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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘A walk’ for a first date - yes or no?

437 replies

Anon778833 · 24/01/2022 11:35

AIBU to think it’s lazy? In a way, I can see how walking around with someone can be a good way to get to know what they’re like but for a first date?

I’m trying to sift out the ones to avoid. Which I am never good at.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 25/01/2022 20:01

I'm tall and slim. I'm also quite striking so I know I can wear walking gear and look good.

Great. I'm 5'7" with unruly hair and a contract from the MoD to allow the army to use my boobs as combat missiles in the event of war. I absolutely cannot wear walking gear and look good, in fact I have to keep moving so that people don't mistake me for one of the landmarks on the Ordnance Survey. Forgive me, but when you first said something along the lines of "oh, men can't be fooled by what you wear or your makeup" or whatever it was, I knew you'd never had to try out this particular brand of magic, which I assure you exists.

And of course I take my true form at times. But for a first date? I'd rather look pretty and I'd rather avoid a man who's more concerned about not spending money.

BertramLacey · 25/01/2022 20:16

As for walking to ‘see’ things; what?! What could possibly pique your interest in the town you live in?!

Quite a lot, that's why I live there. It's just a small market town but generally there will be something odd or quirky around. I mean it's the kind of place where there's no cinema, but a film club that has a raffle with a tin of biscuits as the prize, but if you like lowkey and quirky it's great.

DrSbaitso · 25/01/2022 20:21

Well, maybe if I were tall, slim, striking, looked good in walking gear and lived in a quirky market town that fascinated me with something new to discover every time you went in, I would also enjoy a low key walking first date.

(Actually, nah. It would still be crap.)

BertramLacey · 25/01/2022 20:24

And of course I take my true form at times. But for a first date? I'd rather look pretty and I'd rather avoid a man who's more concerned about not spending money.

Well I hope you find what you're looking for and someone who's right for you, if that's what you want and if you haven't found that person already. OLD can be tough for anyone and everyone.

DrSbaitso · 25/01/2022 20:42

@BertramLacey

And of course I take my true form at times. But for a first date? I'd rather look pretty and I'd rather avoid a man who's more concerned about not spending money.

Well I hope you find what you're looking for and someone who's right for you, if that's what you want and if you haven't found that person already. OLD can be tough for anyone and everyone.

Thank you. I'm happily married, thank God.
phoenixrosehere · 25/01/2022 20:52

It's pretty unsurprising that lots of people want to look nice on a date....it's part of how humans attract a mate..

Where did I say it was unsurprising? One can look nice on a walk. Why is that difficult to believe/understand? I wore what I usually wear everyday on dates unless we were going to a place that warranted more like a restaurant with a certain dress code and keeping in mind the weather and transport. I wanted dates to see me as I am not some dressed up version that I’m not going to maintain after a few dates. Saying that, me dressing up is applying eyeshadow and mascara and wearing heels otherwise I wear a tinted lip balm or lip stain, clothes are usually a top, skinny jeans/flares and some type of flats whether that was boots, trainers, ballet flats, etc, sometimes I wear a casual dress or top and skirt. Never had an issue attracting dates because of it.

It's accepted that men can look good in outdoors mode as well as suited and booted, sad that women don't think the same applies to them.

Right. Looking nice or your best doesn’t have to mean “dolled up”, but there is also nothing wrong with that if that’s what makes you feel confident.

The thing is it's not unreasonable if you don't want to go for a walk either. We all have different preferences and you can suggest something else instead. No one's saying that everyone has to love the idea of a walk. Most people are just saying it's not inherently unreasonable of a man to suggest it, and it doesn't mean he's cheap or tight or means he'll treat you badly.

This!!!

gogohm · 25/01/2022 20:52

Surely it depends on the man, I was wearing walking gear, no makeup and had a cold, he's snuggled up with me now!

CupOfNiceTea · 25/01/2022 21:10

@DrSbaitso

Got it. I go by dress code, venue, and weather.

I do too, which is one reason why I don't want a walk for a first date. Because of what the dress code, venue and weather would demand I wear.

If I actually believed any of you people really couldn't fathom wanting to look your best for a first date, I might be puzzled by all this.

