Page 7 | AIBU child-free wedding?

flamingomonkey · 2022-01-26T03:58:25+00:00

Partner and I are booking our wedding and are only having children that are immediate family. I have a friend who has told me she'll be bringing her children as mine will be there so it's unfair not to invite hers. A mutual friend got married a couple of years back also a child-free wedding and she made the whole thing a nightmare then but as our friend didn't have children herself she accepted it. I know I'm not being unreasonable to limit children as it keeps the costs down. However I am considering just uninviting her to save myself the headache - would that be unreasonable?

Poppy709 · 26/01/2022 10:54

Uninvite her, ridiculous behaviour.

SoLongDarla · 26/01/2022 11:01

I had a friend not go to our other friends wedding because she didn't want to leave her child. Her child was 2 and had only been left with her grandparents for 1 hour max (they lived across the road!). The wedding was in the town they lived so no travel. But friend was adamant she needed her child there because she couldn't leave her for a full day (not still BFing) and just refused to go when the bride said sorry, we need to be strict with numbers and it just wouldn't be fair as I'd have to then allow loads of people with kids to bring theirs.

These two people had been friends for over 10 years. And 3 years before the friend had her own child free wedding, that she didn't even allow her nieces and nephews to go to!

The bride wasn't fussed she didn't go, in the end. The friend had annoyed her that much with her attitude, she was glad! Madness.

OfstedOffred · 26/01/2022 11:04

No one with children turned down the invite to my child free wedding. I sent out invites to X and Y, they RSVP and that was it. Children weren’t even mentioned!

Were they young kids? Was the wedding in a location that required an overnight stay?

My experience has been that most bride and grooms havent yet had kids and assume that most people can simply get rid off their kids on some relative for 24 hours whenever they want.

It's only when you actually have kids you find out how available/not available/willing/not willing your family really are to do extended childcare including overnights.

My BiL assumes from his friends that it's easy to leave children with grandparents regularly, and always assumes we can do the same to join him for child free social events (long weekends etc). He has never once joined that dots that we often can't because his own mother is neither willing nor available to do that sort of childcare very often.... and is in for a shock when he has his own kids!

SoLongDarla · 26/01/2022 11:07

What I find funny, is that the majority of people outraged their children aren't invited have nearly always had child free weddings themselves.

They then say how they didn't understand, or didn't get it, and the bride and groom will understand when they have their own kids (so patronising).

But really, it comes down to, you had your wedding your way so Let other people have their wedding their way. If it bothers you, don't go.

DaisyMum40 · 26/01/2022 11:10

@OfstedOffred

No one with children turned down the invite to my child free wedding. I sent out invites to X and Y, they RSVP and that was it. Children weren’t even mentioned!

Were they young kids? Was the wedding in a location that required an overnight stay?

My experience has been that most bride and grooms havent yet had kids and assume that most people can simply get rid off their kids on some relative for 24 hours whenever they want.

It's only when you actually have kids you find out how available/not available/willing/not willing your family really are to do extended childcare including overnights.

My BiL assumes from his friends that it's easy to leave children with grandparents regularly, and always assumes we can do the same to join him for child free social events (long weekends etc). He has never once joined that dots that we often can't because his own mother is neither willing nor available to do that sort of childcare very often.... and is in for a shock when he has his own kids!

That's not the bride and grooms problem though. They're under no obligation to arrange a wedding round about anyone else's childcare (or lack of).

Argealanlea · 26/01/2022 11:12

@OfstedOffred yes kids ranged from 0-5 for friends and 5-18 for cousins. Looking at around 40 kids in total hence child free wedding. Furthest someone had to travel was 2 hours and all the friends stayed over at the hotel. It really wasn’t an issue. No one even approached me about bringing their child. I offered one friend whose baby was 8 months to come but she said no as her parents lived beside the church and 30 mins away from the venue so she just went back there after the church and again after the meal but she also stayed at venue overnight and just left early the next day (she was a bridesmaid).

