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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU child-free wedding?

196 replies

flamingomonkey · 26/01/2022 03:58

Partner and I are booking our wedding and are only having children that are immediate family.

I have a friend who has told me she'll be bringing her children as mine will be there so it's unfair not to invite hers.

A mutual friend got married a couple of years back also a child-free wedding and she made the whole thing a nightmare then but as our friend didn't have children herself she accepted it.

I know I'm not being unreasonable to limit children as it keeps the costs down. However I am considering just uninviting her to save myself the headache - would that be unreasonable?

OP posts:
feelinglowtodayinfertility · 26/01/2022 09:09

@LethargeMarg

It's totally up to you but in my experience it just ends up causing so many arguments and stress if you say no children and as you will see on threads on here you will definitely offend someone - if you can handle that then go for it but personally I would rather just pay a bit extra and risk a few crying kids to not have all the awkwardness
Agree with this, I just don't see it's worth the hassle to be honest. How many kids are talking?
toomuchlaundry · 26/01/2022 09:09

But in our case @LethargeMarg we would have had to change venue if we had invited children due to restriction on numbers

gingerbiscuits · 26/01/2022 09:11

@flamingomonkey

Thank you all.

I did tell her it's an invitation not a summons and if the invitation doesn't suit her she can decline.

Good for you! How rude of her!!

It baffles me when people are this outrageously entitled - they'll be the parents that bring uninvited siblings along to kids birthday parties, too! 😡

SoLongDarla · 26/01/2022 09:13

But it shouldn't be a hassle!!! No one should feel that entitled that theyre outraged and offended their children haven't been invited to something like a wedding. It's ridiculous.

Screams of giving spoilt brats exactly what they want, just to keep the peace, it's ridiculous.

Lou98 · 26/01/2022 09:13

@MakeYourOwnLollies

They cost you £10 per head and if you don't invite them they cost the parents £12 per hour and masses of hassle to leave them. I agree with *@bonetiredwithtwins* that you're just assuming everyone else has an easy setup and a mum like yours. Can't see why a few kids can't come.

She isn't assuming anything, she's already said she wouldn't be offended if people couldn't come because they don't have childcare.

Also, we're in the middle of planning our wedding, we are having kids but I've yet to find anywhere that kids are only £10 per head! It's also not just the friends child, if she invites one friends child she would need to invite them all, there could be loads which would soon bump that number up.

I have a child and one on the way but I personally much prefer going to weddings without them, even when children are invited, even if that means paying for childcare. The friend doesn't need to go if she can't or doesn't want to use child care

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 26/01/2022 09:14

How do people know how much per head a child will be, where is £10 coming from?

I think that person’s wedding reception was at Whetherspoon’s.

FreedomFaith · 26/01/2022 09:15

[quote SoLongDarla]@FreedomFaith 100% what I was thinking. If the mum has this kind of attitude, what will the kids be like...[/quote]
Yep she's got a bratty attitude. Brats raise brats more often than not.

Beefcurtains79 · 26/01/2022 09:15

Kids cost £35 a head at my wedding. I had one person just turn up with theirs anyway, knowing full well it was child free and the venue was at full capacity. The venue didn’t even have chairs for them, it was horrible.

aSofaNearYou · 26/01/2022 09:18

I wouldn't worry about her possibly not coming, I can't see any scenario where she isn't an absolute nightmare with an attitude like that!

OfstedOffred · 26/01/2022 09:18

I love on mnet everyone claims they would be completely fine/understanding of a friend not attending due to childcare issues.

Meanwhile in RL you get grumpy messages from the bride "WHAT?! can't you just get a sitter? You have to come!"

feelinglowtodayinfertility · 26/01/2022 09:20

@OfstedOffred

I love on mnet everyone claims they would be completely fine/understanding of a friend not attending due to childcare issues.

Meanwhile in RL you get grumpy messages from the bride "WHAT?! can't you just get a sitter? You have to come!"

Exactly this. People are talking shite
OfstedOffred · 26/01/2022 09:20

Or my other favourite:
"Yes so the accomodation is 2 nights and we've organised a big meal the night before and a lunch the day after the wedding. Everyone has to pay for two nights.
No, your kids arent invited"

Because everyone has 2 nights/ 50+ hours worth of babysitting readily available to them for their toddlers....

ArabellaScott · 26/01/2022 09:21

The cost of the child is neither here nor there. You are allowed to simply not want to invite children to your wedding. End of. Same way as your invitees are welcome to attend nor not attend.

Yes, sure, but I wish this last bit was a lot clearer.

I've lost friends over this before, because they just could not undesrtand that not everyone can do 'child free', especially babes in arms, breastfeeding, etc, and many people just don't have grandparents to babysit.

