MIL issues

[Intoyourarms]

Hi guys, this is more of a rant than question but any all advice will be much appreciated!

Throughout my pregnancy my MIL has done a few things to make me uncomfortable, overwhelmed and at times angry. In the beginning she would bug us about when she could tell people and then when she was finally able to, I found out she was telling people she was so excited to raise her grandchild. We announced on social media the news and on the same day posted an announcement about them becoming grandparents and basically took the spotlight for herself if she was there when we told people in person by declaring multiple times “I’m going to be a grandmother!” She constantly refers to the baby as HER baby and she’s even set up a nursery complete with cot, change table, pram, nursing chair, bouncer and chest of drawers at their house BEFORE we had set our own up. I told her that I didn’t want a theme for the nursery for various reasons but because she insisted on making things like blankets, sheets, play mats etc she has chosen a theme. She then got offended when I told her I wouldn’t be using the cot bumpers and quilt she had made as they can be dangerous. When my father in law was organising his annual leave for the Christmas break she got annoyed at him because now he won’t have any to take time off when the baby comes. I mean seriously, why does he need to take time off? She doesn’t work at all so I feel like she’s going to want to be over ALL the time.

I’ve started talking to my partner about us setting some boundaries for when baby arrives, just things like if we tell them I’m in labour they are not to contact us, if we need anything we will ask, they are not to tell anyone else that I’m in labour or when the baby is born, I don’t really want visitors the day we get home and when people want to come over, they need to either call or message first. Now these boundaries are for his family AND my family but he just takes offence to it and thinks I’m not being fair to his family. The difference is, this will be the 4th grandchild in my family so it’s not as big of deal for them whereas for his it will be the first. We also come from different backgrounds so each families expectations are different. I just want him to understand that I’m not doing it to hurt/be mean to his family but I will also be recovering from child birth so will need time to rest/heal/connect with our baby and I just don’t feel I can do that when people will be there all time, even if they are just trying to help. I just get the feeling his mum is going to want to be so involved and it’s really stressing me out!

OP, I completely understand how you feel and you should establish some boundaries, but try to also see the good in this situation. It’s so lovely for your child to have grandparents in their life, so try and facilitate this as much as you are comfortable with.

My MIL was so excited when my first DC was on their way. I ended up feeling super possessive and protective of DC and absolutely hated it when MIL would try and boss me around re baby care, and take my baby off for a walk in her arms - out of my sight - so I could finish my meals etc. She even offered to babysit fir a full week so DH and I could go away for a holiday, I was completely horrified that she would suggest I leave my child behind!

Looking back, I was clearly an idiot for not taking her up on that offer, I’d give anything to be able to get away for a full week but we now have too many children for her to look after so it’s never going to be offered again.

I still feel a bit territorial about my DC and it annoys me when MIL tries to correct their behaviour or fuss over them but it’s so important that they have a good relationship with their grandmother, for their sake, so I am controlling myself.

@Catkitkat no, you weren't an idiot for not going away for a week without your child. Your instincts told you to be with your baby. Absolutely nothing wrong with that at all.

This mil is wee bit more than excited. Called someone else's baby "my" baby is demented and bodes ill for the further respecting of boundaries.

@Giraffesandbottoms

I find these type of posts really controlling, I’m sorry. Why can’t she have a nursery at her house? If she doesn’t use it as you don’t want her to babysit, that’s her problem; but why not let her do it? Why can’t she have a theme? Why can’t she be excited? Her excitement and happiness over being a grandmother isn’t a competition with your happiness over being a mother. Happiness isn’t finite - it can be experienced by everyone and shared. She IS going to be a grandmother. She is excited! I don’t understand the problem!

It’s really sweet she wants your FIL to have time off. Why can’t they know when you’re in labour?

I’m sorry I just don’t understand this sort of thing. I understand if she criticised your actual parenting or is difficult about your method of feeding etc, but I really can’t see an issue with her being excited over her first grandchild.

Because of the expectations she clearly has. By her having a nursery, she's clearly expecting the baby to stay over night.

Because of the expectations she clearly has. By her having a nursery, she's clearly expecting the baby to stay over night.

Babies and toddlers nap in the day too...

