Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won't/can't get up.

373 replies

Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 17:20

DH is a very deep sleeper who sleeps through alarms and could probably sleep through an earthquake. He works 4 nights a week but always gets his 8 hours in before a shift. This is also a problem when he's off work.

It has become my job to wake him up, the problem is I have to go back in 3 or 4 times before he actually gets up. I wake him, he responds, then as soon as I leave the room he goes back to sleep.

When I return he's wrapped himself back up in the quilt and changed positions.

It's easy to say leave him to it and don't bother but not waking him would impact the rest of the family, me, and also his job.

I've just been to get him up three times for his dinner as requested after he's had his 8 hours sleep.

He's not working tonight so after cooking, cleaning and caring for three children all day including 3mo baby.. I want a bloody break myself.

OP posts:
bcc89 · 27/01/2022 01:31

I'm not going to add to the lists of suggestions to help you wake him up.
He's a grown man. He can get his damn self up for work. You're enabling his laziness massively and obviously, it's not working. He's hanging onto his job, because you're spending hours dragging him out of bed every day?
He sounds lazy and unattractive. I'd wake him once, at most.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 27/01/2022 01:43

Bloody hell - he sounds awful

It’s so unattractive ! I couldn’t be with someone like this.

He won’t lose his job for being late once so don’t wake him for next shift and see what happens! He might get the shock he needs

But seriously when do you get a bloody break?

I’m on maternity leave and when my husband gets in at 6 he sorts dinner for us and does his half of bath/bed with baby and we take turns getting up with her in the morning even though he has work to go to and I don’t

When is your downtime?

Sounds like he gets loads

Do you do anything together ?

NumberTheory · 27/01/2022 01:45

@RussiasGreatestLoveMachine

We did that this evening, just outside the bedroom door. Music blasting, loud singing, clapping, kids shrieking Grin

No response from him at all.

You’re not very good at this, are you?

Just outside the bedroom door? WTF is the point of that?

I thought the idea was to wake him up. Why aren’t they inside the room, next to his head? Confused

^^ This.

What was your thought process here OP? Why were you acting like it needed to seem like waking him was an accident?

Ericaequites · 27/01/2022 01:54

Let the seven year old wake him up? Play John Philip Souza marches loudly as an alarm? Turn on lights, open curtains, and pull off covers to the floor at the first alarm? All these are suggestions.

MammaMacgill87 · 27/01/2022 02:12

This was a huge factor in me leaving my ex. He's still the same and will regularly sleep all day including through times he's supposed to have his boys. (It's just not my job to get him up anymore yet he will still blame me for not calling him enough times)
Go in drag off the duvet, open the curtains and window, put radio on and take the duvet out the room with you. Do this once then bugger him if he sleeps, he'll wake up freezing eventually!!!

GiantHaystacks2021 · 27/01/2022 02:24

Absolute dickhead.
Chuck a bucket of water over him.

Flowersandhearts · 27/01/2022 02:36

Would a supersoaker work? :-P I'd imagine after the first three times he'd start getting up before you could manage to soak him.

Siepie · 27/01/2022 02:44

I'm a very deep sleeper. I've slept through fire alarms (including a loud hotel one with flashing lights). I've missed a very important work meeting. I've missed a first date with someone I really fancied. It's definitely not deliberate, at least in my case.

Even though it's not deliberate, I don't blame my partner! It's up to your DH to get himself up. A couple of things that he might want to try are:

  • a consistent sleep/wake schedule, although this may be harder when working nights
  • a loud alarm clock on the other side of the room
  • a sleep cycle alarm app. You set a time period for the alarm (e.g. 6-6.30am) and put your phone next to you, so it can track your movement. It then wakes you when you're in light sleep between 6-6.30am
pantsandpringles · 27/01/2022 02:53

3 words: robocop sound grenade. It's as loud as an ambulance siren and will screech continuously for 30 minutes without the pin. Take it, remove pin and sit just outside door, and throw into room, then close the door.

www.sportswearable.net/robocopp-the-personal-safety-sound-grenade/?amp=1

He really does need to get his shit together though.

caringcarer · 27/01/2022 02:56

Take duvet off, then rub a packet of frozen peas on him.

AlternativePerspective · 27/01/2022 02:57

I know people are criticising etc here but the truth is this level of sleep and inability to wake up isn’t normal.

And I absolutely appreciate that it drives you mad, it would me too. I have a teenager who does similar, except the difference is that when he has to get up he seems to manage it without my input, so although I do wake him in the morning, I’ve told him I’m not going to repeatedly keep coming back, esp as I have the worst sleep schedule ever and often have just drifted back to sleep when he needs waking up. So he has to get up and for the most part he does.

But you went to wake him at 4 and at 8 he was still unable to get up. He needs to see a GP and he needs to do so as a matter of urgency. Conditions like sleep apnea can be fatal and there are any number of other conditions it could be.

So I would change tack. I would tell him that he needs to go to the GP tomorrow and get this looked into otherwise you’ll leave. And I would follow through. I would refuse to stay with a man who was clearly happier to die and leave his wife and children than he was to get some help/advice to make this situation more tolerable for all of you. It actually can’t be that pleasant for him either not being able to wake up and participate in life.

if it transpires that there is nothing wrong medically, then I would just leave him to it, get a job of my own and if he lost his job then tough shit. But I would bet money that something will be picked up, because this really isn’t normal.

Why did his ex leave him btw?

veevee04 · 27/01/2022 03:22

I have a sleep disorder and could sleep through fire alarms , alarm clocks all sorts it wasn't until I got a deaf alarm clock that vibrated the bed and medication did things change. I got really fed up of being called lazy and had to go to GP and neurologist numerous times to get a diagnosis.

