AIBU? Friend not celebrating my pregnancy

[mama29482]

My best friend found out she was pregnant last autumn after trying for a year, I was so thrilled for her, sent flowers the day after she told me the news, made her a pregnancy hamper, showered her with love, checked in on her every day to see how she's getting on. I asked if she'd be happy for me to think about baby showers for her when she's further along and started sharing ideas with her.

Once my friend conceived I told her that I wanted to start trying and she was very supportive. She knew I was holding off for her to get pregnant (I already have a toddler who I conceived with straight away so thought it could possibly happen again). She was fine up until I conceived in the first cycle, due 2 months after her. She seemed in shock that I was pregnant when I told her and I think some of it could be that it was so quick for us vs her journey.

A few months on, despite me still checking in on her almost every day she doesn't ask how I'm doing or return any of the love and support I give her. I don't expect gifts like I gave her but as an example we're planning a meal out as a big group and I asked if she had any cravings or aversions so we could decide around that, but she didn't ask about me. She's the type of person who would normally make a big deal about this (and did for my engagement), so feels like she's consciously not celebrating my pregnancy. This is my best friend of 15 years so I was expecting her to be excited we'd be on Mat leave together and experience this together.

My pregnancy is for me, but AIBU to feel a bit disappointed in her?

@HiJenny35

I had a friend who got pregnant after me so we could "be on maternity together" but the thing was, I didn't want that at all. I wanted this time to be for me and baby, I wasn't one of those mums who wanted other mum friends I wanted to be with baby to have as much time as possible 1-2-1 as it had been a long wait and I was intending on going back to work. She wanted to do everything together and I wanted to carve out my own new role separately. It was a nightmare and in the end neither of us got what we wanted. I'd feel smoothed.

This is really helpful! We had always said growing up how great it would be to be on Mat leave together and have kids a similar age and go on holidays but I guess we were young then and as time has gone on and she had a tough journey trying for a baby maybe she's feeling a bit different. I don't think I'll reference us being off together again and see if she says anything. She was really happy when I said we would start TTC and was excited but probably in her head thought it would be a smaller overlap

Thanks for your perspective

Your second pregnancy isn’t the same as her first after trying for a year. She’s likely just very inward looking right now. She should make more of an effort than she has though.

@schoolsoutforever

I think people are being a little harsh. You sound lovely BUT as other have said some people (including myself) are much more low key, introverted(?) or just plain self centred. I don’t mean that negatively it’s just that I would never consider doing the things you have done for another person (I would find it very difficult to find the time). For you it may be great, but it must be understandable to not want so much attention. Certainly I would be your friend I the situation; I certainly wouldn’t be intentionally being mean.

Thank you, I'm actually sat here crying reading these messages, some are so mean. My intentions have always been good and supportive. We have that friendship where she would just drop by unannounced with some cupcakes because I had a bad day and they're my favourite, or an advent calendar for my wedding counting down to the big day. That's the friendship we have and I know to many it seems very OTT but it has always been like that in both directions. I guess with her pregnancy I have to take a step back and not do this

Stop doing so much for her

Well I think you sound very sweet, OP.

@teaandchocolate1

"She would always come over when DD was in bed..."

Is it normal to have friendships like that where your friend always comes over after your child is in bed?

I don't know, maybe I'm abnormal, but my 17 month old son is in bed now sleeping and I couldn't imagine having a friend over now. I don't think my husband would be too happy either if there was always another person at our house in the evening.

When I say she would always come over when dd was in bed, I mean when she would come over it was when my daughter was sleeping so she didn't have to see her, not that my friend was over every single night

She asked if I was planning on trying again soon and I said that I'd be happy to wait until she got pregnant first

You’re trying extremely hard to get your friend to like you. Honestly, it doesn’t sound like a mutual friendship. You’re giving way too much.

