DH won't/can't get up.

[Mulberr663]

DH is a very deep sleeper who sleeps through alarms and could probably sleep through an earthquake. He works 4 nights a week but always gets his 8 hours in before a shift. This is also a problem when he's off work.

It has become my job to wake him up, the problem is I have to go back in 3 or 4 times before he actually gets up. I wake him, he responds, then as soon as I leave the room he goes back to sleep.

When I return he's wrapped himself back up in the quilt and changed positions.

It's easy to say leave him to it and don't bother but not waking him would impact the rest of the family, me, and also his job.

I've just been to get him up three times for his dinner as requested after he's had his 8 hours sleep.

He's not working tonight so after cooking, cleaning and caring for three children all day including 3mo baby.. I want a bloody break myself.

Is he healthy? Is he particularly sleepy during the day? It could be something medical. I had an issue with sleeping through alarms and it was undiagnosed hypothyroid

If he loses his job then I'd have the worry of whether he'll be able to find his half of the rent and bills, I just can't leave him to it unfortunately. Too many consequences that impact the rest of us.

@SickAndTiredAgain

What would he do if I weren't here? Lose his job, miss appointments. Seriously.

So is this a new issue? Or has he always had someone to wake him - did he live with his parents before living with you?

He lived with his parents yes, his DF would wake him.

@CUL8Rmasturbator

My husband works nights and this was a problem for a while. It was driving me to tears of rage some days when he flapped around getting ready for work and blaming me for not waking him when I'd done so a dozen times. In the end, I put an Alexa in our room and sent announcements to it, played music on it etc at increasing volume. It worked and I wasn't frazzled for the rest of the evening

Sounds like a plan. Does Alexa have an automatic programme to do a series of horribly shrill alarms to do the waking up without the OP having to be running in and out all the time?

Have you got an Alexa? If so, put it on the other side of the room, from the bed, and get it to play 'Reveille' (the bugles call the Army used to use to get soldiers up of a morning) really rather loudly as an alarm.

Seriously, even I can't sleep through it. Or DH. Much to his annoyance.

@Mulberr663

DH is a very deep sleeper who sleeps through alarms and could probably sleep through an earthquake. He works 4 nights a week but always gets his 8 hours in before a shift. This is also a problem when he's off work.

It has become my job to wake him up, the problem is I have to go back in 3 or 4 times before he actually gets up. I wake him, he responds, then as soon as I leave the room he goes back to sleep.

When I return he's wrapped himself back up in the quilt and changed positions.

It's easy to say leave him to it and don't bother but not waking him would impact the rest of the family, me, and also his job.

I've just been to get him up three times for his dinner as requested after he's had his 8 hours sleep.

He's not working tonight so after cooking, cleaning and caring for three children all day including 3mo baby.. I want a bloody break myself.

I feel like I could of wrote this myself I'm in the same position my partner works nights and he sleeps all day whilst I have a 7yr old and an 8month old to look after I get he needs sleep and I make sure he gets his 7 or 8 hrs during the day but I to have a really hard time waking him up to I just feel like I'm his alarm clock and he's not a happy bunny when he gets woken up to but if I don't wake him he would sleep all day and be late for work my partner is 35 yrs old he should be capable of waking himself up it's so exhausting sometimes taking care of everything seem I feel your pain.

On the flip side i feel guilty as I'm still on maternity leave so I feel if I'm off work then I should be doing more as I have the time to but I can get overwhelmed and need a break as I feel like sometimes I'm just a mum or a maid. He is understanding and does help out and is more hands on when he's off but I do miss the adult interaction and I can get very lonely and isolated whilst I'm at home with my son all day.

Im returning to work in April when my maternity finishes I'm worried about how he's going to cope with less sleep and having to be more hands on with the childcare and running the house whilst I'm not there that is a

He needs to train himself that he gets up on that first alarm or shout. He can’t just say he’s a deep sleeper, he needs to put the effort in.

He lived with his parents yes, his DF would wake him.

So he has no incentive to get up because he's always had someone to do it for him...

Why can't he set an alarm, like an adult?
With a 2nd one that goes off a minute later, if necessary

I’m like this when my iron and Vitamin F levels are in the floor, I’ve fallen asleep at my desk! If he works nights and sleeps days does he take any supplements.

Vitamin D!

So take the specifics out of the problem...

He's doing a behaviour that you don't like, that impacts you and that you find selfish.

1. communicate - tell him how it's making you feel. That you understand his position but that you need him to change it.

