Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won't/can't get up.

373 replies

Mulberr663 · 26/01/2022 17:20

DH is a very deep sleeper who sleeps through alarms and could probably sleep through an earthquake. He works 4 nights a week but always gets his 8 hours in before a shift. This is also a problem when he's off work.

It has become my job to wake him up, the problem is I have to go back in 3 or 4 times before he actually gets up. I wake him, he responds, then as soon as I leave the room he goes back to sleep.

When I return he's wrapped himself back up in the quilt and changed positions.

It's easy to say leave him to it and don't bother but not waking him would impact the rest of the family, me, and also his job.

I've just been to get him up three times for his dinner as requested after he's had his 8 hours sleep.

He's not working tonight so after cooking, cleaning and caring for three children all day including 3mo baby.. I want a bloody break myself.

OP posts:
IntermittentParps · 27/01/2022 08:49

He needs to grow up.

I get what you're saying about him needing his job. Have you sat down with him and had an adult conversation about this?

As for the dinner thing, fuck getting him up for that. You make dinner and serve it for x o'clock (I assume he knows the timings); he gets up and comes and eats it, or he doesn't. Up to him. Not for you to find a solution for him.

Original poster
Mulberr663 · 27/01/2022 09:13

Those who bluntly tell me this is my own doing, what would you do about this one then?

He's due to pick up my lovely DSD today and bring her here for lunch etc.

If he's still sleeping at 2pm should I just leave him to sleep and let her down?

I don't think anybody would advocate for doing that.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 27/01/2022 09:19

So he's due to collect his daughter (your DSD) right? Not sure what age she is but if she's an adult and her dad lets her down, she must know what he's like, right?

If he's still asleep at 2pm even though he has a meeting scheduled (with you and your DSD) and he doesn't make it, then you have your answer.

No one, and I mean no one, not his daughter, not his wife, no one, is more important to him that himself. He is incredibly selfish and this is what it looks like to anyone else.

I would also wonder what he would do if you weren't around to wake him up (if you left him)? He'd have to sort his life out then, right?

Cyberworrier · 27/01/2022 09:21

I really feel for you OP and I've been in a similar situation with my husband. He got himself into a crisis point where his sleep got so disordered and he missed lots of work, and we had awful rows when I tried to wake him up. I've decided I have to step back a bit, as it is too disruptive for my own life to spend an hour trying to get him up etc. I do one wake up and that's it now.

Your situation is so much more complicated as you have children to consider so I am really sorry for you. I think you need to have a serious talk and lay out what needs to change, and what the consequences are if things don't change. It's not just your relationship that will suffer, it's his own with his daughter etc.
I think you need to get it straight in your head if you can carry on like this, and what your plan is if he won't change. And try to stay calm and factual when you speak to him, even though I know it's very emotional and upsetting.

IntermittentParps · 27/01/2022 09:22

@Mulberr663

Those who bluntly tell me this is my own doing, what would you do about this one then?

He's due to pick up my lovely DSD today and bring her here for lunch etc.

If he's still sleeping at 2pm should I just leave him to sleep and let her down?

I don't think anybody would advocate for doing that.

Yes, she's your lovely DSD. You care about her. I get it. But she's his daughter. His responsibility. If he can't get out of bed and pick her up, firstly, no one (DSD, DSD's mum, your DH) can say it's your fault. Or, if they do, your response is 'DH made the arrangement.' End of. Stop picking up after him.
Floco74 · 27/01/2022 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 27/01/2022 09:32

But don’t you see every time you do this for him he never learns or faces the consequences- you are enabling

Let him miss collecting his daughter and then he will see what it’s like when he doesn’t have you to rely on to wake him

Yes she will be upset but that’s good for him to see that

Let him miss work one day or be late and let him get into trouble

He needs a shock to the system tbh

Soubriquet · 27/01/2022 09:33

@Floco74

You need to start a new thread but no you’re not wrong. If he’s feeling well in himself and just has a cough he’s fine

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 27/01/2022 09:33

@Mulberr663

Those who bluntly tell me this is my own doing, what would you do about this one then?

He's due to pick up my lovely DSD today and bring her here for lunch etc.

If he's still sleeping at 2pm should I just leave him to sleep and let her down?

I don't think anybody would advocate for doing that.

Look at how he has programmed you to take on his responsibilities. If you carry on doing his work for him, why would he change?

Also, you could wake him up if you chose (not that you should have to) with a wet flannel or cold water, but you choose not to do so because he will be grumpy for days afterwards. Fuck that. He's really done a number on you, hasn't he? He has trained you to pick up all his responsibilities, and is controlling you through his sulking when you try to push back.

Have a look at the Freedom programme. Although your DH is not violent or abusive in a conventional way, his behaviour is controlling. You can't see it because he has programmed you not to see it.

