Partner unhappy with botox & more

[Noname91]

Hi there
So my partner of 1.5 years reacted quite badly to me saying I may want botox and my teeth to be whitened. I'm in my 30s. I'm not super self conscious it's just something I want. I come from a long line of wrinkly foreheads.
I am financially independent- I have a decent job.
Background..
When I mentioned that my sister and I had discussed getting Botox to our foreheads, and foreheads only, she said she doesn’t want to be with someone who has Botox or anything to do with altering the way I look - inc Invisalign and whitening of teeth. She cried a lot and said she’s only attracted to people who aren’t self conscious about their looks.
W regards to the whitening that was the whole 'it's a chemical and I don't believe in it'.
I guess it's nice that my partner likes how I look naturally - I'd be upset if they wanted me/ told me to get it done but I do think Christ it's my body and also how can someone who Loves me threaten you leave me if I get it done.
I don't know what to think or feel.
I am confused by this reaction.

Anyone been through something similar/ have some advice?
Are there other treatments out there that don't include botox? Thanks x

The enhancements all look a tad fake, you can tell.
I wouldn't date a woman with botox, super white teeth, fake lashes, tattoos, or breast enhancements.
Not my bag, au natural only.

However, if you feel you need to, do it.

And i say all that from a place of never having had botox, or wanting to

It's good that she loves you as you are, but she needs to understand that it your choice to have relatively minor 'tweaks' done.
What if you wanted to cut off your hair, or wear a bright lipstick, would she object to that? How would you feel if she told you what to wear?
I think you need to have a calm conversation and talk it through. She might be feeling insecure and that you want to 'improve yourself to get a better partner' or words to that effect.

@StrawberrySquash

There's a political stance to be taken on Botox and fillers. And it can be linked to the values people hold. I can accept that they make individuals feel happier about things they may always have been conscious of. But you can't divorce this from the messages that we all as a society send about what matters in a person and how a woman 'should' look.

Yes, it's my body and my choice, but we can't pretend those choices aren't influenced by society and that our choices don't have an impact back on society.

So I don't think it's as simple as your partner is controlling.

Agreed.

Its fine for her to have an opinion but its not actually up to her. Why the hell was she crying?

My partner doesnt like the idea of botox so i just dont tell them. Same for most people i knpw that get it done.

I think getting botox is a bit vain/shallow, however I’d much prefer a partner that was a bit vain than one so completely pathetic as to cry at the thought of me getting Botox.

She cried a lot and said she’s only attracted to people who aren’t self conscious about their looks.

She's already attracted to you. Is she now going to stop because she's decided you're "insecure about your looks".

This sort of thing might stop an initial attraction but for an established relationship, the above is just really immature.

just get it done and don't tell her. i have had botox since my 30th and teeth recently done. wish I'd done them earlier.
there's a huge difference between botox and overdone fillers and also invisalign compared to horse teeth veneers. you'll look a fresher version of yourself. that's all.

Would she take issue with you using whitening toothpaste?

Would she cry if you went for a dramatically different hair style?

What about the chemicals in hair colour - are you "allowed" to get highlights done?

What about tattoos? Or are they on the forbidden list?

Whether or not you think Botox is a good idea or not (I don't) the decision here is yours and yours alone, because it's your body. What does she seriously expect you to do - ask her permission? Where does it stop? The clothes you wear? The medicines you take? The hobbies you enjoy? Your friend choices?

It’s true that if people start in their 30s it’s not so noticeable - but by their 50s it’s obvious, they start to need more, and that’s when it starts to look really offputting

This is bollocks. You need less not more as you get older

@PleasantBirthday

None of her business, unless you're asking her to pay. Your money, your teeth, your face. Why are you even discussing this with her?

Really?

This is so typical of the completely faux "individualist" attitude on here. Not in a million years would anyone genuinely take a decision like this with absolutely no heed for what a partner might say or think.

We're members of society, partners in relationships, halves of pairs. I hate this trope on MN that casts us all as complete masters of our own lives and deeds.

As for the “it’s so obvious” trope I can tell you for sure my XH had no idea that I’d had Botox and thread lifts.

After 10 years of having this done I told him one day after a few drinks. He was so shocked he fell off the barstool

I would be very wary of someone who was so inclined to an over reaction about what you might want to do with your body.

I am married nearly 30 years and it simply wouldn't occur to me to discuss teeth whitening or botox with my husband.

Surgery like a face lift would be different, but routine cosmetic stuff? Definitely not.

I don't think her crying is manipulative. She was probably genuinely upset. Also her telling you she isn't attracted to people who are self-conscious about their looks might also just be true. She likes people to age naturally. Telling you that you may lose her if you go through with this isn't manipulative if it's true, she is just telling you how it will be and then it's up to you to decide whether you want to still get it done. Quite simple. It's your choice, she is just telling you that as it's a relationship it will effect her desire. I really don't think that's abnormal. Also, it does sound like you are self-conscious about the forehead and the teeth, otherwise why would you want to do anything to them?

It's your choice, but it's not unreasonable for her to tell you that it will change the relationship.

I find really muscly men unattractive, so if my partner announced he was thinking of body-building, I would of course tell him he is free to do so but I would find him less attractive. That is then a risk he can take knowingly, whether the relationship or body-building is more important to him.

