MIL issues

[Intoyourarms]

Hi guys, this is more of a rant than question but any all advice will be much appreciated!

Throughout my pregnancy my MIL has done a few things to make me uncomfortable, overwhelmed and at times angry. In the beginning she would bug us about when she could tell people and then when she was finally able to, I found out she was telling people she was so excited to raise her grandchild. We announced on social media the news and on the same day posted an announcement about them becoming grandparents and basically took the spotlight for herself if she was there when we told people in person by declaring multiple times “I’m going to be a grandmother!” She constantly refers to the baby as HER baby and she’s even set up a nursery complete with cot, change table, pram, nursing chair, bouncer and chest of drawers at their house BEFORE we had set our own up. I told her that I didn’t want a theme for the nursery for various reasons but because she insisted on making things like blankets, sheets, play mats etc she has chosen a theme. She then got offended when I told her I wouldn’t be using the cot bumpers and quilt she had made as they can be dangerous. When my father in law was organising his annual leave for the Christmas break she got annoyed at him because now he won’t have any to take time off when the baby comes. I mean seriously, why does he need to take time off? She doesn’t work at all so I feel like she’s going to want to be over ALL the time.

I’ve started talking to my partner about us setting some boundaries for when baby arrives, just things like if we tell them I’m in labour they are not to contact us, if we need anything we will ask, they are not to tell anyone else that I’m in labour or when the baby is born, I don’t really want visitors the day we get home and when people want to come over, they need to either call or message first. Now these boundaries are for his family AND my family but he just takes offence to it and thinks I’m not being fair to his family. The difference is, this will be the 4th grandchild in my family so it’s not as big of deal for them whereas for his it will be the first. We also come from different backgrounds so each families expectations are different. I just want him to understand that I’m not doing it to hurt/be mean to his family but I will also be recovering from child birth so will need time to rest/heal/connect with our baby and I just don’t feel I can do that when people will be there all time, even if they are just trying to help. I just get the feeling his mum is going to want to be so involved and it’s really stressing me out!

I find these type of posts really controlling, I’m sorry. Why can’t she have a nursery at her house? If she doesn’t use it as you don’t want her to babysit, that’s her problem; but why not let her do it? Why can’t she have a theme? Why can’t she be excited? Her excitement and happiness over being a grandmother isn’t a competition with your happiness over being a mother. Happiness isn’t finite - it can be experienced by everyone and shared. She IS going to be a grandmother. She is excited! I don’t understand the problem!

It’s really sweet she wants your FIL to have time off. Why can’t they know when you’re in labour?

I’m sorry I just don’t understand this sort of thing. I understand if she criticised your actual parenting or is difficult about your method of feeding etc, but I really can’t see an issue with her being excited over her first grandchild.

Also re the quilt - no you can’t use it when they are little but throw her a bone and explain you’ll use when baby is older! A handmade quilt is a beautiful thing, generally.

First of all, she may not need to know when you go into labour so if possible I would avoid telling her. My mil wanted to be in the hospital while I was in labour to 'support her son'. I said he would be in the room supporting me so wouldn't have time to go down 7 flights of stairs to get 'support' from her in the canteen.

You won't know how you feel after the birth as you don't know how the birth will go, but it's reasonable to set boundaries now.

My mother in law bought a cot without asking us. I had fixed ideas about what cot I wanted and this cot was far from that so she kept it for her house. They did have a lot of things for baby which made visits and babysitting easier ie high chair, cot, potty etc.

Try not to look at the negatives and see the positives in an excited grandmother and look forward to the babysitting when you are ready to leave baby - mine was 9 months before he had a sleep over at grannys and even then we were sleeping over too as going to a wedding local to them 😂

Why can’t she have a nursery at her house?

For me it's just overstepping the mark. Yes the gran can have a nursery at her house, but is it not a normal thing to have set up without discussion with the parents, and like the OP worries, it implies the baby will be over there often.

OP, that sounds difficult, make sure your DH is onside!

@Giraffesandbottoms really, it's controlling to be upset and want boundaries when someone is saying they are going to raise their grandchild?

OP stick to your guns, establish boundaries early or MIL will run your life for you. It will be OK for your OP, he will presumably be at work when his mother is around your home all day every day and he won't have to deal with her. Make sure she doesn't have a key to your house or she will let herself in (been there!)

Also, be aware that some grandparents find the transition from parent to grandparent difficult. No, she doesn't need to have a full nursery set up at her home, because she isn't the parent! If you don't like the items she has brought / made / given you, just give them back. She clearly doesn't care about your feelings so why are you bothered about hers? This may sound harsh to some, but having been through all of this myself, you really need to be strong!

Good luck xx

I would let her do whatever she wants to do at her own house for whenever you stay over & you can't really tell her what to buy at her own house ( health and safety aside ) - she may have underestimated in the early time you might have him in a moses basket / travel cot where you are sleeping & not in super duperly decorated nursery

I do think ( & this was 25 odd years ago ) it was not the norm for people to say they needed time for bonding etc or appointments booked by relatives - But depending on how you feel - maybe nice for them to call rather than just pitching up - My PILs didn't - we got over it - they were excited.

