MIL issues

[Intoyourarms]

Hi guys, this is more of a rant than question but any all advice will be much appreciated!

Throughout my pregnancy my MIL has done a few things to make me uncomfortable, overwhelmed and at times angry. In the beginning she would bug us about when she could tell people and then when she was finally able to, I found out she was telling people she was so excited to raise her grandchild. We announced on social media the news and on the same day posted an announcement about them becoming grandparents and basically took the spotlight for herself if she was there when we told people in person by declaring multiple times “I’m going to be a grandmother!” She constantly refers to the baby as HER baby and she’s even set up a nursery complete with cot, change table, pram, nursing chair, bouncer and chest of drawers at their house BEFORE we had set our own up. I told her that I didn’t want a theme for the nursery for various reasons but because she insisted on making things like blankets, sheets, play mats etc she has chosen a theme. She then got offended when I told her I wouldn’t be using the cot bumpers and quilt she had made as they can be dangerous. When my father in law was organising his annual leave for the Christmas break she got annoyed at him because now he won’t have any to take time off when the baby comes. I mean seriously, why does he need to take time off? She doesn’t work at all so I feel like she’s going to want to be over ALL the time.

I’ve started talking to my partner about us setting some boundaries for when baby arrives, just things like if we tell them I’m in labour they are not to contact us, if we need anything we will ask, they are not to tell anyone else that I’m in labour or when the baby is born, I don’t really want visitors the day we get home and when people want to come over, they need to either call or message first. Now these boundaries are for his family AND my family but he just takes offence to it and thinks I’m not being fair to his family. The difference is, this will be the 4th grandchild in my family so it’s not as big of deal for them whereas for his it will be the first. We also come from different backgrounds so each families expectations are different. I just want him to understand that I’m not doing it to hurt/be mean to his family but I will also be recovering from child birth so will need time to rest/heal/connect with our baby and I just don’t feel I can do that when people will be there all time, even if they are just trying to help. I just get the feeling his mum is going to want to be so involved and it’s really stressing me out!

@FlipFlops4Me

I remember when I had my son my MIL came over every day, bringing with her a pot of stew or a cottage pie etc and when she came in she admired my baby then headed for the kitchen to get her marigolds on and start cleaning. She scrubbed, hoovered, dusted, ironed - every bit of housework - she did it all. For six weeks! As I gradually took over doing the jobs she'd stop doing them and offer to take baby out for a walk in his pram so I could shower, wash my hair and make myself feel good.

She was bloody brilliant!

This is 100% how it should be done. I bet it's paid dividends for your MiL, because she showed you kindness and respect as the baby's mother. She showed she cared about you, and wanted to genuinely make your life easier in the early days.

All those worrying about being pushed out by DiLs in the future, follow the example above, put the new mum's, and by extension baby's, needs ahead of your own wants and I'm sure you'll all be fine. Follow the MiL in the OP's example and maybe not so much.

I would assume she has different social media friends than you OP so why is it a big deal that she puts an announcement up. I see people doing this all the time once their kids have announced. They are announcing that they are going to be grandparents not that you are going to be a parent.

I also agree she can put whatever she damn well likes in her own house. It just might not get used much if you decide not to have babysitters. She might have further grandchildren or grandchildren of her friends down the line who will make use of it so it’s not to say it’s all for your child.

If you don’t want her contacting you in labour then just don’t tell anyone you are in labour! Not hard.

@MonicaGellerBing

So you lived in HER house for 7 years but now you're having a baby (pfb) you don't even want her to know when you're in labour! You're being pathetic. Like a previous poster said, give it a few months of no sleep and a screaming baby and you'll be begging her to take baby for a while. I dread to think I might have a DIL like you one day

Perhaps OP knows her MiL and knows she'll be constantly badgering for updates or turning up at the hospital. Why should a woman going through labour need that level of disruption? I'm sure if her MiL was the type to say 'okay, good luck, let me know when baby's here' OP would have no problem her knowing.

Also OP isn't talking about cutting her MiL out or stopping her from having a relationship she simply wants a few boundaries in place, what is wrong with that?

Only on MN have I ever heard about such batshit MILs and mothers when a grandchild appears on the scene. I'm a granny and so are many of my friends and we're all quite normal. OP it's your baby, draw some boundaries, don't be bullied by her into sharing your child.

her mother in law is going around saying she’s excited to raise the baby, keeps calling it her baby and has bought a complete nursery for her own house

I am sure that no one actually believes she is going to raise the baby FGS, she is just excited! Same with saying “my baby”. I’ve heard plenty of grandmothers say that. My MIL looks so young she is often mistaken for the mother and doesn’t correct it. Who cares?! The main thing is that she doesn’t actually take the baby off OP when the time comes if OP doesn’t want her to. That’s what actually matters, not the syntax of the thing.

