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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Friend not celebrating my pregnancy

196 replies

mama29482 · 25/01/2022 20:30

My best friend found out she was pregnant last autumn after trying for a year, I was so thrilled for her, sent flowers the day after she told me the news, made her a pregnancy hamper, showered her with love, checked in on her every day to see how she's getting on. I asked if she'd be happy for me to think about baby showers for her when she's further along and started sharing ideas with her.

Once my friend conceived I told her that I wanted to start trying and she was very supportive. She knew I was holding off for her to get pregnant (I already have a toddler who I conceived with straight away so thought it could possibly happen again). She was fine up until I conceived in the first cycle, due 2 months after her. She seemed in shock that I was pregnant when I told her and I think some of it could be that it was so quick for us vs her journey.

A few months on, despite me still checking in on her almost every day she doesn't ask how I'm doing or return any of the love and support I give her. I don't expect gifts like I gave her but as an example we're planning a meal out as a big group and I asked if she had any cravings or aversions so we could decide around that, but she didn't ask about me. She's the type of person who would normally make a big deal about this (and did for my engagement), so feels like she's consciously not celebrating my pregnancy. This is my best friend of 15 years so I was expecting her to be excited we'd be on Mat leave together and experience this together.

My pregnancy is for me, but AIBU to feel a bit disappointed in her?

OP posts:
HollaHolla · 25/01/2022 20:46

Sorry, but with the best will in the world, you’re completely over the top. Sounds smothering… and a bit ridiculous.
I think I sent my best mate a card when she got pregnant with her first, and maybe a call /hugs with her second. Of course the babies were a massive celebration - but come on, it’s a pregnancy, not the second coming of Christ.

RampantIvy · 25/01/2022 20:46

Is this real? No-one celebrates someone else's pregnancy to the extent the OP did. That is just weird. And no-one gets that excited about a second child anyway. Bonkers.

Rubyupbeat · 25/01/2022 20:47

You sound totally suffocating, bordering on obsessive. She sounds like she is trying to put a distance between you both and I don't blame her one bit!

DrSbaitso · 25/01/2022 20:47

Everything about this says to me that your behaviour is not as altruistic as you would have us believe, and she may have picked up on this.

I'm not exactly sure what you do want, but I might not hang around too much to find out either.

reluctantbrit · 25/01/2022 20:48

I think I would feel suffocated by your behaviour. That's totally over the top.

Step back several steps. There is a huge difference between celebrating one occassion and being bombared for several months.

Maybe she actually dreads that you are also pregnant and fears you will be on her doorstep all the time now and compare notes.

lemonyfox · 25/01/2022 20:49

It took her over a year to get pregnant. You might be good friends, but give her some space to enjoy her pregnancy with her partner. She might have some anxiety still about things going wrong, and you swooping in getting pregnant ASAP and wanting to share details every day is probably the last thing she needs if she does have anxiety. Let her breathe and come to you when she's ready.

You do sound sweet, just very full on and over eager.

AlDanvers · 25/01/2022 20:50

Is this going to be another one where everyone thinks its a reverse. Op doesn't come back and de-regs their account so @mnhq delete it?

There's been loads of these the last few days.

Hugasauras · 25/01/2022 20:51

I'm pregnant with DC2 and would honestly find it v annoying having someone messaging me about it constantly. I don't really think about it much myself as I've got a whole heap of other stuff going on, so someone constantly talking about it would be quite wearing.

My friend is pregnant with her first and obv very excited and I'm happy to talk to her about it whenever she wants, but I have no interest in discussing my pregnancy with anyone because frankly it's just a bit boring second time round 🤷‍♀️

JustLyra · 25/01/2022 20:51

She wants to enjoy and celebrate her long-awaited pregnancy. She doesn’t want to share every moment.

Let her be.