If you accept walk as an first date, I don’t think the man expects you to impress him either….
DrSbaitso · 25/01/2022 21:17

If you accept walk as an first date, I don’t think the man expects you to impress him either….

Just as well!

DdraigGoch · 25/01/2022 21:24

@CRbear

I’m surprised to read the “says they don’t want to spend money on you” comments- even if they did want to, I don’t want that! And it takes that potential awkwardness away. 9/10 first dates I didn’t want to go on another so would never have accepted the man paying.
Likewise, I thought that it was pretty normal these days for a couple to split the bill on a first date.
Flyinggeese1234 · 25/01/2022 21:46

@FrustratedTeddyLamp

Just don't be texting them " thanks for the walk" at 11:30 OP
Topical!
nalabae · 25/01/2022 21:47

not in this weather
in the summer if we were then going to find a restaurant to eat, look around shops then walk off the food no problem

HelloFrostyMorning · 25/01/2022 21:50

@theleafandnotthetree

Most men I have ever been with have said they find me (and other women) most attractive when they are natural and windswept and in normal clothes. And unless you're living in Antarctica, no real need for thermals or even a woolly hat most days...

I don't give a shit how most men 'find me most attractive.' I will dress and look exactly how I want, WHEN I want. I have had men in the distant past thinking it's acceptable to tell me what I look better wearing, and what I should wear, and how I should look. When was younger it was always that women should always wear stilettoes and skirts, or dresses.

And I've also had men telling me I look better without make up. One man even told me I would look much better with a lot more weight on me, and he kept constantly plying me with cakes and chips when I went to his house.

Fuck how any man prefers a woman to look. EVERY WOMAN should dress, and look how SHE WANTS to look, not how MEN want her to look.

The 'women look better without make up' one is a classic negging line by men. They know that most women look better with make up on, and feel way more attractive with it on, and they worry that other men may fancy you, so that's why they hate you wearing it. They can chit chat to any woman they want, but God forbid you are chatty with other men, and certainly NOT when you have lots of make up on!

I even had a boyfriend once who chatted to other women a lot, and flirted with them greatly, yet when I had banter and chat with men, he scowled at me. He 'jokingly' called me a fucking slag, for chatting to a group of workmen one time, then dismissed me and said I was 'silly' when I kicked off and said he was disgusting to call me that. 'I was obviously joking.' he said Hmm Yeah hilarious, being called a slag for talking to other men is a fucking hoot! Hmm

So yeah, like fuck will I look how any man wants me to look. MY opinion on how I look is the most important.

theleafandnotthetree · 25/01/2022 22:00

[quote HelloFrostyMorning]@theleafandnotthetree

Most men I have ever been with have said they find me (and other women) most attractive when they are natural and windswept and in normal clothes. And unless you're living in Antarctica, no real need for thermals or even a woolly hat most days...

I don't give a shit how most men 'find me most attractive.' I will dress and look exactly how I want, WHEN I want. I have had men in the distant past thinking it's acceptable to tell me what I look better wearing, and what I should wear, and how I should look. When was younger it was always that women should always wear stilettoes and skirts, or dresses.

And I've also had men telling me I look better without make up. One man even told me I would look much better with a lot more weight on me, and he kept constantly plying me with cakes and chips when I went to his house.

Fuck how any man prefers a woman to look. EVERY WOMAN should dress, and look how SHE WANTS to look, not how MEN want her to look.

The 'women look better without make up' one is a classic negging line by men. They know that most women look better with make up on, and feel way more attractive with it on, and they worry that other men may fancy you, so that's why they hate you wearing it. They can chit chat to any woman they want, but God forbid you are chatty with other men, and certainly NOT when you have lots of make up on!

