Partner asked me how much money I have

[DPsavings]

Should I be honest?

DP and I have been together nearly 18 months and tonight we talked about finances and how we are for credit/savings

I have no debt except a 30% mortgage on my house and about 80k in savings (which would pay off the mortgage should I wish to).
I have a decent defined benefit pension.

Don’t know why but I just feel a bit sketchy about sharing this. AIBU?

Not too often on mumsnet that there is such an emphatic response on one side. Bit frustrating the op hasnt provided more context. For my tuppenth worth, if he asked you straight out to give him 50k would you be good with this? unconcerned ?

Or could you imagine yourself asking someone to do this for you ? Personally I would expect to be told to foff at the mere suggestion.

If you have told him your financial worth, and have said no to his 'offer'....if he gives you some grief then that will tell you what you need to know, no reasonable person would even consider asking to do this.

If it were me ....no way in hell, no matter if he told me he was a millionaire, you've worked hard for your independence dont throw it away.

If I almost owned my own house and had 80k in savings then no way would I ever get married . Well not unless they had the same

Why are any of you together if you do not trust each other being 100% transparent about finances? That's a red flag for future distrust, lying, and eventually breaking up.

So I take it he expects to know your net worth, but didn't feel he needed to reciprocate, OP?

Are you going to go along with that?
Are you so keen on cohabiting that you are happy for things to start off on this unequal footing? (I mean the disclosure at this stage, not who has what money).

I have a horrible feeling he is testing your Shark Cage. Please try very hard not to be over-accommodating.
www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Please make sure he signs a legal document declaring that he has no claim on your home if he does move in.

Again OP, be very very careful.

Adding him to a 70% paid morgage is so beyond preposterous.

I think the Shark cage analogy has NEVER been so apt.

Buyer be VERY aware.

Lots of misinformation here

The mortgage is the debt

The deeds confer ownership.

Just because you're on the mortgage does not mean you own the house. It means you are liable for the debt.

How did he react to you saying too early to put him on the mortgage OP?
Don't marry him without ring fencing your home with a lawyer.
Did he disclose his assets and debts?
I'd want half the equity in the house paid by him before adding his name to he mortgage or deeds.

@BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation

Don't tell them you have £80K and make sure it's protected should you get married.

Please don't follow this advice and lie/omit important details to your partner.

What’s his current living situation?

@userxx

Nope, it's not his business. My oh has no idea what I've got and I'm keeping it that way.

Nice foundation for a healthy honest relationship

How would you feel if you discovered he didn't tell you he had substantial debt? It's no different. You're lying to your partner

@Santahasjoinedww

My dh has no idea I have savings...

I'm honestly staggered at how many of your are lying to your partners

I think that 80K information should be available to any and all who are you are 100% happy and confident about sharing it with (not him)

@DPsavings

We started talking about it in the context of maybe moving in together (him moving in with me) talked about maybe adding him to the mortgage

Nooooo!

Strongly advise against this if you're not legally protected and committed to each other.

I would not tell him. It's your privste business. If you were going to both go harvies on anything just work out the equal cost thereof and ask if each can afford.
Its way too early to trust him on that level. Protect yourself - I've been burned before!

If you want him to move in OP why dont you suggest he pay you half the mortgage and write it all down this way if anything was to happen he cant take half of your house which you have paid for..

My Dh knows what I have as i class it as ours but property is in my name as was mine before marriage and he's happy with that

i even said to my solicitor the other day that i couldn't believe that people don't have a plan b (i.e. get out plan).

i wouldn't have had a get out plan if it wasn't for mumsnet.

protect yourself. (says me stating the blindingly obvious)

I think that if I felt like this after 18 months I would be re-thinking the relationship either with a view to ending it because I didn't trust them, or with a realisation that I just didn't know him well enough, and wanting to meet his friends and family more to get to know him better.

I would also finish with someone who didn't feel they could be completely honest with me.

I am really surprised by some of these answers. Not saying they are wrong but definitely that I do things differently and have high expectations in relation to trust and honesty!

@withoutawordofalie

LadyGodivva We are both tenants in common so if one of us dies the other lives in the house until they die and then the house is split between our children We have a will leaving any money we have to each other. We paid deposits on houses for our grown up children years ago to avoid inheritance tax (Its over 7 years ago) They had their inheritance when they need it. They will inherit our house when we are gone. What is Bizarre about that.?

Have I got the wrong poster @withoutawordofalie?

Apologies if so.

I don't need to know your financial circumstances in detail (which, as it happens mirror mine!)

You said that your husband didn't know how much you had in savings and you didn't know his, and you didn't want him to know.

That's what is bizarre, not whether you are tenants in common, or paid your kids some money, or what they will inherit.

Why do you not want your H to know?

Oh, and also @withoutawordofalie I assume you know your house will not increase in value before you die, as if it does you may well have to pay IHT.

Certainly for me, having given away money to the children, we are still well over the IHT limit, as housing where I live has, and is, rocketing in value.

Do not share and protect your assets!

Cohabitation agreement. He pays rent at X and a proportion of bills. End of. No need to involve mortgage etc. He's not buying into the property. He gets no equity in it. You need to be able to say you're ringfencing your house without fear of fallout.

@DPsavings

Hi all,

Thought I’d share an update. So I took your advice and just explained to DP that I don’t have debt with the exception of the mortgage and I assumed that was all he needed to know I.e you’re not committing to someone in a bad debt situation (as I do kind of understand why you would want to know that).

I told him I feel it’s a bit too early to add him to the mortgage yet, but if he wanted to move in and split bills with not being on the mortgage (or paying towards it) then we can discuss that.

Good update. I have the same questions as @glitterfarts How did he take what you said @DPsavings and has he wanted to return to the subject or further question your reasons beyond what you told him? His reaction would be quite telling.

I may have missed it but what level of disclosure did he offer you about his own finances (and financial history)?

How would you feel if you discovered he didn't tell you he had substantial debt? It's no different. You're lying to your partner

Discovering a partner has substantial debt that you didn't know about is dramatically different from discovering a partner has substantial savings that you didn't know about.