Lovewinemorethanhusband · 25/01/2022 20:51

@mama29482 I lost my best friend of almost 20 years when I got pregnant with my second child after she was trying for her second and failing, I didn't rub it in didn't go over the top or anything , was very supportive of her but she hates the fact I have 3 children now and she's still only got 1, she's never met my 3rd child at all, it's awful when you loose friends but I've moved on and now have friends that love all my children

EishetChayil · 25/01/2022 20:52

If I were your friend I'd be terrified!

RockAndHardPlace1 · 25/01/2022 20:53

YABU. Let her be.

Rumplestrumpet · 25/01/2022 20:53

OP you are getting a hard time here and sound like a very caring and thoughtful friend. I don't know what the dynamic of your friendship is but it's true for some people your reaction would be too intense. It may be the case for tour friend. Or as some has said she may be feeling like you've stolen her thunder - not reasonable but maybe understandable.

Also just bear in mind that some people appreciate the effort but aren't able to repay it. I have a friend who makes such thoughtful and generous gestures for birthdays, births, etc and while I love it I also find it daunting as I just don't have the inspiration or time to do the same for her. I know she feels like I don't care as much but it's just not my way of expressing myself.

So maybe take a step back and be happy for her but give her some space.

And congrats on your pregnancy

AutumnLeaves21 · 25/01/2022 20:53

Sorry op but YABU. It would never occur to me in a million years to check on friends pregnancy cravings so I could plan a social occasion around it. You sound lovely but a bit bonkers. Back off a bit.

LethargeMarg · 25/01/2022 20:54

Op she may be nervous about her pregnancy or not want to 'tempt fate'- I know a lot of women who don't want baby showers in case something goes wrong with the pregnancy and birth. A congratulations card would have been more than enough - the hamper and daily calls are way to much

Bananarama21 · 25/01/2022 20:54

You would drive me nuts, I don't know what you expect its your second pregnancy. You already had the firsts with your first pregnancy.

charlotter76 · 25/01/2022 20:56

I empathise as I think I'm quite like you as this is how I tend to show that I care. I'm working on getting less sensitive/disappointed when others don't display the same behaviour.

I don't think it's a character flaw but we need to acknowledge that not everyone shows affection in the same way and it can come across as a bit 'full on' to others.

heyitsthistle · 25/01/2022 20:56

I kinda get what you mean. I have a close friend of 20+ who is TTC but it hasn't been successful yet. It's been 18 months since they began. I've gotten pregnant one the first try with both of mine, so I'd love to be able to wait until she got a BFP before we TTC again. I don't know why, but I think I'd just feel bad as I know she'd be happy for me but also sad for them.

Checking in every day may be a bit intense for her. I wouldn't just stop texting, but perhaps try talking to her about other stuff and lessening the 'how are yous' and finding out about cravings etc.

IamnotSethRogan · 25/01/2022 20:56

Maybe she's trying to show you how she'd like you to behave

Sausagesausagesausage · 25/01/2022 20:56

I'm embarrassed for you OP.

justustwoandmoo · 25/01/2022 20:57

It's difficult when you get pregnant to understand that it doesn't actually mean that much to other people. It's lovely and they are happy for you but that's about it really. It's v unusual to be as intense as you are with all the messaging etc.

Enjoy it for yourself. Don't worry about what other people do xx

2022success · 25/01/2022 20:57

@Squirrelblanket

Yes I think you are being unreasonable. Your reaction to pregnancy sounds completely over the top.
Agree with this. Very OTT
RoseRedRoseBlue · 25/01/2022 20:58

This reply has been deleted

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Regularsizedrudy · 25/01/2022 20:58

This would be waaaaaay to much for me. You need to step back

grapewine · 25/01/2022 20:59

I was so thrilled for her, sent flowers the day after she told me the news, made her a pregnancy hamper, showered her with love, checked in on her every day to see how she's getting on. I asked if she'd be happy for me to think about baby showers for her when she's further along and started sharing ideas with her.

I'm sorry, but this is just very OTT. And you're still checking in with her a lot. Breathe.