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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU child-free wedding?

196 replies

flamingomonkey · 26/01/2022 03:58

Partner and I are booking our wedding and are only having children that are immediate family.

I have a friend who has told me she'll be bringing her children as mine will be there so it's unfair not to invite hers.

A mutual friend got married a couple of years back also a child-free wedding and she made the whole thing a nightmare then but as our friend didn't have children herself she accepted it.

I know I'm not being unreasonable to limit children as it keeps the costs down. However I am considering just uninviting her to save myself the headache - would that be unreasonable?

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 26/01/2022 07:24

Your wedding, your choice, many congrats OP

Metallicalover · 26/01/2022 07:24

I got married early 20s so none of my friends had children at the time.
We had children come who were our relatives.
If I got married now I would still only invite children who were my relatives aka cousins, nieces, nephews and my own children.
Definitely wouldn't invite my friends children, I'm friends with my friends not their children. Venues have limited numbers also! If they couldn't come due to childcare or only come to part of the day I would understand!
I have a child of my own and there's lots of weddings happening at the moment and my child has not been invited, didn't think anything of it!

mummabubs · 26/01/2022 07:28

YANBU, this is really rude of your so-called friend. We've got two children and have been to several child-free weddings over the last few years. We don't mind as it gives us a rare break and also a situation where our kids would have to spend most of the time sitting quietly for speeches or navigating around a load of paraletically drunk adults doesn't really appeal to us in fairness!

We've actually got one coming up in the summer where it looks like I might have to stay with the kids as it's a child free wedding and we're struggling to find childcare, it would never even occur to us to just say that we were going to bring the kids anyway. Whether you have children or not is irrelevant to your friend. If anything it should be obvious to her why it's completely different for your own children to be there! Stick to your guns OP and uninvite if need be. She sounds really disrespectful.

Aderyn21 · 26/01/2022 07:32

Any 'friend' who told me they were going to overrule my decision for my wedding, would no longer be a friend of mine!
Obviously it's completely different to include your own/close family children than children of friends.
No one thinks that it's okay to bring children uninvited to dinner parties or out with friends to the pub, so I don't see why some consider that their kids must attend other peoples weddings!

Ginger1982 · 26/01/2022 07:36

I had a child free wedding other than nieces and nephews and I was even nervous having them in case they disrupted the ceremony. Perhaps it's precious, but I didn't want kids talking or crying during it. My choice, as it is yours. I wouldn't want to take my son to a wedding anyway!

drpet49 · 26/01/2022 07:37

It isn’t child free though.

foggygreyday · 26/01/2022 07:39

Make it clear that there will not be places at the tables for her kids and that she is welcome to RSVP that she can't come. As for people saying children are only £10 per head.. so what? I'd much rather have a room full of adults than having to give up half my venue space to kids and then miss adults off the invite list. Recently I've been to two 40th birthday parties. One had only 2 children (Neice and nephew to birthday girl) and the other had children included... it was like a bloody soft play, kids everywhere, not an enjoyable party for adults.
You like your own kids, doesn't mean other people have to.

Qwertykeys · 26/01/2022 07:41

Tell her sorry you didn't seem to understand, children are not invited. Please let me know if you and DH/P are attending. If she says about the children again tell her it's your wedding not hers

LawnFever · 26/01/2022 07:44

@drpet49

It isn’t child free though.
So what? It’s the wedding the OP wants.
Aderyn21 · 26/01/2022 07:44

Also children are individuals too and it's okay to want some kids there but not others, the same as you invite some adults but not everyone you know!
Children do change the vibe of a gathering and it's perfectly reasonable to want an adult occasion or not want to spend money on people you don't know (even if they are the children of friends).

Shiningpath · 26/01/2022 07:52

You are perfectly entitled to invite who you want. This is exactly the same as the friend saying “well you’ve invited your mum so I’m bringing mine”. Childcare has nothing to do with it. What about people who need to arrange care for a disabled person they are responsible for? Can they just bring them along? No. For some reason people have a weird blind spot about kids and weddings where they assume every wedding not focussed on the(ir) little darlings is a cold, joyless affair.

Children don’t always cost £10 as some PPs suggested. It depends entirely on the venue and catering options. For what it’s worth, when I got married around five years ago, each child meal was £120 plus VAT so quite a considerable cost.

