MIL issues

[Intoyourarms]

Hi guys, this is more of a rant than question but any all advice will be much appreciated!

Throughout my pregnancy my MIL has done a few things to make me uncomfortable, overwhelmed and at times angry. In the beginning she would bug us about when she could tell people and then when she was finally able to, I found out she was telling people she was so excited to raise her grandchild. We announced on social media the news and on the same day posted an announcement about them becoming grandparents and basically took the spotlight for herself if she was there when we told people in person by declaring multiple times “I’m going to be a grandmother!” She constantly refers to the baby as HER baby and she’s even set up a nursery complete with cot, change table, pram, nursing chair, bouncer and chest of drawers at their house BEFORE we had set our own up. I told her that I didn’t want a theme for the nursery for various reasons but because she insisted on making things like blankets, sheets, play mats etc she has chosen a theme. She then got offended when I told her I wouldn’t be using the cot bumpers and quilt she had made as they can be dangerous. When my father in law was organising his annual leave for the Christmas break she got annoyed at him because now he won’t have any to take time off when the baby comes. I mean seriously, why does he need to take time off? She doesn’t work at all so I feel like she’s going to want to be over ALL the time.

I’ve started talking to my partner about us setting some boundaries for when baby arrives, just things like if we tell them I’m in labour they are not to contact us, if we need anything we will ask, they are not to tell anyone else that I’m in labour or when the baby is born, I don’t really want visitors the day we get home and when people want to come over, they need to either call or message first. Now these boundaries are for his family AND my family but he just takes offence to it and thinks I’m not being fair to his family. The difference is, this will be the 4th grandchild in my family so it’s not as big of deal for them whereas for his it will be the first. We also come from different backgrounds so each families expectations are different. I just want him to understand that I’m not doing it to hurt/be mean to his family but I will also be recovering from child birth so will need time to rest/heal/connect with our baby and I just don’t feel I can do that when people will be there all time, even if they are just trying to help. I just get the feeling his mum is going to want to be so involved and it’s really stressing me out!

Generally though I think if there is a good relationship it will remain.

I find my ILs difficult & would not choose to spend time with them.

So often my husband would see his parents & I would see mine.

I don't think that everyone has to do everything together all of the time.

"When babies arrived she was good enough to drive home from hospital then had to drop on doorstep and fuck off."

So her sons have all married women who don't get on with her/treat her badly & are happy to be a part of that bad treatment?

OP I totally get it, it's so fucking irritating. My MIL was also totally overexcited about my baby as it was the first grandchild. She wouldn't shut the fuck up about it, kept on and on and on suggesting names when she knew it irritated me and when we had already settled on a name, and then when the baby arrived would take her off into another room or gun in her face constantly. I seriously wanted to clock her one. I think you realise that in the grand scheme of things actually a lot of your complaints are actually quite minor and can be ignored, just as mine could have been ignored too, but they're SO INCREDIBLY ANNOYING, particularly when your hormones make you feel a bit territorial. Because that's what it is really - this other woman is basically acting like your baby's mum, when that's your role. It's so hard but try to take deep breaths and pick your battles - setting a boundary for her phoning before coming over is important, insisting that she doesn't buy stuff which won't get used isn't.

At her house its her choice and like someone else said if they don't get used then thats her issue
But maybe your dp is planning to take baby over there to visit as well
I often see on here that mums say this and that can't happen but they have dads too , granted if bF its harder but they don't BF forever
Re: quilt you have explained you can't use guidelines have changed but say you can use when older even if only to put on floor in garden to sit on
Agree though having visitors should be when your ready and based on how you feel
And maybe agree with do his mum only comes when invited to limit her visits if you think she will take advantage

So shes made you a few things it won't be a theme if you mix and match with your things and you can't use the bumper and quilt anyway

Also if you lived their for 7 years she has obviously been good to you in the past to allow you to live in her home so long

@Shitandhills

OP I totally get it, it's so fucking irritating. My MIL was also totally overexcited about my baby as it was the first grandchild. She wouldn't shut the fuck up about it, kept on and on and on suggesting names when she knew it irritated me and when we had already settled on a name, and then when the baby arrived would take her off into another room or gun in her face constantly. I seriously wanted to clock her one. I think you realise that in the grand scheme of things actually a lot of your complaints are actually quite minor and can be ignored, just as mine could have been ignored too, but they're SO INCREDIBLY ANNOYING, particularly when your hormones make you feel a bit territorial. Because that's what it is really - this other woman is basically acting like your baby's mum, when that's your role. It's so hard but try to take deep breaths and pick your battles - setting a boundary for her phoning before coming over is important, insisting that she doesn't buy stuff which won't get used isn't.