I even had a boyfriend once who chatted to other women a lot, and flirted with them greatly, yet when I had banter and chat with men, he scowled at me. He 'jokingly' called me a fucking slag, for chatting to a group of workmen one time, then dismissed me and said I was 'silly' when I kicked off and said he was disgusting to call me that. 'I was obviously joking.' he said Hmm Yeah hilarious, being called a slag for talking to other men is a fucking hoot! Hmm

So yeah, like fuck will I look how any man wants me to look. MY opinion on how I look is the most important.[/quote]
I am sorry that has been your experience but two of the men in my life who have commented that I looked my best working in the garden with my wellies on and my hair in a pony tail are about as far from your characterisation as its possible to get. They didn't 'stop' me from getting dressed up nor encourage me too but complimented me sincerely when I did. In other words, I dressed as I wished and appropriate to the occasion and they loved me either way but particularly liked me more natural (i.e as I am without artifice). I took that as a good thing! But now I see they were abusive bastards playing some game with me Hmm

Ineedaduvetday · 26/01/2022 06:19

@Itsnotover

Having asked him about where the walk would be, he replied. 'Well we could see where we end up'

I get the distinct impression that he is hoping we would end up at his house. So that's a no.

That would be a no from me too. Very lazy.
ErinTingey · 26/01/2022 06:26

I think a lot of people who are frequent car users probably couldn’t cope with a walk longer than ten minutes either (mobility issues excepted, of course). I know a few people who can’t walk more than a mile without being exhausted (unfitness, not health issues) and they’d probably balk at this as a date idea.

Wow, there's a sweeping statement. I just don't like going for walks particularly unless there is a good reason. I can walk and walk far but meeting a new guy and shuffling round the streets to a park in January is not my idea of fun.

Itsnotover · 26/01/2022 08:55

The last few days I've stopped talking to him and all of a sudden he wants to go to a nice bar.

So yeah, it looks like he was trying to get away with as little as possible and knew exactly what he was doing.

AuntyBumBum · 26/01/2022 09:04

@Itsnotover

The last few days I've stopped talking to him and all of a sudden he wants to go to a nice bar.

So yeah, it looks like he was trying to get away with as little as possible and knew exactly what he was doing.

Cheapskate - give him a miss.
DrSbaitso · 26/01/2022 09:45

@Itsnotover

The last few days I've stopped talking to him and all of a sudden he wants to go to a nice bar.

So yeah, it looks like he was trying to get away with as little as possible and knew exactly what he was doing.

Fancy that!
Itsnotover · 26/01/2022 10:20

I wonder if this will make people reassess whether a walking date really is any good. But what some people describe in such a context is entirely different and more thoughtful. This wasn't one of those times.

MangoM · 26/01/2022 10:26

My now husband of ten years did walking days for a good few months before finally going for a meal. I thought it was a great way to chat without the distraction of ordering food, worrying how you look while eating, etc.

I think it might be a good indication of an outdoorsy personality on his part. If you're so horrified at the idea of going for a walk it might suggest you're not very compatible.

AuldAlliance · 26/01/2022 10:36

I'd far rather go for a walk than to a bar. Easier to talk, easier to avoid unwanted physical contact and, with someone met online, to avoid a situation where your drink might be spiked or similar.
Cheapskate isn't really a concept that crosses my mind, TBH.

DrSbaitso · 26/01/2022 10:51

@Itsnotover

I wonder if this will make people reassess whether a walking date really is any good. But what some people describe in such a context is entirely different and more thoughtful. This wasn't one of those times.
A lot of them weren't describing a random walk in your local park as a date (or even one where you just "see where you end up"), they were describing days out to particular attractions, which are something else entirely.
theleafandnotthetree · 26/01/2022 10:54

@Itsnotover

The last few days I've stopped talking to him and all of a sudden he wants to go to a nice bar.

So yeah, it looks like he was trying to get away with as little as possible and knew exactly what he was doing.

Or he realised it wasn't your kind of thing and suggested something else because he is interested in and would like to meet you? Or maybe he wants to meet for a walk only because he is a cheapskate? You don't really know which it is but I think it's a bit unfair to jump to the latter. Clearly you're done with him which is grand but sounds more like incompatibility than that he has done anything objectively wrong.
ChristmasFluff · 26/01/2022 11:54

Actually, a walk is a much better first meet (rather than date) than a bar. A first meet is to suss out if this person is ok enough to spend a few hours with - so if someone suggested a walk, I'd suggest, a route I knew that would talk about half an hour. That's plenty, and gives you an option of going for coffee if you are really enjoying yourself.

Not about being a cheapskate - more about screening out people that are a definite 'no' without having to spend a whole evening with them.

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