MIL issues

[Intoyourarms]

Hi guys, this is more of a rant than question but any all advice will be much appreciated!

Throughout my pregnancy my MIL has done a few things to make me uncomfortable, overwhelmed and at times angry. In the beginning she would bug us about when she could tell people and then when she was finally able to, I found out she was telling people she was so excited to raise her grandchild. We announced on social media the news and on the same day posted an announcement about them becoming grandparents and basically took the spotlight for herself if she was there when we told people in person by declaring multiple times “I’m going to be a grandmother!” She constantly refers to the baby as HER baby and she’s even set up a nursery complete with cot, change table, pram, nursing chair, bouncer and chest of drawers at their house BEFORE we had set our own up. I told her that I didn’t want a theme for the nursery for various reasons but because she insisted on making things like blankets, sheets, play mats etc she has chosen a theme. She then got offended when I told her I wouldn’t be using the cot bumpers and quilt she had made as they can be dangerous. When my father in law was organising his annual leave for the Christmas break she got annoyed at him because now he won’t have any to take time off when the baby comes. I mean seriously, why does he need to take time off? She doesn’t work at all so I feel like she’s going to want to be over ALL the time.

I’ve started talking to my partner about us setting some boundaries for when baby arrives, just things like if we tell them I’m in labour they are not to contact us, if we need anything we will ask, they are not to tell anyone else that I’m in labour or when the baby is born, I don’t really want visitors the day we get home and when people want to come over, they need to either call or message first. Now these boundaries are for his family AND my family but he just takes offence to it and thinks I’m not being fair to his family. The difference is, this will be the 4th grandchild in my family so it’s not as big of deal for them whereas for his it will be the first. We also come from different backgrounds so each families expectations are different. I just want him to understand that I’m not doing it to hurt/be mean to his family but I will also be recovering from child birth so will need time to rest/heal/connect with our baby and I just don’t feel I can do that when people will be there all time, even if they are just trying to help. I just get the feeling his mum is going to want to be so involved and it’s really stressing me out!

You don't need to tell her (or anyone) when you are in labour. Why is this such a thing these days (unless you need childcare for other DC). When I had my baby, DH and I went to the hospital, had the baby and then DH telephoned his DM and I telephoned my DPs. No drama.

I am so sad I have 3 boys sometimes. I really really really hope I don’t get a daughter in law who wants to exclude me!

I wouldn’t even tell her the due date. (Didn’t with my mum, either…) Make it for a couple of weeks after the ACTUAL due date. Have a blanket rule with DH that NOBODY is called until after the baby is born. (*Side note: I would wait until then to announce the name you’ve chosen too. I bet she’s chosen one already and is going to be pushing hard for that one…)
Second, I think you should start establishing clear boundaries with her. Maybe give her some of the bits she’s made back to use at her house and let her know that you want to choose some things of your own.
Let her know that you want to have a chat about what to expect when the baby comes, and you want to ensure that everyone’s expectations are on the same page. You are thrilled that she is excited about the baby, but you want to make it VERY clear that she is going to have to accept that this you and DH are going to be calling the shots and that your family is going to be equally involved in this child’s life as she is.

This all sounds so mean, they sound so excited to have their first grandchild and you seem to be upset about it. I definitely agree you can have your own boundaries around visitors etc...but I don't understand why you're pushing away grandparents who are so excited to be involved.

I wish my in-laws were more involved, we never get breaks and the boys see them maybe twice a year. It might be annoying to you but you're giving up a lot if you push them away.

There is a big difference between excited and overbearing and those who think OP is mean have probably never had to deal with the overbearing

Yeah I'm sorry for gently, this seems like an overreaction on your part. The baby isn't even here yet!

I would address the 'my baby' comments with a laugh and something along the lines of "I hadn't realised you were Mum, does that mean I get to avoid childbirth" with a laugh.

Honestly, this won't matter by the time your DC is 1.

Good luck with it all!

Giraffes I really disagree with you and guess you've never had to deal with a manipulative and over stepping MIL taking advantage when you are vulnerable and putting undue pressure on. The controlling part is that MIL is trying to take over- she's had her time and her own babies and should let OP be the centre of this for once!!

This in spades. My first few weeks with my DD were marred by my interfering MIL. She invited herself every day and stayed for hours - to the extent of having to be told to leave in the evening. She completely used my vulnerability to her advantage. I was lucky to hold my own baby on the pretext of her 'helping' and giving me 'rest' that I didn't want or need. She grandiously announced that she wouldn't come one morning when I said my dad was visiting as though she were making a great sacrifice - then arrived the moment he left.

