Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner asked me how much money I have

375 replies

DPsavings · 25/01/2022 21:40

Should I be honest?

DP and I have been together nearly 18 months and tonight we talked about finances and how we are for credit/savings

I have no debt except a 30% mortgage on my house and about 80k in savings (which would pay off the mortgage should I wish to).
I have a decent defined benefit pension.

Don’t know why but I just feel a bit sketchy about sharing this. AIBU?

OP posts:
Bogeyes · 27/01/2022 06:45

It sounds as if he has made plans to spend your money

Regina70 · 27/01/2022 10:40

It is a little tricky to comment as we don't have the context. It could be he is serious about you and is starting to think about the next step of your relationship and putting feelers out. It could be he had a bad experience in the past and wanted to check if you were in any heavy debt before moving forward... sadly heavy credit card debts are quite common! I think it is good to do a little due diligence (for both sides) at this stage of your relationship. You are in control though and can keep the information light and generic - good credit score, no debt outside of a mortgage ... focus on the motivation behind the questions, is he asking so you can plan a future together ( buy a house together), out of concern ... Talking about finance can be uncomfortable but it is a normal one in a serious relationship in my view and experience.

Calm33 · 27/01/2022 17:35

You said it - "Don’t know why but I just feel a bit sketchy about sharing this"
SO DON'T
There is something at the back of your mind saying keep it safe keep it secret - anyway why should you tell someone what you have, lets face it most married women save something for a rainy day!

BigYellowHat · 27/01/2022 17:36

You can’t be that serious about him if you don’t want to share this sort of information. Dump him.

Pinkrose1111 · 27/01/2022 17:38

Nope nope nope. Even if you get married never ever tell ANYONE how much money you have. Even your kids. The only person who knows how much money I have is my mother and that's only because I trust her with my life. Hell just start making plans with YOUR money in his head. Always pretend you have less money than your partner. This has always always worked well for me.

Pipsquiggle · 27/01/2022 17:51

Absolutely NO to the mortgage.

When I moved in with my boyfriend now DH we did talk finances but in the context of:

  1. How much did we approximately earn and therefore how much rent we could afford.
  2. We would open a joint account to pay all bills and would both put in the same amount as we earned the same
  3. Did we have any debt? (Neither of us did)

We certainly didn't divulge any savings or if we had any significant assets.

If he moves in, you will need to treat him as a tenant in terms of your property. He has absolutely no rights over it. On the plus side, you will have extra cash and he will have an opportunity to save

It's difficult because at the moment, you don't know if 'he's the one' and you probably won't until you've lived with him. I would hold off telling him about savings and how much mortgage you have paid off until you are really really serious

Sallyrainbow · 27/01/2022 17:52

If he wants half your house he should
Pay for half of it, not half of 30 percent of it . And be mindful of cohabitation laws op.
Otherwise he should pay rent for half the rental value of the property minimum

WutheringHeights66 · 27/01/2022 17:57

DH and I had nothing when we met, but we were 17 so built our entire savings together.

In your situation I wouldn’t share, and I wouldn’t accept a marriage proposal either!

Did he share his finances with you first?

MeridianB · 27/01/2022 17:58

So what is his financial situation OP?

No way in a million years should he be added to your mortgage.

Trust your instincts!

MajorCarolDanvers · 27/01/2022 17:58

You either trust your partner or you don't. And if you don't trust him then the relationship is doomed.

Tamrastarr · 27/01/2022 18:01

LOL how everyone is assuming OP is a woman and DP is a man!!

WutheringHeights66 · 27/01/2022 18:02

@DPsavings

We started talking about it in the context of maybe moving in together (him moving in with me) talked about maybe adding him to the mortgage
Whoooooooooooooooo! Fuck no
Cocomarine · 27/01/2022 18:14

@Tamrastarr

LOL how everyone is assuming OP is a woman and DP is a man!!
@Tamrastarr not sure it warrants an LOL. OP referred to their partner as him, so 50% isn’t an assumption. Statistically it’s more likely to be a woman and a man, even before you add in the fact we know he’s a him, and that this is MN with a predominately female poster base. It doesn’t even matter as the answers are the same. So no LOL required 🤷🏻‍♀️
LoisLane66 · 27/01/2022 18:15

No. Don't add him to anything, no mortgage. Both pay same amount into pot for food, bills incl house insurance - split evenly plus he pays you an amount for 'rent' ie: living in your house, wear and tear. Definitely don't put him on the mortgage. As the house increases in value YOU want to be the sole recipient of that value.
If he was on the mortgage then he'd benefit from the increased value which would be much higher than if he put the same amount in a savings account.
Don't live to regret decisions made in the heat of the moment or the first flush of 'love'.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 27/01/2022 18:17

Don't get married...ever. You can't afford a divorce.

joles12 · 27/01/2022 18:17

I think the question perhaps you should be asking is - does this relationship have a future? There is clearly an element of mistrust here.
I cannot see any upside in adding him to your mortgage.

ManicPixie · 27/01/2022 18:18

I think if you’re at the point where it’s a long term serious relationship it’s fair enough to at least ask about debt. Could be a deal breaker for some of its a lot.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 27/01/2022 18:20

For christs sake NEVER put him on the mortgage. My friend made the huge mistake of doing that. He left her for another woman a while later and took half her house. She can't afford another one and is near retirement.
Whether you are a man or a woman ALWAYS use your head never your heart when planning your future.
These are your life savings.

Nomorepastry · 27/01/2022 18:23

I've been with my partner since 2015, although we don't live together. He's never felt the need to ask how much money I've got, nor is it any of his business. Same for him

Bortles · 27/01/2022 18:23

I'd say, I have no debt to worry about and a bit of stuff saved. I'd be vague and if pressed, I'd say, I'm looking for a relationship where we both contribute equally and any extra is our own. If pressed further - I'd ask why he wants to know?

PandorasMailbox · 27/01/2022 18:24

@DPsavings

We started talking about it in the context of maybe moving in together (him moving in with me) talked about maybe adding him to the mortgage
NO NO NO NO NO!! With bells on!
PurpleCarpets · 27/01/2022 18:25

@joles12

I think the question perhaps you should be asking is - does this relationship have a future? There is clearly an element of mistrust here. I cannot see any upside in adding him to your mortgage.
There is a massive upside to adding him to the mortgage. He becomes jointly responsible for the payments. He has no claim over her house.
CrimbleCrumble1 · 27/01/2022 18:28

Don’t tell him what you have, don’t add him to the mortgage. Please, please, please don’t. You are in a really good financial position.

curmudgeonly007 · 27/01/2022 18:28

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Don't get married...ever. You can't afford a divorce.
All men should be told this before leaving school
ListeningButNotHearing · 27/01/2022 18:28

Protect yourself and stop being so naive.