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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Friend not celebrating my pregnancy

196 replies

mama29482 · 25/01/2022 20:30

My best friend found out she was pregnant last autumn after trying for a year, I was so thrilled for her, sent flowers the day after she told me the news, made her a pregnancy hamper, showered her with love, checked in on her every day to see how she's getting on. I asked if she'd be happy for me to think about baby showers for her when she's further along and started sharing ideas with her.

Once my friend conceived I told her that I wanted to start trying and she was very supportive. She knew I was holding off for her to get pregnant (I already have a toddler who I conceived with straight away so thought it could possibly happen again). She was fine up until I conceived in the first cycle, due 2 months after her. She seemed in shock that I was pregnant when I told her and I think some of it could be that it was so quick for us vs her journey.

A few months on, despite me still checking in on her almost every day she doesn't ask how I'm doing or return any of the love and support I give her. I don't expect gifts like I gave her but as an example we're planning a meal out as a big group and I asked if she had any cravings or aversions so we could decide around that, but she didn't ask about me. She's the type of person who would normally make a big deal about this (and did for my engagement), so feels like she's consciously not celebrating my pregnancy. This is my best friend of 15 years so I was expecting her to be excited we'd be on Mat leave together and experience this together.

My pregnancy is for me, but AIBU to feel a bit disappointed in her?

OP posts:
RogerDodger · 25/01/2022 21:00

sent flowers the day after she told me the news, made her a pregnancy hamper, showered her with love, checked in on her every day to see how she's getting on.

This is waaay too try hard. It comes across as you are quite insecure in the friendship and are coming across as a bit desperate to prove how great a friend you are. Ease off. You can be happy she is pregnant without becoming involved in her pregnancy!

BHX3000 · 25/01/2022 21:00

sent flowers the day after she told me the news, made her a pregnancy hamper, showered her with love, checked in on her every day to see how she's getting on. I asked if she'd be happy for me to think about baby showers for her when she's further along and started sharing ideas with her

I’m stressed just reading about this. Perhaps she is too, having all that thrown at her in real life. How much free time do you have in your day that there’s enough left to organise pregnancy hampers and share baby shower ideas with others?

Don’t get me wrong, I’d appear thankful for the first couple of days but then I’d feel suffocated by all that. I’d recommend you back off slightly.

Hairyfriend · 25/01/2022 21:01

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Toottooot · 25/01/2022 21:01

I’d be avoiding you too - you are far too overbearing. You do not need to check in on her everyday - leave her alone.

LilQueenie · 25/01/2022 21:02

Too much. Everyday! does she get time with her partner? you may want to do baby showers and all that but this is her first and its your second. Let her have the time to enjoy her pregnancy.

Original poster
mama29482 · 25/01/2022 21:02

Thanks everyone, I think I needed to hear that and will take a step back I think. Just to clarify, we always speak every day, we always have done and check in how our days are going etc. During her year of trying she found it really hard, she was over at the end of almost every 2WW when she had her BFN and I'd cook us a nice meal and we'd have a glass of wine and I'd try to cheer her up. She would always come over when DD was in bed as said it was hard to see her. She said to me that she found it hard to see another of her friends pregnant so had distanced herself. She asked if I was planning on trying again soon and I said that I'd be happy to wait until she got pregnant first unless it got it a 3 year age gap with DD which was my limit. She was grateful for this.

So when she became pregnant it was a big celebration after everything she went though. She was, and still is very keen on sharing information about her latest cravings, photos of bump growing, some cute clothes she's bought the baby already. She leans in to conversations about her pregnancy but does not ask about mine or want to talk about mine.

I imagine for her she probably expected it to take longer for me to get pregnant and perhaps is feeling overshadowed.

I'll take a step back

OP posts:
gamerchick · 25/01/2022 21:03

Bless you OP. You sound a bit scary. You can stop with the fawning now and focus on your own pregnancy.

DysmalRadius · 25/01/2022 21:04

I cannot imagine having to respond to 275 'how's your pregnancy going' texts from even my closest friend! My family have all been thrilled about my pregnancies, but none of them has responded the way you have, so I agree with others that she is probably feeling massively overwhelmed by your involvement.

Also, asking if she has food aversions etc seems a bit weird - is there a reason you would think that she couldn't pipe herself to mention this if she wanted to?

Some people don't want to put their pregnancy at the centre of everything they do, so the fact that you are placing SO much importance on hers (even down to you trying to conceive after her which might be the weirdest thing I've read!) is WAY OTT.

AlDanvers · 25/01/2022 21:06

If you speak everyday anyway, why make point of saying you check on her everyday?

