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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner asked me how much money I have

375 replies

DPsavings · 25/01/2022 21:40

Should I be honest?

DP and I have been together nearly 18 months and tonight we talked about finances and how we are for credit/savings

I have no debt except a 30% mortgage on my house and about 80k in savings (which would pay off the mortgage should I wish to).
I have a decent defined benefit pension.

Don’t know why but I just feel a bit sketchy about sharing this. AIBU?

OP posts:
80sMum · 26/01/2022 09:48

As you're neither married to this person, nor planning to be married to them, I don't think your personal financial situation is any of their business, to be honest. If you don't feel comfortable sharing your wealth statistics, then don't.

Staryflight445 · 26/01/2022 09:48

‘We started talking about it in the context of maybe moving in together (him moving in with me) talked about maybe adding him to the mortgage’

Why would you do that op? If you’re going to move in together, I’d use some of your savings as a deposit and change your mortgage and insurance so you can rent it out.

I wouldn’t tell him the full scale of your savings. I’d probably say something like 5-10k.

The fact he wants to be added to your mortgage I’d say is a bit of a red flag tbh.

Staryflight445 · 26/01/2022 09:49

By the time you’ve added him onto your mortgage etc he’d only be entitled to 15% anyway so it’s absolutely pointless.

Crazycatlady83 · 26/01/2022 09:49

Adding him to your mortgage equals giving him half your house. Happy with this...?

Boood · 26/01/2022 09:50

@Stravaig

One step at a time. If you're wary of sharing this info, then that's where you are in your relationship. Explore why, by yourself, or with him too. That's the emotional relationship part.

Listen to every wise comment here about protecting your assets! That's the practical safeguarding your financial independence part.

This ^^

Of course you need to protect yourself, and everyone has already told you not to add him to the mortgage.
But if you’re serious about the relationship, at some point you will need to have an open and honest conversation about money. You need to know what the situation is- are you in similar positions? Do you have the same attitude to saving, spending, borrowing and risk? You need to know that the person you’re throwing your lot in with can be trusted, and so does he. If you don’t even trust him enough to talk to him about money (and you may be absolutely right, none of us can know that) that should be ringing alarm bells and you should examine that really carefully before you commit any more to the relationship.

Dubgirl1212 · 26/01/2022 09:54

@Pky45, you must live a very sheltered life. Not everything is black and white in life. It's really not unusual. Your in the minority.

Curiousmouse · 26/01/2022 09:55

OP disappeared quickly.

BoredZelda · 26/01/2022 09:57

I don't think OP is coming back.

flashy44 · 26/01/2022 10:00

No,never disclose your savings.

SmellyOldOwls · 26/01/2022 10:01

If he fancies half your house and money he can marry you can't he.

Guacamole001 · 26/01/2022 10:02

Only tell people if they are similarly loaded.

Pky45 · 26/01/2022 10:03

@Dubgirl1212. Well enjoy your super secret bank accounts 😂😂

hazelnutlatte · 26/01/2022 10:03

Have I missed a post from the OP? Why are so many people assuming that this man is a scrounger who is going to steal the OP's money? They are considering moving in together so he has asked her about her finances - this seems a reasonably sensible thing to ask assuming he is going to disclose his own financial situation too. Then they can work out a fair arrangement. Obviously the OP shouldn't add him to the mortgage unless he is able to contribute half of the equity - but how are either of then going to know how to proceed if the OP doesn't tell her partner how much equity she has?

Guacamole001 · 26/01/2022 10:04

No way add him to the mortgage either! A good way of losing cash.

toddybell · 26/01/2022 10:05

@DPsavings

We started talking about it in the context of maybe moving in together (him moving in with me) talked about maybe adding him to the mortgage
WHAT?!

DO NOT DO THIS. EVER.

BarbaraofSeville · 26/01/2022 10:06

Yep, fully agree, the double standards brigade are out in full force

Funniest thread was one where the OP wanted to keep a similar amount of savings secret from a female partner and a lot of the posters didn't pick up that it was actually a same sex relationship.

