To buy clothes for a baby even though I’m not pregnant

[somegirlontheinter]

I’m 29 and very broody. We can’t have a baby yet as we need to save money to raise them, feed them and send them to school. I have £5k in savings. We’d also really like to move up the property ladder. My SO and I need to complete postgrad exams in order to advance in our profession (£2-3k each). We do not share our disposable income and never will do.

I am so looking forward to having a baby one day. Sometimes I see baby clothes that are just so cute, I feel like I have to buy them or I’ll never see them again. I’ve spent probably £2-3k on baby clothes in the 3 years, I’d say around half on sale. My SO is upset because he feels that I’m throwing money away. He’s managed to save quite a bit already which will cover a few years of education. I feel that we are technically saving money by front loading the cost of this necessity. I think it’s such a non issue and it’s quite smart tbh. We have a shared budget of £50k for offspring and I can definitely save this by the time I’m 35 (it will take me 30 months to save £25k). Surely it only matters that I eventually save the money, not that I save it at the same rate as him.

We’ve been together since we were 18 and we’ve always agreed about money and spending. But as we age, he’s becoming very anxious and extra cautious about the cost of having a family and he can be quite stubborn e.g. a child will survive with free education as I did, they don’t definitely need savings accounts from birth etc. He’s taking it a little too seriously because many people don’t save so much before starting a family.

We’ve bickered about this quite a bit and it really winds me up. I feel like the arguments are getting worse about such a minor issue. Is he being unreasonable?

@RussianSpy101 I'm poor and happy. If I'd had children they wouldn'tve struggled for food and would've been well loved. People go on about the cost of food but it's not much if you're sensible. I don't think any kid doesn't have an evening meal of some kind (hot or cold) unless there's something wrong with the parents TBH- addiction for instance. At least not long term. Food banks tend to be a very short term thing, if someone uses them at all.

I have a severe mental health disability but if I had a kid I'd still make sure they got enough food/nutrition.

Loaf of bread- 36p
Apples- 69p for 6 (12p each)
Carrots- 45p for 1.5kg
Jacket potatoes- 1.19 for 2.5kg,

and so on.

My income might change this year, so the other week I sat and worked it all out.

@onlychildhamster you're not going to convince most of the posters here that a couple who have both spent 7 years at university, likely quite skilled given not many careers require this, would need £50k before they even start trying to conceive. I have several friends who took a year to conceive over 30, myself included. The OP says she can save almost £1k a month, so she could save nearly £10k of her "half" while she is actually pregnant if it's immediate conception. Had I taken this approach then I could have saved £21k of it after I came off the pill.

I think you both need to chill out in terms of such rigid obsessions. Buying £3k worth of clothes for a baby that doesn't exist yet isnt healthy but neither is your OHs rigidity on your saving plans. Give or take would be beneficial for both of you. And with the greatest respect, I don't think you need anymore clothes x

I don’t want to repeat what almost all of the PPs have said regarding buying clothes for a non existent baby.
From experience, I’d say if you definitely want children, start trying sooner rather than later. I left it late and had way too many fertility problems. I understand wanting to further your education for better prospects, but that’s something you can always do after you have had children. It might be a bit difficult, but completely doable and there’s no biological clock time pressure for that. But if you are sure you don’t want to try until your mid 30s, then I’d suggest spend your savings on freezing your eggs and that way you will still be able to use you “younger” eggs at a later age.

Is the entirety of that £3000 wardrobe sex neutral clothes @somegirlontheinter?

@RussianSpy101

Not dying of starvation, no. But the numbers of families reliant on food banks isn’t “making it work” in my opinion. Nobody wants that life. The number of children whose only meal a day is the one they get at school is appalling.

It’s the truth that many don’t make it work. They scrape by with every little bit of help they can possibly get. It’s no life.

But this can happen no matter how well you plan. There was a poster the other day and the family had gone from having a very large income, living in a 5 bed house, to living on the breadline with savings spent. Jobs lost. Relying on family to help out. Looking to downgrade. You never know what's around the corner. But if we all lived assuming the worst was going to happen, no babies would ever be born.

So whilst it's all well and good having savings for a baby that's planned for sometime in the next 6 years, there's no guarantee they won't need to dip into it if something goes awry in their careers. So there might never be a good time.

I bought a beautiful pair of baby slippers, blue and white striped and soft fur lined from white company in the sale when we were waiting until the timing was right to try. By the time I had tried for 3 years I was sick of the sight of them, I had bought them with such hope and excitement and by that point I hated myself for feeling hop I hid them away at the back of the cupboard so I couldn't see them.

When my first DS was born I was at an event and put them on him and realised how ridiculous newborn slippers were and took them straight off and they've never been on either son again.

2-3k on a baby that doesn't even exist yet?! that's crazy. I don't think I've spent 2-3k between both my babies who are not babies anymore

@Kanaloa I do have one year of mortgage and basic expenses saved up as a childless couple so 24k. That amount would likely be adjusted slightly upwards when we have a child. Never had less than £10k in the bank even in my poorest times when we couldn't even afford IKEA delivery and literally carried a bookshelf home on the bus.

I would probably want a few months of nursery fees saved up so I don't disrupt my child's routine just because I lost my job! Also would be quite handy if my child is sick and the NHS does not offer treatment and I had to go private. My DH had to pay for an operation during the pandemic due to NHS being overstretched; thankfully we could afford it. As adults, we can bear discomfort, I cannot bear the idea of any child of mine being denied healthcare because I can't afford to pay for it privately.

