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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won't/can't get up.

373 replies

Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 17:20

DH is a very deep sleeper who sleeps through alarms and could probably sleep through an earthquake. He works 4 nights a week but always gets his 8 hours in before a shift. This is also a problem when he's off work.

It has become my job to wake him up, the problem is I have to go back in 3 or 4 times before he actually gets up. I wake him, he responds, then as soon as I leave the room he goes back to sleep.

When I return he's wrapped himself back up in the quilt and changed positions.

It's easy to say leave him to it and don't bother but not waking him would impact the rest of the family, me, and also his job.

I've just been to get him up three times for his dinner as requested after he's had his 8 hours sleep.

He's not working tonight so after cooking, cleaning and caring for three children all day including 3mo baby.. I want a bloody break myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 18:00

The kids are in there now, still not awake.

He'll sleep through their requests for him to wake up until one of them jumps on him and then he'll spend the next 15 minutes saying how much his back/leg hurts from being jumped on 😐

OP posts:
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 26/01/2022 18:01

So he had her as an alarm clock, then his DP's again and now me.

Stop enabling him.

OnlyClothes · 26/01/2022 18:01

You (and when I say you I mean HE) can get an app that wakes you up at an appropriate time in his sleep cycle. So say the alarm is set for 7, it’ll wake you up anytime before then, at the part you are sleeping less deeply. I think you put your phone on the mattress or something???

But basically, he’s a grown man. Medical issues or not, it’s his thing to solve (you said he ‘won’t’ go to the GP) and he has to ride out the natural consequences, and if that means losing his job, getting a day job, divorce, whatever, that’s his problem. Don’t baby him.

crazyjinglist · 26/01/2022 18:01

He won't get up and he won't go to the doctor's to check if there's something wrong. My guess is that he simply doesn't want to get up, because he might get asked to do something or help with something.

Shadow1678 · 26/01/2022 18:01

My DH is the same, I discovered that playing either Bros or Rick Astley while my kids jump on the bed worked a treat! He’s up in seconds now just at the thought of the ‘torture’ 😁

OnlyClothes · 26/01/2022 18:03

There’s also clocks that have a natural light that goes on gradually to mimic the sunrise, so by the time the alarm goes off it’s already tricking your mind.

I mean, has he even LOOKED into any of this shit? Or not, as it’s clearly YOUR problem to solve?

NeverChange · 26/01/2022 18:03

When is he next due at work.

Tell him in advance that you will be out that evening so it's really important he knows that if he doesn't get up you won't be there to do it.

This will work 2 ways -

  1. he will either manage to fend for himself when there's no other option which proves he is capable of doing is permanently
  2. he will be late and have the consequences

Either one is a result and can be worked on. At present, there is zero downside for him as he is guaranteed you will wake him.

WonderfulYou · 26/01/2022 18:08

I could not accept this.
It’s frustrating getting my teenager up for school, I couldn’t do it for an adult!

If he works nights it could be that his body simply cannot cope.
Is there any way he can change shifts/jobs and see if this helps?

For now I would continuously ring his phone which he should put on the other side of the room.

MrsBerthaRochester · 26/01/2022 18:10

Why are you so worried about his reaction if you tell him to get the fuck out of bed? So he sulks? So what. He CAN get up. He just chooses not to. Leaving you to pickup the slack. He sounds like a prick to be honest.

MazzleDazzle · 26/01/2022 18:14

he would be livid and I don't fancy him sulking for the next three days.

This doesn’t sound good.

saltandpepper234 · 26/01/2022 18:15

My DP is the same. Has a chronic inability to set alarms properly or respond to them if he does. He will often roll over and turn an alarm off in his sleep and have no recollection of doing it, or think he has set a new alarm for 10 minutes later but actually set it for 12 hours later. It’s really bloody irritating but I don’t know what you can do about it really

Original poster
Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 18:18

He's next due in work tomorrow.

I completely understand where posters are coming from when you say don't enable him or leave him to face the consequences of his actions but I just can't do that.

If he loses his job me, my children and DSD will all suffer, not just him.

Thank you for the recommendations for alarm clocks etc. Of course he hasn't bothered to look into anything like that himself because he's satisfied that he can rely on me to be the alarm clock.

