Partner unhappy with botox & more

[Noname91]

Hi there
So my partner of 1.5 years reacted quite badly to me saying I may want botox and my teeth to be whitened. I'm in my 30s. I'm not super self conscious it's just something I want. I come from a long line of wrinkly foreheads.
I am financially independent- I have a decent job.
Background..
When I mentioned that my sister and I had discussed getting Botox to our foreheads, and foreheads only, she said she doesn’t want to be with someone who has Botox or anything to do with altering the way I look - inc Invisalign and whitening of teeth. She cried a lot and said she’s only attracted to people who aren’t self conscious about their looks.
W regards to the whitening that was the whole 'it's a chemical and I don't believe in it'.
I guess it's nice that my partner likes how I look naturally - I'd be upset if they wanted me/ told me to get it done but I do think Christ it's my body and also how can someone who Loves me threaten you leave me if I get it done.
I don't know what to think or feel.
I am confused by this reaction.

Anyone been through something similar/ have some advice?
Are there other treatments out there that don't include botox? Thanks x

TatianaBis Who cares if you have a problem with it?! 🤣 I don’t think any woman would really care whether you have noticed it or not. I mean, so what if the changes are noticeable?
OP wants it for herself, it is really is irreverent whether you or her partner or anyone else has a problem with it

@OnlyAFleshWound the UK standard for fillers is abysmal - it’s very much the horrible fake love island look. It is possible to do these things in a subtle way.

@waterproofed

Haha, you’re meant to start Botox as young as possible for full benefits! JustFrustrated are you being paid for peddling this line straight from a cometic clinic brochure or is that just your way of feeling better about your choices?

Each to their own, but let’s not pretend the industry isn’t set up to capitalise on women’s insecurities around ageing.

Never had Botox and judging by my older family members, will never need it.

It's easier to prevent than cure and all that.

Im not disputing the industries intent to capitalise. Just stating the rather obvious fact of prevention Vs cure. Pipe down now.

For the partner here, it sounds like a genuine issue of values and of seeing OP in a different light. I can see why that would be very upsetting.

I can't. Your values as a human depend on how you treat others and make them feel, not what personal aesthetic you like on yourself. If your values include crying at your partner over some minor and morally neutral cosmetic procedure, or indeed berating women and attempting to make them feel ugly or amoral because of a procedure that's less than a cut and colour, it's not everyone else who should be reconsidering their humanity.

[quote TatianaBis]@5218

Well thank goodness you're on on the case! The last thing we want is for women to think they look better and have more self confidence, when there are people like yourself having a problem because they look worse.

I’m all for self-confidence in women. But one of the reason women tend to lack confidence is because they are inculcated that confidence, value and self worth are linked to appearance.

Real self confidence does not derive from appearance or from beliefs around what you think you have improved in it. Self confidence that hinges on appearance is very fragile.[/quote]
@TatianaBis - you say that re real self confidence doesn't derive from appearance or if it hinges on appearance is very fragile - I actually disagree with you here.

If you think you look good - whether it's with friends, at work, then I find you tend to perform better.

I'm the classic ugly duckling into swan syndrome - had glasses up until 12 when I found I didn't need them, or for only reading and TV. I was teased for wearing glasses and yes this did impact on my self confidence a lot, I was shy and had a couple of close friends. Once I didn't wear glasses, yes I got more attention from both boys and girls and I gradually gained self confidence, but it took a lot of time.

I recall a lot when I was younger, getting jobs based on my appearance (which was then, very pretty). Naturally that improved my self confidence. As I've aged, naturally my attractiveness has waned a bit and I don't place a lot of importance on it compared to in the past but I still make an effort with my appearance to look good.

I've known women in the past tell me, "I'm a plain Jane", "I don't make much effort in my appearance" so they either create self confidence based on their character and skills or they don't. One ex-boss of mine who was actually attractive (but she didn't think she was) was quite bitter about this and cattily said to me "we can't all be oil paintings can we, Gonna?!". I wasn't acting like I loved myself in any way, just normally and had gained real self confidence, in my early 20s.

Value for women and self worth is in my mind sort of linked to appearance but it's a fine line. You have to value yourself and know how much you're worth as a person, e.g. as a friend etc and generally these both aren't linked to your looks.

@AnotherSillawithanS

To be honest with you op some women that have had Botox, lip fillers etc look absolutely hideous and men piss themselves laughing at them. Not just men of course.

That said, you do what you want.

@AnotherSillawithanS - anyone who pisses themselves laughing at women or men who've had plastic surgery which is obvious - well that says a lot about them as a person doesn't it?

I was in a cafe last summer and behind me was a woman with very obvious plastic surgery - I mentioned it to my brother who I was with when she went to the toilet but I felt bad afterwards about having spoken about her, because, if she was happy, what did it matter to me? And I made a mental note not to judge in the future whether in my mind or outwardly.

Her reaction would have me running a mile.. Botox and teeth whitening would not!

@AnotherSillawithanS

To be honest with you op some women that have had Botox, lip fillers etc look absolutely hideous and men piss themselves laughing at them. Not just men of course.

That said, you do what you want.

Yeah. Some men also piss themselves laughing at fat women, old women, women they think are ugly, women who wear certain clothing styles... Not going to worry too much about that given any man who laughed at a woman's appearance wouldn't get a second of my time. I'd say it's possible OP may feel the same.

@DrSbaitso Again, you’ve put your own views in here (“minor and morally neutral”). Sound like OP’s partner doesn’t share your views.

The fact is, OP gets to choose what to do with her face, the partner gets to choose whether to stay with her. Given the partner’s strength of feeling, it sounds as if that won’t be an easy choice. That’s why she’s upset. If you just want to say that you think she’s wrong, knock yourself out.