You are way over thinking this, seriously just go for it, have a baby, why on earth are you planning your finances so meticulously. Yes, you both work and have roof over your head, families and finances will work together as needed like everyone else. Just pay along the way, yes of course it's great to have savings but you sound a bit ott here. We have four children, have about €1k in savings, have never been stuck for anything. The focus you have on money is just way too much, you need to relaxZ yabu

@Kanaloa they might not always be a 2 parent family, especially not given how different they appear from the posts OP has made.

@karlakourt

And babies dont wear dungarees

They really just need comfort. Soft clothes. Onesies mostly

You're really quite clueless. Stop buying stuff you will never use

You can get soft overall/dungarees. No need to be so horrible to the Op.

I can understand maybe someone very broody getting 'an' outfit for a future baby as a symbol to look forward to. She has just got very carried away but it's clear she has seen that from her posts.

[quote onlychildhamster]@Kanaloa I do have one year of mortgage and basic expenses saved up as a childless couple so 24k. That amount would likely be adjusted slightly upwards when we have a child. Never had less than £10k in the bank even in my poorest times when we couldn't even afford IKEA delivery and literally carried a bookshelf home on the bus.

I would probably want a few months of nursery fees saved up so I don't disrupt my child's routine just because I lost my job! Also would be quite handy if my child is sick and the NHS does not offer treatment and I had to go private. My DH had to pay for an operation during the pandemic due to NHS being overstretched; thankfully we could afford it. As adults, we can bear discomfort, I cannot bear the idea of any child of mine being denied healthcare because I can't afford to pay for it privately.[/quote]
Ok well congratulations on never letting your savings dip below 10k, that’s quite an achievement.

However, it’s not necessary before having a baby and the majority of people won’t have 50k in savings ‘just in case.’ Lovely if you can afford it though, but if I’m honest in this case it sounds like a feet dragging exercise.

I think you are demonstrating obsessive compulsive behalf. Your compulsion to buy the baby clothes is driven by obsession to have a baby. You need to seek help if you really cannot stop buying baby clothing. I understand because after my Mum died I bought lots of Royal Albert bone china. I bought far too much but just could not stop myself. In one week I bought a dinner set for 24 people with serving dishes, gravy boats the works. I spent over £5k in 8 months before I got help.

OP you are excited. We all spend money on things we don’t need, especially pre-children! You’ve got the idea you’ve been over the top but it’s not the end of the world! Hope everything works out for you 😊

I’m not going to comment on the financial aspect. It’s been done over and over. I think you need to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about why he wants to wait so long and the impact this could have on your fertility. Understandably, you are desperate to be a mum but you don’t want to waste time with someone who is pushing it away and doesn’t really want a baby. Good luck!
P.S. I can see how easy it is to get wrapped up in buying cute dungarees. Baby clothes are lovely! Many are impractical but I do understand your drive.

However, it’s not necessary before having a baby and the majority of people won’t have 50k in savings ‘just in case.’ Lovely if you can afford it though, but if I’m honest in this case it sounds like a feet dragging exercise

I agree. Has OP clarified if they're both in agreement with when to start trying for a baby or if this is just her DHs stance? I know she said she wants to get further into her career first, so in that case perhaps that's a feet dragging exercise on her part too.

Can I ask, OP, what would happen if you fell pregnant before the allotted time frame? Contraception malfunction for example.

“Mickarooni
P.S. I can see how easy it is to get wrapped up in buying cute dungarees. Baby clothes are lovely! Many are impractical but I do understand your drive.“

So can I. And the expense is just a reflection I believe of your translation into money terms of how precious this all is to you. I think you are exhibiting ‘nesting’ but are trying to quell your instinct to have a baby and it is manifesting itself in this other way.

I think you need help to start really working out what the reality of this predicament is for you.

My DH wanted to wait until we were in a financially secure position before trying (also I think the idea of being a father worried him) but we couldn’t come to an agreement on what the definition of “ready” was, because honestly - there really is no perfect time to have a child. 13 years on we now have 3 DDs, and it’s worked itself out - we’ve cut our cloth accordingly. A baby really doesn’t need expensive material goods, the best thing you can give your much wanted child is your love, everything else will genuinely work itself out.
May I ask whether your determination to achieve in your career before having a child is due to your heritage/culture or morals taught to you during your upbringing? I only suggest this as coming from a minority background myself, I can recognise something in you that I’ve seen in other family members. I wondered whether it was family pressure that was influencing your decisions?

Absolute lunacy. You may not even be able to get pregnant.

Get counselling not baby clothes.

As someone else has said I think you need to maybe see a therapist as think there’s a lot more going on here if you have genuinely spent that much money on baby clothes for a baby that doesn’t, and might never exist.

I am currently 10 weeks pregnant with twins yet won’t buy clothes yet. I feel like it’s tempting fate. And when I do it certainly won’t amount to that cost. I am not trying to be patronising but I think it may be worth speaking to a professional as there must be a reason you have this compulsion. It’s not healthy.

Also you need to consider your ages - fertility doesn’t last forever and the longer you wait the more it decreases, make sure your health is in top condition. If you’re anxious talk to you partner and make some real plans . Money isn’t everything and it would be a shame if you missed the opportunity.

Sorry but spending that much on clothes for one baby even if they do exist is crazy. It must be an immense amount of things are from sales. I say that as someone who loves clothes too. On top of that what about all the new lovely stuff you'll want to buy. The stuff you have will likely be dated anyway. You might want gendered clothes but assume you have bought all unisex so far