DH won't/can't get up.

[Mulberr663]

DH is a very deep sleeper who sleeps through alarms and could probably sleep through an earthquake. He works 4 nights a week but always gets his 8 hours in before a shift. This is also a problem when he's off work.

It has become my job to wake him up, the problem is I have to go back in 3 or 4 times before he actually gets up. I wake him, he responds, then as soon as I leave the room he goes back to sleep.

When I return he's wrapped himself back up in the quilt and changed positions.

It's easy to say leave him to it and don't bother but not waking him would impact the rest of the family, me, and also his job.

I've just been to get him up three times for his dinner as requested after he's had his 8 hours sleep.

He's not working tonight so after cooking, cleaning and caring for three children all day including 3mo baby.. I want a bloody break myself.

He won’t lose his job if he’s late once. But it might give him the kick he needs to sort this out.

If you must do it, put on all the lights and take the duvet off the bed entirely.

I have tried the pulling the duvet from him yes, he just rolls over and back to sleep.

How about opening the windows wide at the same time? Though it wouldn't work in summer, obviously.

I’d honestly go in once with a coffee and tell him to wake up then leave him to it. If he ends up being late to work, so be it. He’s an adult and you are not his Mother. Maybe he needs a fog horn as an alarm?

@amusedbush

I know people have mentioned medical issues like OSA but have you considered narcolepsy? Most people (including me until a few years ago) think it's a disorder that makes people randomly fall asleep when triggered by certain things but that's not always the case. I've known people with narcolepsy and a lot of the time it causes excessive sleeping. Like, dead to the world sleeping for 18 hours a day and still feeling tired.

I feel your pain with regard to having a DH who won't see a doctor though. Mine doesn't even have a GP and hasn't had any sort of check up or medical procedure since he was a small child due to a crippling phobia.

It's not narcolepsy if he doesn't have excessive daytime sleepiness (daytime in this context meaning the hours when he is is up and about - so this can be night for night workers). Narcolepsy can certainly affect sleep as well, but it can't cause sleep disruption without daytime sleepiness too - that's the defining symptom.

Get a dog. My DH is a heavy sleeper (not the same league as yours and make an effort to get up) and sleeps through most alarms, shouty or climbing children, even removal of the quilt - the one thing he cannot ignore is our elderly and adoring dog who thinks she is a tiny dainty lap do but in fact is a large working breed and will happily come and lie on him and lick his face. My eldest DC discovered that one when she got frustrated trying to wake daddy so played her “doggy alarm clock” (genius) trump card.

I would tell him before he goes to sleep that you aren’t going to keep waking him while you are trying to deal with the children and cook dinner, he has been so used to relying on people waking him that he doesn’t seem to be trying to get himself up. Maybe pop out when you would usually start trying to wake him and tell him you won’t be home so he needs to make sure he gets up or he will be late for work - if he knows no one is there to get him up and he makes the effort to get up then he’s just being lazy and taking the piss. Deep down he knows you will keep waking him so he’s not bothering to try.

I will give him some credit in that when he's off he does do bulk of the night feeds but that's only because he's up anyway.

What a wonderful father he is. Not.

Wake him up with a kiss 20 minutes early and say, "You need to get up in ten minutes, love."

After ten minutes, get in the bed with him and nick the warm part of the quilt. Set the alarm for ten minutes' time. Keep talking to him, then when the alarm goes off, start tickling him and mucking around.

If he still won't wake up, get a wet flannel and stand over him with it dripping slightly as you say sweetly, "Would you like a wet flannel to help you wake up, darling, or are you awake now?"

@TatianaBis

Are you really saying that if you didn’t wake him he wouldn’t bother setting himself an alarm and would rather lose his job than get himself out of bed?

