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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would u let your 1 year old travel abroad without you?

182 replies

Roserm · 26/01/2022 22:16

Hi

Really need some advice.

My abusive ex partner has requested to have our 1 year old for 2 weeks in the summer holidays and all of the other school holidays this year.

We currently have a court order in place since July 2021. This states he is to have contact every fortnight for 3 nights and is not to remove her from the country without my consent.

I’ve suggested he have her for 1 week at most at any one time to begin with as she currently only sees him for 3 nights every fortnight. I think a gradual increase is important rather than going from 3 nights to 2 weeks. That’s a long time for a baby who won’t really understand what’s going on. Is this unreasonable?

I also suggested we half the holidays. He thinks this is unfair as his contact already falls in the holiday period and this shouldn’t be included. He feels he should have the holidays on top of this.

He has also stated that he is planning a family vacation to take our child out of the country for 2 weeks which I am not in agreement with. He stated that unless there’s a medical reason he will be taking her.

My reasons for not being in agreement with this just yet is that in order for us to make this arrangement between ourselves work, we need good communication and trust and respect. And we don’t have this just yet.

There would also be no legal enforcement put in place if we arrange this between ourselves and this scares me because even with a court order he just does what he wants

Also considering our child’s age, if she is to go abroad with him, I don’t feel assured he would give me correct contact details or information about where she’s going and flight details etc which I think are very reasonable requests. I think any parent would appreciate this information and don’t see any reason why the other parent wouldn’t share it with them.

He has consistently been hours late for handovers which I think is really disrespectful towards me and my time. He has constantly requested to change the order every week last minute to suit him. I have tried to accommodated where best I can and have done more than I needed to already.

He recently had issues with providing me details of where our child is staying during contact with him without any good reason and then gave me false information even though the court order states he is to inform me where she is staying before contact. I couldn’t understand this and thought it was really unnecessary to do that and felt we went backwards in progress.

He also stated a couple times that he may not be able to return our child to my care when agreed and tried to negotiate keeping her which lead me having to seek legal advice and threaten him with legal action in which he then returned her.

I don’t want to feel intimidated into letting her go abroad when I feel this way or giving in to the holidays and not getting to spend any of that time with her and our family but I feel like he is trying to achieve that.

What do I do? I need some advice.

I don’t want to communicate with him anymore about it because I feel like it’s getting no where.

Do I stop replying to his emails and seek legal advice again?

Or am I being unreasonable, if so how?

Thanks I’m advanced.

OP posts:
UserWithNoUserName · 19/02/2022 10:31

Absolutely not.
Is your baby in any way entitled to a passport from another country? I don't want to scare you, but if so, is it possible he already has or is the process of applying for that?
Definitely get proper legal advice.

zafferana · 19/02/2022 10:44

I wouldn't even admit to him that you have applied for a passport for her, or that you have one in your possession and I certainly wouldn't be sharing any details of it with him. Reading your posts it sounds to me like he plans to abduct her and take her to Nigeria. I wouldn't be replying to any of his messages or giving him any information apart from liaising about the court-mandated 3 days' contact. I would also stop being at all accommodating about extra days, flexibility of visits or anything. You don't owe him shit. Be very cautious and do everything through your lawyer. He is trying to scare you (and succeeding), but keep your nerve, keep note of everything and keep your lawyer appraised of every move he makes.

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/02/2022 10:50

Legal advice pronto. You cannot manage this alone.

Absolute no to taking her out of the country, which he is not allowed to do according to the terms of your agreement. Similarly, he cannot take all the holidays according to your agreement.

Make a note of all the things he has done to break the agreement so far (deliberately falsifying his address is a huge security breach) and then get legal advice.

Be very formal with him.

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/02/2022 10:52

And as other PPs say, I think you have to assume the worst - that he intends to take her to Nigeria and not return her - and act accordingly. Do not give an inch.

Original poster
Roserm · 19/02/2022 10:54

I am just so traumatised from the way he treated me but that pretty much gets dismissed in court when it comes to our daughter. It is treated like two completely separate issues which I think is wrong. I don’t have much faith in the system at all so I’m very stressed and nervous. The hearing is not until May.

OP posts:
Original poster
Roserm · 19/02/2022 10:59

I think the reason he is taking me back to court is because I’ve stopped being so accommodating.. I’m doing exactly what the court order says and he’s not happy with that. He wants more. He wrote in his application that I’m not willing to make arrangements outside of the order or cooperate or communicate about our daughter etc.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 19/02/2022 11:05

@Roserm

I think the reason he is taking me back to court is because I’ve stopped being so accommodating.. I’m doing exactly what the court order says and he’s not happy with that. He wants more. He wrote in his application that I’m not willing to make arrangements outside of the order or cooperate or communicate about our daughter etc.
I'm fairly sure that, shit though the system is, the court will not consider it necessary for you to flex on court ordered arrangements? It's a court order, not a set of guidance notes. At least I hope that's how they view it. Stick to the letter of the order, keep your head down, don't engage with his nonsense and get some good legal support op. I really feel for you Thanks
Luredbyapomegranate · 19/02/2022 11:20

I am sorry OP.