OR -- she is worried that if you become more stereotypically attractive, you will find someone more attractive than her to be with and she will lose you. She likes you as you are and feels if you make yourself "better" you will be too good for her.

Either are possible.

@StrawberrySquash

There's a political stance to be taken on Botox and fillers. And it can be linked to the values people hold. I can accept that they make individuals feel happier about things they may always have been conscious of. But you can't divorce this from the messages that we all as a society send about what matters in a person and how a woman 'should' look.

Yes, it's my body and my choice, but we can't pretend those choices aren't influenced by society and that our choices don't have an impact back on society.

So I don't think it's as simple as your partner is controlling.

Agree with this.

I don't necessarily judge people who get Botox, though it's no coincidence that I've surrounded myself by friends who wouldn't dream of it.

Crying a lot seems like an overreaction, but I'd find it difficult to be in a relationship with someone who couldn't accept natural signs of aging or who chose to spend that much money on something so superficial. It's a question of what your values and priorities are.

but routine cosmetic stuff?

See, it might be this. Some people see things like teeth whitening and botox as normal or routine cosmetic stuff... Some people find it abnormal in their world. I know only one woman in my family who has had Botox or whitening. None of my friends have, or if they have then they haven't admitted to it. It's not something I would consider routine or common among my circle. This could be why she's overreacting also.

Your partner doesn’t like Botox or teeth whitening?

Well, best THEY don’t get Botox or teeth whitened then isn’t it.

You can do whatever you please with your face and your body.
A bit of Botox and some cosmetic dentistry does not make you vain or superficial or any of the other bullshit that insecure people like to project in these conversations.

Who made the decision that cutting or staying our hair and buying a nice outfit which makes us feel good is acceptable but using fully trialled, approved, safe procedures to soften or disguise wrinkles makes you a self absorbed moron? Such a load of shite.

She may not like Botox but she doesn’t have to have it.

She wouldn’t even notice anyway I can guarantee it. You don’t have one round of Botox and walk out like Pete Burns.

She’s your partner not your gatekeeper, she’s perfectly entitled to have a preference but crying over a hypothetical discussion is concerning. Sounds highly emotional or manipulative. I’m sure you know which one it is.

This is so typical of the completely faux "individualist" attitude on here. Not in a million years would anyone genuinely take a decision like this with absolutely no heed for what a partner might say or think.

Can 100% confirm that I do not defer to my other half about what I do to my face, hair or teeth.
I might say “going to get my hair done at the weekend” but it would be from the perspective of telling him in conversation- not as an invitation to comment…

I would find it weird to feel like these things must be discussed with our partners?

If I was gonna get a full face tattoo I might mention it, but a bit of Botox in my 11s? No, why would I? What possible difference could it make to him?

She wouldn’t even notice anyway I can guarantee it. You don’t have one round of Botox and walk out like Pete Burns.

No one ever has 'just one round'. It looks bad in your 30s - by the time you're in your 60s it looks pretty horrendous.

Faux what now?

Op talked to her partner about it.

I want to have this. It'll really help my confidence.

By 'take heed' do you mean 'not proceed to have a minor procedure carried out on my body that I feel will really help me psychologically without my partner's consent?'

If I had something about myself that made me feel like shit and there was a small cosmetic procedure that I felt would help it and therefore make me feel better would I not have it done because my partner's views on 'being natural' were more important than how I felt about myself?

Would I fuck.

And I wouldn't be happy in a relationship where a partner tried to take control of those decisions from me and would prefer me less happy than I felt I could be.

@OnlyAFleshWound

She wouldn’t even notice anyway I can guarantee it. You don’t have one round of Botox and walk out like Pete Burns.

No one ever has 'just one round'. It looks bad in your 30s - by the time you're in your 60s it looks pretty horrendous.

Lol at this for a sweeping statement. It can look 'horrendous' as can anything, including zero interventions. Or it can look amazing - as can anything including zero interventions.

Just get it done without telling her Botox anyway my partner's never noticed I can raise my eyebrows it just smooths out the forehead wrinkles .

@OnlyAFleshWound

She wouldn’t even notice anyway I can guarantee it. You don’t have one round of Botox and walk out like Pete Burns.

No one ever has 'just one round'. It looks bad in your 30s - by the time you're in your 60s it looks pretty horrendous.

Pete burns had lots and lots of filler there's a difference

@OnlyAFleshWound

She wouldn’t even notice anyway I can guarantee it. You don’t have one round of Botox and walk out like Pete Burns.

No one ever has 'just one round'. It looks bad in your 30s - by the time you're in your 60s it looks pretty horrendous.

It's temporary and if you don't like it, you can stop doing it (although the lines never come back as deep as they were before). You have to work pretty hard at getting the "spoon with hair" look, and Pete Burns quite clearly had a lot more, much more serious and invasive stuff done...and got the results he was after.

@HunterHearstHelmsley

I've had Botox for droopy eyes which also covers the crow feet area several times without any problems. The last time (same clinic, same doctor, same product) I got a massive black eye. Only on one side, the other side wasn't a problem so I think it was just bad luck. I'm going again next week and I'll mention it to her and hope it doesn't happen again. Obviously if it does I will have to learn to live with droopy eyes. Hopefully it was just a one-off for you too.