2. if he continues then you know that he's not respecting your feelings. And isn't bothered that you're clearly feeling resentful.

3. decide how you want to proceed. You've given him chances to change and a true understanding of how you feel. It's up to you then if you choose to put up with it or not. That way, the power is back to you (you know his flaws and it's up to you if you're with him or not).

Everyone has flaws. A partner could be lazy, bad with money, a liar, untrustworthy, emotionally immature, too serious, workaholic, never serious, controlling etc etc.

We all choose what we will or won't put up with.

Another option, to stop you feeling resentful is to give yourself something back as a "thank you" for waking him. Maybe a few hours a week to yourself to do something nice while he cares for the kids. Maybe he pays for a takeaway etc. Whatever makes you feel more balanced

Give the eldest kids a wooden spoon and a saucepan each and assign them an ear each..he'll soon get up

To wake him I give his arm a shake, tell him it's dinner time / time to get up.

I’d wake him up, take the duvet and fold it up and put it over the bannister as I left the room.

I can see this being my DS18 in 10 years He just can’t wake up. To be honest I’d start bollocking him, saying you can be there to baby him non stop, turn the lights on, open the windows, remove the duvet and generally make it uncomfortable for him.

Cant be there to baby him - not ‘can’

@Unicorndragon1421 are we with the same man?! DH is 35 too. God it's draining isn't it.

I feel conflicted like you, most of the time.

I understand nights are exhausting so I'm not unsympathetic, this just isn't ok.

Many manage to wake themselves for work.

Hell, I can wake to the baby if I'm running on 2-3 hours sleep.

I'm sorry you deal with the same.

Those who mentioned Alexa, good idea. We have one.

When I go to sleep, very little wakes me - the daylight clock, the daylight clock buzzer, the fitbit vibrating and several phone alarms just about does it.

What I do if I'm in deep sleep - which a lot of people do when they're being talked at/alarms going off right in the middle of the deep part of their sleep cycle - is vaguely respond, come across as being awake, but they aren't really, it's more like a dream state. It's even recorded on my Fitbit as REM sleep, not being awake even when I know I am technically as I might have a vague memory of the light coming on or DP talking to me.

A rough reckoning is that a sleep cycle lasts 90 minutes, so multiples of three hours works better, as you're naturally more awake towards the end of that - it might be better to allow for nine hours or seven and a half than eight to see if that helps, as then you're not grabbing at his arm just as he's least likely to be properly aware.

It might sound like bollocks, but I can wake and get up with no problem on three or four and a half hours, I've even been fine(ish) on 90 minutes, but I'm screwed if the alarms are going off and it's in between those times.

Chucking water on somebody in deep sleep is a real cuntish move - and it's assault, by the way.

Maybe 8 hours isn't enough? On days when he is not working, wake him up for dinner one time -- if he doesn't get up then he obviously needs sleep more than food. Feed the kids, watch TV, do your regular evening rituals. If and when he gets up he can eat a cold dinner.

Alexa for the alarm, go in and take the duvet off just before it goes off.

I would also get him one of the sunrise alarms as it may help get him into a lighter phase of sleep.

RE leaving him longer, that's not always possible because most of the time he wants me to wake him up it's for work.

The other 20 percent of the time is for dinner like this evening. I have left him for longer today as he doesn't need to be anywhere, but it's frustrating for me who would appreciate another pair of hands on deck with the kids. He asked me to wake him at 4pm and he's still in there asleep now.

I'm friendly with his ex whom he also shares a child with and she said he was always this way when she was with him, and he worked days then.

So he had her as an alarm clock, then his DP's again and now me.

You need to get something like this:
www.amazon.co.uk/Sleepers-Creative-Clock-Rug-Clock-Alarm-Clock-Only/dp/B01JU0Y4WA?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

It's an alarm clock that will only be switched off when you stand on it.

or

remove the duvet from the bed the first time you go in and leave it at the foot of the bed on the floor when you go in to wake him the first time.

I wouldn't agree with putting lots of water on his face but you could get something like this and a quick spritz of this should help:
www.boots.com/beauty/skincare/facial-skincare/cleanser-toner/avene-thermal-spring-water-spray-for-sensitive-skin-300ml-10139903

Also - open the curtains or turn on the light as you leave.

@RunningFromInsanity

I’m embarrassed for you OP. Imagine this being your life

Useful

You also have all sorts of alarms available, Incl some which shake the bed, bounce everywhere so you have to get up to stop it etc…

I would have a look at some of those. He needs a system where he can get up wo you needing to be there several times.