AIBU? Friend not celebrating my pregnancy

[mama29482]

My best friend found out she was pregnant last autumn after trying for a year, I was so thrilled for her, sent flowers the day after she told me the news, made her a pregnancy hamper, showered her with love, checked in on her every day to see how she's getting on. I asked if she'd be happy for me to think about baby showers for her when she's further along and started sharing ideas with her.

Once my friend conceived I told her that I wanted to start trying and she was very supportive. She knew I was holding off for her to get pregnant (I already have a toddler who I conceived with straight away so thought it could possibly happen again). She was fine up until I conceived in the first cycle, due 2 months after her. She seemed in shock that I was pregnant when I told her and I think some of it could be that it was so quick for us vs her journey.

A few months on, despite me still checking in on her almost every day she doesn't ask how I'm doing or return any of the love and support I give her. I don't expect gifts like I gave her but as an example we're planning a meal out as a big group and I asked if she had any cravings or aversions so we could decide around that, but she didn't ask about me. She's the type of person who would normally make a big deal about this (and did for my engagement), so feels like she's consciously not celebrating my pregnancy. This is my best friend of 15 years so I was expecting her to be excited we'd be on Mat leave together and experience this together.

My pregnancy is for me, but AIBU to feel a bit disappointed in her?

Your bestie doesn't sound that nice. She would only come round when your child was in bed. Wtf is that all about.

Some comments are not nice. at all.

Fwiw I think you sounds like a really good friend (& one of life's thoughtful "giver"s) while your friend while doesn't sound horrible per se, does sound thoughtless and like a "taker"

I think your own insight to step back a bit is right. Cooking dinners and being so accommodating is incredibly nice of you... but What nice thoughtful things does she do for you? (I almost bet it's few and fair between)

I would focus your energies on your own pregnancy and your own family...

She isn't necessarily a bad person but I would dial back the effort and only "give" when it's no skin off your nose.

Did you really hold off trying until she got pregnant?!?!?!
Also... I'd be really freaked out if someone checked in on me every day when I was pregnant.

Yabu. You’re being weird.

I can see how she feels. She wanted it to be about her, OP. And that’s natural.

Imagine you’re an athlete trying to make the Olympic team. You think you’re pretty good. You train every day for months and months, but keep getting rejected. You change what you eat, what you drink, how you exercise, even how you have sex. Your marriage suffers. Finally, after a year, you get told you’re on the team! Five minutes later your best mate, who you didn’t know was an athlete or even interested in atheletics, texts you “hey I decided to apply too and I got it first time yay we’re on the team together.” Then, every time you train, up pops your best mate, super-excited about your training together. She doesn’t leave you alone. She has no idea how terrified you are that you’ll get kicked off the team and never get another shot at it. She doesn’t have a clue what you’ve been through. She has no empathy at all: she can’t imagine how it feels to fail. But there she is. Every. Single. Day.

I said that I'd be happy to wait until she got pregnant first unless it got it a 3 year age gap with DD which was my limit

You sound like a lovely friend that means well, but it all sounds incredibly intense & like you’ve based major life decisions around her. You really don’t need to be doing this, nor do you need her ‘permission’ to be happy. Your mood shouldn’t depend on hers. Just leave her to it and enjoy your pregnancy.

@thirtytimesround that's an excellent analogy!!

I was so worried that when I got pregnant if I pulled back too far my friend would feel like her pregnancy wasn't special anymore

And that's what happened only it's self created by the two of you. I think you fussed over her to the point that she feels she's the only pregnant woman who has ever and will ever matter. At least to you.

Telling her you'd hold off on trying until she got pregnant was so unnecessary, calling every day, checking about cravings when going out to eat - does she really need this level of care? I think you made a rod for your own back. You sound like a genuinely lovely person but you were so hands-on about her pregnancy that she's now taking it as an affront that you are daring to have your own "journey" when hers is so very special.

There's nothing to be done about that now except to withdraw and focus on yourself. If you go quiet for long enough she might start to think over her behaviour and realize she's being a brat.

OP surely a good friend would say, no you go ahead and get pregnant if you wish to, don't hold back on my account?

And the fact that she would come round after your daughter would be in bed wouldn't sit well with me.

If my friend were to do that, I would say DD is a part of me, take it or leave it.

You sound lovely and generous. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Gosh ott, my husband didn't even get me flowers until our children arrived 😆, I'd feel suffocated. Who on earth puts off having children until their friend conceives 😬, bizarre. My sister is currently pregnant, I'm close to her and speak everyday, can't say I always ask her how's being pregnant (I only had a baby last year, she was the same with me).

You sound lovely OP. I would have loved to have had a friend like you during my pregnancy, and would have been excited to be pregnant together with a close friend. I had mine late so most of my friends had older children, and it wasn't the same. I’m guessing though that your friend has been through a lot emotionally when ttc, and is channelling her focus on her own pregnancy - probably anxious as it’s her first time and she’s worried because it took her so long to get pregnant, and she’s frightened something will go wrong. Just give your time and energy if you want to, not if you’re wanting an equal amount back.

I think YABU, this is her first and after the first nobody celebrates that.

Hey @mama29482. You've been given a tough time on here. I think you've had some really harsh comments.

It sounds like you and your friend have a very special relationship and you feel like she's let you down because of how you're used to treating each other. Totally understandable. Other people clearly don't behave like that but that doesn't mean that your way is wrong.

