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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner asked me how much money I have

375 replies

DPsavings · 25/01/2022 21:40

Should I be honest?

DP and I have been together nearly 18 months and tonight we talked about finances and how we are for credit/savings

I have no debt except a 30% mortgage on my house and about 80k in savings (which would pay off the mortgage should I wish to).
I have a decent defined benefit pension.

Don’t know why but I just feel a bit sketchy about sharing this. AIBU?

OP posts:
Rightyouarelove · 26/01/2022 11:26

Please please do no add him to your mortgage. Why would that be needed? Honestly, it’s a terribly idea. You’re in a wonderful position. Charge him so rent and if you do decide to move and buy together, have a very clear trust deed put in place x

DontBlameMe79 · 26/01/2022 11:30

Can anyone explain what “putting him on the mortgage” means.

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 26/01/2022 11:31

I would t nessessarily disclose the 80k savings, particularly if you don’t want to share it. But at least you are having this conversation. Finances are a big part of a relationship and planning for the mid to long term is a great sign of commitment. So maybe just admit to the pension but not the big savings pot.

Rightyouarelove · 26/01/2022 11:31

Usually it means adding his name so he jointly owns the equity in the house. Though that’s not the only way - I forget the name but you can own different proportions via a trust deed arrangement.

DontBlameMe79 · 26/01/2022 11:34

@Rightyouarelove

Usually it means adding his name so he jointly owns the equity in the house. Though that’s not the only way - I forget the name but you can own different proportions via a trust deed arrangement.
So OP is selling half the house to him? If he pays market rate where is the financial problem with that ?
Rightyouarelove · 26/01/2022 12:05

@DontBlameMe79 different situation if OP is happy and they buy in. However, even then, if things go pear shaped it all becomes difficult (not to say for a moment they will but when OP is feeling the ick with talking about these things now….). They may want to sell, OP may not. Personally, when you’re doing as well as OP is then I would protect every option and bit of security. Obviously, totally personal choice and based on the relationship and other person’s financial sitch.

Santahasjoinedww · 26/01/2022 12:08

Him potentially moving on doesn't make it his house. His home is imo a different matter. Given you don't really know someone until you live with them maybe suggest 2 years on you can chat again. He sounds like a cf to me.

Youdoyoutoday · 26/01/2022 12:13

adding him to your mortgage??
Fuck no!

I'm about to marry my DP and his name is not on my mortgage! When I sell, we will buy a place in both our names!

Nowayoutonlydown · 26/01/2022 12:18

Like others have said... if you want to disclose anything, "I've got 3 months of basic living expenses put aside... thank god with the covid situation still being what it is!"
Why? ...

Always keep guarded with anyone about money if they are interested in your finances.

TrufflesAndToast · 26/01/2022 12:18

@Youdoyoutoday

adding him to your mortgage?? Fuck no!

I'm about to marry my DP and his name is not on my mortgage! When I sell, we will buy a place in both our names!

Hopefully you realise that marrying him makes it pretty much null and void whose name is on the mortgage…!
Blossomtoes · 26/01/2022 12:28

@Youdoyoutoday

adding him to your mortgage?? Fuck no!

I'm about to marry my DP and his name is not on my mortgage! When I sell, we will buy a place in both our names!

Better make sure you find some way of protecting it then. It’s half his the moment you sign the register.
uncomfortablydumb53 · 26/01/2022 12:56

Don't breathe a word!
It's none of his business and if he asked this outright, he's very rude.
I'd only disclose(and did) when we considered a joint mortgage and from bitter experience, I should've ringfenced my money( and not married him!)

uncomfortablydumb53 · 26/01/2022 12:59

Gosh no Don't add him to your mortgage! Protect yourself
His only contribution should be food and bills( keep them in your name)

Nowayoutonlydown · 26/01/2022 13:45

....and no definitely don't add him to your mortgage.

PurpleCarpets · 26/01/2022 13:50

So OP is selling half the house to him? If he pays market rate where is the financial problem with that ?

I think it boils down to him being male Grin

TyrannosaurusRegina · 26/01/2022 13:56

Add him to the mortgage?? Absolutely not! While you're at it, why not just add his name on to your 80k savings account, make it joint savings? So that he can scuttle off with half your house and 40k if things go tits up...

Youdoyoutoday · 26/01/2022 14:21

We will be buying a new place together after the wedding anyway

Youdoyoutoday · 26/01/2022 14:26

However, I'm in a long term relationship with kids, getting married, so of course, mine and DPs finances will be entwined and we've spoken about it, made wills, life insurances policies naming each other as benefactors.

OP is obviously uncomfortable discussing this with her DP so not really in the same place hence why she shouldn't add her DP to her mortgage or disclose her finances to him.

MananaTomorrow · 26/01/2022 14:46

I have to say I dint get the reactions on this thread.

As a woman settling down with a partner, I’d want to know what is his financial situation.
A partner who has savings is telling me something about his attitude to money. So is the fact he has debts.
Someone who has bought a house vs renting is also telling me something about solvability (of course also depending on history, wages, health etc…)

Someone who is NOT telling me or HIDING stuff is telling me about trust and whether they are trusting me or not. Whatever that is tbh.
But if someone is nit wanting to talk about their rape/CSA etc… that’s not the same than someone who is not wanting to talk about the fact they are in debt, previous bankruptcy etc…

Same with savings tbh. It even makes less sense because obviously the partner will not have access to those savings whereas debts will have a massive impact on how much disposable income one has (and it’s an important thing to take into account when you move in together).

For me it’s a bit mind boggling tbh.

HollowTalk · 26/01/2022 15:43

But the OP is the one with a house - it sounds as though he wants to know exactly how much she has. I could understand it better if she wanted to know what he had.

cakewench · 26/01/2022 15:50

OP, I've been married almost 18 years, and while I generally know what money DH has, that's because he's informed me over time, in a natural fashion (ie after inheritances, or when discussing taxes, etc). I've never asked him, nor has he asked me about money from my family. I have no doubt that if I went to ask him now he would of course tell me, but that's not really the point.

What kind of conversation were you having when he asked how much money you have? Who was it that suggested adding him to your mortgage? I assume it was him. If it was you, I'd HIGHLY recommend not doing that, especially given how you've already got most of it paid off.

lynxca16 · 26/01/2022 16:10

No - just No

Why in heck would you even consider adding him to your mortgage?

Now he may be lovely, kind, good in bed and compliment you all the time - still would not consider doing this for anyone.

If you add him to your mortgage, it gives the OP ability to apply for loans secured on your house value.

He is discussing moving in with you while dictating the terms and conditions - he comes out way better financially.

MananaTomorrow · 26/01/2022 16:55

@HollowTalk

But the OP is the one with a house - it sounds as though he wants to know exactly how much she has. I could understand it better if she wanted to know what he had.
Why do you understand why she wanted to know how much he has but not the other way around?

The fact he is moving in with her is not here nor there (well as long as she doesn’t put him on the mortgage!!). If things go wrong, it will still be her house.

VioletOcean · 26/01/2022 17:33

I’d reply £3.30 how much have you got. Definitely wouldn’t tell him, even if you think he’s the one…

iklboo · 26/01/2022 17:38

'More than Ghandi, less than Croesus'