I'm a pretty relaxed person and ignored all the warning signs when was pregnant, tried to be kind and understanding that she was just excited about the baby. What happened when she arrived blindsided me.
At least you're aware it's happening, don't feel guilty for putting boundaries in place.

My MIL was similar. It was all bluster. After 2 days she became completely disinterested, 18 years later she huffs and puffs and considers anything to do with my children a huge effort. She still tells everyone what a wonderful grandmother is she, acts very jealous over the interaction my children have with my parents but doesn't put anything into her relationship with her grandchildren.
Make sure you get your DP onside, if he continues to be a problem let him know what the consequences might be.

I understand the annoyance at her ignoring the "no theme" but, as previous posters have said, just dont use it. When she asks why say it was too themed for your taste.

I don't think her having a nursery matters. If you dont want the baby to go there then it will be unused and if you do then it will save you lugging things round.

The "my baby" thing I think YABU. Just ignore it. Shes excited.

My MIL calls my DC "our babies" (even though they are teens). She has sometimes strayed from my preferences but means well and would do anything to help me and them. They feel loved by her and adore her. My DM goes 12 months without seeing them (despite living 5 minutes away and being retired) and couldnt care less about them. Count your blessings

Surely the themed stuff she has made can stay at her house?

When I went into labour with my first it never occurred to either of us to tell anyone until baby was born.

Honestly like many others here, I have been in a similar position. I had a great relationship with my MiL before the baby and then it became very strained with her over stepping boundaries (in my opinion at least). I understood she was just excited initially and that she would calm down again once baby had arrived. However she then seemed to get even more intense and was talking almost instantly about taking baby away on trips in the car on her own, having sleepovers etc. As a new mum, hearing anyone talking about taking baby away is stressful, unnecessary and over stepping no matter how excited they are.
She also came and stayed for 8 hours one visit when my son was not long home From the hospital. Nobody should need to be told this is too long. I began to put in firm boundaries at this point and began setting times for visits or going to her so we could leave when we wanted to. Again, I understand she was excited but I was also recovering from a c section and dealing with a newborn, I shouldn't have had to feel that I couldn't relax in my own home or have time with my baby when I wanted to. It was easier when DH went back to work in all honesty as I could set limits on visits etc without him getting involved or complaining. When we (hopefully)have baby number 2, I would absolutely be setting limits on visiting right from the start and absolutely no visits without forewarning. I don't understand why people do this to new mums, they're already trying to get everyone organised, settled into a new life and also recover themselves. A little notice or even chance to refuse is not unreasonable to expect.
If she is talking about MY baby (as my mil does too), just say 'oh no, he's definitely mummy's boy' and take him back- this reduced the amount of comments for me. Sounds like a little thing but honestly it grated on me too.
In terms of things you don't want, I just put them out the first couple of times she came round and then passed them on. The (sometimes) good thing with babies is that nothing lasts long and they are very messy so if things are not out when she comes, they can either be in the wash or baby has outgrown them....

Good luck and enjoy your new baby.

My MIL was similar. It was all bluster. After 2 days she became completely disinterested, 18 years later she huffs and puffs and considers anything to do with my children a huge effort. She still tells everyone what a wonderful grandmother is she, acts very jealous over the interaction my children have with my parents but doesn't put anything into her relationship with her grandchildren.

This was my experience too (although with my own parents, not my in-laws). From the moment I told them I was pregnant they overstepped boundaries - suggesting names, posting about me being in labour on Facebook, making ‘announcements’ about their new grandson - but they’ve never actually been interested in HIM, just the reflected attention on them.

I think you're stressing about things that haven't happened. What she keeps in her house, her discussions with her own husband about his AL and what she posts on her own Facebook page is not your business.

I think it's incredibly rude to tell somebody who buys/make things for your baby that you won't use them. Accept them and say thanks for the thought and effort that went into them. Whether you use them or not is your business. If your neighbour pops round with a present for the baby, will you tell them you won't use it if it's not to your taste?

Think of your own grandmother - if/when she died, would you treasure a blanket that she handmade for you when you were a baby? Why deprive your child of that?