I am Irish and big childfree weddings are the norm (bar children of immediate family). No one causes a fuss back home compared to mumsnet (maybe it’s a U.K. thing and people are unwilling to put themselves out for friends or families are reluctant to help with childcare).

morechocolateneededtoday · 26/01/2022 11:20

@Kbyodjs

I think it’s a bit off to have some children but not all children invited. I went to a wedding like this a while ago and the thought I had was “oh you didn’t want a childfree wedding, you just didn’t want my children there” I understand childfree weddings but if you have some and not others then you’re saying that those peoples children matter less to you (maybe that’s true but also expect people to be hurt by that) I think you’d be surprised by how many people will avoid bringing their children to a wedding without you having to say it

But that is the case - OP's own children or her sibling's children matter more than a colleague or friend's children.

I would not be hurt or offended if a friend did not invite my children but had her sibling's children there.

Why would you think your children are the centre of everyone's world?

Livpool · 26/01/2022 11:28

I don't like childfree weddings however that is what you want so your friend is being exceptionally cheeky. I would uninvite her.

It is your day and it should be how you want it to be. And as for how much child minders cost that isn't the OPs problem

Nowomenaroundeh · 26/01/2022 11:29

I seem to be reading a different thread to everyone else as in my world the OP did not ask aibu regarding her childfree terms but her desire to uninvite her incredibly rude friend.

I say do it OP. She's obnoxious in the extreme. Imagine saying hers can come because yours are. Whose wedding is it? Who is hosting and paying for that matter? Will she be wearing a white dress and veil because you are? She's rude and self entitled in the extreme.

I don't even have the details of my wedding firmed up (for complicated family reasons) but I have one friend throwing her weight around regardless. I'd had an original plan to have a tiny gathering at the ceremony with immediate family only on both sides, go for a lovely indulgent lunch then invite a big gang for a party and buffet style food later on. I had my reasons for doing it this way.

My friend was outraged that she wasn't going to see me get married and very vocal about it. I explained to her I was sorry but we had our own personal reasons and making an exception for her would complicate things.

We since (for other reasons) changed our minds and are now having the same wider group of guests to the whole thing (or whichever parts they choose to attend). Formerly outraged friend is now being even more vocal talking consistently in my presence about how I thought I was allowed to have a wedding without inviting anyone. Needless to say, she never hosts anything herself.

I also feel like telling her she is now uninvited as I'm so sick of it all.

rookiemere · 26/01/2022 11:34

I think it just needs to be made clear to people on what basis some DCs are invited and some not. It may be pedantic but to me the expression child free wedding is binary, as in it either is or it is not.

When we had ours I included DCs on the invites if they had far to travel or I knew they had no childcare options. Someone contacted me to ask if they could bring their baby as BF and I said of course- was child free at the time so didn't quite know that a DM and BF baby shouldn't be parted.

In any event someone allowed their two year old to screech away during the ceremony without removing them - didn't spoil it for us as we were at the front, but got feedback from people at the back that they struggled to hear.

winnieanddaisy · 26/01/2022 11:50

I was married in 1972 . We decided how much we could afford to spend and how many people we could have attend . We had 70 altogether, which consisted of 10 on the top table including 2 12 year old bridesmaids . The only other child invited was my 10 year old brother .
My DH and I were the first on both sides to get married so there weren't any other children that needed to be on the guest but besides that , I'm not really keen on children so didn't want any at my wedding.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/01/2022 12:01

Am I just very old or did weddings seem to be simpler in the "olden days"

Well, there's at least one other old gimmer here who agrees with you

Nowadays some seem more about "productions" than the actual marriage, with many - B&G included - consumed with meeeee. Add onto that an all-too-common intolerance for the word "no" and you've got a potential for angst right there

Anoisagusaris · 26/01/2022 12:07

I haven’t been to a single wedding where friends’ children were invited, it’s just not the done thing here. Average number of kids in our circles is 3. If 20 couples brought their kids, that would be an extra 60 people!

Anoisagusaris · 26/01/2022 12:08

Your friend is a cheeky bitch btw.

BasiliskStare · 26/01/2022 12:49

So very lovely to hear some voices of reason on this thread. ( My opinion only - others are available)

Yes perhaps it is MN rather than the times - but really , if friends are making your wedding stressful they aren't really helping you out are they ?

to @Argealanlea and to @Puzzledandpissedoff and also to @SoLongDarla

I do think child free rather than having the bride and grooms children or nephews / nieces & not friends' children is a red herring.

