AIBU? Friend not celebrating my pregnancy

[mama29482]

My best friend found out she was pregnant last autumn after trying for a year, I was so thrilled for her, sent flowers the day after she told me the news, made her a pregnancy hamper, showered her with love, checked in on her every day to see how she's getting on. I asked if she'd be happy for me to think about baby showers for her when she's further along and started sharing ideas with her.

Once my friend conceived I told her that I wanted to start trying and she was very supportive. She knew I was holding off for her to get pregnant (I already have a toddler who I conceived with straight away so thought it could possibly happen again). She was fine up until I conceived in the first cycle, due 2 months after her. She seemed in shock that I was pregnant when I told her and I think some of it could be that it was so quick for us vs her journey.

A few months on, despite me still checking in on her almost every day she doesn't ask how I'm doing or return any of the love and support I give her. I don't expect gifts like I gave her but as an example we're planning a meal out as a big group and I asked if she had any cravings or aversions so we could decide around that, but she didn't ask about me. She's the type of person who would normally make a big deal about this (and did for my engagement), so feels like she's consciously not celebrating my pregnancy. This is my best friend of 15 years so I was expecting her to be excited we'd be on Mat leave together and experience this together.

My pregnancy is for me, but AIBU to feel a bit disappointed in her?

I have been you OP.
I fell pregnant the month after my best friend (ex) we had both been trying for a few years. Unfortunately she had a miscarriage a week after I found out I was expecting.

She talked to me briefly over my 9 months but I was very sensitive about it. I didn't really talk about it and my pregnancy was downplayed and I didn't have a shower etc to not hurt her feelings.

When my baby was 1 years old. I found out I was pregnant. When I told friend she was happy and a few weeks later.. she finally got her BfP again. We celebrated a lot. It was beautiful. I made sure it was all about her! (After all it was my 2nd)

Our babies were due a week within each other. She had her son first.. a day later, while she was still in hospital in post natal. I was admitted and ended up having a stillborn.

She ignored me, even though we was in the same building, not even a text. I put it down to the fact she's in her baby bubble and tbh I didn't want to dampen her parade so I let it go.

After 2 months still nothing from her.
She finally messaged me saying "something always happens to take the spotlight away from me and of course your baby died!
Way to put icing on top of it all to ruin my baby's birth"

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I even thought maybe she's post partum and depressed and convinced myself she didn't mean it.

It dawned on me, the same effort I put in, was never returned. And I never messaged her again. I've since had another child and she tried to congratulate me on Facebook.

Sorry for the post but it felt good to get it out my system again.
You honestly sound like a lovely person and you clearly value your friendship that you even put your plans on hold to cater to her feelings! But honestly it's not even appreciated.
Just pull back a little and don't put 500 percent into this friendship if you don't even get 25 percent back!

@LalaMelyn

You were "holding off for her to get pregnant"

What?!?

Exactly! How bloody odd!!

@thegirlwiththelongblackhair
Oh my goodness, I can't believe she said that. I'm so sorry For your loss... and for that reaction from your friend.

@T00Ts

There have been some unbelievably spiteful replies in this thread. Some posters seemed to fallen all over themselves to write a single line of vitriol, just for fun, because there’s safety in numbers.

Well, you’ve all upset a pregnant woman who was trying to be a kind and true friend. She’s not done anything with ill intent, unlike so many on here.

And if making pregnant women cry is how you get your jollies, you should probably have a ponder over why that is.

Well said!

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP.

@teaandchocolate1

"She would always come over when DD was in bed..."

Is it normal to have friendships like that where your friend always comes over after your child is in bed?

I don't know, maybe I'm abnormal, but my 17 month old son is in bed now sleeping and I couldn't imagine having a friend over now. I don't think my husband would be too happy either if there was always another person at our house in the evening.

Yes... it's perfectly normal to see friends with no child in tow.

You're still a person in your own right

Congratulations OP! Hope you're doing ok & you & friend both have easy pregnancies. 💐

I can’t believe planning my family around when my friend is pregnant.

You do sound a bit intense to be honest.

She finally messaged me saying "something always happens to take the spotlight away from me and of course your baby died! Way to put icing on top of it all to ruin my baby's birth"

What’s. The. Fuck.

What an absolute bitch!

@thegirlwiththelongblackhair words fail me. I am so sorry for your loss.

@thegirlwiththelongblackhair
What a horrible thing for your 'friend' to do.
Says everything you need to know about her. Move on and don't give her another thought xxx

OP - A PP has already mentioned this, but please don't underestimate the impact of long-term TTC.

I have been TTC for almost 2 years now, and a month ago my DSis told me she was 'shocked, but happy', as she is pregnant with her fourth (this pregnancy was not planned for her). When I received her text, I instantly jumped from my sofa, and clapped and cheered, and then fell back down a few seconds later and sobbed (I'm thrilled to bit for another niece or nephew, but my DSis now has four, and seems to just look at a guy and falls pregnant, and DH and I are struggling to even have 1 ...).

I honestly never thought I could have two such contrasting emotions at the same time - I am genuinely happy for my DSis, but at the same time, upset for myself. I am still involved with my DSis however, and text her on the morning of the scan, and wished her luck, and asked her to send me over a picture etc later.

I know the situation is different for you and your friend - she is now pregnant. However, I'd imagine the impact of TTC is still partially there. You falling pregnant again so quickly, is probably just highlighting to her, the struggles she had.

