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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Friend not celebrating my pregnancy

196 replies

mama29482 · 25/01/2022 20:30

My best friend found out she was pregnant last autumn after trying for a year, I was so thrilled for her, sent flowers the day after she told me the news, made her a pregnancy hamper, showered her with love, checked in on her every day to see how she's getting on. I asked if she'd be happy for me to think about baby showers for her when she's further along and started sharing ideas with her.

Once my friend conceived I told her that I wanted to start trying and she was very supportive. She knew I was holding off for her to get pregnant (I already have a toddler who I conceived with straight away so thought it could possibly happen again). She was fine up until I conceived in the first cycle, due 2 months after her. She seemed in shock that I was pregnant when I told her and I think some of it could be that it was so quick for us vs her journey.

A few months on, despite me still checking in on her almost every day she doesn't ask how I'm doing or return any of the love and support I give her. I don't expect gifts like I gave her but as an example we're planning a meal out as a big group and I asked if she had any cravings or aversions so we could decide around that, but she didn't ask about me. She's the type of person who would normally make a big deal about this (and did for my engagement), so feels like she's consciously not celebrating my pregnancy. This is my best friend of 15 years so I was expecting her to be excited we'd be on Mat leave together and experience this together.

My pregnancy is for me, but AIBU to feel a bit disappointed in her?

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 25/01/2022 21:33

It would definitely be too much for me but I'm a very introverted person who hates any kind of attention. She also sounds very self absorbed there's no way I'd want any of my friends to hold off having a baby because of me.

I remember when I fell pregnant and suddenly my thoughts and views on some things I thought I wanted wasn't what I wanted anymore, maybe that's happened. Maybe suddenly it feels real and she's anxious. Unfortunately I lost my baby, maybe she's experienced that as well and just wants to keep things low key for right now?

You sound lovely and caring but I think you're right to take a step back, give her some breathing space and see what happens.

Hankunamatata · 25/01/2022 21:34

Give her a break, she tried for a year, she's probably super involved in her own pregnancy.

LadyPropane · 25/01/2022 21:35

Some people on this thread are being very nasty.

Obviously the OP and her friend are very close, and it is normal for them to have this level of intensity in the friendship. Telling OP that she sounds weird and they wouldn't want their friend doing this for them isn't useful because it's ignoring the context of the issue.

AsYouWishButtercup · 25/01/2022 21:35

I also think that when people have TTC for as long as your friend, actual pregnancy, which is never easy, and the pressure to feel elated can be very overwhelming. If she had any sort of assistance, that also has a lasting effect. I would honestly just, for a while, not be her pregnant friend, but her friend who loves her. Don’t even mention the pregnancies next time you message her. Take the foot off the accelerator a little

Aquamarine1029 · 25/01/2022 21:36

My best friend found out she was pregnant last autumn after trying for a year, I was so thrilled for her, sent flowers the day after she told me the news, made her a pregnancy hamper, showered her with love, checked in on her every day to see how she's getting on.

Whoa.

You really need to back off a bit a reevaluate how you approach this friendship.

teaandchocolate1 · 25/01/2022 21:37

I suppose it also depends on your age, maybe you are very young.

The fact that you conceived your first one in the first cycle, doesn't mean that the second one will happen as quickly.

In your case it happened both times very quickly, so you were lucky.

I conceived my first child in the first cycle, but my second one took 6 months, with one early miscarriage in between.

I would never base my family planning around the feelings of my friends, but maybe you are very young and have the luxury of time.

ChezChicken · 25/01/2022 21:37

Your friend found it unbearable to see her best friends baby when she had only been trying for 1 year? That's incredibly self absorbed. It took me 18+ months each time and while it was a difficult time I loved to cuddle my friends' babies. What's wrong with people? Same as the other thread with the manager who has never had children and who is awful to pregnant employees, what a bitter twisted cow. There is something seriously wrong with someone who is unable to be around a small baby after trying for a few months. It's screams 'me' me' 'me'.

I'm also gobsmacked that you waited TTC so not to overshadow your friend's pregnancy. Your loyalty should Beto your husband and children first not some childhood BFF.

LondonGrimmer · 25/01/2022 21:37

You sound like a brilliant friend OP

peachesarenom · 25/01/2022 21:39

I'd be disappointed too OP!