I would tell your OH to go to the doctor .

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 27/01/2022 04:46

I still can’t get over the mincing around outside his door afraid to create an actual ruckus that might wake his royal highness.

He’s not some demi-God. He’s just a sub-standard man.

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 27/01/2022 04:47

I would tell your OH to go to the doctor .

He won’t go because he doesn’t care about his wife and kids. The OP has addressed this many times.

This isn’t his problem.

ZZTopGuitarSolo · 27/01/2022 05:00

@Mulberr663

I've just put the big speaker on the bedside cabinet and blasted revielle as suggested up thread.

Cue him groaning and putting his hands over his ears and quilt over his head as he tried to ignore it.

Replayed twice until he finally rose from his pit looking unimpressed and asking me why I didn't just wake him earlier Hmm

Interesting. So it's not that he doesn't hear it. It's that he chooses to go back to sleep.
Chuechebache · 27/01/2022 06:08

Op and DH are in a mother-child pattern.Both "enjoy" this paterrn.if OP would really be annoyed with her childman,she would do the many suggestions people have offered here.until both decide to have a mature adult relationship,the behaviour will never change.

Bunnycat101 · 27/01/2022 07:42

I think I’ve got a bit more sympathy because he’s working nights and that does mess with your sleep rhythms which must be hard going if he previously struggled. Does he snore? If so, could be apnea. It doesn’t make it easier for you and it sounds like something has to change but I think his schedule would wreck me tbh.

Garman · 27/01/2022 07:59

@Bunnycat101

I think I’ve got a bit more sympathy because he’s working nights and that does mess with your sleep rhythms which must be hard going if he previously struggled. Does he snore? If so, could be apnea. It doesn’t make it easier for you and it sounds like something has to change but I think his schedule would wreck me tbh.
Did you read at all where she said she's always been like this even when he worked days?
NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/01/2022 08:05

I'm late for work today. I slept through all the alarms.

I'll show DP this thread so he knows exactly the best way to assault me, shall I?

Bunnycat101 · 27/01/2022 08:13

Did you read at all where she said she's always been like this even when he worked days?

Yes which is why I said for someone who has struggled, the added disruption of months isn’t ideal. He does ideally need a gp appointment but if he has any underlying problems the night shifts will be making them one hell of a lot worse.

Cyberworrier · 27/01/2022 08:22

@NeverDropYourMooncup
What would you recommend in this situation? Do you think the OP should leave her partner to sleep through his alarms and potentially get into trouble at work? Do you agree with the posters who say he needs to see a GP?
If you have similar problems waking up, quite interesting to hear your perspective.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 27/01/2022 08:27

@AlternativePerspective

I know people are criticising etc here but the truth is this level of sleep and inability to wake up isn’t normal.

And I absolutely appreciate that it drives you mad, it would me too. I have a teenager who does similar, except the difference is that when he has to get up he seems to manage it without my input, so although I do wake him in the morning, I’ve told him I’m not going to repeatedly keep coming back, esp as I have the worst sleep schedule ever and often have just drifted back to sleep when he needs waking up. So he has to get up and for the most part he does.

But you went to wake him at 4 and at 8 he was still unable to get up. He needs to see a GP and he needs to do so as a matter of urgency. Conditions like sleep apnea can be fatal and there are any number of other conditions it could be.

So I would change tack. I would tell him that he needs to go to the GP tomorrow and get this looked into otherwise you’ll leave. And I would follow through. I would refuse to stay with a man who was clearly happier to die and leave his wife and children than he was to get some help/advice to make this situation more tolerable for all of you. It actually can’t be that pleasant for him either not being able to wake up and participate in life.

if it transpires that there is nothing wrong medically, then I would just leave him to it, get a job of my own and if he lost his job then tough shit. But I would bet money that something will be picked up, because this really isn’t normal.

Why did his ex leave him btw?

GP here,. The DH has been doing this his whole adult life. His DF used to have to wake him, then his ex. Does that really sound as if he has a medical condition that needs immediate intervention?

Nothing that the OP has reported suggests that he is unable to wake up. He's a deep sleeper who is hard to get out of bed: that's different.

Nothing that the OP has reported sounds like sleep apnoea. The classic symptoms of that are poor quality sleep and daytime drowsiness: she hasn't mentioned these.

You need to think about what the DH is gaining from this. He gets loads of attention, he gets to dump his responsibilities onto a woman and he gets to opt out of most of the hard stuff of life. Why would he change?

For me, the most revealing thing is that he could chose to stop doing nights but hasn't. As a shift-worker myself, that is unusual. Most people who work nights do so because they have to, for family/life reasons. It is not something most people actively choose, especially with a young family. He is choosing to work nights. I suspect all of this (other than being a naturally deep sleeper) is a choice.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 27/01/2022 08:29

@Chuechebache

Op and DH are in a mother-child pattern.Both "enjoy" this paterrn.if OP would really be annoyed with her childman,she would do the many suggestions people have offered here.until both decide to have a mature adult relationship,the behaviour will never change.
Totally agree. The Ex woke up to it, so he found another mug.
Piglet89 · 27/01/2022 08:31

I've got a really bad back and other issues relating to the cesarean so I'm getting pretty pissed off that I'm still juggling everything myself at almost 6.30pm on his night off.

Op the issues you have are so, so much bigger than just his relying on you to wake him up. As PPs have suggested, he just sounds incredibly selfish.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 27/01/2022 08:33

I would agree with him that you will go in once and remove l of his covers. He won't want to sleep with no covers.