I’m glad I read your updates before commenting - you sound really sweet and a lovely friend.
Just ease off a bit and concentrate on your little family for now. I’m sure your friendship with find a new, balanced & happy place

I think unless you've struggled with TTC, it's difficult to understand how much it can impact you. I have a lovely 2.5 year old and have no desire to have a second but, after three years of trying, numerous medical procedures, I still feel a little stab of pain when other people announce their pregnancy. Especially if they get pregnant very easily. It's not nice and I'm not proud of how I feel but long term TTC can be very difficult. I appreciate that your friend was 'only' trying for a year and it doesn't sound like she had gone down the path of treatment yet but it still might have had a significant impact on her.

@DrSbaitso

She asked if I was planning on trying again soon and I said that I'd be happy to wait until she got pregnant first unless it got it a 3 year age gap with DD which was my limit. She was grateful for this.

Assuming this really is how she felt, you two have a very weird relationship. You should not be building your family plans around her and she should not be expecting or encouraging it. You seriously timed your pregnancy around her and she thought this was nice?

Do you use pregnancy as a way of trying to show yourself as a certain kind of person?

I'm not quite sure what you mean about me using pregnancy to show me as a certain kind of person?

We're just very close friends and always have been. I saw her struggles and didn't want to make it worse by getting pregnant myself when it was something I was happy to wait a little longer for.

Me being pregnant only comes into it where I felt like she might support me back a bit but it's been helpful to read other perspectives as really opened my eyes to how she might be feeling.

My intentions really are good and I want to give her this moment hence the gifts and asking about how she's feeling when we chat. She sends bump photos etc so clearly doesn't mind. I think I need to assess that giving someone a special moment isn't always about giving them more time in the spotlight or more gifts, sometimes it's about giving them space.

I think I was so worried that when I got pregnant if I pulled back too far my friend would feel like her pregnancy wasn't special anymore

I'm not going to text now for a few days and give her space/see what happens

showered her with love, checked in on her every day to see how she's getting on.

Sounds annoying

This is all really over involved. Maybe she wants to do maternity leave on her own? An opportunity to experience something herself, meet new people? It’s your second, perhaps she feels it’s not such a big deal?

Most people don't react like you OP.

I'd find it really off-putting.

After reading your updates it does seem like the 'weirdness' is a bit mutual and that's just how the friendship is (not saying it's a bad thing, I have 'weird' relationships with some of my friends because it suits us just fine).

But I do stand by my comment about how much time you have on your hands? Honestly, I struggle to find time to check my emails sometimes, let alone worry about all this stuff you've listed. There are many more important things than giving headspace and time to these issues, surely?

@mynameiscalypso

I think unless you've struggled with TTC, it's difficult to understand how much it can impact you. I have a lovely 2.5 year old and have no desire to have a second but, after three years of trying, numerous medical procedures, I still feel a little stab of pain when other people announce their pregnancy. Especially if they get pregnant very easily. It's not nice and I'm not proud of how I feel but long term TTC can be very difficult. I appreciate that your friend was 'only' trying for a year and it doesn't sound like she had gone down the path of treatment yet but it still might have had a significant impact on her.

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles, that must have been so hard :(

I feel really fortunate and you're right will never really be able to relate

Thanks for taking the time to share your story and perspective, it's really helpful

I think the friendship sounds incredibly intense on both sides, why was she coming to you every time she had a negative pregnancy test and not sharing that disappointment with her partner? You have been living in each other’s pockets for years and maybe now she is realising that it’s time for her to be considering her partner and new baby a bit more and focus her energy and attention on them a bit. The old dynamic sounded a bit unhealthy, nothing sounds wrong with how things are now.

I'm sorry but you sound a little intense and suffocating. Calm it down a little.

Remember that most women aren't pregnancy bores and just get on with their lives without all the fussing.

*THEN you wrote

TBH OP you sound really, really intense.

Hampers, message every day, planning a meal out around her cravings? And perhaps most bizarre of all - timing trying to conceive around her. That would really put me off if you were my friend, and I’d seriously feel like I wanted a bit of space.

And, with the greatest of respect, I’m going to tell you something that I think won’t harm every new mum to know (and I wish Thai had been told to me) - nobody else but you, your OH and perhaps parents, give a shit that you’re pregnant.