Mummytobe93 · 27/01/2022 09:38

@Mulberr663

Those who bluntly tell me this is my own doing, what would you do about this one then?

He's due to pick up my lovely DSD today and bring her here for lunch etc.

If he's still sleeping at 2pm should I just leave him to sleep and let her down?

I don't think anybody would advocate for doing that.

If it’s not due a medical condition it’s ridiculous!

By this point I’d seriously do the cold water on his head, wouldn’t bother me him sulking afterwards. Maybe the fear of that happening each time he doesn’t by get up is going to work.

Are you going to put up with this until he’s retired? Every appointment, school pick up, work… what happens you God forbids something happens to you and you can’t be there to wake him up? Left on his own he wouldn’t be able to keep a job or take care of his kids?

LittleGwyneth · 27/01/2022 09:40

I find all this 'pour water on him' stuff pretty horrible. Can you imagine telling a man to pour water over his sleeping wife's head? But I agree with everyone else, you need to have a discussion with him about how he's going to take on managing this. And possibly he should see the doctor if the problem has got any worse at any point.

catless · 27/01/2022 09:45

I wish could sleep like him! I wake at the slightest noise and dont get back to sleep so average about 4 hours sleep when I'm on nights.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 27/01/2022 10:02

@LittleGwyneth

I find all this 'pour water on him' stuff pretty horrible. Can you imagine telling a man to pour water over his sleeping wife's head? But I agree with everyone else, you need to have a discussion with him about how he's going to take on managing this. And possibly he should see the doctor if the problem has got any worse at any point.
Can you imagine any woman forcing a man to take responsibility for waking her up?
KitBumbleB · 27/01/2022 10:07

I don't know how you resist physically shoving him out of the bed

Original poster
Mulberr663 · 27/01/2022 10:09

He's laid in bed but he's awake, the kids are sitting on the bed and he's talking to them.

So clearly he can wake up to them / without me.

I think that shows this whole time he's been choosing to roll over and go back to sleep because as somebody days, he sees me as the snooze button.

Strange how his apparent inability to wake up dissapears after I lose my rag isn't it.

What a piss taker.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 27/01/2022 10:10

Well yes. He knows that if he goes back to sleep, you will be there to wake him up. He has no worries about anything because good old reliant wife is there to do her duty

RachelGreeneGreep · 27/01/2022 10:28

He sounds extremely selfish. He can't be pulling his weight, with all the sleep he is getting, while you do all the work, in addition to taking on the responsibility for waking him up. Ugh.

MadeForThis · 27/01/2022 10:40

You have told him that you won't wake him up any more. Now you have to stick to it. Don't let him pull you back into that trap.

LittleGwyneth · 27/01/2022 11:43

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow yes, I really can.

TooMuchPaper · 27/01/2022 11:49

What a piss taker.

Yes. He is. The question is what are you going to do? Stay? Go? Put up with it? Hope he changes?

QueeniesCroft · 27/01/2022 11:51

@Mulberr663

He's laid in bed but he's awake, the kids are sitting on the bed and he's talking to them.

So clearly he can wake up to them / without me.

I think that shows this whole time he's been choosing to roll over and go back to sleep because as somebody days, he sees me as the snooze button.

Strange how his apparent inability to wake up dissapears after I lose my rag isn't it.

What a piss taker.

Absolutely! I'm sorry though, it's hard when the penny finally drops and you realise that he's doing it on purpose.
Nanny0gg · 27/01/2022 12:20

@Mulberr663

It's time for a serious talk about this when he gets up. I'm going to insist he puts the Alexa in the bedroom on the other side of the room and sets a very, very loud alarm.
Ask him why he cares so little about you.

And I don't get the Alexa thing. Unless you put it where it can't hear him, he just has to shout at it to shut it up

SocialConnection · 27/01/2022 12:35

He's always been a boy with a mummy /ex / you to wake him. An ingrained habit. You've established he's quite capable of waking up when he feels like it.

Time for a new habit - it's perfectly possible to learn new ones, which involve respext for others.

If you've said you'll wake him, stick to your promise (so demonstrating respect for him). All lights full on, radio full blast on a station he hates, across the room so he has to get up, bedclothes pulled off and on the floor.

Remind him once what he's getting up for - meal, work, children, whatever.

Then leave him to it.

MaybeHeIsMyCat · 27/01/2022 12:56

Definitely stop waking him. Like I said, I'm the same and I live alone so I HAVE to do it myself
If it's something v v v important I may ask my dad to ring me but otherwise it's a million alarms

cookiemonster2468 · 27/01/2022 13:09

Some people do have genuine issues around waking up, sleeping through alarms etc. You said he won't go to a doctor - why is that and have you really tried? There may be something medical going on with this.

However, if he refuses to help himself in order to help you and his family, then you have a much deeper issue in your relationship.