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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would u let your 1 year old travel abroad without you?

182 replies

Roserm · 26/01/2022 22:16

Hi

Really need some advice.

My abusive ex partner has requested to have our 1 year old for 2 weeks in the summer holidays and all of the other school holidays this year.

We currently have a court order in place since July 2021. This states he is to have contact every fortnight for 3 nights and is not to remove her from the country without my consent.

I’ve suggested he have her for 1 week at most at any one time to begin with as she currently only sees him for 3 nights every fortnight. I think a gradual increase is important rather than going from 3 nights to 2 weeks. That’s a long time for a baby who won’t really understand what’s going on. Is this unreasonable?

I also suggested we half the holidays. He thinks this is unfair as his contact already falls in the holiday period and this shouldn’t be included. He feels he should have the holidays on top of this.

He has also stated that he is planning a family vacation to take our child out of the country for 2 weeks which I am not in agreement with. He stated that unless there’s a medical reason he will be taking her.

My reasons for not being in agreement with this just yet is that in order for us to make this arrangement between ourselves work, we need good communication and trust and respect. And we don’t have this just yet.

There would also be no legal enforcement put in place if we arrange this between ourselves and this scares me because even with a court order he just does what he wants

Also considering our child’s age, if she is to go abroad with him, I don’t feel assured he would give me correct contact details or information about where she’s going and flight details etc which I think are very reasonable requests. I think any parent would appreciate this information and don’t see any reason why the other parent wouldn’t share it with them.

He has consistently been hours late for handovers which I think is really disrespectful towards me and my time. He has constantly requested to change the order every week last minute to suit him. I have tried to accommodated where best I can and have done more than I needed to already.

He recently had issues with providing me details of where our child is staying during contact with him without any good reason and then gave me false information even though the court order states he is to inform me where she is staying before contact. I couldn’t understand this and thought it was really unnecessary to do that and felt we went backwards in progress.

He also stated a couple times that he may not be able to return our child to my care when agreed and tried to negotiate keeping her which lead me having to seek legal advice and threaten him with legal action in which he then returned her.

I don’t want to feel intimidated into letting her go abroad when I feel this way or giving in to the holidays and not getting to spend any of that time with her and our family but I feel like he is trying to achieve that.

What do I do? I need some advice.

I don’t want to communicate with him anymore about it because I feel like it’s getting no where.

Do I stop replying to his emails and seek legal advice again?

Or am I being unreasonable, if so how?

Thanks I’m advanced.

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/01/2022 19:01

UK not I’m

Motherofalittledragon · 27/01/2022 22:46

No chance in hell, you need legal advice urgently.

Soontobe60 · 28/01/2022 08:51

@Allsorts1

I think your priority should be getting her a passport. Don’t ask him or say anything about passports as you don’t want him to hear any alarm bells if he was planning something.

For the holiday, for now don’t reply to the email and if he asks in person on pick up just say something non committal like “I’m thinking about it”.

Then see a solicitor and get her a passport ASAP. And then once that is sorted, you can email to refuse the holiday in writing.

He cannot get her a passport himself without mums permission, either a UK one or a Nigerian one.
Original poster
Roserm · 01/02/2022 10:40

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for not making me feel like I was going crazy and give you all an update!

I spoke to my solicitor who said stick to the court order as she senses he definitely has an ulterior motive which is possibly shared custody or full custody.

I applied for a passport for her. Unfortunately the passport office were unable to tell me beforehand if an application was already made by him so I just made one anyway. Hopefully it’s successful and I hear back soon. Will definitely keep it safe as advised by everyone here as well as my solicitor.

Daughters dad has been messaging me constantly which I’ve not replied to yet. The last message he sent was him informing me he is re-registering our daughters birth to add his details. And said to do this, he needs a copy of her passport and some signatures from me. I phoned the registry office this morning and this is untrue. They only need his ID and our daughters original birth certificate which he can obtain himself. Not sure what he is trying to do there but I don’t intend on replying. I also assume by his message that maybe he hasn’t applied for her passport yet!

OP posts:
Somethingsnappy · 01/02/2022 10:46

Yes, that definitely sounds like a good sign that you're the first to apply for a passport. Well done!

iCouldSleepForAYear · 01/02/2022 10:56

Glad you're getting support from your solicitor and from here. Raised red flags for me too.

Even if he could prove that he wasn't planning an abduction, the idea isn't good for a baby at all. Your baby girl would be devastated being separated from her mummy for that long. Two weeks may as well be two years at that age. If he was a truly engaged father, he'd know that instinctively and find other ways to spend quality time with her instead, such as a wee mini-break in the UK.

Soul11Soul · 01/02/2022 11:03

Even in the best case scenario and he is just talking about a holiday, two weeks is too long for a baby. They perceive time differently to us so two weeks would make her feel very insecure.

Your recent post however makes it sound like he does have ulterior motive. You have done the right thing getting a passport. Now make sure when you get it that it is kept somewhere very safe.

iCouldSleepForAYear · 01/02/2022 11:06

FWIW, my DH and I have taken my stepdaughter abroad to visit family. Her first trip was when she was about 6 years old. We wrote in a letter for the border guards, which her mum signed, what date we were flying out, when we were flying back, the addresses of where we were staying, phone numbers for the places we were staying (and my parents' mob numbers as emergency contacts too), and what the purpose of our trip was. DSD's mum kept a copy of this letter. We forwarded copies of our eTickets to her mum, so she could track the flights (and she did). We agreed on times for phone calls, including a text as soon as we landed.

