To think that my friend is being ridiculous?

[qwerty1129]

DS is 5, 6 next week and I've been with my boyfriend for over a year but he doesn't live with us yet, he stays over a few nights a week and he always puts DS to bed when he does (DS asks).

On Saturday, my friend was here and so was my boyfriend. Boyfriend went to put DS to bed and I was with my friend, he had been a while so I went upstairs and he was asleep with DS cuddled up to him so I let them sleep.

I told my friend and she said it was ‘weird’ and I shouldn't let DS get attached to boyfriend as he isn't his real dad and he sees his dad (only once a month, sometimes not at all so he sees boyfriend more often).

Aibu here or is my friend being ridiculous?

@PinkSyCo

Your friend’s right. You should not be letting your DS get so close emotionally to a man you’ve only been with for a year let alone physically. You do know that some pedophiles purposefully seek out single mothers like you don’t you?

Spot on , it's a well known fact that paedophiles seek vulnerable single mothers as they are able to get close unsupervised assess to their children ... You can think you know someone but in reality they could be a preditor .. If I was a single mum I wouldn't have any man or woman around my child unsupervised for a very very long time ... Also wouldn't you.think he's try and protect himself in this sort of situation and ask you to come to his bedroom ? Seems very odd...

I think your boyfriend cuddling your son is less odd than your lack of any desire to be around in any capacity to say goodnight.

What So OP isn't allowed to have a night off ever?
What about when DS is with his Dad, or if OP is out and has got a babysitter?
Sounds like DS looks forward to the BF being there and it's a treat for him to be read too by BF. What a shame it would be to spoil that.
OP has clearly known this man for at least a couple of years. At some point she must have decided she trusts him. Does she have to keep him at arms length for ever?

[quote FirstTimeSecondTime]@Migrainesbythedozen, 💯 exactly!!! Why are people so delusional!!!! The fact this child is asking for this person to take them to bed, a stranger to them for all intents and purposes, is a massive 🚩🚩🚩🚩[/quote]
OP and her partner have been together for 16 months and were friends before that, so the DS has probably known the partner for 1/3 or 1/2 of his life. That's longer than he's known his teachers, school friends, etc. DS won't see him as a stranger. That in itself is not a massive red flag.

I think the OP made the wrong decision. It is risky. But I can't get whipped up in Mumsnet's red flag and social services outrage.

No I wouldn't be comfortable with an unrelated male sleeping in the same bed as my DD. I think it's irresponsible you haven't been together that long and is your DC really old enough to tell you if anything had happened.

How do you think child sexual abuse happens?

@Fromthebirdsnest

Sorry but I would likely report you to social services for being so careless with your sons safety ,you should be just introducing him at a year in not having him as a Surragate father ! after a year there can be so much you don't know about him and your leaving him unsupervised in a bedroom with your 5 year old ? That's awful !

And what do you think SS would do with that information? They're busy with genuine cases of neglect.

I am surprised at someone’s comment that it’s not ok to sleep in with an auntie or granny etc. I’d trust my sister and mother more than anyone on the planet.

After a year, when OP's son asks for her boyfriend to put him to bed? That's ridiculous.

He asked for a story.
And he's 5.

And if a trusted adult friend becomes a boyfriend, should he stop seeing their children?
There is a difference between seeing children and putting them to bed and falling asleep cuddling them.

If one of my daughters asked one of my friends to read a story if they were at my house either I or the friend would say 'yes, off you go and choose one' and read it in the living room. I don't think it would cross either my or my friends mind to do it in the child's bed. Then I would put them to bed after the story.

@Snoozer11

I think your boyfriend cuddling your son is less odd than your lack of any desire to be around in any capacity to say goodnight.

Ffs! What a ridiculous assumption to make. Why do people insist on just making things up on this site. Why??

Even as a female I’d be wary of going into a kid’s bed to read a story to them. It’s something that you think most people would be aware of and not do.

OP has clearly known this man for at least a couple of years. At some point she must have decided she trusts him. Does she have to keep him at arms length for ever?

No, of course not. But she does have to put boundaries in place and stick with them. She should be bearing in mind that even the most loved up, seemingly invincible couple can split up. She should also realise that predatory adults can play a very, very long game when it comes to gaining access to children. Now it may all be innocent or it may be her DP is just incredibly naive with slightly skewed boundaries. But why risk it?

So fine, have a partner. Get close to him. But be wary of leaving that partner to cuddle up in bed with her very young son. I would initially say bed time stories fine, cuddling in bed not. However, he's now crossed a line. So I'd say no to the bedtime stories unless she's with them at the time.

My partner has a child. My partner and I are close. But I absolutely respect certain boundaries with respect to his child. If you cannot do that, you shouldn't date someone with children.