If you don't want them to contact you when you are in labour - just don't tell them or put it on social media - what is the saying - 2 people can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

Oh OP I had a similar MIL and you are 100% right to set boundaries now. If she is putting pressure on you and your husband is not protecting you from that then I wouldn't hesitate to very diplomatically tell her straight! I tried to do this by telling my MIL how excited I was that she was excited and how grateful I as that she wanted to be so involved but also that I needed time to adjust and time with my husband and baby alone

Giraffes I really disagree with you and guess you've never had to deal with a manipulative and over stepping MIL taking advantage when you are vulnerable and putting undue pressure on. The controlling part is that MIL is trying to take over- she's had her time and her own babies and should let OP be the centre of this for once!! My own MIL made me quite unwell when DS1 was born and really came between me and her son- we almost split up. It look a lot for us to get back on track and set boundaries

@Crazycatlady83

It’s controlling to tell someone what they can and can’t have in their own house. Putting appropriate boundaries in place
Would be when the baby is here, OP deciding whether or not she wants her own baby to use the stuff in the nursery! She probably won’t, but she can’t stop someone buying furniture for their own house

@takeasadsongandmakeitbetter

You are wrong. my MIL was so controlling she ended up not even attending our wedding as things weren’t going her way. I know all about it. But I think that it’s also important to let people express themselves/ask what harm it’s actually doing.

What harm is it doing OP if MIL owns a changing table? That doesn’t mean the baby has to stay there - and maybe OP will want the baby to at some point anyway. I don’t really get the issue with the grandmother making it about her to her own friends. That’s normal? She’s seeing it from her point of view and sharing it with her friends.

I think you’re both being a little full on, she is waaay overexcited but try not to let it bother you much, and I think you are also working yourself up about things that haven’t happened yet and taking offence where you should (ie, it’s fine for her to be excited even if it is a bit irritating).

With the nursery stuff, take what you want and leave her with the rest “in case baby needs a sleep there” even though you wouldn’t leave the baby there, she doesn’t need to know that now so why bother with the argument.

When the baby comes, sure, only have visitors when you want them but that’s way down the track.

@Giraffesandbottoms my issue with the nursery is that it’s unnecessary as she won’t be looking after the baby full time like she thought she would be, which we explained to her early on so she has gone spent a lot of money on something that won’t really be used and my issue with the theme is that the theme will be in MY nursery at MY house even though I told her I didn’t want one. I said I was happy for her to make things as she makes really nice play mats, etc but I specifically asked if she could do them in different fabrics which she originally agreed to but then went back on that and said she really wanted to do them in the one fabric so they all matched. As for the her husband taking time off, I again just find it unnecessary. He wanted to take time off over Christmas like he usually does but she got annoyed him for it. As I said in the post, we come from different backgrounds so the way I picture the aftermath of MY birth is different to the way she pictures it. I get that she’s excited but it gets to a point where I feel so overwhelmed because it’s all she can talk about and she has to have her input in everything. I feel like you totally disregarded the fact that she assumes she will be raising MY child and that she calls MY child hers, these are two very big red flags for me that imply she going to interfere and not respect the way we parent

@Giraffesandbottoms - I agree - you can't tell someone what to buy for their own house. Whether it is used or not .....

My Pils turned up 3 hours uninvited after the birth but luckily after 2 days in hospital - long labour and a ECS I was so out of it I barely recognised them - I barely recognised my husband.

I do think there are times when you can just not say anything - so don't post it on social media - don't give people a blow by blow account & you can have the birth with just DH.

Also we went to PILs 8 weeks after DS was born & she had bought formula milk ( to give me a rest ) luckily DH was of one accord with me - it went in the bin. Next time was when I went back to work and Ds was going to go to nursery - she said - well FIL & I don't think it is the right answer - but we are only saying it because we love our grandson. I am not tall - but I rose to my (short) height ) and said do not tell me your son and I do not love this boy & this is the decision we have made. She backed off and to be fair - she was signed off for picking up DGS and she ended up thinking the nursery was lovely.

In the end they were the most lovely grandparents - because they just loved him & sometimes they tried to tell us what to do but normally a bit of give and take & choosing the hills etc works.

I can see why it would be frustrating particularly if oh is not in same page. With regard to her nursery/announcements leave her to it she can talk all she wants but ultimately it will be upto you how often they visit/baby goes to them. But try to bear in mind they are excited too include them but don't let them take over.

I think you are getting yourself worked up about things which have not happened and issues you can address at the time, which make more sense to address the time.

The nursery theme is silly. You can both have the same theme - your nursery at home will be the baby’s actual room he uses and this one wil probably be used for nappy changes and that’s it. You will look unreasonable if you draw a line in the sand over this. You will not br unreasonable to say no to things once the baby has arrived. The most important question is it your husband is on your site?

