the instant she starts to be obstructive he will have leverage with the courts. And should she disappear with the DD and be found there is every possibility he could be awarded residency.

It is far better to do these things officially and by the book.

confusedwithschool · 27/01/2022 14:47

Pls I'm also a Nigerian

DONT ALLOW HIM

MumInBrussels · 27/01/2022 15:04

Hopefully you won't ever need this, but www.gov.uk/government/publications/international-parental-child-abduction might be of interest.

blyn72 · 27/01/2022 15:54

I had a good Nigerian friend and colleague who was established in the UK. She had been married to a Nigerian man and had two children born in England. He took them to Nigeria and refused to return them. She went out to Nigeria and with the help of her parents, managed to track them down. She was able to get them back and said the British embassy was very helpful, quick and efficient as both children were British but it was a trying time for her.

3scape · 27/01/2022 16:01

No. And secure the passport

Allsorts1 · 27/01/2022 16:34

I think your priority should be getting her a passport. Don’t ask him or say anything about passports as you don’t want him to hear any alarm bells if he was planning something.

For the holiday, for now don’t reply to the email and if he asks in person on pick up just say something non committal like “I’m thinking about it”.

Then see a solicitor and get her a passport ASAP. And then once that is sorted, you can email to refuse the holiday in writing.

Xmasbaby11 · 27/01/2022 16:43

No way.

3 days at a time is more than enough. He is lucky to have got that.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/01/2022 19:01

Stop being by so accommodating - you are setting a precedence that shouldn’t continue. Stick to the letter of the court order each and every time. Every time he is late, report him.
Log everything.
Do not swap dates and times.
Get her a I’m passport and get it flagged.

Do not discuss school holidays or make any agreements concerning them until she is in school. And when you do get there, he only gets the equivalent of his three days/two weeks as per court order; if he wants anything else he can take you back to court.
Be strong for your daughter-he has just found another way to abuse you.