I remember when I had my son my MIL came over every day, bringing with her a pot of stew or a cottage pie etc and when she came in she admired my baby then headed for the kitchen to get her marigolds on and start cleaning. She scrubbed, hoovered, dusted, ironed - every bit of housework - she did it all. For six weeks! As I gradually took over doing the jobs she'd stop doing them and offer to take baby out for a walk in his pram so I could shower, wash my hair and make myself feel good.

She was bloody brilliant!

What does your husband think about it all?

Whatever else you do, I would set a boundary about not telling them that you're in labour. It's your body and your medical procedure, so it's your choice who knows about it and when.

@FlipFlops4Me

What an epic MIL you have!!!!

It’s not controlling to have boundary’s when it comes to your child and your own mental health after birth @Giraffesandbottoms.

I can imagine how you feel. My MIL actually ignored me in pregnancy and acted as if the baby didn’t exist. Once my DD had been born she was all over her and our boundaries as a family. It was bizarre and nearly broke me and my DH up. I have been driven to the brink of sanity by sleep deprivation but I still have my guard up with MIL and she’s had barely any time alone with my children, so ignore the posters who say you’ll be grateful for the help later down the line. If you don’t feel safe and secure with someone then you won’t be leaving your young baby with them. It’s all because of damage she did to trust in the first year of my DD’s life and we’re now making steps to building it back up, but it’s been a long road.

@Staryflight445

That’s not the part I think is controlling. I think it’s controlling to dictate what people can and can’t have in their own house or give you as gifts.

I think it’s fine to set boundaries post birth, but I do sometimes wonder if people set them for the right reasons. Sometimes it’s better to see how you feel after the fact, anywya. Sometimes after birth you want to be alone, but sometimes you want to show off your baby and share the joy. It’s impossible to predict and there’s a lot of anxious pre-empting that seems to happen with daughter in laws. Mother in laws are mothers too! They will love a baby as much as a maternal grandmother would - I don’t think it’s kind to exclude them unduly, as so many seem to on here.

So you lived in HER house for 7 years but now you're having a baby (pfb) you don't even want her to know when you're in labour! You're being pathetic. Like a previous poster said, give it a few months of no sleep and a screaming baby and you'll be begging her to take baby for a while. I dread to think I might have a DIL like you one day

It’s completely tedious and tiresome dealing with your husbands/partners overbearing parents.

I’m due number 3 soon and have completely put my foot down with my husband this time and set clear boundary’s he must stick to when it concerns his parents.
The constant picking, never ending unwanted advice, overstepping and general overbearing ness ruins me when I’m emotionally vulnerable and I am absolutely not tolerating it again.

Op, if your husband doesn’t support you I’d get rid of him as well.

@MonicaGellerBing op has a point though, sounds like her mil will blab to everyone. Op is entitled to her privacy.

I’ve expressed my wishes to my husband this time (baby 3) that I don’t want him to call his mum and tell her the baby is here because I don’t want her to be the one to tell my current 2 children that baby has arrived and I know for a fact she wouldn’t contain it.
Same with photos, he won’t be sending any to his mum before the children have met baby.

Im not controlling, I just have boundary’s and know her well enough to know if we don’t do it this way the kids will know and will have seen baby before we’ve had chance to get home to them or see them.

@Giraffesandbottoms her mother in law is going around saying she’s excited to raise the baby, keeps calling it her baby and has bought a complete nursery for her own house.

Of course that’s going to make a lot of pregnant women anxious.
It’s very strange too.

I would start by correcting her by saying its OUR baby, DH is your baby.
I would try & avoid telling her you are going into labour. you need to tell DH, its your body that is pushing out his child, its a precious moment that you need quiet calm & support form him. you don't want MIL ( or your own mother) fussing, coming to take baby, or forcing herself on you, nor for her to start posting on SM that your child has arrived when even You haven't done so.
Its your personal INTIMATE moment to recover & bond.
If she forces herself on you you will not accept it.

my issue with the nursery is that it’s unnecessary as she won’t be looking after the baby full time like she thought she would be, which we explained to her early on so she has gone spent a lot of money on something that won’t really be used and my issue with the theme is that the theme will be in MY nursery at MY house even though I told her I didn’t want one.

I don’t really get the issue. She has made a nursery at her house that will not be used it seems, so that’s her problem at the end of the day. Why is what will really be her problem angering you?

She has made you things that are not what was asked/agreed. Just give them to a charity shop and tell her why if she asks. Problem solved, then your nursery in your home will be as you want it. It seems as though you are making a lot of issues for yourself that don’t have to be issues. Just drop the drama and chill.