@girlmom21

Because of the expectations she clearly has. By her having a nursery, she's clearly expecting the baby to stay over night.

Babies and toddlers nap in the day too...

Oh come on, you don't need a whole nursery to do a little bit of day time babysitting.

Boundaries are always a good thing - although you might want more help when the baby's older.

It'll be interesting to see how much she actually likes being a grandparent once the baby's here. She's putting herself front and centre now, but it absolutely won't be like that - she'll be off at the side while the baby/kid wants to always be close to their parents. My MIL found the fact that it's not all about her anymore very difficult. She finds the experience of being a grandparent very, very, very different to her expectation. She thought it would be all cuddles and "Wow, Grannie's here!" and it isn't! They actually see her as competition for my attention!

This is easier said that done, but remember that what she does has no impact on you.

Set your boundaries and stick to them.

It feels very cold, and hard to do, but you need to disassociate. What she has in her house has nothing to do with you. What she thinks has nothing to do with you. You can't control her - only yourself.

Stick to your guns, make clear in your own mind when it's appropriate for them to meet your baby, how often they will see the baby and what influence they will have in your lives. Then stick to it.

@shouldistop you don't need a whole nursery for an overnight stay either

[quote girlmom21]@shouldistop you don't need a whole nursery for an overnight stay either
[/quote]
You seriously don't think ops MIL had expectations when making that nursery?

You need to terrify DH at this point OP. Not even joking.

He needs to understand that he needs to be more worried about upsetting you than upsetting his mother.

If he doesn't back you up by telling her to calm the fuck down, and respect perfectly legitimate boundaries, you will be off.

@shouldistop she clearly had some kind of expectations but we don't know what conversations have actually been had.

For all we know her son has gone along with her assumptions.

In the OP she wasn't upset about the nursery. She was only upset about the fact MILs was completed first

Yanbu. She is setting up the nursery because she has every intention of harassing you into sending the baby to her. No one in their right mind would do this after being told they won't be providing child care. She needs to be stopped with her overbearing ways before the baby arrives.

She is marking her territory in your home and imposing her taste upon you before you’ve had a chance to wrap your head around what you want. Then, once she was told what you had in mind, she went ahead and ignored you completely, doing what she bloody wanted in the first place. If that’s not a massive overstep, I don’t know what is…. It also foretells her behaviour as things progress. Put your foot down now.

One thing I would say is that in my opinion it is a good thing ( ideally) for a DC to have a loving nice relationship with their DGPs. And that will end up being separate from yours as they (DCs) get older - so - choose your battles and don't make DCs choose between you and DGPs or hint there is animosity

The poor woman is just excited at the thought of becoming a grandmother. You come across as very controlling. You might have a son and youll be a MIL one day. You reap what you sow

@Justilou1

She is marking her territory in your home and imposing her taste upon you before you’ve had a chance to wrap your head around what you want. Then, once she was told what you had in mind, she went ahead and ignored you completely, doing what she bloody wanted in the first place. If that’s not a massive overstep, I don’t know what is…. It also foretells her behaviour as things progress. Put your foot down now.

Given that OP lived in MULs house for seven years, I'm sure she's done her fair share of dictating stuff!

@UnshakenNeedsStirring

The poor woman is just excited at the thought of becoming a grandmother. You come across as very controlling. You might have a son and youll be a MIL one day. You reap what you sow

Exactly, I've lived in your house for 7 years, but how dare MIL overstep the mark.

Firstly - congratulations on the impending birth.

Secondly - while your MiL may have bought and/or made items for you to have in your nursery for your new baby, you do not have to use any of it. There is no rule or law that says that you do. Say thank you, put the stuff aside and forget about it. Don't let it stress you out. You may decide at a later date that you do want to use that blanket or that changing mat or whatever that she may give you. You are also free to donate any and all of it to a local parenting group or nursery or charity shop (though on that one I'd pick a shop that is not in either of your localities).

You have to get your partner on side in relation to the labour issue. You don't want any parents/grandparents to be visiting you within the first 12/24/36 hours until you are happy with your baby.
I had relatives around my bed on my first a matter of a few hours after I had given birth. I was out of recovery (from a c-section) but I was barely on the ward at that stage. Then there was a steady stream of visitors for the following days. I was delighted when I got home as I could close the door and decide who I wanted to see and when.
You absolutely must get the medical staff to agree that they can't come in until you've given permission. If they do visit while you're in hospital, you are able to say "Oh i'm feeling rather tired now, I think you need to go so I can rest" and get the nurses to help usher them out.

