Partner asked me how much money I have

[DPsavings]

Should I be honest?

DP and I have been together nearly 18 months and tonight we talked about finances and how we are for credit/savings

I have no debt except a 30% mortgage on my house and about 80k in savings (which would pay off the mortgage should I wish to).
I have a decent defined benefit pension.

Don’t know why but I just feel a bit sketchy about sharing this. AIBU?

[Toasterandjam]

Before you add him to the mortgage, I'd get legal advice (you'll have to anyway to add him). The last thing you want is for him to be added, you split up and he claims half when he hasnt contributed half. There maybe some clause you can put in to say how much he is entitled to. Having said that I probably wouldn't add him at all unless you are very much in a more longer term place in your relationship. Make sure your paperwork showing any of your savings is well hidden away too. I know that on here everyone seems cynical but there's a lot of personal experience on here so its all meant in kindness.

[ChargingBuck]

@houserenohelp

My Dh knows what I have as i class it as ours but property is in my name as was mine before marriage and he's happy with that

Well ... if he were a nefarious DH, (which I'm not suggesting he is, but ...) of course he'd be happy with that.

If you're in the UK, having the property in your own name, whatever you mean by that in detail, doesn't protect you. You married him - half that house belongs to him. If you divorced, & he chose to dig his heels in ... the fact that you owned the house prior to marriage is immaterial. As a negotiation starter, his lawyer would be claiming 50% of it.
Same as yours would be pursuing 50% of his savings, pension etc for you, if he has assets.

[sassbott]

How did he react to that @DPsavings?

Keep an eye on the relationship in general after this convo. With my exp his behaviour started to change when he clocked that I wasn’t going to be forthcoming re finances.

[FooKingDong]

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall

If I almost owned my own house and had 80k in savings then no way would I ever get married . Well not unless they had the same

I own several properties, and have more than that in the bank. I have been with my DP for a long time (don't live together) and there is no way I would marry him. Much as I love him, those assets belong to my adult children, and that is how it's going to stay. DP also has assets, but they belong to his adult children. XH and I did combine financial forces, which made sense as we were young and both had a lot of money and were planning to have children (all our accounts were joint). However, I wouldn't see any reason to do it now, though.

[FooKingDong]

BTW there is NFW I would add anyone to a mortgage unless I was properly combining forces with someone prior to having children and becoming a family unit. Even then, I would probably suggest that I sell my own property and we buy somewhere jointly. There has to be a very good reason to link your finances to someone else's (and I did do this - XH and I were married for 25 years, so I have no problem with it in principle, but there needs to be a good reason. The only really good reason is children).

[Winterflower84]

I would discuss such things openly only with my husband, not partner or boyfriend, no matter what the relationship was like or where we were aiming at.

[XiCi]

Too soon to add him to the mortgage? Why on earth would you add him at all when there is so little to pay off?

[Aquamarine1029]

I really hope you're keeping your eyes wide, WIDE open with this one, op. Don't fuck up your future.

[PurpleCarpets]

@Winterflower84

I would discuss such things openly only with my husband, not partner or boyfriend, no matter what the relationship was like or where we were aiming at.

Frankly it's a bit late by then.

[sassbott]

@Winterflower84

I would discuss such things openly only with my husband, not partner or boyfriend, no matter what the relationship was like or where we were aiming at.

Seriously? And what exactly is it you think is smart about having these convos after marriage?

[MarvellousMonsters]

@DPsavings

We started talking about it in the context of maybe moving in together (him moving in with me) talked about maybe adding him to the mortgage

No. No. No.

Does he have assets? Savings? Or is he going to move into your house and get his name on the mortgage despite not paying towards it before now?

[Fudgemonkeys]

If you tell him how much savings you have, if you're unsure about him, you'll have no idea if he's staying with you for the money or for love. Way to go on the savings BTW!

[GrannytoaUnicorn]

@DukeofEarlGrey

How would you feel if you discovered he didn't tell you he had substantial debt? It's no different. You're lying to your partner

Discovering a partner has substantial debt that you didn't know about is dramatically different from discovering a partner has substantial savings that you didn't know about.