PoshPyjamas · 25/01/2022 21:40

Is it just me thinking a year isn’t even that long? Confused

MonicaGellerCleans · 25/01/2022 21:40

@PoshPyjamas

Is it just me thinking a year isn’t even that long? Confused
No, I was thinking the same
ChezChicken · 25/01/2022 21:41

@PoshPyjamas

Is it just me thinking a year isn’t even that long? Confused
No, not just you.
Original poster
mama29482 · 25/01/2022 21:41

Thanks everyone. Some of the messages here have made me really upset and didn't need to be worded so harshly but they're what I needed to give me that push to take step back for a while.

I won't be reading any more replies because I know what I need to do now and don't want to get more upset than I already am.

All I ask if anyone who has written a really mean reply is in the future to think about the intentions of the OP and whether your response is written in respectful way. I'm just trying to be a good friend, even posting this I am asking for feedback so I can be a better friend and I'm clearly getting it wrong from the replies but there are much nicer ways of saying this to me than attacking me

OP posts:
Lizlou85 · 25/01/2022 21:43

You do sound very OTT. My firned and i were pregnant at the same time, but she's had a very rough ride compared to me and we only messaged about once a month pre the babies arrival. Now our little ones are safely here we do seem to be texting each day but more about normal baby things, poo explosion, first for the babies, what we've purchased at 3am and have no recollection off until we get dispatch emails. Maybe back off and wait for her to message you. It will be hard to begin with but once babies are here she might be more forthcoming and more OTT.

DrSbaitso · 25/01/2022 21:43

Obviously the OP and her friend are very close, and it is normal for them to have this level of intensity in the friendship.

It clearly isn't, because OP is asking why this intensity is not being returned.

Guineapiggiesmalls · 25/01/2022 21:43

OP, some people have been pretty harsh! I think it’s sweet how excited you are for your friend, you’re obviously really close. Maybe a little OTT, but there’s a lot worse you could have done. I would have loved a pregnancy hamper from one of my friends, especially in the midst of the crappy first trimester.

I think others have had some good suggestions, perhaps she feels overshadowed by your pregnancy or wanted to be the focus of all your friendship groups attention? Maybe she’s just overwhelmed by the reality of being pregnancy after trying for some time. Either way, I’m sure once your babies arrive she’ll be thrilled to have you for support. Perhaps she’ll also quite like that she’s slightly ahead of you, so can share advice (I know this is your second).

Wishing you the best for your pregnancy, try not to worry too much about this. Easier said than done, I know, especially when you’re a bag of hormones!

SteakExpectations · 25/01/2022 21:44

I wonder whether your friend is having anxiety about losing her baby or about it not being healthy. Maybe when you’re both further along, or when her baby is finally in her arms, she’ll be back to her normal self again.

gentilleprof · 25/01/2022 21:52

YABU
While it was lovely of you to buy her gifts etc, you can't expect it in return.

Bellyups · 25/01/2022 21:56

YABU!!

Maybe this is her way of backing away as you sound way, way too intense and involved.

Also, as PP have said, no one really cares about your pregnancy. The same with every other pregnant woman that ever walked earth.

MissMaple82 · 25/01/2022 21:57

My word, give the girl some breathing space!

IrishMama2015 · 25/01/2022 21:58

OP are you both very young? Is your DP happy for your family to be built around another woman's fertility journey? I find this very very strange

Booboobibles · 25/01/2022 21:59

I think she’s being selfish. You obviously have a very intense friendship and have both been happy with this….people on here don’t seem to be empathising much and are just thinking about how they’d feel if a friend was so involved. Mumsnet never fails to confuse me!

nanbread · 25/01/2022 22:00

OP AIBU isn't really the place to post things like this unless you want to get an earful. It's not known for its sensitivity. I hope you work it out with your friend. I imagine she wants this time to be about her and not you, as hurtful as that may seem.

Hoppinggreen · 25/01/2022 22:00

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Anna10309 · 25/01/2022 22:03

I think there's alot of mean comments here. It sounds like you both had a very close relationship so you behaved accordingly. She sounds a bit selfish, probably upset at you stealing her limelight a bit. You seem to have good intentions, but she doesn't want that. I would step back and enjoy your own pregnancy Flowers

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