Losing the will to live getting ready for school!

[UndertheCedartree]

My DD is 9yo. Her older DB has autism and I'm starting to suspect perhaps she has too.

Mornings before school are awful especially Monday mornings. She fusses from the moment she gets up to the moment I drop her at school. After Monday she's usually ok by the time we leave and if I'm lucky even after she is dressed. I find the crying and need for me to constantly prompt her incredibly difficult. I end up just zoning out. I'm looking for any ideas that might help things run a bit smoother. I don't feel I am handling it very well.

This is what the morning routine is meant to be:
7.20am I wake DD up (I've already got ready) She comes down stairs with her blanket and snuggles on the sofa
7.30am She eats her breakfast
7.45am She gets dressed (downstairs - we get clothes ready the night before - she has a bath at bedtime so just quick wash in morning)
7.55am I do her hair
8am She goes upstairs to wash face, hands and brush teeth
8.10am Get bag ready, shoes and coat on
8.20am Leave for school

What actually happens:
7.20am I wake DD up. She doesn't want to get up and starts crying. After much cajoling I manage to get her downstairs where she goes back to sleep on the sofa
7.35am I've made DD's breakfast but need to wake her up again. Cue more fussing and crying.
7.40am DD is now awake but her porridge is too hot or her cereal doesn't have enough milk etc More cajoling to get her to eat.
7.55am Start panicking about the time and try and rush DD through her breakfast. As more fussing ensues my patience is wearing thin!
8am Encourage DD to get dressed. She keeps trying to go back to sleep on the sofa. Prompt each clothing item in order. Stress about the time and remind DD we will be late if she doesn't hurry. Cue loads of crying and panicking from her. Sound like a stuck record repeatedly telling her to get dressed. Start zoning out the crying
8.15am I do DD's hair while she cries that I am hurting her. At the end of my tether...
8.20am No time for washing/brushing teeth - give her a mint!! Finally snap and raise my voice telling her to put on her coat and shoes. She can't find them as she did not put her shoes on the shoe rack or coat on her hook despite constant reminders!
8.30 Have to fast walk to school in order to not be late. At this point just focusing on getting there and ignoring DD's crying.

Please help!

That sounds really stressful.
First off, what time does she go to bed? Would moving bedtime forward by 30mins help her to be less tired in the morning?
Second give her shorter hair so it doesn't hurt to brush.
Third, maybe wash face and do teeth before eating to help wake her up and to ensure teeth get done?

Stressing about being late will probably make things worse. Play games to help with dressing instead - eg can you get your short on before I ....

That’s a lot of crying for a 9 year old.

I’d brush teeth/wash before breakfast, so as soon as she wakes. It’s better for teeth anyway, apparently.

Is she getting enough sleep?

I would stop the time on the sofa and get her involved in helping to wake her up a bit.

Have you tried visuals with her? May help her with getting dressed and give her a bit more autonomy in it all.

Is anything else relying on her being at school in time? If not the biggest difference I found was changing my attitude and just focusing on getting there. School agreed with us that the important thing was getting there happy.

Is she happy in school?

I have 2 DS, younger than yours. It can absolutely be a pita in the mornings. The first rule, whatever day it us, is that they get up and go to the bathroom. Wee, wash, teeth. All before they go downstairs.

Then they have breakfast, at the table. School mornings are generally cereal only. Porridge takes forever to stop being as hot as lava, and just adds unnecessary time. If we are all up early they might have porridge but not otherwise.

Then they get dressed and brush hair. Then, if there is time, they were watching TV but we are having screen free week atm as I'm fed up of their addiction to it. So this morning they helped me with the animals

I'd cut out the sofa - it's just prolonging the agony.

Could she wake up a bit earlier? My DD is incredibly slow in the morning and it's not a problem we have solved but I find your schedule quite tight. Maybe if you wake her at 7am there will be a bit more slack and you can both relax a bit?

Agree with looking at bedtimes.

Not sure if your DD would think this too childish but a picture timetable worked for my DN when she stayed with us. It was huge - wall sized - a picture of each activity with a checkbox next to it. She used a wipe-clean pen to tick off each activity (brushing teeth, doing hair) and see what's next. When she got to the bottom there was an optional activity - draw a happy, sad or silly face. Depending what she'd drawn that would be the thing we'd talk about in the car on the way to school.

I also used Alexa to sound the alarms when it was time to move on to the next activity - diverted the blame... It possibly just worked because she was with us rather than at home but it meant it wasn't me pushing her quite so much and she didn't feel overwhelmed with not having done what she needs to do.

What time does she go to bed?
I would not let her bring a blanket down and go back to sleep on the sofa
In this house you do everything you need to do upstairs first, then down, breakfast, shoes and out the door, none of this up down up down business that’s too faffy

Also agree with banning sofa time in the morning. That's the kiss of death for any morning routine, mine included!

I'd be tempted to wake her up abit earlier so she has more time to wake herself up.
Waking up and straight into getting ready, then leave is stressful enough for anyone.
Give her abit time to wake up.

Can you do french plaits or anything? Do them before she goes to bed, then your cutting out the hair brushing and some upset.

What time does she go to sleep?
I do thank that sounds a bit unusual for a 9 year old. My 9 year old has autism and for him mornings can be chaotic but more just keeping him on task because he finds a book or game or something more interesting to do on the way to brushing his teeth.