Half the replies assumed the OP was a financially abusive man rather than a savvy woman Grin.

Staryflight445 · 26/01/2022 10:07

He wants to be added to his mortgage, that is what op means by moving in together @hazelnutlatte

Staryflight445 · 26/01/2022 10:07

To ops mortgage’

GrannyWeatherwaxsHatpin · 26/01/2022 10:12

Years ago when I first met my ex, I naively told him about some money I had in my bank account (a couple of grand). Which he promptly set about spending. Of course, he was very good at justifying why it was my "turn" to pay for something (either very much not my turn, or something he wanted and I didn't) or why I should pick up the tab. It was the canary in the coalmine and I ignored it.

I loved him, I trusted him. I was an idiot. He repeatedly caused me money problems over the years by trying to engineer a situation where I was short of cash and therefore reliant on him, partly (I suspect) because he was insecure and wanted to know I 'needed' him but also because he disapproved of the things on which I spent my money (hobbies etc) and this was his way of trying to ensure I only spent on things he agreed with. He then ripped me off when we split up.

It was all fairly minor, in the grand scheme of things, but I sure as hell learned my lesson good and hard. Now, many years down the line, I have a fairly large value of assets in terms of pensions, equity, savings etc. and absolutely NO WAY would I put that at risk, no matter how much I loved someone.

PurpleCarpets · 26/01/2022 10:13

We started talking about it in the context of maybe moving in together (him moving in with me) talked about maybe adding him to the mortgage

WHAT?!

DO NOT DO THIS. EVER.

Ok, now it's definitely parody Grin

DoTheMerengue · 26/01/2022 10:16

I wouldn’t share the info, no.

We’ve been together for six years, married for three. We have a joint bank account that we pay a fixed amount into every month. That’s used for bills and joint expenses. Everything else is our own business. We know each other’s salary and if we get a bonus but that’s about it.

theemmadilemma · 26/01/2022 10:20

DO NOT ADD HIM TO THE MORTGAGE. Unless you want to empty your bank account and give him that as well as the house?

NO. He moves in and he pays £0 towards the mortgage. Nothing, nada. Been here twice. And twice I protected my house, my money and twice I walked away far better off for doing so, with my house.

You can also look to have a solicitor draw up a 'Living Together' agreement. These lay out each persons input to the property and what this means for them. In my case with my first husband he did pay rent and this laid out that he did not have to contribute to maintenance of the house etc., but that his payment of rent did not constitute payment towards the mortgage and he signed away rights to pursue my house. That was of course void on marriage, but helpful none the less on divorce.

In the second situation I simply refused all rent and accepted half of the bills only so that it was clear no payment toward the mortgage had been paid. (We're still together and I sold said house which allowed us to buy this one together with a substantial deposit which I have also protected with legal documentation.)

CaptainMyCaptain · 26/01/2022 10:49

@gunnersgold

What is he bringing to the table? Must be so tricky starting later in life . Me and dh had nothing between us when we started out! 🙈
That's why we don't share that information as we both had assets and I had a grown up daughter. We had expenses share between us and pay equal amounts into a joint account. It's different if you are young and starting out together.
Allsorts1 · 26/01/2022 11:02

It’s weird that you find it sketchy? Does he have a similar amount in savings/earning potential as you do? I can’t see why this would be sketchy for you unless you think he might be a freeloader, in which case why is he your partner at all?

Me and my DP discussed how much money we had at about the 3 year mark but we are both incredibly reserved about that sort of stuff and I found it a bit weird that we had kept so mum about it. Once we got it all out in the open it was much nicer and we can now start making realistic plans together!

Unless there is a massive back story I’m not sure why you wouldn’t share this? It’s not like you’re secretly sitting on £30 million and worried he’s after you for your money?

Cosmos123 · 26/01/2022 11:08

When relationships fail love ❤ goes ot the window.
And usually lots are spend on solicitors trying to save the money invested.

Therefore makes sense to be careful.