Same with the PP saying “MIL will blab the news”. Do you mean share with her friends her exciting news that she’s a grandmother?

What is wrong with people on here?! Why do people try to gather up happiness like they they are Smaug and happiness is gold?!

Some of it you are being entitled precious about such as announcing they are going to be grandparents after you had done your announcement and setting up a nursery. Don't sweat the small stuff and if you see her as an ally rather than a problem your life will be much more east.

What you do need to do between now and the baby's birth is stick to your guns and find your backbone. It's difficult if being assertive doesn't come naturally to you but this is your baby and you won't get that precious time back. If you don't want visitors straight away, say so, make it abundantly clear that you need a few days or a week, whatever it may be to yourselves. You are going to have to be consistent, be clear and firm each and every time she tries to overstep your boundaries because she will. The only real way this will work is if your partner is on the same page and is not lax. If he isn't in reality it won't work and she will trample all over you. Speak with him first and make sure you are both singing from the same hymn sheet. Best of luck op.

@ILoveYou3000

I want to agree but I guarantee there are posters on here who would be “horrified” at their MIL “daring” to “go through their cupboards” and feel insulted their MIL thought their house needed a clean etc.

[quote Intoyourarms]@Giraffesandbottoms you didn’t read my post properly, I said I DIDN’t want a theme in my nursery but everything she has made for MY nursery is in a theme she has chosen. She hasn’t made anything for her nursery, she has bought it all so has no theme, I could care less if we had the same theme but I specifically asked if she could make my stuff in different fabrics which she agreed to but then went back on her word and made it out of the same pattern because she wanted it all to match. I appreciate her making me things but when you agree to something don’t completely disregard it just because you think it will look better. And I did say in the original post that he takes offence when I bring things up because he thinks I’m picking on his family but all of the boundaries I want to establish are for BOTH of our families. I just know my family will respect them because both of my sister who have had children have done the same but his family do things differently which is why I’m more worried about them not respecting our wishes[/quote]
It is a bit different if one family are having their 4th GC and the other is having their first. One thing I thought was lovely when I was expecting my 3rd baby which was my husband's first child and his mother's first GC was my mother said, "Let her see the baby first, I know it means alot to her and I've done it 4 times." As it happened they both came at the same time but again my mother wanted her to have the first cuddle with the baby. Being a bit generous and thoughtful is nice. It set a good tone and there was never any GP competition between them.

Let her do whatever she wants in her house - but do what you want in yours.
And whatever you do DON'T tell her when you go into labour. She will be hounding her son for constant updates and it takes hours, he will be torn and more focused on her than you. Just get him to call her when the baby is born! A nice surprise! :)

I went through this 2 years ago and it brought on some serious PND. You need to get your partner on side, otherwise you dont stand a chance. Unless, of course you have the courage to speak up - which is what I wish I did. Because it only gets worse!

@Giraffesandbottoms

I am so sad I have 3 boys sometimes. I really really really hope I don’t get a daughter in law who wants to exclude me!

I get on fine with all my DsIL, one of the other GMs was very competitive and couldn't bear me seeing the first GC when he was a baby and if she found out I was visiting (I lived 200 miles away) she would arrive and refuse to move until I did. My DIL would roll her eyes and on one occasion she suggested to me that maybe I should go for an hour and pop back later. She got her mother off while I was away and I had a nice afternoon with her and baby.

So it is possible to have good relationships.

As a one off for any of those comments yeah you’re right @Giraffesandbottoms but all together op is right to be anxious about overstepping and parental respect.

‘Same with the PP saying “MIL will blab the news”. Do you mean share with her friends her exciting news that she’s a grandmother? ‘

Because it’s news to be shared when the parents are ready and any grandparent who doesn’t respect this really needs to back off.

I recall a friends mother in law tagging them on Facebook when baby had arrived with a photo of the baby.
I actually felt sorry for the mum because from the comments I saw on the post she’d not had chance to speak with her own mum before her mil had put it all over Facebook.

Some grandparents are unfortunately extremely selfish.

I am a mum of boys and I will be having open conversations in future with my daughter in laws ( if my sons are interested in women) and make damn sure I don’t overstep and to make sure she feels comfortable to ever tell me if I’m being too much too.

I think the nursery thing is hard. It puts pressure on you to address issues with her that you feel you shouldn't have to right now, like why you don't plan on leaving your baby overnight with her or why you might be having your baby in the room with you when you stay instead.
Try and remember that she is coming from a good place. Be kind, but also realise that as issues arise just explain why you are making the choices you have. Act oblivious to her expectation " oh sorry, I can't use that because....... " Rather than having a big, overall discussion about it.

