To buy clothes for a baby even though I’m not pregnant

[somegirlontheinter]

I’m 29 and very broody. We can’t have a baby yet as we need to save money to raise them, feed them and send them to school. I have £5k in savings. We’d also really like to move up the property ladder. My SO and I need to complete postgrad exams in order to advance in our profession (£2-3k each). We do not share our disposable income and never will do.

I am so looking forward to having a baby one day. Sometimes I see baby clothes that are just so cute, I feel like I have to buy them or I’ll never see them again. I’ve spent probably £2-3k on baby clothes in the 3 years, I’d say around half on sale. My SO is upset because he feels that I’m throwing money away. He’s managed to save quite a bit already which will cover a few years of education. I feel that we are technically saving money by front loading the cost of this necessity. I think it’s such a non issue and it’s quite smart tbh. We have a shared budget of £50k for offspring and I can definitely save this by the time I’m 35 (it will take me 30 months to save £25k). Surely it only matters that I eventually save the money, not that I save it at the same rate as him.

We’ve been together since we were 18 and we’ve always agreed about money and spending. But as we age, he’s becoming very anxious and extra cautious about the cost of having a family and he can be quite stubborn e.g. a child will survive with free education as I did, they don’t definitely need savings accounts from birth etc. He’s taking it a little too seriously because many people don’t save so much before starting a family.

We’ve bickered about this quite a bit and it really winds me up. I feel like the arguments are getting worse about such a minor issue. Is he being unreasonable?

You should take photographs of all the baby clothes you love.

Don't buy them. You can take photos and treasure them a different way.

Then when you have your baby if there's something you were particularly fond of you'll have a photo to remind you and help you look for an equivalent.

Could you learn to knit or crochet? That way you could also make things for your future baby

It's a bit odd to have spent that much money on a baby that is still a dream so you should find other ways of channeling your energy, creativity and broodiness

1. 2-3k on baby clothes is ridiculous even if you have a baby!
2. You need to share income when you have a baby or you will end up paying for everything. Why should you need to cover childcare etc?

Ha! Having read through the thread now I see my ideas have been suggested already. Oh well. Still good ideas I think.

I think giving some of the items as gifts to friends is a wonderful idea OP. Bought with love, given with love.

That's something you should get some joy out of.

Oh the other thing I do OP that saves me money is to create wish lists. I do it on Amazon but there are special apps too.

If I see something I like I save it to the wish list. It feels good somehow? Like I've acquired it, but really it's just the idea of it.

Often weeks later when I look at the wish lists again I almost always think "I'm glad I didn't buy that, what a waste of money that would have been"

Maybe that's another diversion tactic you can use? Still dream, still plan, but save your money.

I think some gentle counselling may help with what seems to be becoming an obsession.

@somegirlontheinter You’re doing an amazing job of life by the sound of it, 29, saved 60K and have got your own property and the capability to save another 50k over the next few years. Bloody well done, you’re in a better position that millions of people and you should be proud of that. By now you’ve agreed that the baby clothes weren’t the best idea but like you say you can get a lot of that money back. Lesson learned, don’t beat yourself up about it and certainly don’t let anyone on here take anything away from your achievements so far.

@somegirlontheinter I’ve made it as far as the post where you say this:

“I see mums all the time, with kids of all ages not just babies, and I desperately long to be them just for a little bit! I feel like it’s so far away for me because I’m not where I want to be in my career, I’ve got exams to pass and whatever else to plump up my CV. Sometimes it feels like I’m drowning in my professional life and I never have time for my own life. I don’t think I can realistically live my life as an adult until I’m mid 30s onwards. I can’t change my career either because it would be huge step backwards.”

I don’t know what career you’re in, but suspect it’s similar to mine (professional services). I thought exactly like you. I’m now 35 and pregnant with my first child. Earning 6 figures, well established in my career, married, own our home etc.

If I could go back and speak to my 30 year old self I would say “what the hell are you doing?? If you want a baby, have one now.” My biggest regret is having put it off so long thinking there was some magical career stage I had to get to first. Having a child doesn’t get easier as you progress in your career. In my experience, if anything, it becomes harder. And at this point I have to accept that if I want more than one or two kids I’ve probably left it too late for that to be an option.

You sound like you are financially secure. So you do not NEED to save or increase your income or whatever to be able to responsibly have and raise a child.

You will be working for the next 30+ years. So taking an exam, getting a promotion or whatever else a year or two later than you would otherwise honestly makes no material difference in the grand scheme of things. It feels like it does right now, I get that. But you’ll look back on it in 10 years and realise it really doesn’t.

I would say that if you want children that badly you shouldn’t wait another 6 years on the premise you need to be at a certain career stage before you hear them. I think you will regret it.

I bought charity shop or similar the amount of discarded baby clothes after clear outs is enormous. Then for second pregnancy I had plenty but lost that one plus the two after because I’d left it too late. I still sadly have some of these items I’m in my late 60s now. You sound like you need counselling also your SO maybe together. Get on with it!! Don’t make my mistake why the anxiety and OCD stuff around needing to be so expensively set up to start a family ? There’s something going on here.

