AIBU? Friend not celebrating my pregnancy

[mama29482]

My best friend found out she was pregnant last autumn after trying for a year, I was so thrilled for her, sent flowers the day after she told me the news, made her a pregnancy hamper, showered her with love, checked in on her every day to see how she's getting on. I asked if she'd be happy for me to think about baby showers for her when she's further along and started sharing ideas with her.

Once my friend conceived I told her that I wanted to start trying and she was very supportive. She knew I was holding off for her to get pregnant (I already have a toddler who I conceived with straight away so thought it could possibly happen again). She was fine up until I conceived in the first cycle, due 2 months after her. She seemed in shock that I was pregnant when I told her and I think some of it could be that it was so quick for us vs her journey.

A few months on, despite me still checking in on her almost every day she doesn't ask how I'm doing or return any of the love and support I give her. I don't expect gifts like I gave her but as an example we're planning a meal out as a big group and I asked if she had any cravings or aversions so we could decide around that, but she didn't ask about me. She's the type of person who would normally make a big deal about this (and did for my engagement), so feels like she's consciously not celebrating my pregnancy. This is my best friend of 15 years so I was expecting her to be excited we'd be on Mat leave together and experience this together.

My pregnancy is for me, but AIBU to feel a bit disappointed in her?

I think you sound lovely and caring and obviously have the best intentions. A bit too intense for me but it sounds like you both have that type of relationship.

You sound like a nice person but a bit full on, especially with the daily contact.

When you do speak does she ask how you are?

Do you have lots of friends/social circle or just you two?

Definitely give her space and hope your friendship is reciprocal.

@AsYouWishButtercup

TBH OP you sound really, really intense.

Hampers, message every day, planning a meal out around her cravings? And perhaps most bizarre of all - timing trying to conceive around her. That would really put me off if you were my friend, and I’d seriously feel like I wanted a bit of space.

And, with the greatest of respect, I’m going to tell you something that I think won’t harm every new mum to know (and I wish Thai had been told to me) - nobody else but you, your OH and perhaps parents, give a shit that you’re pregnant.

This. In bucketloads. I knew someone who didn't get that basic fact, and talked about her pregnancy every time I saw her. It's hugely off-putting.

I am childless not through choice. If I had managed to get pregnant (I never did), I would find your telling me that now I had cracked it you are going to try and then two weeks later that you have successes, well really quite smug, like you think you need to show me how it’s done. I would definitely be avoiding you for the duration of my pregnancy if not longer.

I don’t think you intended badly but your lack of empathy is beyond astonishing and for that reason, I am still wondering about the smugness. You maybe need to try and put yourself in somebody else’s shoes for a moment,

@mama29482 don’t get upset, you was always going to get a variety of responses but at the end of the day we are a bunch of strangers, you’ve got a 15 year friendship, it’ll navigate its way through the changes you’re both going through.

I agree your behaviour is completely OTT. Take a step back and let her breathe. I know you mean well, but I would find such behaviour suffocating.

OP I think you sound lovely and the replys on here are mental, someone saying their husband wouldnt be happy with someone being in the house in the evening? Controlling much. Me and my partners friends come over some weekends in the evening its completely normal

How did she react to your first pregnancy?

YABVVVU. Congratulations on your pregnancy though!

There have been some unbelievably spiteful replies in this thread. Some posters seemed to fallen all over themselves to write a single line of vitriol, just for fun, because there’s safety in numbers.

Well, you’ve all upset a pregnant woman who was trying to be a kind and true friend. She’s not done anything with ill intent, unlike so many on here.

And if making pregnant women cry is how you get your jollies, you should probably have a ponder over why that is.

Also daily contact with your friends is not abnormal mnetters needs to realise that, having friends you talk to every day is not weird, buying gifts for your pregnant friend is also not weird, the vast majority of people on here must have a really sheltered life. The negativity on this site really drains the life out of me

I got very anxious during pregnancy and I hadn’t struggled to conceive so perhaps she has anxiety and therefore finds talking about it/hampers etc too much to deal with?

I’m actually amazed that women get on like this about such trivial matters as to who conceived first. Stop worrying and enjoy your pregnancy.

Holey Moley! Being pregnant isn't a competition!

''Holding off'' because of your friend's pregnancy?!
This is nuts.

Why do people have to keep wading in, aren’t there enough mean comments all basically saying the same thing, the OP sounds lovely, has best intentions, is also pregnant, so hormones will be up in the air, has admitted she found some of the comments upsetting but also taking on board comments yet you still carry on, shame on you.

@Anna10309

I think there's alot of mean comments here. It sounds like you both had a very close relationship so you behaved accordingly. She sounds a bit selfish, probably upset at you stealing her limelight a bit. You seem to have good intentions, but she doesn't want that. I would step back and enjoy your own pregnancy

I agree with this - a lot of people are being unfair and unkind to you.

That your friend wouldn't see your toddler while she was TTC could mean that she was envious of you, and didn't take pleasure in your happiness. If it was the other way around and her baby arrived first I imagine you would have been supportive and involved. That she wanted you to delay getting pregnant with no.2 is pretty selfish of her.

This might be a blip in your frienship, but maybe she's showing you a side of her that you never saw before, or maybe she just doesn't want to share the limelight and thinks her pregnancy is more special than yours.

I think the advice to back off a bit is reasonable, for your own well-being. Enjoy your pregnancy

She probably finds you asking all the time abit intense. In terms of her not asking much about your pregnancy. I mean this in the nicest possible way, you have had your first, normally the second one isn’t as “exciting.”

@PoshPyjamas

Is it just me thinking a year isn’t even that long?

Nope, I thought that too.

You aren't even considered to have any fertility problems until you've been actively trying for over a year.

I think she might simply not have the mental space for your pregnancy . She might be so engaged with her baby and her life changes and ran over by hormones that she just concentrates on herself /which I think is natural/.
Wish you both you manage to find a new way how to stay close friend despite all this happening :)

Blimey you are totally over the top. All sounds a bit weird to me.

@77kidsandcounting

Also daily contact with your friends is not abnormal mnetters needs to realise that, having friends you talk to every day is not weird, buying gifts for your pregnant friend is also not weird, the vast majority of people on here must have a really sheltered life. The negativity on this site really drains the life out of me

Me too. The competitive smart arse putdowns by certain highly recurrent posters is wearing, too.

I think you've gone way over the top with your friend. To be honest, I'd be a little scared if my friend acted like you have!

Can't believe how nasty the replies here have been, op certainly doesn't deserve that, she's a pregnant woman, looking for advice, and she's been left in tears...awful!!
Op, you sound like a lovely friend, but maybe back off a little,and leave your friend to get in touch sometimes, if you've always had a full on, close relationship thats lovely, she's no doubt lost in the excitement of her first pregnancy and maybe annoyed that you're due soon after her, though that's silly, its fairly common,

You’ve been friends for a long time so those on here who’re attacking your personality are missing the point. Presumably you’ve always gone in for big gestures and showing openly that you care so I think this is specific to you falling pregnant easily each time when she’s struggled. Try to back off a bit and realise that things may well change once the baby arrives. As a first time mum she may appreciate your support and advice. But let her take the lead.