DH's parents, sister, BIL and niece also happened to come along on that first excursion (it was a big 2nd wedding reception for family that couldn't make it to the UK one). So, a lot of reassurance that she'd come home and that DSD's mum had enough information to track down her daughter if it came to that.

Every time we've taken DSD abroad, we've contacted her mum before even booking tickets to discuss our plans, and have shared every travel related detail we had with her. If some kind of emergency happened on either end while we were away (may it never 🤞🙏) I would want DSD and her mum to be able to know ASAP.

Bagamoyo1 · 01/02/2022 11:11

@thegirlwiththelongblackhair

I'm from Afghanistan.

My family member literally split up from his girlfriend (English girl) he told her he was taking the children to Spain for few days with grandparents.
They went to Afghanistan. And they have never returned. Infact they are still there now and the dad is back in the uk. Left them there with his parents.

These things happen a lot. And just think your 1 year old would literally not know who you are if she gets taken to Nigeria and never returned.

Abusive men don't think of their childrens feelings just their own revenge/selfishness.

Get a passport asap. Never let him take your child anywhere out of this country. Flag this to the courts too.

Do you know where they are? Can’t you tell their poor mum?
Thelnebriati · 01/02/2022 11:20

Your update is raising more red flags, and I think you need to escalate. Let your solicitor know today, and tell them how worried you are that he is a kidnapping risk.

Excited101 · 01/02/2022 11:24

That’s one of the dodgiest things I’ve ever heard op, be very careful and get all the advice you can. Do not trust him.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 01/02/2022 11:39

No way!!!!! Hide her passport!

Original poster
Roserm · 19/02/2022 08:58

So just another update, I received court letters a couple days ago. He has made an application and is now taking me back to court to take her on holiday, decide who she should live with again, allow him to give medical treatment, to talk about religious issues and a prohibit steps order from relocating out of England. Honestly the anxiety I’m going through right now. It’s only been 7 months since the final hearing. Why is he doing this! Some of it doesn’t even make sense to me, medical treatment? Religion? What is he even on about? I am praying the judge sees right through him and how controlling this is.

OP posts:
LouOver · 19/02/2022 09:17

OP you need to speak to your solicitor and potentially get specialist help in the prevention of FGM. The risk of this is enough to put stoppage on him every being able to take her abroad and I think there's enough evidence to suspect of this.

Ionlydomassiveones · 19/02/2022 09:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

StarsandStones · 19/02/2022 09:37

Just wanting to wish you strength. Get your sollicitor involved, as PP have mentioned.

Earlier you mentioned he wanted you to sign documents so he could apply for a British passport. But maybe he needed this for a Nigerian one? Could he take her out of the country with only a Nigerian one?

Take care. And keep logs of everything that happened/is happening.

Original poster
Roserm · 19/02/2022 09:50

I have contacted my solicitor so just waiting for her to get back to me now and see what she advises. I have got all the receipts and kept documents of everything thank god! The strength I need for all this is unreal

OP posts:
babyjellyfish · 19/02/2022 09:52

Not in a million years.

VillanellesOrangeCoat · 19/02/2022 09:55

@LouOver

OP you need to speak to your solicitor and potentially get specialist help in the prevention of FGM. The risk of this is enough to put stoppage on him every being able to take her abroad and I think there's enough evidence to suspect of this.
Absolutely this, OP. Seek advice & I really hope this goes your way Flowers
CandyLeBonBon · 19/02/2022 10:03

@Roserm

So just another update, I received court letters a couple days ago. He has made an application and is now taking me back to court to take her on holiday, decide who she should live with again, allow him to give medical treatment, to talk about religious issues and a prohibit steps order from relocating out of England. Honestly the anxiety I’m going through right now. It’s only been 7 months since the final hearing. Why is he doing this! Some of it doesn’t even make sense to me, medical treatment? Religion? What is he even on about? I am praying the judge sees right through him and how controlling this is.
The 'Medical treatment' issue sounds especially unsettling op, especially at such a young age. I wish you well - it doesn't sound like he has your DD's best interests at heart here at all.
FelicityPike · 19/02/2022 10:03

Terrifying.
I wish you well.

CoastalWave · 19/02/2022 10:09

I don't understand why an 'abusive' ex partner is allowed any contact at all with a 1 year old. child. What the hell is going on with our systems?? Never mind the going abroad thing, I wouldn't want her going for even 3 nights. :S

JADS · 19/02/2022 10:11

Big red flags Op re medical treatment. Seek specialist advice from your solicitor about risk of FGM.

zingally · 19/02/2022 10:12

Never. This is a whole world of hell no.

There's screaming red flags all over this. She'll disappear into the ether and you'll never see her again.

Apply for a passport for her... like, yesterday. Then make sure it's in a location only you know.
Make sure you have eyes on all her ID documents, such as birth certificates. Literally go and look at them now. Check and double-check they are where you think they are.

VickyEadieofThigh · 19/02/2022 10:13

@MrsSkylerWhite

“We currently have a court order in place since July 2021. This states he is to have contact every fortnight for 3 nights and is not to remove her from the country without my consent.”

End of. Non-negotiable. They can come here.

THIS!

Stick to it. And do as others have suggested by getting her a passport and keeping it safe.