@Staryflight445

‘Same with the PP saying “MIL will blab the news”. Do you mean share with her friends her exciting news that she’s a grandmother? ‘

Because it’s news to be shared when the parents are ready and any grandparent who doesn’t respect this really needs to back off.

I recall a friends mother in law tagging them on Facebook when baby had arrived with a photo of the baby.
I actually felt sorry for the mum because from the comments I saw on the post she’d not had chance to speak with her own mum before her mil had put it all over Facebook.

Some grandparents are unfortunately extremely selfish.

I am a mum of boys and I will be having open conversations in future with my daughter in laws ( if my sons are interested in women) and make damn sure I don’t overstep and to make sure she feels comfortable to ever tell me if I’m being too much too.

Didn't the OP say the GM had waited until the parents were ready to share the news and had shared the news.

I'd ignore her making a nursery in her house. I do understand that you feel she's trying to make the baby "hers" but the baby is not hers and if she wants to waste her time and money that's up to her. I too would feel annoyed at her saying "her" baby however.

As for her wanting to come over as soon as you leave hospital and you feeling that she will want to be over all the time - I had this problem too and my mistake was that I did not set boundaries early enough and ended up having a huge falling out with my MIL when my DD was a few months old. Seriously make sure you put boundaries in place as early as possible.

I was referring to labour and after birth @ancientgran

[quote Giraffesandbottoms]@Crazycatlady83

It’s controlling to tell someone what they can and can’t have in their own house. Putting appropriate boundaries in place
Would be when the baby is here, OP deciding whether or not she wants her own baby to use the stuff in the nursery! She probably won’t, but she can’t stop someone buying furniture for their own house[/quote]
When it comes to cot bumpers, the OP is quite right. They're dangerous.

Put in a less controlling way, in OP's shoes my MiL could have had all the cot bumpers she liked within the confines of her own home but there is no way any baby of mine would be sleeping in said cot.

This isn't 'controlling', it's safeguarding. In OP's position I would also be seriously concerned.

Husband's attitude is also a problem. I've been in those shoes too. I told mine that if he didn't deal with her (he'd had a decade to do so) then I would, and that nobody would like what I had to say. Entirely his decision.

He didn't. So I did. The results were predictable (the woman blamed for everything), but given that's usually the case anyway I lost nothing, with the exception of a whole lot of angst.

OP, YANBU.

Hit send too soon on PP. Re. 'announcing' everything, I don't understand the need for this. When I have news, I tell people (face to face or on the phone). Good news soon filters through to anyone who needs to know. This isn't an issue to my mind, as I've never been one of the 'stealing my thunder' variety and don't understand those who are. But riding roughshod over other boundaries, particularly relating to the woman being in labour (we told no one) are not acceptable.

I recall a friends mother in law tagging them on Facebook when baby had arrived with a photo of the baby.
I actually felt sorry for the mum because from the comments I saw on the post she’d not had chance to speak with her own mum before her mil had put it all over Facebook.

See I think this is a failing on the dads part. Both times when DP's informed his parents he made sure mine were informed too.

It is frustrating when someone else announces the birth (and posting a picture is crap) but it's not world-ending. I don't know why it's something people choose to keep a secret for days or weeks unless baby or mom are unwell and nobody's sure which way things are going to go.

I think that the problem here is that escalation begets escalation and things that might just be niggling get wrapped up with the big stuff that needs addressing. OP you want to feel that you are in control and that's absolutely reasonable. Your partner doesn't seem to get it? Can you speak honestly with your Mil and tell her that you love her excitement and enthusiasm and (not but) because of that, that you want to share with her how you plan the birth and the time afterwards to be becuase you KNOW how much she cares...which I guess are the most important bits. I'd be effusive about the nursery in her house, (which need never be used if you don't want it) admiring about the stuff she makes you (which again you can "keep for best"_ and so on. Give her all the positive feedback you can without backing down on the really importants stuff.

Just wait until your child is ill, can’t go to school, you’ve got a deadline to complete at work and you need emergency childcare so have to phone her at 7am in the morning 🤣🤣🤣

Get over yourself. Don’t send the baby there then she won’t use the nursery. She’s excited and preparing in her own way geez!

I said YANBU to set boundaries but all this bullshit about a theme and your specific instructions for MY (!) Baby?!?! Calm down.

It's fine for her to do what she likes at her house. Don't worry about taking things you don't want like cot bumpers or themed playmats that don't meet your highly specific requirements.

Don't tell her when you are in labour. Stay firm about her not visiting constantly. You will be out and about anyway.

Sounds Awful - your MIL is excited and is buying things for your baby!

My MIL is great but she wouldn't spend a penny on my kids. Never mind have a whole set up at her house! I think this is lovely.

Honestly, I think you are the one being the PITA.