I've woken up at 11am when I was meant to be in work before My dad slept through a burglary, the burglar alarm, my mum getting up and ringing the police and finally woke up to the police standing at the bed asking my mum if he was a heavy drinker She says we both sleep like the dead and scare her. I will get out of bed, turn off the alarm and get back into bed without remembering I've done it, or hit snooze but really I've switched the alarm off, or I sleep through it going off for 2hrs

But I KNOW I do this now and that's why I set my numerous alarms with different sounds so the different noises wake me

My OH was always like this, it would me mad. He got diagnosed with ME/CFS eventually. If he’s struggling to wake up he needs to see a GP to rule out any medical cause.

Maybe he has sleep apnoea or some other condition.

If he doesn't see a doctor about it, he's a twat.

And as PP's said, if men separate from their wives and have to get their act together because no one is 'parenting' them, they often suddenly miraculously do.

We did that this evening, just outside the bedroom door. Music blasting, loud singing, clapping, kids shrieking

No response from him at all.

You’re not very good at this, are you?

Just outside the bedroom door? WTF is the point of that?

I thought the idea was to wake him up. Why aren’t they inside the room, next to his head?

I sleep weird hours and if I need to get up I make an alarm on my phone and put it somewhere I have to get out of bed to stop it. Sometimes I might go back to bed- suppose I'd have to put another alarm a bit further away.

If he’s struggling to wake up he needs to see a GP to rule out any medical cause.

The op has said he won’t see a GP
For his whole adult life he has had his father, his ex (mother of his first child) and now the op (mother of his next 3 children) all enslaved to him. None of them matter enough to him.

I sleep like the dead so I get it, but its his responsibility not yours.

I still manage to get myself to work every day. How?

Sunrise alarm clocks.
Alarms for the hearing impaired - go under pillow and vibrate.
Set multiple alarms on phone, all set to snooze at regular intervals. They have different tunes and I choose the most irritating tunes for them I can, and switch them up when I become used to them (and will start sleeping through them).

You can also get alarms that fly or race around your room and you physically have to get up to turn them off, but I haven't needed to try these.

So unattractive.

Open the window wide. Turn on music loud. Send in the kids. Don't put up with crap.

It sucks, OP. My husband sets his alarm earlier than mine but it only wakes me. It’s like he tells his brain it’s okay to ignore it because it’s done the main job - waking me. I’m always the one who has to wake up and wake the kids up (then him) and it’s tiring as it’s just another aspect of the mental load. I know I have to get up, whereas he knows I will bear his responsibility - that’s the difference!

To be fair he isn’t late and will wake up after a grumble. But it just winds me up that he sleeps fast and relaxed because he knows he is safe because I will always get up.

I worked continual nights for a period of six months. I was like a zombie and had to stop.

I read up at the time that working nights goes completely against your internal body clock etc and that exhaustion is a genuine problem.

Google it!

Perhaps switch focus a bit, OP. Are you sure that you would be homeless and starving if he 'lost his job because you refused to be his personal wake-up call'? Or has he convinced you that you only get to eat and have a roof over your head because of his graciousness?
Are there other aspects of your household life that involve you doing much more than your fair share of the shitwork because he 'works hard' ie brings in a wage and therefore deserves to 'rest' more than you?
When it comes to decisions like what to eat, what music to play in the house, where to go if you get a babysitter in, does it always have to be stuff that suits his taste, whether or not it appeals to you?

@NotebookAddict

Wake him up with a kiss 20 minutes early and say, "You need to get up in ten minutes, love."

After ten minutes, get in the bed with him and nick the warm part of the quilt. Set the alarm for ten minutes' time. Keep talking to him, then when the alarm goes off, start tickling him and mucking around.

If he still won't wake up, get a wet flannel and stand over him with it dripping slightly as you say sweetly, "Would you like a wet flannel to help you wake up, darling, or are you awake now?"

I'd explain to him that acting like his mummy is not sexy so he can go without the adult side of a relationship until he acts like one. Failing that then DC need to be trained not to jump on him but to bash saucepan lids together instead.

A brutally loud alarm clock placed on the opposite side of the room.

Havent read whole thread but you can get smart light bulbs and use an Alexa alarm to make the lights flash when the alarm goes off. You can set multiple alarms too.

Tell him you're not doing it anymore. Simple. He can lose his job or starve. It's not your job to be his mum.