To buy clothes for a baby even though I’m not pregnant

[somegirlontheinter]

I’m 29 and very broody. We can’t have a baby yet as we need to save money to raise them, feed them and send them to school. I have £5k in savings. We’d also really like to move up the property ladder. My SO and I need to complete postgrad exams in order to advance in our profession (£2-3k each). We do not share our disposable income and never will do.

I am so looking forward to having a baby one day. Sometimes I see baby clothes that are just so cute, I feel like I have to buy them or I’ll never see them again. I’ve spent probably £2-3k on baby clothes in the 3 years, I’d say around half on sale. My SO is upset because he feels that I’m throwing money away. He’s managed to save quite a bit already which will cover a few years of education. I feel that we are technically saving money by front loading the cost of this necessity. I think it’s such a non issue and it’s quite smart tbh. We have a shared budget of £50k for offspring and I can definitely save this by the time I’m 35 (it will take me 30 months to save £25k). Surely it only matters that I eventually save the money, not that I save it at the same rate as him.

We’ve been together since we were 18 and we’ve always agreed about money and spending. But as we age, he’s becoming very anxious and extra cautious about the cost of having a family and he can be quite stubborn e.g. a child will survive with free education as I did, they don’t definitely need savings accounts from birth etc. He’s taking it a little too seriously because many people don’t save so much before starting a family.

We’ve bickered about this quite a bit and it really winds me up. I feel like the arguments are getting worse about such a minor issue. Is he being unreasonable?

I too have bought a couple of baby items over the years when feeling broody (but spent nowhere near 2-3k!! More like £15)! But after trying for over 4 years I really wish I didn’t have baby clothes stashed away… now it’s more just a painful reminder of what we don’t have!

Also.. if you’re arguing & disagreeing over these things perhaps bringing a baby into the world should be put on hold until you can agree on how you would raise the child and parent it together

Personally it is a bit weird to buy baby clothes when you are not even pregnant. Even pregnant you buy only when you know for sure the sex of the baby otherwise you stick to neutral. Spend 3k on chlothes for a baby that isn't conceived is unreasonable, your partner is right to be mad.

I thought you were going to say the odd wee jacket or cute cardigan. £2K!! No matter how wealthy or not you are this is absolute madness. You need to seriously wise up. Just have a baby if you want one that badly fit your life around it. But please please stop buying baby clothes.

I would find it very distressing having so many baby clothes if I wasn’t even sure if I could conceive ! Save that money incase you need IVF or similar , maybe that’s why your partner is so concerned not the money but your obsession with a future baby

I was the same as you before I had my babies. I bought my future child a secondhand Stella McCartney cardigan on eBay for a 3 year old child. I was in my early twenties. I had my first child in my mid thirties. (I never found the right partner and then when I did, I got breast cancer and had to have surgery, chemo and 2 years on hormone suppressants... I was lucky to conceive naturally - twice.)

I've attached a photo of my little boy in the Stella McCartney cardigan - 15 years after I bought it. I bought a lot of stuff - including a £500 baby carrier in a leopard print which I never used as it was complicated and maybe a little too girly for my two boys.
We have savings accounts for them and I'm lucky enough to be able to buy a mix of new and second hand clothes for them to wear.

Would I do a few things differently? Yes, probably as I've wasted a fair amount of money. Would I not have bought baby items before having babies on hindsight? No - it made me happy, especially while I was waiting for treatment to end so I could start a family.

I think you need to find a balance though. I found it soothed my broodiness a little to create Pinterest boards where I pinned ideas for outfits, nursery decor, useful things to buy.

I hope you can come to a compromise with your partner. He sounds sensible and will ensure your children are set up for the future. x

Erm you may need some help, spending £2-3k on a baby that doesn’t exist is complete mental and if you can afford that on clothes then I’m pretty sure you could probably just afford to have the baby

If you can drop 3k on baby clothes for a baby who doesn’t even exist yet I don’t see the need to delay having a baby too 35 for financial reasons. Do u think he’s changed his mind perhaps and doesn’t want children? You may find conception difficult so please consider that rather than waiting til you have the perfect house abd amount in the bank (I conceived on first attempt at 34 but have many firsts in misery undergoing IVF).
I got a few bits before getting pregnant as baby clothes are super cute! I buy too many even now buy honestly they grow out of things so quickly and anything after 6 months just gets awfully stained. it is totally a waste of money!

I’m due March 6th, and have literally just placed an order for a few baby grows and vests. Should I be more organised?!

You are totally maaaad. They'll be out if date clothes by the time you get pregnant. Just enjoy the years between, otherwise I can see that there will be a row and you'll split. Private education is not all it's cracked up to be and 50k will go nowhere by the time you have a child ..and that's not even guaranteed.
Your attitude is harming your relationship.
Enjoy today as there may not be a tomorrow.

Sounds like you want a baby now. Do it. X

I just remember being told If I waited until I could afford everything for my kids, I would never have them...you know kids don't have to be that expensive...love and cuddles are pretty darn cheap! I have baby number 5 on the way and so far I've bought a pack of summer romper suits and a pack of 5 baby-gros, one wee outfit but nothing else until we know if she's a chunky or a skinny!
I don't think I've spent that much on clothes on all of them in the entire 23 years I've been a Mum, then again I love charity shops and get given clothes from family! lol x

You admit you may be infertile

So save the money for IVF

There are so many things kids need to grow - but clothes are pretty close to the bottom of the pile

I am sorry everyone is every Frank - but it is honesty batshit unreasonable

You need to get you and your partner comfortable enough to start trying … and then go for it

@IAteTheLastOne

I’m due March 6th, and have literally just placed an order for a few baby grows and vests. Should I be more organised?!