DysmalRadius · 25/01/2022 21:06

Sorry - I was still typing and I see you've taken the advice on board! Good luck with your pregnancy and maybe find someone else to talk about yours with and just let her focus on her own.

Pedalpushers · 25/01/2022 21:08

Tbh I think it's partly that it's her first and your second - I presume she made a fuss of you the first time around and so I think she's entitled to somewhat feel like she wants it to be 'her turn'.

There is also the aspect where you sound so keen on this being something you do 'together' so you're somewhat making her pregnancy about you, especially as you are more experienced with it and it has been much easier for you.

Checking things like cravings before a restaurant is a bit patronising, she's well able to speak up about where she can eat, so it comes off a bit like 'yes I know lots about pregnancy and am also pregnant you know'.

HiJenny35 · 25/01/2022 21:08

I had a friend who got pregnant after me so we could "be on maternity together" but the thing was, I didn't want that at all. I wanted this time to be for me and baby, I wasn't one of those mums who wanted other mum friends I wanted to be with baby to have as much time as possible 1-2-1 as it had been a long wait and I was intending on going back to work. She wanted to do everything together and I wanted to carve out my own new role separately. It was a nightmare and in the end neither of us got what we wanted. I'd feel smoothed.

DrSbaitso · 25/01/2022 21:09

She asked if I was planning on trying again soon and I said that I'd be happy to wait until she got pregnant first unless it got it a 3 year age gap with DD which was my limit. She was grateful for this.

Assuming this really is how she felt, you two have a very weird relationship. You should not be building your family plans around her and she should not be expecting or encouraging it. You seriously timed your pregnancy around her and she thought this was nice?

Do you use pregnancy as a way of trying to show yourself as a certain kind of person?

MonicaGellerCleans · 25/01/2022 21:09

I think your friend sounds a bit self absorbed TBH, especially after reading your update

VodselForDinner · 25/01/2022 21:09

You sound ridiculously intense.

FAQs · 25/01/2022 21:09

It’s good you are going to allow her to breath and enjoy her pregnancy, and not push yourself and your situation on her, but when you do I’d be mindful so you don’t turn it into a drama all about you and make her feel bad and spoil her memories of her pregnancy.

That sounds quite blunt but I’m unsure how to word it softer, good luck with your pregnancy also though.

schoolsoutforever · 25/01/2022 21:09

I think people are being a little harsh. You sound lovely BUT as other have said some people (including myself) are much more low key, introverted(?) or just plain self centred. I don’t mean that negatively it’s just that I would never consider doing the things you have done for another person (I would find it very difficult to find the time). For you it may be great, but it must be understandable to not want so much attention. Certainly I would be your friend I the situation; I certainly wouldn’t be intentionally being mean.

teaandchocolate1 · 25/01/2022 21:10

"She would always come over when DD was in bed..."

Is it normal to have friendships like that where your friend always comes over after your child is in bed?

I don't know, maybe I'm abnormal, but my 17 month old son is in bed now sleeping and I couldn't imagine having a friend over now. I don't think my husband would be too happy either if there was always another person at our house in the evening.

YellowLemonz · 25/01/2022 21:11

@MonicaGellerCleans

I think your friend sounds a bit self absorbed TBH, especially after reading your update
I have to agree. I would never hold anyone back from trying for a baby if I was struggling. I done IVF and knew my best friend was trying, I would dream of accepting her saying I'll hold off until your pregnant.

Enjoy your pregnancy, I understand your intentions.

Thanks
Viviennemary · 25/01/2022 21:11

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Loveisthere · 25/01/2022 21:12

Way ott let her enjoy her pregnancy just take a step back

Hugasauras · 25/01/2022 21:14

Is it important that you talk about your pregnancy though? I don't think you need to pull back if she's happily engaging with you, but the issue seems to be that she's not giving you the same, but that's to be expected, really? You've already done the 'firsts', so I wouldn't expect someone to be constantly asking me about my pregnancy when it's second time round.

MooSakah · 25/01/2022 21:15

You need to back right off. Let her enjoy her pregnancy journey.

grapewine · 25/01/2022 21:16

@MonicaGellerCleans

I think your friend sounds a bit self absorbed TBH, especially after reading your update
Agree with this.
BatshitBanshee · 25/01/2022 21:17

Back. Off. You waited to try for a second until she got pregnant? You can think this buy for goodness sake don't say it, it's suffocating and too much and a very odd decision to make. You're over involved and she is maybe trying to shut down your incessant questions by not responding with questions about you. This is a much-longed for and tried for baby for her, maybe she wants to experience it in peace, maybe she wants her own experience and maybe she's not enjoying pregnancy as much as she thought she would be. Whatever her reason, stop at her and take your head out of her uterus. Jesus.

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