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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU child-free wedding?

196 replies

flamingomonkey · 26/01/2022 03:58

Partner and I are booking our wedding and are only having children that are immediate family.

I have a friend who has told me she'll be bringing her children as mine will be there so it's unfair not to invite hers.

A mutual friend got married a couple of years back also a child-free wedding and she made the whole thing a nightmare then but as our friend didn't have children herself she accepted it.

I know I'm not being unreasonable to limit children as it keeps the costs down. However I am considering just uninviting her to save myself the headache - would that be unreasonable?

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 26/01/2022 09:38

My DB had a child free wedding but he allowed one of his best men to bring his 3 DD's - all under 10 at the time, youngest just 4. Then one of the guests couldn't get childcare last minute so their granddaughter who they were looking after also 3/4 was invited. And a flower girl who was 10 was invited.

It was ok but we were next to a water pond sort of thing with rocks and it also rained a lot (thanks Somerset in April!) so we were a bit worried about girls falling in. Luckily their dad and his GF kept an eye on them and when bedtime came happily sent them off there!

Gonnagetgoing · 26/01/2022 09:41

[quote BasiliskStare]@ArabellaScott - I agree with that - have the wedding you want but don't get grumpy if some people can't come to it for whatever reason[/quote]
@BasiliskStare - exactly that.

I recall years ago when I was engaged (and almost got married), we were planning the wedding etc and DFiance didn't have any friends with DC then. Now FFW a few years and it'd be havoc. This was back in the day when kids at weddings were common and not banned.

BoodleBug51 · 26/01/2022 09:41

I personally think you either go child free or have them.

Having "selected" children is what pisses people off.

aSofaNearYou · 26/01/2022 09:44

@BoodleBug51

I personally think you either go child free or have them.

Having "selected" children is what pisses people off.

Why though? It makes perfect sense to invite children you know well, but not children you don't, in the same way it makes sense to invite adults you know well, but not adults you don't.
fruitbrewhaha · 26/01/2022 09:49

Where on earth are you getting £10 per head from? Given that weddings cost £20k or more and have about 100 people it's £200 per head (or more).

PurpleDaisies · 26/01/2022 09:50

@BoodleBug51

I personally think you either go child free or have them.

Having "selected" children is what pisses people off.

If you’d read any threads on this you’d see plenty of people pissed off about no children at weddings. People get pissed off at totally child free weddings and close family children only weddings.
FinallyHere · 26/01/2022 09:50

I have a friend who has told me she'll be bringing her children as mine will be there so it's unfair not to invite hers.

What ever I feel about child free weddings,the thing that sticks out here is that this mother is not your friend.

Such entitlement.

Good form of words upthread telling her you understand she won't be able to come. Use it. And quickly.

SoLongDarla · 26/01/2022 09:52

@BoodleBug51

I personally think you either go child free or have them.

Having "selected" children is what pisses people off.

You're actually counting children of the bride and groom as "selected children" - that's honestly so bizarre.
CounsellorTroi · 26/01/2022 09:53

When I got married none of my immediate family or cousins had children and DH is an only. The only children present were DH’s godson and his sister whose parents were close friends of DH.

Your friend is a cheeky mare to assume her children are invited.

PunishmentSnart · 26/01/2022 09:54

She is so rude. Tell her to come without them or not at all.

Imagine getting an invite to somewhere and just adding entra guests that you want there and expecting host to pay/want them there.

BobHadBitchTits · 26/01/2022 09:55

What did her message actually say?

Just curious.

Fatmax22 · 26/01/2022 09:55

Nobody cares what people here think about having children at weddings. Op has decided that there will only be children in close family at her wedding, and that is her choice and fine. So why not either answer her question or don't comment if all you're going to do is say that you think children should be at weddings?
Uninvite her and tell her why Op. Some friend!

Flickflak · 26/01/2022 09:59

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

theemmadilemma · 26/01/2022 10:01

How fucking rude. I'd have replied straight back telling her she was uninvited in that case.

