MIL issues

[Intoyourarms]

Hi guys, this is more of a rant than question but any all advice will be much appreciated!

Throughout my pregnancy my MIL has done a few things to make me uncomfortable, overwhelmed and at times angry. In the beginning she would bug us about when she could tell people and then when she was finally able to, I found out she was telling people she was so excited to raise her grandchild. We announced on social media the news and on the same day posted an announcement about them becoming grandparents and basically took the spotlight for herself if she was there when we told people in person by declaring multiple times “I’m going to be a grandmother!” She constantly refers to the baby as HER baby and she’s even set up a nursery complete with cot, change table, pram, nursing chair, bouncer and chest of drawers at their house BEFORE we had set our own up. I told her that I didn’t want a theme for the nursery for various reasons but because she insisted on making things like blankets, sheets, play mats etc she has chosen a theme. She then got offended when I told her I wouldn’t be using the cot bumpers and quilt she had made as they can be dangerous. When my father in law was organising his annual leave for the Christmas break she got annoyed at him because now he won’t have any to take time off when the baby comes. I mean seriously, why does he need to take time off? She doesn’t work at all so I feel like she’s going to want to be over ALL the time.

I’ve started talking to my partner about us setting some boundaries for when baby arrives, just things like if we tell them I’m in labour they are not to contact us, if we need anything we will ask, they are not to tell anyone else that I’m in labour or when the baby is born, I don’t really want visitors the day we get home and when people want to come over, they need to either call or message first. Now these boundaries are for his family AND my family but he just takes offence to it and thinks I’m not being fair to his family. The difference is, this will be the 4th grandchild in my family so it’s not as big of deal for them whereas for his it will be the first. We also come from different backgrounds so each families expectations are different. I just want him to understand that I’m not doing it to hurt/be mean to his family but I will also be recovering from child birth so will need time to rest/heal/connect with our baby and I just don’t feel I can do that when people will be there all time, even if they are just trying to help. I just get the feeling his mum is going to want to be so involved and it’s really stressing me out!

Imagine your feelings if she wasn't interested at all. She is very likely to calm down, but a new baby in the family is an exciting thing for everyone or should be. Try not to let the hormones get the better of you and don't let these worries spoil this time for you.
Congratulations 🎊

@Intoyourarms

Thanks for everyone’s comments, I do know I am probably overreacting with some things and understand that I’m probably letting my hormones get the better of me with certain aspects. But I have been with my partner for 11 years and lived with his parents for 7 of those so I know my MIL pretty well and for the most part we get along really well. My partner and his brother were basically raised by her parents as she and FIL had to go back to work and she basically expects that that is what is going to happen with ours even though she has been told I am taking time off and when I do go back to work part time, baby will be going to daycare those days. She is very opinionated and not afraid of confrontation and I’m the complete opposite of that so my biggest fear is that she is going to just do what she wants regardless of what I say

Ahh bless you. Yes it is possible you are feeling more anxious than you need to over some things. Other things do need a boundary drawn- which you did really successfully. You told her in no uncertain terms you wouldn’t be using the cot bumpers and quilt, as you quite rightly know they are not recommended. I would take from this that actually when it really matters you can be assertive and she will listen/have to do as you say.

For the rest of it, I would try and hold on to the fact that you normally get on well with her. Yes she is being overexcited, but once the baby arrives and it all settles down a bit, I think you will appreciate that she loves your baby. Of course she is being silly to call it her baby. But everyone knows it’s actually your baby not hers, so maybe just ignore or say ‘MIL baby is your lovely GRANDbaby - that’s really special!- lucky baby having you as granny’

As for the kitting out of her home - yes it’s a bit silly of her because baby won’t stay at hers, but it sounds like she is up for having your child at hers and providing equipment. That will be super useful in years to come. The baby phase is short in the scheme of things and it’s good that she wants to be involved.

I think you are feeling anxious about it because you are thinking she is expecting overnights with a small baby, and it will be uncomfortable having to say no. In actual fact what you could do is use it for naps if you go over in the day. That way it gets used but not for something you aren’t comfortable with. You could even say to her ‘MIL I’m so pleased you did the nursery at yours because it means I can hopefully put baby down for naps in the day. It’s also somewhere I can go to feed baby in peace’. You are setting the boundaries whilst acknowledging she did something kind.

@Intoyourarms - I too did not realise stuff for your nursery - I thought it was for the room where DC would be in her house - so I would say just as much as you can't dictate what she puts in her house - she can't expect to decorate a room in your house.

But as a PP said and others in the different words - don't sweat the small stuff

If you like some of the things keep them - if others you don't either say - Oh this would be useful at your house or just tactfully shove it away ( for spares) and then get some things you like . Or just use the things she has made which you like and then do your bits as well.

An anecdote - DMIL bought me a cot ( trying to be kind) I hated it - which, in hindsight I think was mostly because I wanted to buy 1st baby's cot. I ended up being very grateful because lots of baby things don't last very long and that was money we did not need to spend - but I did dress it up with things I liked.