It's also so fucking to incredibly annoying to have your DIL live with you for seven fucking years!!

Urgh!!!

@Giraffesandbottoms yes I feel the same
Its like tell them they will not stay you can't guarantee they won't need to you could have an emergency etc
Fine to say really you don't need to if we or baby stays we will bring things but if they get some things given to them for their house they may come in handy one day

@diddl 2/3 yes

Agree with your partner to set boundaries now. No one needs to be informed when you go into labour if you think it'll cause hassle with people constantly messaging and calling. You can absolutely tell everyone no visitors for the first few days once safely at home, and even then you can absolutely limit visits to a couple of hours at a time and not daily. In the immediate postpartum period the priority is mum's recovery and baby's wellbeing, bonding with GPs is really not essential at the early stage. In fact it can hinder breastfeeding if baby is being passed around and not allowed close contact with mum.

For anyone saying that you'll need GPs' help so you shouldn't upset them- If new grandmothers don't respect their DILs to consider their feelings and boundaries and choose not to bond with their grandchildren as a result, we'll that's their own problem. It's perfectly possible to be a loving and caring granny without upsetting your DIL.

We have no help with childcare because all GPs live far away, and we wouldn't trust MIL to babysit unsupervised anyway, but we've coped absolutely fine on our own.

Hey OP I felt quite stressed and anxious by my MIL while I was pregnant. She would always give unsolicited advice and still does which I would try to ignore.

She kept on insisting that I should stay at my DM or her house as it will be very difficult after birth and I will need all the help I can to recover. She kept on banging on about it even when I said I would prefer to stay in my own home and I can decide closer to the time (I wanted to bond with my child so was not going to take up on the offer) She'd then say no you need to decide now. Then my husband would step in and say thank you for the offer but we will decide closer to the time.

I always had this feeling that she would want to take over with my baby.
Like your DH, my DH was brought up by his DG for the same reason. And I think it is seen as a rite of passage in their family.

Had DS and told everyone not to come round the day we came home as I would be tired etc but she insisted on coming round.

My saving grace to an extent was we went into lockdown. It was blissful. Without it she would have been wanting to come round everyday. And there is much much more.

My advice to you is yes it's odd she got a whole nursery kitted out in her house. But your DC will benefit.
Its her problem that your DC won't be staying round often and that her things won't get used or that he out grows it.

With the things that she has made, use what you want and mix it up and buy other stuff so there isn't a theme if that's possible.

I think OP you are working yourself up about some sruff too much albeit somewhat understandably. I think getting upset about themes, or lack of, does come across as a but ungrateful. A present is a present- surely you say thanks v much, and pass them on or store, if u don't want to use?

The buying a nursery is OTT but the baby is yours and your MIL sounds overexcited and perhaps rather nostalgic for her younger years.

I also don't understand people not allowing immediate family to visit. Extended family, annoying neighbours, extended visits...definitely push them down the line, but surely immediate family are dying to meet the newest family member? My MIL dropped in to the maternity hospital b4 my own parents and I was just happy to see how happy she was. She didn't stay long at all and was just dying to see my DS.

@diddl

"I have a son and its my absolute fear that he might end up with a woman who will keep my son from me"

Isn't he a grown man who can make his own s´decisions about when to see his mum?

Barring abuse, why would a woman want to keep your son from you?

You are deliberately being obtuse. Please read some of the threads here about MIL's.

@worriedatthemoment

Also if you lived their for 7 years she has obviously been good to you in the past to allow you to live in her home so long

OP seems to have conveniently forgotten she stayed in MIL's home for 7 long years and is now begrudging her being happy at the thought of becoming a grandparent.

@BABAHOTEL yeah, I agree. But that's not really the issue here is it?