Oh also we do getting dressed before coming down for breakfast. I think if he came down in pyjamas I'd never manage to get him dressed.

I would wake her up earlier too and give her an extra ten minutes "coming round" time, then get her dressed, washed, teeth brushed when she wakes up and before she comes down for breakfast.

It seems like a lot of back and forth, so maybe try streamlining a bit?
Get up and go straight to bathroom, do wee/wash/teeth/hair and get dressed in there. Then sit at table to eat cereal or whatever.
If her bags/shoes are ready by the door the night before, then she should have time to watch a bit of tv before you leave?
This helped my DD as she knew that she would get a bit of time to relax again before we left as long as everything else was ready but the tv wasn’t going on until it was!

Our routine (if this helps?)

7am - wake up. Toilet, teeth, wash face.
7.15 - get dressed
7.30 - head to kitchen
7.30 -8am breakfast cereal, toast, porridge
8 -8.15 do hair, get bag ready
8.15 - 8.30 head out of house

I think the sofa time is a problem. It's prolonging the sleepy/rest time. I would go from waking up straight to getting ready.

I second what others have said about more sleep? Earlier bedtime?

Would a morning shower help with waking up?

Wake her up earlier. Biggest thing that changed in our house is I do everything upstairs before we go down, dressed, teeth, hair. Dd is not allowed back upstairs once she is downstairs. Then it's just breakfast, coat, shoes downstairs.
I also gave up on the shouting. I just said OK I'll call the school and tell them you'll be late. She once had to go through reception because she refused to get dressed. She hasn't done it again.

Would being late once make her change?

I'd do all of the 'upstairs' stuff in one go - dresses, teeth, wash, then downstairs for breakfast, face wipe, shoes, out the door. It reduces the number of transitions so might feel smoother

I can remember those days well, I have two DS’ 21 mths apart, school mornings were always hassle, often walked out of the door, with one of them crying or sometimes both! It does get easier, my two are 20 & nearly 19 now, totally best friends, but as little ones they were always fighting, drove me around the bend at times. Used to feel like I had already done a days work, by the time I got to the office.

Oh I forgot; I also go and and give her a kiss/wake her up before I make my coffee so she has a few mins to “come round” before she has to get out of bed!

I'd wake her at 7 rather than 7.20 and put her to bed earlier to compensate for it. I agree about doing face/teeth before breakfast too to help wake her up. Is she getting enough iron? Tiredness can be a sign she isn't so a vitamin supplement could be worth trying.

I'd offer just cereal or fruit and yoghurt on a school morning because porridge is too much of a faff when you're on a time limit. Get her to get dressed while you're sorting out her breakfast, it'll help wake her up some more and stops her going back to sleep while waiting for it, just leave off her jumper/cardigan in case of any slops.

Plait her hair before bed each night so that it's tangle-free in the morning, makes it much easier as you can undo it and either replait it or put it in a ponytail. A detangling spray helps and if you're running short on time in the morning you can just tidy up the bedtime plait with some spray and a comb without having to undo it all.

Would a visual schedule help her? You could laminate it so she can tick off as she goes.

And if all else fails after youve done everything you can, let her be late. On mornings when my DC take the absolute piss I point out to them that I am doing x, y, and z to get them ready on time but if they don't want to engage then that's fine, I left school over twenty years ago so it's not me who will get a de-merit for being late. That's usually enough to put a rocket up them.

Oh, I've never heard of brushing teeth before Breakfast, but I will be looking into that too, as I have a 9 to who is a pita in the mornings. I know it's bedtime for us though 😫

I agree that the sofa may be making it worse.

With my children I try and help them wake naturally by turning on music and their light as I head to the bathroom, so when I do go in to wake them properly 10 mins later, they are already rousing.

Would an earlier bedtime help? I know it doesn't always work, it doesn't with my 11yo.. who is also a nightmare to get out of bed on a school day.

Toilet, teeth, wash and clothes happen in our house before breakfast. Helps get everyone woken up. I was also told by a hygienist that you should clean your teeth before eating / drinking in the morning to get rid of the bacteria in your mouth (otherewise you swallow it 🤢).

I have had a checklist for my daughter to work through in the past, otherwise we get excuses like she 'forgot' to clean her teeth.

What time does she get up at the weekends? Is it worth trying to keep the same routine all week as the change in routine, and possibly sleep pattern, on a Monday seems to be an issue.

My dentist told me it was good practice to brush your teeth before eating, when you eat, it creates an acidic environment in your mouth which temporarily softens your tooth enamel, if you brush straight after eating it can damage the enamel.

No blanket on the sofa unless she is totally ready for school.
I'd get her up earlier (possibly with an earlier bedtime), breakfast, bathroom, clothes/hair, then sofa and TV until time to go if everything done in time.
Might a sunrise lamp help? Set the light to start coming on at 6.45, ready for her to get up at 7am.

The constantly trying to go back to sleep could well be driving a lot of it. She needs to go to bed earlier so that she is waking naturally earlier.

With a child this age it could take weeks to adjust her body clock and you will probably need to eliminate screens/light in the evenings. Make sure she's exposed to daylight as early as possible in the morning.

I'd start working on this now otherwise it will be even worse when the clocks move in march.