It feels like you’re waiting for some magical time when everything will be perfectly aligned for you to have a baby. Chances are things won’t work that way. I’ve had complicated plans about timing my studies vs babies and between losing a baby at birth and several miscarriages ended up somehow having my PhD viva and giving birth to my second in the same fortnight. Life is usually messy, and trying too hard to make it un-messy has usually set me up for bouts of depression. I know many above have suggested therapy, but I strongly urge you to consider it regardless of whether you choose to have kids or not.

Babies need food, warmth, love and an outfit of clean clothes. I don't think you'd even have time to dress a baby in 3k worth of clothes. I feel OP that you and your partner would benefit from counselling as you both sound very rigid in your beliefs and approaches to life planning. It would be an awful shame to defer having children to your mid to late 30s and then have fertility issues.

On the NHS website:aged 19 to 26 – 92% will conceive after 1 year and 98% after 2 years. aged 35 to 39 – 82% will conceive after 1 year and 90% after 2 years.

Of course on a parenting forum, there would be more cases of infertility as people tend to seek out forums when having problems. If you based real life on the relationships forum, no one would ever get married.

ZaphodBeeblerox

I agree. Planning your life rarely works. Life often throws curved balls. mental or physical health issues, redundancy, husband may run off with the postman.
Goals are no bad things, but life is usually unpredictable.
If you can- having savings in the bank is a better way to prepare for life's often bumpy ride.
£3K in the bank is a better safety net than £3K worth of baby clothes.
And shopping for baby clothes is more fun when you are actually pregnant.

@onlychildhamster I don’t think your stats reflect my cohort’s experience at all. I am age bracket 35-39 and I have conceived ten times in two years of trying but I don’t have a baby, all mine went down the toilet or are buried in the garden. Egg quality declines massively even if you have a good egg reserve (I do). Miscarriages are much more common. Failed IVF rounds are much more common! Many of my friends are struggling too. Fit, healthy, active, slim everything going for them but age. No-one expects to be a statistic but it is a biological reality that starting to conceive late reduces the likelihood you will ever be a parent. I had little choice in the matter (met DP late thirties) but OP does. And I wish someone had told me this sooner because I thought good AMH meant I was ok to start later and I wasn’t!

@onlychildhamster

On the NHS website:aged 19 to 26 – 92% will conceive after 1 year and 98% after 2 years. aged 35 to 39 – 82% will conceive after 1 year and 90% after 2 years.

Of course on a parenting forum, there would be more cases of infertility as people tend to seek out forums when having problems. If you based real life on the relationships forum, no one would ever get married.

I'm sure I read that of women who start trying at 37, 30% will never have a baby.

Yes you'll always get women who are in the other 70% who conceive and have babies well into their 40s but reality is nobody likes to think they'll be that 30%

Funny, I told nobody how long I had been trying (14 months at 33). Not sure where these statistics are from. Plenty of women try for a long time, miscarry or don't conceive and quietly (understandably) give up.

In my NCT group, 2 out of 8 had tried for 5 years and 6 years, requiring 2 rounds of IVF each. They were both late 30s when I met them.

I'm sure I read that of women who start trying at 37, 30% will never have a baby.

While I am sure that is true it's often not through choice.
There is a destructive idea that these driven career women hold off too long and only have themselves to blame-" serves them right"

I was 38 when I had my first, and would have preferred to have a child in my 20's but things didn;t work out like that.
I married young, my OH developed cancer which left him sterile when I was 23. We later divorced, my next partner was keen to start a family " at some point", but after years of me waiting changed his mind, we split up and I was left alone at 36 with no children.
I didn't want to be a single parent, so not an option, but at 37 met a lovely man- childless too, and I became pregnant within six weeks of starting our relationship.
I assumed my fertility would be lower given my age, but apparently not!
A second baby followed soon after- and OH and I are still happily together 25 years later.

@speakout

O’Brien says the frequency of intercourse can have a big impact on a couple’s chances of conceiving. In a 2004 study, 82 per cent of women aged 35-39 having sex twice a week conceived, but this fell to 71 per cent for women in this age group having sex once per week, she says.

Sorry should have @Lockdownbear

O’Brien says the frequency of intercourse can have a big impact on a couple’s chances of conceiving. In a 2004 study, 82 per cent of women aged 35-39 having sex twice a week conceived, but this fell to 71 per cent for women in this age group having sex once per week, she says.

That's a lot of money on baby clothes. I've had 2 children and can't imagine I've spent that much in 6 years. If I have I don't wanna know hahaha. But on just baby clothes that's insane. Also you don't need a special house or loads of money or anything to have a baby. I think you should scrap the planning and just start your family before it's too late.

@speakout I stated something I'd read. Doesn't matter the reasons, the point is fertility declines in mid - late 30s.

Doesn't matter if a woman holds of because of relationship, career or money the fact is the same the biological clock is ticking.

@onlychildhamster trouble conceiving vs. trouble maintaining a pregnant are very different things, but both result in the same outcome. Those statistics don't address pregnancy loss.

@L0stinCyberspace The risk of miscarriage – losing a baby up to 24 weeks of pregnancy – does unfortunately increase as you get older. The risk of a pregnancy ending in miscarriage for women aged 30 is 18%. That rises for women aged 35 to 22%.

Honestly - if you’re going to save for anything, save for childcare. £3k on clothes is a drop in the ocean compared to that little expense.

Get some help.