I’m sorry op but I agree with the majority. In my opinion after only 16 months your ds shouldn’t even have met your boyfriend yet.

Only you two know how serious the relationship is. If you have had a succession of boyfriends a year is too soon.

The undertone of the boyfriend being a child abuser on this thread is quiet shocking though.

@oviraptor21

What So OP isn't allowed to have a night off ever? What about when DS is with his Dad, or if OP is out and has got a babysitter? Sounds like DS looks forward to the BF being there and it's a treat for him to be read too by BF. What a shame it would be to spoil that. OP has clearly known this man for at least a couple of years. At some point she must have decided she trusts him. Does she have to keep him at arms length for ever?

I've got friends that I've known for 20+ years, I still wouldn't want them cuddling my son to sleep. It's about boundaries.

Put your own child to bed. It is about boundaries. If you child was a girl would you be comfortable with this ?. Boys are vulnerable too. Also would your child's real father be happy with this.
It sounds like you just want to play happy families and I agree with your friend 100%

The undertone of the boyfriend being a child abuser on this thread is quiet shocking though

No one is saying he is. Just that you have to be careful with access to your children as you never know. Most children who are abused are abused by people they know.

I agree
It’s unlikely this man IS an abuser but it’s about what is appropriate and this just isn’t. I wouldn’t want female friends doing this either
Plus it’s the child getting into a relationship with a man who has no ties to him and could just up and vanish.
It’s just too much too soon

Doesn't look like op is coming back. Probably because 99.9% of posters are saying this is not appropriate at this stage in her relationship.

I've got friends that I've known for 20+ years, I still wouldn't want them cuddling my son to sleep. It's about boundaries.

Nor relatives either? Babysitters? Nannies?

@oviraptor21

I've got friends that I've known for 20+ years, I still wouldn't want them cuddling my son to sleep. It's about boundaries.

Nor relatives either? Babysitters? Nannies?

No. None of those people have any need to cuddle a 5 year old in their bed.

@oviraptor21

What So OP isn't allowed to have a night off ever? What about when DS is with his Dad, or if OP is out and has got a babysitter? Sounds like DS looks forward to the BF being there and it's a treat for him to be read too by BF. What a shame it would be to spoil that. OP has clearly known this man for at least a couple of years. At some point she must have decided she trusts him. Does she have to keep him at arms length for ever?

Most paedophiles are very manipulative, and this means kids can have a strong attachment to them as it completely messes up their understanding of the world and nornal relationships. (eg young teens thinking the grooming Rochdale rapists were their 'boyfriends').

So children can really 'miss' their abusive (step) parents/family members when it is disclosed- kids will have attachments to people including those who abuse them, emotionally, physically and sexually.

A small child may trauma bond to abusers, also many kids who are sexually abused are terrified of what their abuser tells them :

A few examples from my experience:

A four year old whose experience tells them that sexual contact is normal with adult males is normal, so will ask Uncle X to bathe her as he sings funny songs and tickles her...

'It's our special secret' ... I recall one five year old distraught as he had 'broken his promise' and told his teacher about his sore bottom (uncle-attempted rape)

If you tell anyone, you won't see me again, and mummy won't have any money and you'll all starve- you dont want your baby sisters starving do you? (father eventually convicted for raping his daughter when she became pregnant at 12-he'd been abusing her from infant school).

Please don't be hopelessly naive.

It is truly, stomach churningly, awful to be with women, when they suddenly realise that their wouldn't-hurt-a-fly /he's - my-rock boyfriend has been grooming and (attempting) rape on their most precious children.

Please dobt be part of that group

@Jedsnewstar

Only you two know how serious the relationship is. If you have had a succession of boyfriends a year is too soon.

The undertone of the boyfriend being a child abuser on this thread is quiet shocking though.

This is not an undertone...

These are FACTS - every man who has abused a girlfriend's children starts with a version of this.

It will vary with the exact method- tjr person who said bums/beds and bathing is bang on... Be very cautious aroubd any man who is keen to do this... and the speed of grooming... (I've worked with a family where the new boyfriend molested the step child in the first couple of days.. Another met the woman online... Moved in, and waited for 4/5 years-his particular paedophilia was adolescent girls. He GROOMED the entire family for this time..

We hace no way of knowing if OPs boyfriend is a predatory paedophile... But then neither does she, she hasn't returned to the thread to say whether she has dobe ANY Sarah's law check on him.

The most 'successful' paedophiles are those that most people have a 'good gut feeling' about.

Utterly grim world.

Its hopelessly naive to think otherwise.

Ps even wkth Sarah's law checks cant tell you definitely whether person x is a paedophile, all they can report on is any covictions, ans any intelligence about them.

Again, the 'most successful' child abusers fly under radar