To think that my friend is being ridiculous?

[qwerty1129]

DS is 5, 6 next week and I've been with my boyfriend for over a year but he doesn't live with us yet, he stays over a few nights a week and he always puts DS to bed when he does (DS asks).

On Saturday, my friend was here and so was my boyfriend. Boyfriend went to put DS to bed and I was with my friend, he had been a while so I went upstairs and he was asleep with DS cuddled up to him so I let them sleep.

I told my friend and she said it was ‘weird’ and I shouldn't let DS get attached to boyfriend as he isn't his real dad and he sees his dad (only once a month, sometimes not at all so he sees boyfriend more often).

Aibu here or is my friend being ridiculous?

@Alcemeg

I honestly think if the BF was doing shit, he'd have saved it for another night. Obviously this is no guarantee. But do we really want to live our lives dictated by perverts? What about a normal life?

It's NOT being dictated by perverts. It's having some basic common sense, appropriately boundaries and sensible safe guarding of a very young and therefore vulnerable child. Parenting 101 really.

The fact you're so resistant to the idea of simply protecting a child makes me wonder what on earth you allow in real life.

[quote Bobholll]@shamalidacdak - so you don’t think single mothers should ever get the chance of happiness again? That they should never have a boyfriend, never re-marry? Mum should just remain single & only live for her children & not herself at all

I think new partners need to be introduced carefully & appropriately but thousands of people re-marry each year. There are millions of blended families. There is zero child abuse going on in the vast vast vast majority of said families.[/quote]
No, just keep your relationship separate from your kids.

Your friend isn't being ridiculous, but you are.

This guy may be on the level and completely well meaning and nice.

But men who abuse children, are usually lovely, charming, plausible men. They don't just groom their victims, they groom their victims' family members, they are prepared to stay in someone's life for years before they start to abuse someone.

How long has he been putting your DS to bed? Whose idea was it? Reading him a story is fine, cuddling up to him, falling asleep with him, is absolutely not. It's a red flag.

As I say, he may simply be a very loving, sweet person who is naively unaware of the taboo around men and children. But lots of groomers adopt that persona and they target single mothers. Speaking as a single mother myself, this isn't coming from a place of prejudice. You need to be very, very careful and very watchful. Your friend has spotted something that set off her spidey senses and made her feel uncomfortable enough to comment negatively to you. How likely is it that she's just being a twat, is she normally sensible and supportive of you? If she is, then something has alerted her and maybe you should be trying to find out what it is.

Neither me or my husband have ever cuddled our kids. we give the little ones a kiss at night or maybe our kids an odd hug every now and then when they're upset or we're proud of them, but cuddling up with them just sounds...uhhh

Now that IS sad. Poor kids!

I think it’s fine but I’m clearly in the minority! I met my now DSD after being with her DF for six months, we moved in shortly after and married two years later. I didn’t do any personal care (toileting, baths, changing, bedtime) until it was initiated by her. For example, when we met initially she would ask dad to come with her to the toilet etc and I’d chill in a different room during bath time. Over time she’d start asking me to take her, bath her, etc too. If your DS is instigating this and seems happy I think it’s ok. Can you do bedtime together sometimes too? Some people on here are way OTT about time scales for things being appropriate!

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow where is the line on this 3 Bs rule then? I’ve helped raise my DSD since she was two and I’ve definitely bathed her and wiped her bum! What if the birth parent is widowed and the stepparent is doing half of the childcare to facilitate working hours? Where does a boundary like this stop?

I think if it were a female friend putting your son to bed, nobody would mind. YANBU, it is up to you to decide.

Nonsense argument. How many females abuse their friend's children? How many cases of that have you heard about? My guess is none. Now how many stories have you heard/read where a male stepfather figure abuses their partner's child? My guess is too many to count.

I despair at the idiocy of some women on this front.

YABVU to allow this OP. He might be the nicest guy in the world trying to have a lovely relationship with your son and it's sad that we can't give these men the benefit of the doubt but abuse is just too common. He can still have a nice relationship with your child but there needs to be solid boundaries. Not being in bed with your child should be one. He should know this is inappropriate. Perhaps because your child is a boy he thinks it's ok but it really isn't.