There is a difference between being a kind and generous grandparent who possibly goes over the top and a controlling one and the trick is to between you come to an agreement about things. ( No shit sherlock)

Anyway - more importantly - congratulations on your pregnancy & all very very best wishes for you, DH and baby

Tell him you've changed your mind. You agree with him that grandparents should be involved so great news, you've arranged for your mum to come over every day too. Won't that be fantastic!

I bet he'll have something to say about that!

All sounds so childish.

Trust me, after months and months of no sleep you’ll be lobbing your baby at mil to take to the nurses at her house!

You lived with her in her home for seven years, she shared her space with you for that time, but you're worried she'll want to share some of your space when the baby arrives.

Why did you live with her for seven years? Was it to save money?

How is your relationship with MIL generally? She sounds very excited and that is lovely, but f you are finding it overwhelming you need to say something.

I had a lovely MIL who helped us so much when our DS’ were small, she really supported us. You may be grateful for her help, to give you a break once baby is here.

I sadly lost my MIL last year, but the relationship we had and that of my DS’ with her was very special, we miss her every day.

Good luck OP.

Don't tell her when you're in labour and make sure you keep your curtains closed and door locked when baby arrives so no flouncing in unannounced!

She's not respecting your boundaries or wishes and accommodating hers now just diminishes your own parental power. Let her overstep the boundaries now and she'll carry on with it down the line. I don't think your being harsh or overreacting to put yourself and your wishes first.

Your main problem is...

1. You lived in her house for 7 years!!! So clearly are all VERY Involved in each others lives
2. your DH is not on the same page as you.

I am pregnant 35 weeks and have a difficult mil.
In pregnancy in particular she has caused me huge anxiety and stress.
BUT i can recognise while she is a nightmare challenging I am not perfect and can over react. Hormones are also causing some general anxiety and I can find myself obsessing over imagined situations.

I find its helpful to separate the issues and tackle individually- it breaks down the problem and I can be more dispassionate.

Bonkers nursery at her house - her time her money her thing. Leave her off with it.
Themed nursery junk - whatever. Put her bits
Out for show (when baby is born it will be in your room to start) then just replace with things you were bought or were gifted and stick hers in a cupboard...
FB announcement let it go. Its just not a big deal...
MY baby - laughingly correct with a "ho ho ho your baby is 5"10 and a lot hairier - want a cup of tea?" "Ho ho ho Nope this ones mine! Should've gone to specsavers" etc.
Hogging the baby - directly ask and take the baby back. Your DH should support you on this. Buy skin to skin tops and slings.

It doesn't all have to be a big confrontation you can just get on with your things and work round her. Boundaries are about you and your needs not her.

You need to gather your thoughts properly and get in the same page as your DH though otherwise it's going to be a lot more difficult all round.

I agree with you OP but I would also say that a cot at her house is actually really useful for when you go over for lunch or something. My MiL has a cot at hers for DD’s daytime naps.

Goodness what a lot of my’s

Just do your own thing, let her do her. If she’s excited great and showing an interest.
If you don’t like the stuff she’s made then don’t use it.

Just included her in some things, and let her have a cuddle of her grandchild every now and again and it’s will all be grand.

I can see it from both sides here, my Mum is quite involved with my son and I can imagine sometimes my husband was worried about feeling like you do. My mum sometimes calls my son hers too, although she does laugh about it when she does. She looks after him a lot mind you.

I don't see anything wrong with her sharing the news about being a grandma the same day you did, she was just excited. My mum would have done the same and I didn't see it as her taking over our joy, it was just sharing.

I would let her make whatever she likes and then not use it if you don't want to. I agree it's annoying she said she was doing one thing then did something else! There just isn't a lot of point in getting worked up about it as she's unlikely to change.

I agree you need to speak to your husband again and setting some boundaries about you letting people know when you're ready for visits is a good idea. Just make it clear it's the same for everyone not just her and she should respect that. To be honest once you've had your baby you may find you are so grateful for the offer of help or a break!!

I wouldn't tell her you are in labour, I didn't want my MIL to know as it just starts the whole is the baby is here yet. Just leave it and let them know when you're ready.

You really just have to be firm and clear RE expectations for future childcare. If your MIL is setting up a whole nursery at her house I don’t think it is unreasonable to tell her now that your baby will not be staying with her for any substantial periods of time until they are much older. If you leave it for now she will be more upset ‘but I’ve set up a room for the baby!’

My MIL was desperate to be involved and tried to decorate the nursery at my house too. I politely rejected some of her gifts and OH made it very clear that she wasn’t to show up unannounced the first (and last) time she did it. I’m very glad our relationship survived though. Now my baby is a rambunctious toddler and I’m most grateful that she can go for a sleepover at nanny’s house so we can go out in the evening then enjoy a long lie in the next day!

Big hugs, the new baby stage is such a vulnerable time. It is totally normal and healthy to feel anxious about another person trying to muscle in our your baby when they are acting like your MIL.

I’ve started talking to my partner about us setting some boundaries for when baby arrives, just things like if we tell them I’m in labour they are not to contact us, if we need anything we will ask,

I'd tell you where to go if you told me
I wasn't allowed to contact my son and then called asking for favours.