The principle is exactly the same though

[Dindundundundeeer]

How much is he worth?

[Forsure69]

Nop.. don't tell him!

[Dnaltocs]

Agree with others. Don’t tell him. You do have a considerable amount in savings. That’s a lot.

[2bazookas]

@BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation

Don't tell them you have £80K and make sure it's protected should you get married.

If she doesn't trust him enough to discuss money, she shouldn't marry him anyway.

[ChargingBuck]

@XiCi

Too soon to add him to the mortgage? Why on earth would you add him at all when there is so little to pay off?

Quite.

I'm not enamoured with this "too soon" schtick.
I feel OP would have been better served with a direct NO WAY plus an "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" challenge.

At least then, she could have learned something very useful from his response.

I feel that her fudged "not yet" was because she is pandering to him by not wanting to piss him off. OP - I think you should challenge him harder about this. See how he responds.

[RantyAunty]

@DPsavings

Thank you for all of your advice

How much do you know about his financial situation?

[JangolinaPitt]

My STBXH has no idea how much money I have and we we have been married 25 years -always had separate finances. If I form a partnership with someone else on the future though would share the info (mutually) if it were serious/living together/ marriage

[girlmom21]

It's absurd how many people are married and have no idea how much the other person has saved.

I completely get protecting yourself but if a woman ever posts on a thread that her husband refuses to tell her what he earns or what he has saved she gets told it's financial abuse.

What happens when you want to buy a new house or a luxury item? Do you pretend that money doesn't exist just in case you decide to leave one day?

[Dartsplayer]

@girlmom21

It's absurd how many people are married and have no idea how much the other person has saved.

I completely get protecting yourself but if a woman ever posts on a thread that her husband refuses to tell her what he earns or what he has saved she gets told it's financial abuse.

What happens when you want to buy a new house or a luxury item? Do you pretend that money doesn't exist just in case you decide to leave one day?

Totally agree with you

[Regina70]

I am glad the discussion was in the context of you possibly moving in together. However moving in together does not mean the new partner should be added to the mortgage. A simple move would be beneficial for both parties, one side saves on rent, the owner saves on bills as I assume these would be shared? However should you decide to combine assets I would have the house valued, and a proposal drawn for him to buy you out of your half (half the value of your home, not half the value of the mortgage) or an agreed% of the house. To be clear adding him to the mortgage is not splitting the mortgage debt in 2, it is the deposit you paid, the payments you made, the equity you have created. It needs to be based on the current value of your house, you also need to have a clause on 1st right of refusal to buy him back should the relationship sour, so you are not forced to sell. Your house insurance probably has a legal free hot line, I suggest you chat with them about the implications of having someone moving in, adding someone to a mortgage or many solicitors offer a 30 minute free consultation. It is always good to get advice so you can feel protected and free to enjoy life. You have done very well buying a property, which has grown in value and has a minimal mortgage, my suggestion would be to move in together 1st, and see how it works out, then buy a property together on equal terms if you want to take that next step.

[LadyGoddiva]

@girlmom21

It's absurd how many people are married and have no idea how much the other person has saved.

I completely get protecting yourself but if a woman ever posts on a thread that her husband refuses to tell her what he earns or what he has saved she gets told it's financial abuse.

What happens when you want to buy a new house or a luxury item? Do you pretend that money doesn't exist just in case you decide to leave one day?

I agree.

It depends a lot on your ages and circumstances though.

I've always had my own accounts, which I held onto when we married. we have joint accounts too. DH knew roughly how much I had in savings (it's into 6 figures) but not exactly. It wasn't relevant as the mortgage was paid off and it was my own savings pot.

We are now at the stage of inheritance planning and investing with an advisor. All our savings, income, pensions, have to be openly discussed and listed on a spreadsheet.

I agree the OP doesn't need to tell her boyfriend how much she has. But when you are married and making decisions- why ever not?

[LadyGoddiva]

@JangolinaPitt

My STBXH has no idea how much money I have and we we have been married 25 years -always had separate finances. If I form a partnership with someone else on the future though would share the info (mutually) if it were serious/living together/ marriage

But your soon to be ex H will need to know as part of your divorce, surely?