The couple getting married can invite exactly who they want - any one invited can say no thank you if it does not suit them for any reason - if this ends up with bad feelings - well I would say ( only my opinion) then not that great a friend or you haven't discussed it properly. But what do I know ?

I would say - Next, ask me one on sport but I know nothing about sport.

Shadappayourface · 26/01/2022 12:51

@OfstedOffred

No one with children turned down the invite to my child free wedding. I sent out invites to X and Y, they RSVP and that was it. Children weren’t even mentioned!

Were they young kids? Was the wedding in a location that required an overnight stay?

My experience has been that most bride and grooms havent yet had kids and assume that most people can simply get rid off their kids on some relative for 24 hours whenever they want.

It's only when you actually have kids you find out how available/not available/willing/not willing your family really are to do extended childcare including overnights.

My BiL assumes from his friends that it's easy to leave children with grandparents regularly, and always assumes we can do the same to join him for child free social events (long weekends etc). He has never once joined that dots that we often can't because his own mother is neither willing nor available to do that sort of childcare very often.... and is in for a shock when he has his own kids!

Or maybe the bride and groom have factored in that not everyone will be able to go because of children and are fine with that. Brides and grooms have enough stress and planning to deal with when organising and paying for a wedding without having to consider petty issues like this. It's the wedding they want, as long as they and their immediate family can attend I doubt they care too much. I wonder if you would sit down and review the personal circumstances of every one of your guests! Ridiculous!

MajorCarolDanvers · 26/01/2022 12:56

Your wedding so do what you like.

Although rather than jump to uninviting her have another word first to let her know you really mean it about no kids and she can chose to come without them or not at all.

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 26/01/2022 13:00

You can invite who you want but I'd be annoyed to faff about with childcare and still have kids running round. I'd either have a child free night without other people's kids or have my kids there too so I wouldn't go to a wedding with kids without my kids.

phoenixrosehere · 26/01/2022 13:21

You can invite who you want but I'd be annoyed to faff about with childcare and still have kids running round. I'd either have a child free night without other people's kids or have my kids there too so I wouldn't go to a wedding with kids without my kids.

So actual children of the bride and groom shouldn’t be able to see their parents get married because your kids wouldn’t be allowed?

aSofaNearYou · 26/01/2022 13:40

@Getyourjinglebellsinarow

You can invite who you want but I'd be annoyed to faff about with childcare and still have kids running round. I'd either have a child free night without other people's kids or have my kids there too so I wouldn't go to a wedding with kids without my kids.

But it isn't about you. Surely you can see that?

Those kids are their because of their connection to the bride and groom. Yours aren't because they don't have one. It hasn't been done to give you a child free night.

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/01/2022 13:43

We had family children only

Mainly as of cost and numbers

I don’t think no one didn’t come due to their kids not going

She is a cheeky bitch

DaisyMum40 · 26/01/2022 13:48

@Getyourjinglebellsinarow

You can invite who you want but I'd be annoyed to faff about with childcare and still have kids running round. I'd either have a child free night without other people's kids or have my kids there too so I wouldn't go to a wedding with kids without my kids.

"You can invite who you want but.... I'm still going to moan about it because it doesn't suit me."

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/01/2022 13:58

@phoenixrosehere

You can invite who you want but I'd be annoyed to faff about with childcare and still have kids running round. I'd either have a child free night without other people's kids or have my kids there too so I wouldn't go to a wedding with kids without my kids.

So actual children of the bride and groom shouldn’t be able to see their parents get married because your kids wouldn’t be allowed?

Exactly! How entitled is that? The bride and groom having their own children their to watch them get married is a completely different scenario to your children being there. It’s not all about you and your kids!

BasiliskStare · 26/01/2022 14:28

Exactly - sometimes a day isn't all about you . You are allowed to decline an invitation , preferably gracefully and politely.

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 26/01/2022 15:42

How is it entitled to say you can invite who you want but I wouldn't go?
I wouldn't waste a child free evening on an event where there'd be other people's kids.