However, that is not your fault/issue, and something that she needs to learn how to deal with and be happy for you. As for her refusing to see your child, whilst she was TTC - that's just utterly ridiculous. I say this as someone who is struggling to TTC myself - it is not the child's fault (or the parents' fault!), and all she is doing is potentially damaging a relationship that she could have with your child.

@thegirlwiththelongblackhair - sorry, what? Did I just read that correctly? I'm absolutely horrified that a person could say that to another human being, let alone their own friend! What a nasty, nasty woman.

OP you found like an absolutely wonderful friend. She is lucky to have you. Some people here seem to be unable to surround their honest/harsh take with more supportive words. But it's also that they are busy, on their phone, not great at typing, brusque people who dont realise etc. They may be potentially jealous that they don't have a friend like you and/or threatened that they are not as attentive a friend as you. I'm so sorry it's made you cry! Big hug.

I completely understand your feelings - and also the perspective of your friend. Has it often been a bit one sided or is this the first time it's felt everything was about her?

I agree with posters who say that she is probably feeling alone on this journey just because it's your second and it was so easy to get pregnant again. And perhaps she's also scared of something going wrong and doesn't want to get too shar-y and celebratory due to that fear. And that because of all that she just can't act like you're doing something together? It's very focused on herself, but that's often what pain does to you.

I hope it's not been too hard to have this shift in what seems like a really close friendship. After this is over, I suspect and hope that you will be able to be close again. I hope both your pregnancies go really well.

I think your friend is probably overwhelmed by being showered with love, gifts and daily check ins from you just because she’s pregnant.

Maybe she feels you’re gloating that you conceived so easily when it took her a year?

Being pregnant together sounds nice in theory, but this is her first child and so a more special, new experience for her. As you’re due 2 months after it takes away from her experience a bit.

Perhaps she’d planned to spend Mat leave making new friends, going to groups and now feels you expect her to hang out with her and your toddler and baby instead?

Perhaps she just wanted to enjoy being centre of attention (a year of TTC is stressful) and now feels you’ve taken that away by conceiving so soon after her?

@ChezChicken

Your friend found it unbearable to see her best friends baby when she had only been trying for 1 year? That's incredibly self absorbed. It took me 18+ months each time and while it was a difficult time I loved to cuddle my friends' babies. What's wrong with people? Same as the other thread with the manager who has never had children and who is awful to pregnant employees, what a bitter twisted cow. There is something seriously wrong with someone who is unable to be around a small baby after trying for a few months. It's screams 'me' me' 'me'.

I'm also gobsmacked that you waited TTC so not to overshadow your friend's pregnancy. Your loyalty should Beto your husband and children first not some childhood BFF.

The "bitter twisted cow" on that thread had gone through IVF and baby loss and was "awful" to pregnant employees by suggesting that they have some consideration around bringing their babies into the office.

There is a big, big difference between "it took me a while to conceive" and "I cannot/could not conceive and will never have my own kids".

I think it's incredibly self-absorbed to consider your own pregnancy of such importance that it automatically overrides other people's trauma, and that anyone who doesn't fall into line with that expectation is bitter and twisted.

You are very full on OP!

Blimey, there are some unpleasant responses here.

OP, you sound kind, caring and - unlike many of us jaded vipers on here - sweet.

Tbh, I am not sure this friendship is all together equal. Within only a year of trying she would avoid seeing your baby, and whilst I find it odd you would even suggest putting off ttc2, she didn't oppose it from what you have written.

Don't be upset. Congratulations on baby number 2. Focus on your own family and pregnancy is my advice.

Your bestie doesn't sound that nice. She would only come round when your child was in bed. Wtf is that all about.

This^^ She doesn't sound very nice. You sound like a good friend OP.

My guess would be she was over the moon to finally be pregnant and wanted to be the centre of attention for a while but now you have taken the shine off her somewhat. It’s petty and childish but I suspect that’s the case. She’s probably also pissed off that you got pregnant so quickly with such little effort.

I know it’s irrational but I was very upset when my DH’s best friend’s partner fell pregnant shortly after our DS was born. Our DS was born after three very horrible miscarriages so we didn’t think we’d ever have a healthy baby, it was an awful time. Obviously he was healthy and it was amazing but she found out she was pregnant about a month later and I was gutted. I didn’t tell anyone including DH, I think I was mostly upset that she got pregnant so quickly (they admitted they’d only started TTC after our DS was born because it made them broody so they conceived first cycle) and that the pregnancy went by without any hitch. It just made me upset it couldn’t have been so easy for us and we had to go through a lot of pain first. Like I say, it’s pretty irrational in hindsight but it’s just how I felt.

Your bestie doesn't sound that nice. She would only come round when your child was in bed. Wtf is that all about.

I can understand this. It’s difficult to be around babies/toddlers when you’re struggling to conceive or have experienced losses.

She might be struggling because after TTC for so long you can feel very anxious during the pregnancy and for good reason it's taken a lot for her to get to this place - I know I absolutely did not want to blather on about being pregnant when it did finally happen for us because I was too scared of something going wrong

So even though you might be well meaning you need to really back off from the pregnancy chat and respect for whatever reason she doesn't really want to engage with it at the moment

I think maybe you jist need to try to get back to what you were both like before she fell pregant op. Behave the same now as you used to, I suspect the extreme focus on her pregnancy is overwhelming.

Try to remember what made your friendship work before she fell pregant. How you chatted, what you did together, how you spent time and try to get back to that, with just irregular comments on pregnancy as and when it’s appropriate. Pregnancy isn’t really something most women feel the need to solely focus on every day whilst pregnant, never mind constantly celebrate it. Most of us just get on with our lives asssuming we are healthy enough to do so.