Thanks for everyone’s comments, I do know I am probably overreacting with some things and understand that I’m probably letting my hormones get the better of me with certain aspects. But I have been with my partner for 11 years and lived with his parents for 7 of those so I know my MIL pretty well and for the most part we get along really well. My partner and his brother were basically raised by her parents as she and FIL had to go back to work and she basically expects that that is what is going to happen with ours even though she has been told I am taking time off and when I do go back to work part time, baby will be going to daycare those days. She is very opinionated and not afraid of confrontation and I’m the complete opposite of that so my biggest fear is that she is going to just do what she wants regardless of what I say

@Giraffesandbottoms - I agree about the line in the sand thing - I was trying to get to the phrase a hill to die on - sometimes it just is not worth it.

I think a lot of posters have given sage advice to you here OP

@Giraffesandbottoms you didn’t read my post properly, I said I DIDN’t want a theme in my nursery but everything she has made for MY nursery is in a theme she has chosen. She hasn’t made anything for her nursery, she has bought it all so has no theme, I could care less if we had the same theme but I specifically asked if she could make my stuff in different fabrics which she agreed to but then went back on her word and made it out of the same pattern because she wanted it all to match. I appreciate her making me things but when you agree to something don’t completely disregard it just because you think it will look better. And I did say in the original post that he takes offence when I bring things up because he thinks I’m picking on his family but all of the boundaries I want to establish are for BOTH of our families. I just know my family will respect them because both of my sister who have had children have done the same but his family do things differently which is why I’m more worried about them not respecting our wishes

I could have written your post two years ago nearly word for word, so I know how you feel. Then when baby was here, MIL would walk in my house and immediately take the baby out of arms! And my DH and FIL etc couldn't see my issue with the things she did at first, because in their minds MIL was the one who "dealt with babies" in the family because obviously that was all they had ever experienced so far - first grandchild their side. But it might be interesting for you to know that two years down the line, we've used the high chair at their house twice and not a single other item they bought. My MIL is also actually not that bothered by my child now as the "glory" of being a grandmother on social media etc is over. So whilst the things she did during pregnancy were batshit, and I would be better at nipping them in the bud next time, I can at least look back and smirk at her ideas she would look after my baby full time from early days to "let me go back to work". My DC and I are very well bonded and it's very clear who their mum is, but they're now starting to get a relationship all of their own with their grandparents and it's nice to see. Your MIL sounds bonkers, but she's excited and it doesn't diminish your role as a mother. When baby is here trust me there will be no mistaking who it thinks it's mummy is!!

So firstly, don't tell her your in labour.
When going home, if you need to tell her, tell her you're going home but not ready for visitors yet.

Its nice she's got everything ready for her house atleast you'll know there's things there for baby to use. Shame if you don't want her baby sitting though

I think you are over reacting slightly. My mum went bonkers when I was pregnant with dd and bought loads of stuff. Most we didn't use. Dd didn't stay over until she was 18 months old.

She also made loads of blankets that weren't to my tastes. But I had 2 kids and as they got older they loved having things nana made for them. Mum is gone now. Those blankets are being made into keepsakes and the kids (18 and 10).

The whole social media thing....she didn't tale the spotlight. People can be excited and happy for you and her. If she did (i know she isnt) looking after them full time, they still know their mum. Kids who go to a childminder dont mistake the childminder for their parents.

I do think boundaries are important. However, I also think there's something that can be let go of. Families are hard and require compromise. Me and mum had words a few times, when I really felt it was important. The less important stuff, both me and the kids dad let it go.

Boundaries are good. But MN has a tenancy to recommend those boundaries are used to 'put people in their place' and used as, almost, like a weapon to get control. Sometimes it's like no one ever heard of 'don't swear the small stuff'.

She isn't taking anything away from you, by being excited and buying shit she doesn't need. Or making stuff you don't really like.

Ok I am sorry I didn’t understand the post properly - in my defence I have been awake since 4am as my baby won’t sleep. So I’m a bit sleep deprived.

I agree with a PP - just don’t use the stuff and explain to her it wasn’t in the pattern you wanted. That’s it. The easiest way to deal with these things is to address each small issue separately, rather than let everything snowball into one / because that way you will end up freaking out and looking crazy and your husband won’t take your side.

The main thing is to stand firm on the individual items important to you. Eg not using the blankets (if you actually don’t like them. If you like them but are just being stroppy because she didn’t listen to you then that’s silly).

My personal experience with in law issues is that often what happens is a lot of cutting off noses on both sides in some sort of odd power struggle and if you refuse to play you will save yourself much aggro.

It sounds like you need to get your husband on your side a bit more than he is; you’re his immediate family now so he needs to support you

Mil does seem tricky to me but you need to let some of it go; ignore her and carry on with what you’re going to do

Whatever you decide to do that's your choice but remember you might be a0 mil one day. I think both of you need to tone down the need to control the situation.