[quote PrimroseBed]@DrSbaitso Again, you’ve put your own views in here (“minor and morally neutral”). Sound like OP’s partner doesn’t share your views.

The fact is, OP gets to choose what to do with her face, the partner gets to choose whether to stay with her. Given the partner’s strength of feeling, it sounds as if that won’t be an easy choice. That’s why she’s upset. If you just want to say that you think she’s wrong, knock yourself out.[/quote]
Oh, well thank you ever so much.

Ok, I think she's wrong, and I think it's clear that she and many others on here put a moral value that doesn't exist on it (in at least some cases, because they want to do it themselves), and I think crying at your partner over it is manipulative. And I think she can't love OP that much if she would actually reconsider the relationship over the skin equivalent of a balayage. Half a balayage, really. Most people don't do Botox more often than once a year and the procedure takes about 90 seconds.

Personally I think OP should just go and do it on the quiet. Partner won't even notice.

@AnotherSillawithanS

To be honest with you op some women that have had Botox, lip fillers etc look absolutely hideous and men piss themselves laughing at them. Not just men of course.

That said, you do what you want.

If I based my personal choices on what dickhead men think, I wouldn't get much done. Why on earth are you trying to scare people with this?

@Gonnagetgoing

Women with Botox unless you look at their expressions no not generally

Expression is exactly what you're looking at when you're talking to someone. That's why it's noticeable and somewhat eerie.

@AnotherSillawithanS

To be honest with you op some women that have had Botox, lip fillers etc look absolutely hideous and men piss themselves laughing at them. Not just men of course.

That said, you do what you want.

The horror!! How would I ever cope with men laughing at me 😩 Have you heard yourself?! Get a grip.

Her reaction is a bit OTT but I must admit I'm not into the fake look either.
To my eye most cosmetic procedures are obvious and many start off with the odd tweak before it becomes all consuming and while striving to get the "the look" any natural beauty and contours are lost.
Look at the many celebrities who have opted for botox and fillers and now just look a bit ridiculous.
Subtlety is really key.

Where do you draw the line OP?
If you have botox I'll leave.
If you dye your hair I'll leave.
If you go on a diet I'll leave.

Let her leave.

@saleorbouy

Her reaction is a bit OTT but I must admit I'm not into the fake look either. To my eye most cosmetic procedures are obvious and many start off with the odd tweak before it becomes all consuming and while striving to get the "the look" any natural beauty and contours are lost. Look at the many celebrities who have opted for botox and fillers and now just look a bit ridiculous. Subtlety is really key.

Botox, fillers etc do not have to look fake and most don’t. You just have a very narrow view of them based on certain celebrities

It's your choice what you do with your body.

It's your partner's choice whether she leaves because of what you do.

Are you sure you both are compatible?

@LuckySantangelo35

TatianaBis Who cares if you have a problem with it?! 🤣 I don’t think any woman would really care whether you have noticed it or not. I mean, so what if the changes are noticeable? OP wants it for herself, it is really is irreverent whether you or her partner or anyone else has a problem with it

It's not my problem, I'm not the one walking round looking like a startled fish. It's no skin off my nose.

Personally I base it on all the women I know at the gym and at school who think no one can tell

Occasionally one of them will confide in me that they've had botox or fillers and I always act shocked and say I couldn't telL

If only occasionally they confide in you how do you know the vast majority of them think no one can tell are you psychic?

Botox is actually used in all kinds of ways. For example, it can be used to treat excessive sweating and has been found to be very effective for tremor due to Parkinsons.

@AnotherSillawithanS

To be honest with you op some women that have had Botox, lip fillers etc look absolutely hideous and men piss themselves laughing at them. Not just men of course.

That said, you do what you want.

Exactly - some women. The same way some women get unflattering haircuts, wear unflattering clothes, use unflattering makeup techniques, etc. None of this means Botox (like hair, clothes or makeup) is therefore in itself bad.

OP, the point is, do what you want with your body! People judge people who get Botox, and other people judge people who “let themselves go”. You can’t please everyone so please yourself.

Most of us don't look anything like celebrities, with or without Botox. And if you think Botox is the only thing famous women use, you're just showing, again, how very little you know about it.

I put off having it for ages because I was so sure, despite having no experience, that I would inevitably look like Pete Burns and, of course, that it would make me a Morally Bad Person. All bollocks. Nobody noticed and I may be headed for hell, but it won't be because of this.

Done by a plastic surgeon, no one should be able to tell as such. You should just look "fresh"

In reality though most people don't have it done by plastic surgeons, they have it done at beauty clinics and don't know when to stop. One of my friends started off with "a bit of Botox to freshen up" and has moved on to a trout pout and cheek fillers.

I think its unfair to hold women who have procedures responsible for perpetuating ideas about women's appearance. Physical attractiveness will always be highly prized, and this will not be changed by women opting not to enhance their appearance. If everyone was completely natural, the naturally beautiful women would still be held up as a standard to aspire to, just as they were before procedures were available. Yes, it's a great pity women's appearance matters so much in our society, and if you want to distance yourself from that by not enhancing your own, fair enough. But it won't stop female beauty being prized or women being judged on their appearance, even if we all did it.

@hellcatspangle

Done by a plastic surgeon, no one should be able to tell as such. You should just look "fresh"

In reality though most people don't have it done by plastic surgeons, they have it done at beauty clinics and don't know when to stop. One of my friends started off with "a bit of Botox to freshen up" and has moved on to a trout pout and cheek fillers.

Ok, so maybe the fillers don't look good, I haven't seem them so I don't know. Sounds like the Botox wasn't a problem.

I don't have it done by a plastic surgeon. He's a former GP. Occasionally if he's not available, a nurse does it. They all do each others' as well. None of them look stretched or frozen or trouty. They look like perfectly normal people without heavy lines.