I’ll never understand MN. On a different day, you’d have got a whole other set of responses to this OP! But obviously the MIL defenders are out in force on this one for some reason. I don’t understand the posters who have said you’re overreacting, of course you’re not.

The things you’ve mentioned so far give me no reassurance that your MIL will back off about any of it. You’ll need to have clear boundaries, and get your DH on side. I’m sorry it’s like this, it should be a happy time, and now you’re stressed. Keep being clear, and keep stating your boundaries. Don’t tell them when you go into labour and don’t let them have a house key!

@UnshakenNeedsStirring there's 'being happy' and there's overstepping. Referring to your grandchild as your own child and saying that you will be raising them is the latter.

DH and I are grandparents x4. We had our own collapsible travel cot/bed, our own buggy/stroller (Canada), our own carseats, blankets, toys, special cups and plates. The list goes on.

We looked after the kids as babies and toddlers, many times.

We absolutely had no intention of being intrusive or taking over. Our DIL and SIL seemed to want some extra time to themselves especially on weekends for appointments and things. They often left the kids with us overnight. It worked very well.

We took them lots of places, even to a trout fish farm, fairs, parks, festivals. You name it.

The really nice thing is now that they are teens we still have a close and nurturing relationship. It benefits us all. DH and grandson especially are close. Grandson is at uni and they still talk every day, lots about course work and lots about other things.

I am very glad that we seemed to avoid the whole hostile MIL thing. It is normal to be excited about having a grandchild. I do get that some grandparents could be intrusive but given the number of threads on here, it seems to be becoming a stereotype.

One of fondest memories is grandson, at about 3, sitting in the highchair we also had, looking at us both and saying, "Grandma and Grandpa talking to me!"

@Giraffesandbottoms

Also re the quilt - no you can’t use it when they are little but throw her a bone and explain you’ll use when baby is older! A handmade quilt is a beautiful thing, generally.

I had one that went on the cot when the baby wasn't in it! No big deal

People are very harsh about Mils on here. I have two sons and would be devastated if I couldn't share in the excitement of a new baby. She does sound a bit OTT but try and treat her with kindness. Maybe let the smaller things go and try and reassure her she can play a part but it needs to go at your and your DH pace. Remember if you have a son this could be you 8n the future.

My mil was like this x 10. I could write a book.

Stressed me out massively. She was constantly telling me how things would be. Said she was going to have an all white nursery and a full wardrobe of white clothes at hers for when ‘her’ baby arrived. Got tattoo of DS’ name within hours… Said she would pitch up outside of delivery room so she could be first to meet the baby.

She’s awful to be honest.

Result is, she has never looked after DS alone. I do not trust her. We have very firm boundaries in place for her. She doesn’t like them. But they are necessary to protect us and DS.

He loves her. I treat her with warmth. But she shot herself in the foot when she tried to dominate my experience of motherhood.

For context DS is 5…

OP @Intoyourarms I'm a bit confused about something, can you clarify if you still live with your boyfriends parents, or do you have your own house now?

I feel sorry for the MIL. She is excited, she wants to help, to make and buy things for her grandchild.

The OP says the MIL was practically bought up by her grandparents. MIL has set up a full nursery at her house so she can give full time care. She seems to think she will be doing the same as her grandparents. I don’t think she has set up a full nursery for the convenience of a few daytime naps.

There have been plenty of threads on here with GPs putting horrendous pressure on new mums to let them have overnights with the grandchild rather than letting the new mum decide when they are ready.

I would be worried too in OP’s situation. There is excitement and then there is being overbearing.

MIL became overbearing when we first had DC. Luckily she lived quite far away and worked so we didn’t have to manage daily visits. But her behaviour nearly split DH and I up.

Luckily things calmed down and we now have a good relationship, but it was so hard and when you are a new mum trying to navigate life with a baby it is the last thing you need.

Hopefully, if I become a MIL I will have learnt from her mistakes and know when to step back.

We didn’t tell anyone when I went into labour, helped in a way as started in the middle of the night. Went to hospital at 3am and had baby at 6am. Then I had serious complications after giving birth. So neither sets of parents were told they had become GPs until about 9am