If you're used to showering each other in love, attention, thoughtful gifts then of course you're going to feel upset when that's not reciprocated. As PP have mentioned, I imagine she's had a really tough time and finds it hard to hear about other people being pregnant, even though she's pregnant herself. The mind works in a funny way.

I would give her some space for a bit and check in with her later next week.

Don't let these comments get you down! MN can be a cruel place at times.

I think thankfully you haven't experienced how much TTC long term messes you up. I tried for 3 years without even a late period and I am even now with 2 perfect children forever changed as a result of that. All of the hope and joy and excitement when you first start trying just slowly dissapears and I honestly never believed that I would get either baby until they were safely in my arms.

I see it in the language that people use, you can always tell when you meet people that speak about buying buggies with attachments for a second child or speak about trying for a child to fit in with work commitments or holidays etc. People who have had slower conceptions don't speak like that because its never just a given that it would ever happen for them. I would always say "if I was to have a third" rather than when.

I really struggled with how I was towards pregnant women while TTC because I consider myself quite a nice person and all of I sudden I became unhinged, constantly counting how long it has been since people were married before they announced to see whether they 'deserved' it. It really wasn't a nice time for me (or my poor lovely DH) and took a lot to work through. I remember telling a lovely friend thst we were struggling to conceive and she replied "oh well we were first time for both boys, must be super fertile". It didn't come from a bad place with her, she had never experienced it but I had to distance from her.

Congrats on your pregnancy, hope you are keeping well and hope she comes round a little.

I think she is probably feeling like u r stealing her thunder, I know your not but that’s how I would probably feel in this situation!
Just take a step back and let her do her own thing and u do yours. Specially as she doesn’t seem interested in you right now!

Yabu. You vvvv ott re your friend. Please back off Nd let her enjoy being pregnant without being pestered by you.

Oh...its a baby...millions born every day....forget it...move on....i have zero interest in anyones babies....!!!

You sound lovely mama. I would have loved a friend like you to celebrate together. Don't pay any attention to the nasty comments they are not worth it. Some women just love.to hate.

Do you have a job, OP? Does your friend? Maybe she's just tired and busy...? Babies are a lot of work once they arrive, but I for one was trying during both of my pregnancies (also bad sickness) to get everything done at work and didn't have a lot of spare energy for overthinking pregnancy.

In fact, I think people fall into camps. Much as with weddings. I find bridezillas and their big days terrifying, self-absorbed and somehow in poor taste. I also find baby showers pretty hokey, wouldn't have liked to have one, and loathe being invited to them. Maybe I am a grim realist. Maybe your friend is.

If I had had difficulty TTC I'm sure I would have hated a lot of fuss being made about my pregnancy even more than I already did. So perhaps the question needs to be turned round. In fact, this would all make more sense as a reverse. 'How do I tell my friend that her obsession with "celebrating" pregnancy, fussing about food cravings (I had none, just barfed a lot), and constant checking in on me is creeping me out? How can I get her to talk about one of the many interesting/fun things that we used to concentrate on? Why has she become such a bore?'

Ignore all the nasty comments.

You sound very kind and caring. It really does sound like your friend has a MAJOR issue about other women's pregnancies and children.

She couldn't cope with being around your other child and, now you're also pregnant, she obviously feels so negatively about it she can't extend her best wishes and interest to you.

I think you'll just have to wait and see what happens and hope that she starts to come to terms with things. She must be really suffering with some horrible feelings (that she'll probably feel guilty about sooner or later).

Are you close enough to risk having a real heart-to-heart where she could voice her (presumably) resentment/anger without it being too damaging?

I must admit that after reading that you put off trying for a second child until your friend conceived that I didn’t quite believe it. That is such a nice thing to do for someone that it just seems too good to be true but after reading your subsequent posts I realise that it’s not and you are really a genuinely lovely person. Possibly too lovely for your rather self obsessed friend, who while I understand might be feeling a little bit miffed that you managed to fall pregnant so quickly yet again, should be decent enough to put some effort into at least pretending to be happy for you. I think you should take a big step back, give her time to miss you and appreciate you for the amazing friend you are. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

You sound lovely op, but she did not have struggles ttc can take a healthy couple up to a year or more to conceive, I have went through struggles 4 miscarriages my new nephew was born yesterday and I can't bear to even go visit him.

When u next text your friend don't mention anything pregnancy related, see if she asks you so you can ask the question back.

What does your husband think about you timing your second pregnancy around your friends pregnancy? I think that is strange but if you are close and she was having a tough time TTC I guess you were being empathetic. I think taking a step back would be wise as she is totally self absorbed. Maybe things will calm down once you have both had the babies but I would not be doing hampers, baby showers or celebratory meals as far too premature.

@teaandchocolate1

"She would always come over when DD was in bed..."

Is it normal to have friendships like that where your friend always comes over after your child is in bed?

I don't know, maybe I'm abnormal, but my 17 month old son is in bed now sleeping and I couldn't imagine having a friend over now. I don't think my husband would be too happy either if there was always another person at our house in the evening.

Do you never have friends round in the evening? Why not? That’s bizarre.

[quote surreygirl1987]@thirtytimesround that's an excellent analogy!![/quote]
No it's not, the friend was fully aware the OP was going to be trying, there was a conversation around it. Not OP's fault it happened so fast. The OP supported her through TTC so i would bet that yes she knows a bit about what her friend went through..