Wiredforsound · 26/01/2022 07:53

@MakeYourOwnLollies

They cost you £10 per head and if you don't invite them they cost the parents £12 per hour and masses of hassle to leave them. I agree with *@bonetiredwithtwins* that you're just assuming everyone else has an easy setup and a mum like yours. Can't see why a few kids can't come.
It doesn’t matter if it’s 50p or £50. The OP doesn’t want kids there. Her wedding, her choice.
Polkadotties · 26/01/2022 07:55

I’m getting married this year. It’s child free. If you don’t like it, don’t come

gobbledygoook · 26/01/2022 07:58

I planned a child free wedding apart from one child - my nephew! Unfortunately on the day some people just turned up with children.

I'd make it very very clear that her children are not invited! Can't believe some PP saying it's only £10, or why don't their kids matter as much as family children, some people have weird weird views. If they're not invited, they're not invited!

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 26/01/2022 08:01

@drpet49

It isn’t child free though.
You’re right. The OP’s kids will be there.

Having fun splitting hairs?

Meowwwwwww · 26/01/2022 08:02

@bonetiredwithtwins

That's great your mum will watch your kids but not everyone has help like that at their disposal. And as for saving money kids cost like £10 per head 🤷🏻‍♀️
I can’t tell if you’re kidding. If not I assume you haven’t been to many weddings. Are you under the impression that they all cost the same? Ours was significantly more than £10/head even for a child, although we wouldn’t have invited children at any price. Our wedding couldn’t start until after sundown as we are Jewish and we wanted yo get married on a Saturday. Many of our friends and family had moved away and we all had busy jobs and/or young families so we looked forward to weddings as a chance to get together and let our hair down a bit. The food and atmosphere were very much adult-oriented not in the porny sense and we had trusted babysitters available to stay in the hotel rooms for those who wanted it but most people left their kids at home. In our circle it’s not uncommon for people to have dinner parties, go to pubs and concerts and have weddings that don’t include children and we told people the date many months in advance so most people were able to work out childcare. A few people declined the invitation and we had no problem with that but luckily the people that matter most to us were there.

There is nothing wrong with having an adult-oriented event. Nobody owes your child an invitation and you don’t owe anyone your attendance. Would you insist on bringing your child to a work dinner, late-night pub, rock concert or lecture?

Sausagesausagesausage · 26/01/2022 08:03

She sounds like a nightmare, do what you want OP and I'd just tell her it's a shame she can't make it.

The last wedding I went to there our table had 14 children between us (thankfully it was family children only). Imagine multiplying that out across a150 person wedding.

MintyGreenDream · 26/01/2022 08:04

We did family children only (ds and niece,nephew) and everyone came although we were expecting a few to decline.She can't say it's not fair she's a guest ffs it's not her wedding.

MintyGreenDream · 26/01/2022 08:06

@gobbeldygoook they just brought them without asking? Omg what did you say?

gobbledygoook · 26/01/2022 08:17

[quote MintyGreenDream]@gobbeldygoook they just brought them without asking? Omg what did you say?[/quote]
I smiled on the day to be polite and thought how bloody rude it was after! I'm genuinely still in shock that they did! We ended up with about 15 children.

I'm still annoyed 😂 I was absolutely gutted to be honest, it cost a fortune and was just not the thing I needed to sort out on my wedding day.

rainyskylight · 26/01/2022 08:23

I don’t think it’s off to have only some children. But then we had a “god children and family children” only policy at our wedding. Luckily that was only 4 at the time. The guest is being very nice rude saying that her children should come because the bride’s children are going.

BobHadBitchTits · 26/01/2022 08:25

As someone with two children, child-free weddings are the dream!

I don't particularly enjoy weddings but any excuse for some time away from the fuckers!

BasiliskStare · 26/01/2022 08:29

@BobHadBitchTits - You have really made me laugh there - I am sure you are devoted to the fuckers & they are lovely

LongLive89 · 26/01/2022 08:30

I just got married. Family kids only - 3 plus a baby.

If your friend doesn’t like it, tell her not to come. Sorry but the world does not revolve around her kids on your day.

In hindsight, I would have banned all children from my day. The toddlers screamed through the speeches, were feral during the ceremony running up and down… no parenting to be seen.

YANBU.

BuanoKubiamVej · 26/01/2022 08:32

It's not a child-free wedding though if there are some children there. You of course have every right to invite or uninvite whoever you like and there's no obligation to include her children.

If it's really just a cost issue and there's spare capacity at the venue you could say to your friend that the venue will charge you an extra £40 per child if she brings them along (no exceptions, even if they don't eat/drink) so if she pays for that up front then you can add them to the guest list, but if she brings them without paying for them that would be the end of the friendship.