Get the legal advice, and make sure his points are countered with yours.

BryanAdamsLeftAnkle · 19/02/2022 12:06

Please show all, text messages to your solicitor. Do not delete any of them. Tell your solicitor to write a letter that all contact from now must go through them. His harassment needs nipped and you can't do that yourself sadly. Huge hugs x

nancynoname · 19/02/2022 12:33

The religion and medical issues scream some sort of abuse to me; likely female genital mutilation. Like hell would a nutter like that be coming anywhere near my child.

I'd be trying to get his contact reduced (or even better, cancelled, though that is highly unlikely unfortunately) once you go back to court.

FeedMeSantiago · 19/02/2022 13:24

Definitely get legal advice. Keep copies off all communication (if the messages are from WhatsApp screenshot them).

Get a passport for DD and keep it somewhere safe that he can't access, like a safe.

FeedMeSantiago · 19/02/2022 13:29

Also, keep a log of the issues as they happen and go back to what you can remember from old messages.

Note every time you amend contact for him, every time he's late bringing her back and for how long and the communication around this.

MadeForThis · 19/02/2022 13:35

FGM can happen in the uk too. It's obviously totally illegal but it is still practiced.

babyjellyfish · 19/02/2022 13:45

I'd be tempted to mention to your solicitor/the court that you have concerns about FGM.

Even putting the idea in their heads might be enough to convince them not to allow your ex to take your child out of the country under any circumstances.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/02/2022 13:48

Good god no. He doesn’t take her abroad ever, not to a country where he has family and you don’t in particular, and not to a country where it’s hard to get a child back.

I agree get a passport and keep it with you so he can’t get another one.

Also apply to court for a prohibited steps order - get legal advice if you can. Make a note of all the problems you’ve had with him and contact too, to show the court.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/02/2022 13:51

Shit, sorry I didn’t read the latest updates.

Same as I said before but definitely get legal advice to counter his application. I also think the points re medical treatment and religion are disturbing- it should help your argument that she could be at risk of FGM if he takes her.

Hopefully the court can see through this clearly deeply unpleasant man.

Blossom987 · 19/02/2022 15:05

I don’t have any experience in this area but I wanted to ask OP, are you confident in your solicitor? Are they taking abduction risk seriously and have they given you advice on how best to mitigate any risk? If not I would be looking elsewhere and trying to find someone with more experience in this area.

Honestly I feel sick to the stomach reading this thread so I can’t imagine how you feel.

CecilyP · 19/02/2022 15:14

He wrote in his application that I’m not willing to make arrangements outside of the order or cooperate or communicate about our daughter etc.

Obviously, contact your solicitor, but you do have evidence of having gone out of your way to be obliging and he has repaid this by messing you about. You also have evidence that he is a liar if he said he needed your DD’s passport in order to be included on the birth certificate.

PinkSyCo · 19/02/2022 15:42

The religion and medical issues scream some sort of abuse to me; likely female genital mutilation. Like hell would a nutter like that be coming anywhere near my child.

This was my first thought too. I have no other advice to add to what you have already been given, but just wanted to say that you sound like a brilliant mum OP and you a lot stronger than you think, so don’t let that fucker grind you down or make you think that you are being unreasonable in any way, when in fact you have been too nice and too accommodating if anything.

montessorinanny · 19/02/2022 15:59

Please do not let your ex take your child overseas. Especially when you say he has family in Nigeria and is talking about medical issues. I work in childcare and everything you are mentioned would be warning signs for me to notify my local safeguarding that I felt the child would be in danger.

figuringoutmylife · 19/02/2022 17:18

Never ever would I allow my young child out of the country in these circumstances.

Definitely get solicitor involved and keep a record of all communication.

3 nights in a fortnight seems like where contact should stay. I would not be looking to increase at this point. Especially given her age.

sugarrosepetal · 19/02/2022 17:25

Do not communicate with him via any other form other than email. That way you have a written paper trail. Keep a diary of everything said and done (date, time, who was there, were there any witnesses, if so, who? What was said, what was done, etc).

Do not give anything more than the court order from now on. He is still playing the control and cohercion card. This is illegal and will not go down well.

Indoctro · 19/02/2022 17:56

If that child leaves uk to Africa with him she will take he coming back. Do not trust him ever.

Also if he isn't paying for her why is he allowed to see her.? I would stop contact until he starts paying his dues for her.

Kids need money they aren't raised on magic beans. He needs to cough up if he wants to be part of her life.

CandyLeBonBon · 19/02/2022 19:38

@Indoctro

If that child leaves uk to Africa with him she will take he coming back. Do not trust him ever.

Also if he isn't paying for her why is he allowed to see her.? I would stop contact until he starts paying his dues for her.

Kids need money they aren't raised on magic beans. He needs to cough up if he wants to be part of her life.

Sadly that's not how these things work. There is a court order in place and unless op gets a variation, she must follow the order. Your comment is really poor advice.
Sofiegiraffe · 19/02/2022 19:43

Dear god, no chance. I have an almost 1 year old and this made me feel physically sick. Please don't let her go OP.