You'll also regret this attitude when/if you have a second baby and you need help when you go into labour.

She's just excited. I get that it can be overwhelming and overbearing but try and remember she's doing it out of kindness, not to stress you out.

Try and cut her a little bit of slack. Keep firm boundaries but consider them sensibly.

There’s usually a happy medium so I’d try to find it. Mine barely had anything - a very weird type of pushchair and a high chair, that was it. Both had been sold before I had DC2 and so then there was nothing. We had to lug everything with us. They’d had the offer of a cot from family who’d used it for their GC but refused it.
I think the big issue is not letting them take over and upset you in the early days and weeks after birth. There was a thread on here recently about in laws saying they are coming to stay for 2 weeks! I talked about this with DH and he said surely it’s only fair to treat his mum the same as the wife’s mum. I asked him to remember what a new mum is going through - bleeding, leaking milk, teariness or worse, trying to express ( in my case). Would it be right to be trying to cope with all that with your inlaws in the house? He got the point.
People can forget that there is a woman at the centre of this who has just given birth and needs to feel secure in her own home. If MIL respects that, then she might well be very helpful. But if she goes on about ‘her’ baby and tries to take over, then it won’t be good.

Urgh she's going to be an overbearing pest who thinks this is her second chance at parenting. She trying to make this baby all about her.

Does she have nothing to do by any chance?

Why can't people just be considerate, respectful of boundaries (i.e. it's not her baby at all), loving and kind instead?

I understand your pain as going through something similar (not quite as drastic).

For others saying OP is over reacting, she isn't. From my experience, this is very overwhelming and puts pressure and stress on you at a vulnerable time. MIL and Mothers should be there for support and not control. They should follow what OP wants and not the other way. It's her first time having a child, its easy to get caught up in trying to pander to other people, and forget the most important person currently is yourself.

To the person who asked why MIL shouldn't have a nursery in her house, well it's not her baby and it places immediate expectations that the baby will be there for a significant amount of time. Which whilst it's her money, it's OP baby, so she shouldn't feel pressured to do anything which having a nursery does. The glory is also stolen if she did it before OP did hers.

OP, try to set some middle ground with MIL, tell her to back off because it's causing you stress, she sounds a very loving grandparent (like my MIL is) but just a tad over excited. Explain how your mother is acting (presuming she's acting in a manor youre comfortable with) and explain you would feel less overwhelmed if she toned it down to that level.

In terms of the cot bumpers, times have changed so were probably OK in her time, and the quilt will be a nice memento for the child when they're older. If she's used a theme you don't want, just have them as a 'spare' set or they're 'too special to use' or put them on, send a pic then whenever she's around say 'oh I changed the sheets last night and they're in the wash'

Oh you poor thing. Some grandparents fail to understand this is your baby, they have already raised their own children and now its your turn. I think you need to start managing expectations now for example if she starts talking about visiting straight away you need to say now that you will be bonding with the baby but they are more than welcome to visit once ye are settled. I think my MIL has a very different picture of how things would be but can't say anything because I am perfectly nice but just have things the way I want. I am happy, baby is happy, I really amn't responsible for MILs happiness......

@OnceuponaRainbow18 I love the thought of running for the hills and baby being passed backwards in a perfect rugby throw - deftly caught and straight into the ready made granny nursery . Could be worse. I joke I know people have concerns - but that did make me laugh

I totally get where you're coming from OP. The nursery puts pressure on you to let baby sleep over before you're ready. You need firm boundaries, don't use things you don't want to use, say no to offers of help you don't want, take baby back if they are snatched from you and do not tell anyone you are in labour! Soooo much less stress not having people message every 5 mins demanding updates!

I'm sorry but I can't see the issue? This is normal grandparents behaviour. I think it's you who seem very controlling and unreasonable. Of course she wants to announce she's going to be a grandmother. She's excited!

You seem a bit weird about this tbh. Your poor partner

I'd tell you where to go if you told me
I wasn't allowed to contact my son and then called asking for favours

I think it’s quite horrible; the idea of my son not being able to even tell me when his wife is in labour. I mean surely she can know, if the boundary is set that she can’t just march to hospital? They sound like quite a close family etc

I’d recommend being very blunt. Try saying you won’t want the baby to have sleepovers without you for the first year, or as a new mum you’ll want a week or so to recover from the birth before anyone comes over, or that you’ll be doing extended breastfeeding, or that as a first time mum you doubt you’ll want to let your baby out of your arms etc. I have a lovely but overstepping MIL who has done things like cut my child’s hair or demand sleepovers, we have had a few upsets over the years but I think she’s a loving grandparent and we get along ok, but I’ve had to stand my ground to not get steamrollered. Get her to understand that as a first time parent you want to do things your own way, or she’ll assume you’re happy with what she’s doing. Ps your partner will get upset, but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong here.

P.s. she just turned up at the hospital despite being told not to. Don’t tell her when you’re in Labour!

And there’s some of us over here who’s MIL doesn’t bother with the children 🤷🏼‍♀️