This is one weird hobby..

@Dubgirl1212

You need to stop buying baby clothes but your SO needs to relax too. If everybody waited until everything in their life was 100 percent perfect nobody would have children.

Agree with this. Have a baby OP !

I don’t see an issue with the odd gorgeous set you fall in love with, but, when you actually have your first child you’ll learn a lot about what types of clothes are practical and what drives you up the wall and then you’ll kick yourself for having all the surplus. Plus, babies grow so fast, baby clothes barely get worn. Clearly you love this hobby, but perhaps you could find other ways to focus it? Build a fantasy wardrobe online instead and then when you actually have the baby, splurge then. I think those clothes you have may end up causing you heartache if your plan doesn’t materialise, and I can see how your SO would hate this.

Clothes are probably one of the minor purchases for babies. You could always keep your mind busy but researching travel systems, highchairs, cots etc but don’t buy anything! Go mad on spreadsheets!

It also sounds like your head and heart are not on the same page. It’s tough wanting kids but feeling like you should wait. I wouldn’t wait too long because infertility is more common than you might think, and it’s really hard emotionally, and can get very expensive!!! I don’t think your SO is being unreasonable, but it seems like you are delaying having kids by spending the money you need for other things. My DH is also a worrier about money etc and this has got worse the longer we have been together, but it is useful to have someone ‘on it’ with those things, but it is about balance.

Good luck!

I’ve spent probably £2-3k on baby clothes in the 3 years
and offspring

This can't be real. If it is, it is one of the craziest things I've read on MN. OP in the gentlest way, please seek help. That is an insane amount of money. You're not even pregnant or anywhere near being pregnant. If you're saving up for 'offspring', why in god's name are you blowing so much money on baby clothes, hence delaying the time when you can start to try to conceive of this non-existent baby? You might need to explore this with a therapist.

I can't help but feel you could maybe seek some advice from a counseller or a doctor. I've been in a similar position. I felt by buying so much stuff would help fill an empty hole in my heart. I got pregnant at a young age and lost him at 17 weeks, and I still can't let his stuff go many years later. And it's still a painful reminder seeing his box of clothes in the wardrobe. I don't want to sound rude but could there be an underlying reason why you're spending so much money on clothes for a baby that doesn't yet exist? Do you suffer from any anxieties? I found I had anxieties that I didn't want to face, and by admitting that I had a problem and working on myself it helped me so much. I probably sound like I'm talking a load of rubbish but definitely speak to someone, it's so hard to admit we need help sometimes

YABU.
That’s an extortionate amount of money to spend on baby clothes, given you don’t know what gender any baby you might have will be or what season they will be born in and therefore whether any of the clothes you have bought will even be of any use.
Even if you knew these things that’s a lot of money on clothes that get grown out of very quickly and ruined by poo and sick.
I think you’ve been foolish and can totally understand why your SO is annoyed with you.

I did this too, although not to anywhere near the extent that you have.
With me it was just a few little outfits that I couldn't resist.
I was very blessed and got to use those outfits a couple of years later.
I think you know yourself that it is extreme to spend the amount of money you have, but I would never judge you for it.
I really hope things work out for you.

Hi OP. Just wanted to say, I felt like this for a long time and really felt the weight of the 'baby shaped hole'. I was single, studying and travelling for a long time so babies were a long way off... and even then I would occasionally buy cute baby things I had seen that I really liked. I didnt spend much on them because I didnt have much, but I dont think the money is really the point here. For me it was more about the longing and the very real fear it might never happen. I have seen another poster suggest a pinterest board and this is something I did. When I felt a I needed or saw something I wanted, I would give myself 10 mins or so to look at baby things and add them to my board. But I also tried to imagine how positive a life without children could look and balanced it out with 10 mins or so looking at amazing holidays, etc, that I could never take a child on! This helped me accept both realities and realize also how amazing a life without children would be. It definitely helped to shrink the hole.
Years later, I'm now in a position where we have been ttc for 6 months. I'm 38 and have struggled with the fear of infertility, but I think taking all those years trying to balanced my focus is really helping me now. If I'd carried on focusing so hard on that yearning I would definitely have set myself up for it to be a problem now all these years later.
Although 3k is a lot of money, I suspect the real issue for your bf is that he is concerned about your level of emotional investment on something that isnt yet a possibility and not seeing what you have now, not considering your life to be whole/ complete as it is and rushing through it to get to a certain target in the future.

As everyone else has said, spending that amount of money baby clothes even if you had a baby is insane, the fact you haven't got one takes it to another level.

You obviously really want a baby, I would start trying for one as soon as you can. The timing is never perfect. Also you just don't know if you are going to have complications TTC - miscarriages are so common, I've had 4 so you need to think that it might not be a walk in the park

I actually am lost for words here 🥴

That's pretty odd. I doubt I've spent that much on 3 kids in 13 year's total.

Maybe consider getting some mental health help as others have surgested.

Hi op,
The amount you have spent is over the top. You have a problem of some kind-perhaps this is what is making yr partner so cautious. There are several things going on here that need unpicking. I’d suggest counselling to really get to the bottom of the dynamic that’s developed between the two of you. This is not a right/wrong issue and needs careful kindness.