I know it pisses people off, but it is doable. My first wedding was child free except for my SS (grooms son) and my best friends child as she was travelling from abroad (and was the same age and had met SS several times). Due to both numbers and costs. Inviting other family children bumped up the numbers by about 15.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/01/2022 10:03

Absolutely prepared for and accept some people may not want/be able to attend

In that case nothing could be fairer and I'd uninvite her; if you don't I'd say there's a real chance she'll just bring them anyway, claiming a "last minute childcare emergency"

And I doubt you'll have lost much if she strops, since a decent friend wouldn't behave like this in the first place

DaisyMum40 · 26/01/2022 10:03

@BoodleBug51

I personally think you either go child free or have them.

Having "selected" children is what pisses people off.

The bride and groom can select whatever they want for their own wedding.

All kids, no kids, some kids... anyone who doesn't like that - don't go, it's not your event, not your money, not your life.

Beefcurtains79 · 26/01/2022 10:08

BoodleBug51
I personally think you either go child free or have them.

Having "selected" children is what pisses people off.“

What like your own kids or nieces and nephews? Jesus wept.
I’ve realised since reading mumsnet it’s more often the guests who are entitled twats, not the bride and groom.

Kbyodjs · 26/01/2022 10:15

@LovelyQuiche
@RussiasGreatestLoveMachine
@LawnFever
I don’t expect my DC to matter as much to the bride and groom as children in their own family but from experience people did feel bothered by attending a wedding where some children were invited but others weren’t.
Maybe it’s different with my friends but their children are important to me too and don’t just get cut out to keep numbers down.

aSofaNearYou · 26/01/2022 10:16

[quote Kbyodjs]@LovelyQuiche
@RussiasGreatestLoveMachine
@LawnFever
I don’t expect my DC to matter as much to the bride and groom as children in their own family but from experience people did feel bothered by attending a wedding where some children were invited but others weren’t.
Maybe it’s different with my friends but their children are important to me too and don’t just get cut out to keep numbers down.[/quote]
But they'd be wrong to feel that way, if the bride and groom have a close relationship with the invited children and do not with theirs.

Bywayofanupdate · 26/01/2022 10:18

Of course your children will be there it's your wedding 😂 she is a CF, tell her she can go without kids or not at all

MajesticallyAwkward · 26/01/2022 10:20

A polite 'it's only you invited, we won't be able to accommodate your dc as well. I'm sure you understand that we want to keep numbers down and we understand you may not want to, or be able to attend' and leave it.

My mum wanted a mostly child free wedding but invited some of her cousins dc because they were travelling a long way and couldn't leave their dc at home. She was railroaded to include all dc and it ended up costing them a lot more because the guest list increased by 20+ and it ruined her day. She's still a little salty 35 years later.
Have the wedding you want.

BasiliskStare · 26/01/2022 10:34

Am I just very old or did weddings seem to be simpler in the "olden days" - invitations sent out with named people on them and RSVP - & people said Yes thank you or No we can't make it but best wishes.

I typed this before I saw @MajesticallyAwkward's post so apologies to your mum Majestically I am sure she is not old - mine was 26 years ago and am not sure either with mine or any friends or family there was this much discussion or angst.

phoenixrosehere · 26/01/2022 10:37

*I personally think you either go child free or have them.

Having "selected" children is what pisses people off.*

And said people don’t have to go then. As it is constantly said, it’s an invite, not a summons. If it upsets a parent/s that their children aren’t invited then they don’t have to go and if bride and groom are somehow upset by it, then said parents know what kind of people they are dealing with and didn’t waste their time going to their wedding. If guests are trying to dictate who can come to a wedding they are invited to then bride and groom can be happy that such guests are not at their wedding. It goes both ways.

Argealanlea · 26/01/2022 10:43

@BasiliskStare I think it’s actually mumsnet! I’ve never seen so many crazy posters saying theres no way they would go to a wedding if their darling children weren’t invited and cherished as key guests! Plus this ‘if you don’t invite children people will turn down the invite’. No one with children turned down the invite to my child free wedding. I sent out invites to X and Y, they RSVP and that was it. Children weren’t even mentioned!

IncompleteSenten · 26/01/2022 10:53

What if she just shows up on the day with the children? What would you do?

I'd uninvite her to avoid that possibility.

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