Fine, childfree wedding, but please ffs don't get sniffy or try to guilt trip people if some then can't make it.

BasiliskStare · 26/01/2022 09:23

@SoLongDarla Flowers

I could not afford the venue I wanted ( which wasn't a child friendly venue & I was on a tight budget ) if everyone had decided to bring their children along regardless & by the way I think I was allowed to have a quiet wedding. The people who were invited were good friends and close family so a conversation sorted things out. No awkwardness involved.

People have very different ideas of what their wedding day would be like - but I wanted mine and having to prioritise children I did not know was not at the top of my list. Sounds harsh to some - but luckily I only invited people I liked and who liked me ( shorthand for DH & me ) so we could sort this out with our friends and family by friendly conversation.

OfstedOffred · 26/01/2022 09:23

And then the follow up message:

"Groom says your DH said you are only coming one night & staying at premier inn not the venue?! How come? Can't your parents have the kids your breastfed bottle refusing 8 month old for 2 days?

BasiliskStare · 26/01/2022 09:25

@ArabellaScott - I agree with that - have the wedding you want but don't get grumpy if some people can't come to it for whatever reason

aSofaNearYou · 26/01/2022 09:27

People are talking shite

What do you mean people are talking shite? The fact that some brides kick off when people can't come due to childcare doesn't mean others aren't being sincere when they say they would not do that. It is experiencing that and disagreeing with it that compels people to comment on threads like this in the first place.

Squiblet · 26/01/2022 09:28

Are you seriously suggesting a wedding without children isn’t a wedding?
That’s insane, good luck with that

Not really, I just wanted to wind you up Grin Worked, didn't it?

But I was also thinking of a Reddit thread I read last night. An American bride had specified no kids at the wedding, but her husband's best friend, a widower, turned up with his four children in tow. He was a widower and couldn't get childcare. The bride turned him away at the door, even though the husband was pleading for him to be allowed in because he was very dear to the husband. Nearly all the Reddit commentators thought the bride was NBU and the husband was a dick and she should divorce him asap.

SoLongDarla · 26/01/2022 09:28

To be honest, I've never come across a bride and groom who have been shitty about people saying they can't go.

However, I have come across shitty guests who have replied very cheekily to wedding invites, and then taken it badly when they haven't got their own way. I would bet my pension, these people are then giving off saying the bride and groom are the devil! So I take all these comments about bridezillas etc with a pinch of salt. No flame without fire as they say!

irishfarmer · 26/01/2022 09:31

@gobbledygoook where did those extra kids sit? I know my hotel wouldn't have been just able to magic up another 15 places. That is so rude!!

"I have a friend who has told me she'll be bringing her children as mine will be there so it's unfair not to invite hers." it doesn't matter what she thinks is fair! But IMO it isn't unfair. I only had family kids at my wedding and wouldn't have dreamt of inviting other guests kids

Argealanlea · 26/01/2022 09:31

@flamingomonkey it is the norm in Ireland to invite only children of immediate family (if any - most weddings are child free). I had a child free wedding bar my nephew. Most of my friends and cousins had children. No one turned down the invite and all came and had a great time.

You are not being unreasonable and your friend is behaving oddly.

Everyone bleating on about childcare - the op friend said she’s bringing her children as it’s not fair on them not to go if op children are there. So nothing to do with childcare.

budgiegirl · 26/01/2022 09:32

This- I'm not saying that she should bring her DCs along but it's not a child free wedding if children will be there

Perhaps technically that's true, but there's can be a massive difference in inviting a handful of family children, to inviting the children of friends.

We had four children at our wedding, all nieces and nephews. If we had invited the children of friends, we would have had around 35 children - and it would have made a huge difference to both the cost and the dynamic of the whole wedding.

I totally understand why some people want to limit the number of children at a wedding. Several of my friends did the same, by which time I had a baby - I declined a couple of invitations, and went to my best friends wedding on my own, while DH stayed at home with our child. No problem , and no-one guilt tripped me.

thisplaceisweird · 26/01/2022 09:32

"Friend, DH and I have decided to have a child-free wedding, you had told me that you wanted to bring child, so if this means you are now unable to make it, I completely understand"

ArrrMeHearties · 26/01/2022 09:34

My dsis is getting married soon and the only children going are immediate family children and next year my wedding will be the same. I already know one of my friends will not go as she won't leave her kids as they would "miss out on a party and they would be upset"

OMGisthisforreal · 26/01/2022 09:36

Are your parents going to be there, your siblings, other relatives? In that case does she think it would be ok for her to bring her parents and other family members too even though you haven’t invited them?
🤔