@DPsavings
We started talking about it in the context of maybe moving in together (him moving in with me) talked about maybe adding him to the mortgage
Don’t know why but I just feel a bit sketchy about sharing this. AIBU?
YANBU!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you are feeling sketchy about it my dear, that sketchy feeling is coming from somewhere. Listen to it, & please listen to all the wise PP I haven't even caught up with yet, because I am so horrified that you have to ask, that I've only stopped long enough to read your updates.
DPSavings, this sketchy feeling - is it somewhat akin to what a prize sow might feel about being prodded & sized up just before being hauled off to the abattoir? Because that's how it's made me feel, & I'm not even having to endure it in person ...
DO NOT ADD HIM TO YOUR MORTGAGE.
Until you have at least known him a lot longer & your sketchy feeling has disappeared.
If you get to that point - STILL DO NOT ADD HIM TO YOUR MORTGAGE until you have posted here, linking this original thread, & asked for a sense-check - &, independently of your b/f, had a long discussion with a highly qualified financial advisor.
Couples are meant to move in because they love each other & want to make each other's lives better. Not because one of them is eyeing up the other's assets (ooer missus) & appraising their bank balance.
Obviously, when arriving at the cohabitation discussions, there needs to be a strong element of financial disclosure. But as you haven't mentioned his coming clean about HIS assets - or lack of them - I'm getting the awful heeby-jeebies that this is nothing to do with disclosure, & everything to do with casing the joint.
Your man sounds like a cocklodger in waiting.
Cocklodgers are stealth burglars, OP.
They start off by robbing a woman's heart by making promises they will never keep.
They then start on her home, her money, her self-worth, & ultimately her ability to even see that she has shouldered the entire load for some smooth-talking bastard who wants an easy ride.
It can take YEARS for a cocklodged woman to find enough of her old, independent self to wake up to what he has done, & by then - whammo "but I'm on the mortgage, you'd need to buy me out, it will cost you, I'm not going easily, if you dare split up with me I will ruin you financially with lawyers" - all of these are real-life quotes OP.
Read those quotes again. How do you feel when you imagine them being said to/screamed at you? FFS do NOT hand over your autonomy like this.
Your b/f may be for real.
But the fact that your sketchy-radar had fired up means he quite possible is not. You don't know him well enough to make that assessment. Give it at least another 2 years.
Incidentally - has he volunteered any of his own financial info yet?
We are 12 pages in now, & I can't see that you have said so: I'm therefore pretty much assuming that he feels it's ok to size you up like this before (or even without) coming clean himself.
BE VERY VERY WARY.