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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won't/can't get up.

373 replies

Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 17:20

DH is a very deep sleeper who sleeps through alarms and could probably sleep through an earthquake. He works 4 nights a week but always gets his 8 hours in before a shift. This is also a problem when he's off work.

It has become my job to wake him up, the problem is I have to go back in 3 or 4 times before he actually gets up. I wake him, he responds, then as soon as I leave the room he goes back to sleep.

When I return he's wrapped himself back up in the quilt and changed positions.

It's easy to say leave him to it and don't bother but not waking him would impact the rest of the family, me, and also his job.

I've just been to get him up three times for his dinner as requested after he's had his 8 hours sleep.

He's not working tonight so after cooking, cleaning and caring for three children all day including 3mo baby.. I want a bloody break myself.

OP posts:
skybluee · 27/01/2022 13:25

Um yeah, I would leave him to it in that scenario.

The reason is that as long as you keep doing what you're doing, it's not going to change.

I'd sit down and talk to him in the day, not just after he's woken up. I'd say that I'm not doing it any more as it's making me feel like his mother and it's not fair, and that he needs to find a way to wake himself up. I'd then ask him if he understood. After that, yes, I would leave him to it, as I wouldn't want this to be the rest of my life.

mugoftea456 · 27/01/2022 13:38

Fuck that.

I cannot see why its your responsibility and why he cannot set an alarm.

Stop pandering to this nonsense

ZZTopGuitarSolo · 27/01/2022 14:01

@Mulberr663

Those who bluntly tell me this is my own doing, what would you do about this one then?

He's due to pick up my lovely DSD today and bring her here for lunch etc.

If he's still sleeping at 2pm should I just leave him to sleep and let her down?

I don't think anybody would advocate for doing that.

He's really got you convinced that this is your responsibility and not his, hasn't he?

Yes. It's time to leave him to it. HE can start having to explain to people why HE let them down.

TatianaBis · 27/01/2022 14:35

@Mulberr663

Those who bluntly tell me this is my own doing, what would you do about this one then?

He's due to pick up my lovely DSD today and bring her here for lunch etc.

If he's still sleeping at 2pm should I just leave him to sleep and let her down?

I don't think anybody would advocate for doing that.

Of course I would. If he doesn’t get out of bed to pick up his DD that’s on him.

How else is he going to take adult responsibility for his life if you keep enabling him?

ivykaty44 · 27/01/2022 14:38

your not his mum

tell him he needs to sort himself out, you have 3 children and he shouldn't be behaving like a 4th

Littlewhiteballs · 27/01/2022 14:42

Is this specifically a male problem? Are there husbands struggling to wake up their dw for work while being left to care for dc alone? Do they also have to tiptoe around her moods and wake her up gently or else face her wrath/silent treatment? Nope. Lots of women going through it though.

Littlewhiteballs · 27/01/2022 14:45

Not judging btw. Been there and got the t-shirt.

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 27/01/2022 17:27

[quote LittleGwyneth]@MissLucyEyelesbarrow yes, I really can.[/quote]
If a woman was behaving exactly like this man - opting out, shirking responsibility and causing untold stress, then of course people would be saying she deserves the same sort of cold, hard (wet) wake-up call.

There is literally no double standard here.

Just an incredibly selfish, lazy (because he can wake up, he just chooses to roll over and ignore) person, who happens to be a man.

Pinklemonade1 · 27/01/2022 17:34

Is the quality of his sleep good?. If he has sleep apnoea this could be why he seems unable to wake up.

bcc89 · 27/01/2022 17:38

@Mulberr663

He's laid in bed but he's awake, the kids are sitting on the bed and he's talking to them.

So clearly he can wake up to them / without me.

I think that shows this whole time he's been choosing to roll over and go back to sleep because as somebody days, he sees me as the snooze button.

Strange how his apparent inability to wake up dissapears after I lose my rag isn't it.

What a piss taker.

He sounds so unattractive, sorry.
Apricot10 · 27/01/2022 17:45

I could've written this. It became such and issue in the end. We are getting divorced. Not because of his sleeping but it did add upto a lot of resentment. I NEVER got a lie in because on the mornings it was my lie in I would have to wake up to wake him up. In the end I just didn't bother and got up with the kids he would sleep until 1pm on the weekends. He would sleep through multiple alarms during the week and I would have to wake him evey morning. I asked him to seek medical help as I think he had a problem. He never bothered because it didn't really effect him. This went on for 18 years.
My life is a lot less stressful now and he has the woman he left me for to wake him up now. Good luck to her she will need it.
All in all he needs to sort this out, honestly the resentment will kill your relationship.

onaroll · 27/01/2022 17:46

Thank you for posting this mulberr663.
I’m sorry I can’t help with suggestions but reading how it stresses you, has made me have a good look at myself. I’m shamefully admitting I’m guilty of similar ( to your husband) . After hearing of the impact on you - I’m going to change myself , so it doesn’t impact in my husband anymore.

amoobaa · 27/01/2022 17:48

@Mulberr663

Those who bluntly tell me this is my own doing, what would you do about this one then?