[quote Bobholll]@shamalidacdak - so you don’t think single mothers should ever get the chance of happiness again? That they should never have a boyfriend, never re-marry? Mum should just remain single & only live for her children & not herself at all

I think new partners need to be introduced carefully & appropriately but thousands of people re-marry each year. There are millions of blended families. There is zero child abuse going on in the vast vast vast majority of said families.[/quote]
That's true. But if it happens to you, the fact that it doesn't happen to millions of others, is cold comfort. And the fact remains that stepfathers are statistically more likely to abuse a child, than biological fathers are. And that child abusers specifically target single mothers and groom them so that they can get access to their children.

I don't know what the solution is. But red flags can't be ignored.

Very inappropriate. Your DC will be very confused if/when you split up. 2 years minimum between dating and even introducing your DC. So many mothers change boyfriends so often that men come in and out of the child's life so much it confuses them. Your friend is wise, 100% right and just looking out for the emotional/psychological wellbeing of your child.

[quote Waxonwaxoff0]@CowboyJo I'm a single mum, I will never introduce a man to my child. That does not mean being single forever, it just means I won't force any relationship I have on my child as well. Keep it separate.[/quote]
Until the child is how old?

@Tsuni

Where’s OP gone? 🤔

These comments have saddened me, it’s horrible to realise there’s parents that don’t give a shit about boundaries and safeguarding.

What a nasty horrible comment to make. No need at all. Yeah...wonder why the OP hasn't come back....🤔.

Yabu

I think if DS likes your boyfriend reading to him, a good alternative would be for you to do bedtime but maybe BF to read him one of his books with you both then you put him to bed. I think bedtime is quite a special bonding time and it is important to keep it between you and DS.

Why the frig do women do this shit. Put your child to bed yourself, he's 5! He's your responsibility. Men come and go, your child is yours forever. What happens when you break up next month and the poor child is confused. This is not acceptable behaviour from a mother

This is not okay. It is a parent’s job to protect their child. Children can be manipulated and just because your child says they want random stranger to take them to bed, does not mean you should allow it! Why would you allow some random man to fall asleep with your child?!?!
I have been a victim of abuse, by close family members. And my parents were completely oblivious.

Think of it this way; the only children I would want to sleep with are my own, putting kids to bed is boring and tedious. why would someone want to sleep with a random child? Wouldn’t you, as a child free adult, want to enjoy adult company or have an uninterrupted nights sleep?
Very, very weird!!!

He was curled up asleep with your child- brrr, too much. Michael Jackson vibes.

Any normal bloke I imagine would be cautious about stuff like this and make sure they didn't do stuff that might seem inappropriate. So even if he's not a paedo it's still weird.

I also think your friend is right. 1 year is too soon for that level of comfort

@Bakewelltart987 If this man was abusing this child then surely the child would not ask for him to put him to bed.

That is THE single most ignorant comment I have read on this site in all my years of being on here. How can you be this completely, and deeply ill-informed and ignorant? Please tell me you don't have children.

@Migrainesbythedozen, 💯 exactly!!! Why are people so delusional!!!! The fact this child is asking for this person to take them to bed, a stranger to them for all intents and purposes, is a massive 🚩🚩🚩🚩

@MissMaple82

Why the frig do women do this shit. Put your child to bed yourself, he's 5! He's your responsibility. Men come and go, your child is yours forever. What happens when you break up next month and the poor child is confused. This is not acceptable behaviour from a mother

I’m rarely one to bash women but I agree with this. It’s alarming how easily mothers think they’ve found a New Daddy and introduce them to the kids as such from so early on. What are they actually thinking?!

OP, your friend is right..
I think you need to rethink this ASAP.
Not appropriate! Let him read him a book downstairs.
Really surprised and worrying that you don’t see it!

Single mother here. You and your bf need to get some boundaries I'd say. Too much too soon.

@Silversprinkles

Neither me or my husband have ever cuddled our kids. we give the little ones a kiss at night or maybe our kids an odd hug every now and then when they're upset or we're proud of them, but cuddling up with them just sounds...uhhh

Now that IS sad. Poor kids!

How is that sad? We are still really affectionate with our kids. We hug them when they're sad, give them high fives, kiss them goodnight. We just don't cuddle up to them because it's not our way.

This would be a no from me.

I've worked for a baby sitting agency for many years and have put many , many children to bed who have met me for the first time an hour before. Is this OK because I'm paid ?
A huge over reaction here.