I've got a really bad back and other issues relating to the cesarean so I'm getting pretty pissed off that I'm still juggling everything myself at almost 6.30pm on his night off.

OP posts:
MazzleDazzle · 26/01/2022 18:19

Set the alarm at the other side of the room?

Set another one for for 5 mins later?

A dawn simulator?

I refuse to believe that anyone is incapable to getting up without help from someone else. They go back to sleep because they know they have the luxury of someone else making sure they get up.

GrazingSheep · 26/01/2022 18:19

Do you love him? Does he bring anything enriching to your life?

FoamBurst · 26/01/2022 18:20

When dh first moved in he was like this to be gaur he was always shattered he worked his old job 8 till 5. Then a self employed job 7 till 1am 5x a week and the self employed job often a Sunday 12 till 5.

But I did it for a week and said I wasn't doing it anymore.
I just went off to work.
He missed the Sunday one losing £230

He didn't over sleep again! Each day he set a different sounding alarm.

However other nosies ie his car alarm, fire alarm he'd sleep through and has done with both,

Original poster
Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 18:20

@MrsBerthaRochester

Why are you so worried about his reaction if you tell him to get the fuck out of bed? So he sulks? So what. He CAN get up. He just chooses not to. Leaving you to pickup the slack. He sounds like a prick to be honest.
Oh I'm not worried about telling him to get the fuck out of bed, not at all.

What I was saying was that if I doused him in cold water as somebody suggested he would be pissed off and sulk about it, which I cannot be bothered with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 18:21

@GrazingSheep

Do you love him? Does he bring anything enriching to your life?
Yes of course I do, and yes he does.

I'm just getting increasingly intolerant of things like this.

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 26/01/2022 18:24

Get a limited Lumie alarm clock..it mimics daylight, comes on gradually.

It's the only thing that wakes me.

Original poster
Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 18:25

@AfterSchoolWorry

Get a limited Lumie alarm clock..it mimics daylight, comes on gradually.

It's the only thing that wakes me.

That sounds great although I doubt it would work with him because he's so used to going to bed in the morning
OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 26/01/2022 18:25

It sounds from what you have posted that he has very little respect for you
He will be livid and sulk for days if you pour cold water on him? Yet he’s happy for you to spend hours looking after kids, including a new baby, while you’re unwell yourself.
Your standards are not that high are they?

cherrypie66 · 26/01/2022 18:25

Pull covers off completely

Yuckypretty · 26/01/2022 18:26

Can you talk to him about it and yell him how you are finding it stressful to have the responsibility of waking him up.

There are options like. .a light box, a light alarm. Having alarm on other side of the room. But he needs to come up with a solution so that he actually follows through with it.

QueeniesCroft · 26/01/2022 18:27

This isn't a problem you can solve for him, he needs to see it as a problem and solve it himself- by seeking medical advice, by setting as many alarms as possible or whatever else is necessary.

He has never had to see getting his arse out of bed as something he's responsible for, and that needs to change. I don't know how though, so good luck with that!

LeSquigh · 26/01/2022 18:28

I have sympathy with you and I absolute agree it shouldn’t be your job to keep hassling him to get up but I also have sympathy with him as I too am a very deep sleeper. I work days and nights and I can sleep through anything. Working nights is not natural and you never really get used to it no matter how long you do it for. The other morning I slept through twelve alarms before I got up. I snoozed them with no recollection of doing so. I obviously take responsibility for getting myself up which is what he should be doing but it doesn’t mean it’s easy and it certainly doesn’t mean he has a medical condition!! Nights are a killer and they get harder and harder the older I get.

He definitely needs to sort out a decent alarm that he needs to get up for though. Talk to him about it when he’s not tired (or less tired!) and explain how this shouldn’t be your responsibility. Maybe help with finding some options as it would be a kind thing to do but make him sort it!

Blossom64265 · 26/01/2022 18:28

Working nights causes all sorts of problems with disordered sleeping. If your husband worked a more traditional schedule, I would share the disdain, but working nights means he needs some extra consideration.

I would suggest he set a series of alarms with different ringtones, every 10 or 15 minutes apart or whatever works for him. Each one more urgent sounding than the next. Once he is up and moving around, he can turn off any remaining alarms for that ‘morning’