He's due to pick up my lovely DSD today and bring her here for lunch etc.

If he's still sleeping at 2pm should I just leave him to sleep and let her down?

I don't think anybody would advocate for doing that.

I know it seems harsh and might feel wrong. But the answer is yes, absolutely.

He needs to experience what it feels like to let his daughter down. He needs to feel the impact of his behaviour.

At the moment he is completely shielded from the reality of his actions.

Until he connects the two, he’ll keep sticking his head in the sand. It’s the path of least resistance… is the east way… and there is nothing at all to motivate him to behave differently.

Why would he bother sorting out a ‘wake up system’ himself, that actually works… when he can use you instead?

Think of it like this: if you keep fixing this for him, you are helping him bury his head in the sand and he is getting nothing to motivate him to find his own solution.

I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with this. It sounds shit.

Really hope your plan works out Flowers

Missingpop · 27/01/2022 17:50

Stop being his mother tell him he either gets up by himself or he misses out; dinner will be left on the counter top he can use the microwave to reheat it, if he’s late to work tough he will just have to get his arse into gear but whilst your pandering to him he will continue to behave like a petulant teenager; stand up for yourself tell him I am not your door mat I am not running up & down the stairs trying to wake you from your coma; from today you take responsibility for yourself you get up when the alarm goes off….the reason he goes back to sleep is because he knows you’ve got his back. Stop today make him grow a set of balls & man up

mermaidgiraffe · 27/01/2022 18:01

Why can't you just insist he gets up there and then? You don't need to pour ice cold water on his head, just insist he needs to wake up NOW. Take the duvet off him, put the lights on.

Carpedimum · 27/01/2022 18:07

My DS is a very, very deep sleeper. Plus, rather disconcertingly, he can appear that he’s woken up, have a conversation and move around, but still be asleep. This only becomes apparent when he’s obviously talking nonsense or to someone who isn’t there. We’ve worked out through trial and error, that alarms set way before needing to rise, and regularly repeated every few minutes work.

Bleachmycloths · 27/01/2022 18:10

You’re turning into his mother. Don’t do it. He’s a man-child.

Elle2018 · 27/01/2022 18:16

I have a teenage son like this, I pour water on his head. He has now conditioned himself to waking up straight away when I click open the lid of the water bottle 🤣🤣

Poppingmad123 · 27/01/2022 18:17

Eww how horrid for you op! I couldn’t stand that. You can either let him take responsibility for himself or you can continue being his mummy. Unfortunately you facilitating him is part of the problem. You can’t change others but you can change yourself.

I’d have a frank chat with him & tell him how it’s affecting you & that you will not do it anymore but you do need to stick to your guns. If he’s late for work etc he’ll get a warning so may respond better after that.

Mamanyt · 27/01/2022 18:22

Oh, this sounds horrifyingly familiar. Do you by chance have a friend with a small baby? If so, have her record that baby screaming its head off. Have this recording put on a loop for you.

When you go to wake him (should you continue to do so), walk in, yell "WAKE UP," snatch the covers entirely off of the bed, and turn the recording of the screaming infant on...LOUDLY. And where he has to get up and go across the room to turn it off.

Nomorepastry · 27/01/2022 18:25

Could he be depressed? I find my depression makes me a very deep sleeper, and it's nearly impossible to get up some days

dementedmummy · 27/01/2022 18:27

Buy 6 alarm clocks. Set them 5 minutes apart. Put them all round the room so he has to get up to switch them off. After 5 or 6 times of being disturbed he should get the message and get up (i have to do this because once im asleep, im gone 😂)

NatashaBedwouldbenice · 27/01/2022 18:36

Buy 6 alarm clocks. Set them 5 minutes apart. Put them all round the room so he has to get up to switch them off. After 5 or 6 times of being disturbed he should get the message and get up (i have to do this because once im asleep, im gone 😂)

Why are you suggesting this?

bozzabollix · 27/01/2022 18:37

He sounds like my ruddy thirteen year old. Air horn for sure.

VitalsStable · 27/01/2022 18:43

Saying you can't be bothered with his sulking is like allowing a toddler to misbehave because you can't be bothered with the tantrums.

He knows if he just acts like an arsehole you'll just suck it up 🤷🏻‍♀️

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