Don't panic though about the decorations for the nursery. You are going to be the most important thing in the nursery to your baby!

@Giraffesandbottoms

I find these type of posts really controlling, I’m sorry. Why can’t she have a nursery at her house? If she doesn’t use it as you don’t want her to babysit, that’s her problem; but why not let her do it? Why can’t she have a theme? Why can’t she be excited? Her excitement and happiness over being a grandmother isn’t a competition with your happiness over being a mother. Happiness isn’t finite - it can be experienced by everyone and shared. She IS going to be a grandmother. She is excited! I don’t understand the problem!

It’s really sweet she wants your FIL to have time off. Why can’t they know when you’re in labour?

I’m sorry I just don’t understand this sort of thing. I understand if she criticised your actual parenting or is difficult about your method of feeding etc, but I really can’t see an issue with her being excited over her first grandchild.

I completely agree. OP you’re setting yourself up for a lot of hassle by trying to micro manage her response to the pregnancy and her buying things for the baby. Let her buy stuff if it makes her happy. She’s just excited. There’s no harm done in her knowing you’re in labour. You sound like you’re jealous of her taking any of the spotlight from you, by her saying she’s going to be a grandmother. It doesn’t take anything from you. Relax and let her enjoy herself, she’s doing no harm.

Obviously the visiting after you’ve had the baby may need some managing but having had a mother that couldn’t have been less interested in our baby, I’d have given anything for a fully engaged grandmother.

It's tricky but agree with picking your battles

Her nursery - ignore. May never be used, might be used but let her fill her boots

Stuff for yours - use if you want, don't if you don't

'My baby' - pull her up every time! - point to DP and say - 'he's there'

Going into labour - don't tell anyone if you don't want to. My PIL turned up at hospital! DH thankfully sent them away. DM phoned - hospital patched her through to labour suite and I told her straight I would call her back when I had any news. You need to concentrate on labour, nothing else

Visits - just say we are asking everyone to text before visiting. Midwife has said we have to make sure we don't have too many people in the house at once plus don't want people to waste a visit in case baby (or you!) have just gone down for a nap

Looking after baby - stick to your guns when the time comes. For now brush it off as 'oh that's ages away, don't want to discuss when they are only just born!'

Tell your DP you need his support - you and the baby come first now. His parents are very important, but they do not and will never take priority over the baby's and your needs as a core family

OP you are not over-reacting, anyone who says you are has never been stuck with a over zealous MIL trying to hijack their baby. It’s incredibly obnoxious to try and assert any type of ownership over your child. You do what’s best for you and your child, having a baby is hard enough without having to deal with MILs nonsense.

My PIL both turned up the day I came out of hospital, and just got on my very last nerve, 18 years on and I’m still a little resentful, but that’s probably me BU!

@Staryflight445

I was referring to labour and after birth *@ancientgran*

Oh so she has respected their wishes up to now about the news but you think she might not when DIL is in labour or when baby is born?

Well the labour bit is easy, don't tell her. The only time either side of the family knew when I was in labour was when I needed childcare for other children. Apart from anything else I didn't want people fretting and worrying for hours, just wanted it to be exciting news.

@Giraffesandbottoms

I am so sad I have 3 boys sometimes. I really really really hope I don’t get a daughter in law who wants to exclude me!

I have a son and its my absolute fear that he might end up with a woman who will keep my son from me

"I have a son and its my absolute fear that he might end up with a woman who will keep my son from me"

Isn't he a grown man who can make his own s´decisions about when to see his mum?

Barring abuse, why would a woman want to keep your son from you?

Isn't he a grown man who can make his own s´decisions about when to see his mum?

Lots of men will do things just to keep the peace. I have 3 brothers and I’ve seen the dynamic with my mother and the different daughters in law and it’s pretty scary. They are very close to her, the boys, but she is seldom, if ever, allowed in their homes. When babies arrived she was good enough to drive home from hospital then had to drop on doorstep and fuck off.