Losing the will to live getting ready for school!

[UndertheCedartree]

My DD is 9yo. Her older DB has autism and I'm starting to suspect perhaps she has too.

Mornings before school are awful especially Monday mornings. She fusses from the moment she gets up to the moment I drop her at school. After Monday she's usually ok by the time we leave and if I'm lucky even after she is dressed. I find the crying and need for me to constantly prompt her incredibly difficult. I end up just zoning out. I'm looking for any ideas that might help things run a bit smoother. I don't feel I am handling it very well.

This is what the morning routine is meant to be:
7.20am I wake DD up (I've already got ready) She comes down stairs with her blanket and snuggles on the sofa
7.30am She eats her breakfast
7.45am She gets dressed (downstairs - we get clothes ready the night before - she has a bath at bedtime so just quick wash in morning)
7.55am I do her hair
8am She goes upstairs to wash face, hands and brush teeth
8.10am Get bag ready, shoes and coat on
8.20am Leave for school

What actually happens:
7.20am I wake DD up. She doesn't want to get up and starts crying. After much cajoling I manage to get her downstairs where she goes back to sleep on the sofa
7.35am I've made DD's breakfast but need to wake her up again. Cue more fussing and crying.
7.40am DD is now awake but her porridge is too hot or her cereal doesn't have enough milk etc More cajoling to get her to eat.
7.55am Start panicking about the time and try and rush DD through her breakfast. As more fussing ensues my patience is wearing thin!
8am Encourage DD to get dressed. She keeps trying to go back to sleep on the sofa. Prompt each clothing item in order. Stress about the time and remind DD we will be late if she doesn't hurry. Cue loads of crying and panicking from her. Sound like a stuck record repeatedly telling her to get dressed. Start zoning out the crying
8.15am I do DD's hair while she cries that I am hurting her. At the end of my tether...
8.20am No time for washing/brushing teeth - give her a mint!! Finally snap and raise my voice telling her to put on her coat and shoes. She can't find them as she did not put her shoes on the shoe rack or coat on her hook despite constant reminders!
8.30 Have to fast walk to school in order to not be late. At this point just focusing on getting there and ignoring DD's crying.

Please help!

Bed an hour earlier (is she struggling to settle at night? Speak to GP about melatonin)
Wake her up ten minutes earlier.
Have clothes all ready in bedroom and dress her before she leaves the room.
Down for breakfast
Have face cloth, toothpaste & toothbrush permanently by the kitchen sink and do those there.
You take responsibility for checking her bag, coat and shoes are in the place they need to be every evening as soon as she comes in from school/finishes homework. Don’t just trust her to do it, walk her through it everyday.

I would do as much as possible before she wakes up - have breakfast ready if it's porridge so it's cooled down in time, check bag and shoes are in the right place, choose an outfit with her the night before and have it ready in her room. Especially if she has ASD this predictability/having things ready to go could limit upset and anxiety.

Sounds hard work op. Sorry to hear this. Sorry to say this but this is behaviour I'd expect from an unruly pre schooler. Not a 9 year old. You're right to feel drained but you can change this around.

-move bed time to 30mins earlier

-wake her up at 7am (which means you'll need to get up a bit earlier to get everything ready but worth it to fix the situation). You need more time so you're not nagging and she doesn't feel rushed.

-prep breakfast before you wake her. Make sure temperature is perfect. Enough milk etc. Maybe prep something else ? She could be bored from porridge. Greek yogurt and fruit ? Cheerios ? Toast ?

-she gets up at 7 and goes straight to the table to eat breakfast. No need to go near the sofa. Don't let her eat in front on telly or on sofa...

If she's trying to go back onto the sofa after breakfast, don't let her. I'd suggest try getting her dressed either upstairs so she can't return to sofa... or next to the table straight after food.

Then teeth, hair, shoes, coat afterwards. Make sure bag coat and shoes are ready (unfortunately you'll need to baby her in these first instances).

Out the door.

If she's wasting time over breakfast and you're getting stressed. I'd suggest pausing breakfast and skip to getting ready. She might not be hungry so early in the morning. If she's dragging her feet over the food eating, move onto getting ready. You could then offer fruit and toast to eat whilst walking to school. Change it up. Do something radically different. Some will frown at this but at least she'll have brushed her teeth and had something to eat. Don't skip teeth brushing op, they're so important. X

Finally you can do some reading online and and check out Amy McCready - positive parenting solutions (author 'if I have to tell you one more time'). She has lots of positive and pragmatic tips to help children and parents in your situation. She helps parents build up autonomy and independence over time, because there comes a point where your daughter needs to be able to get herself ready and you don't want to be helping/nagging her for ever.

Best of luck! X

Has she always been like this or is it a recent change? Could she be having a growth spurt and be needing more sleep? Talk to her in the evening about how you both can make it better, but make it clear that you are not willing to carry on like this. I have a 10yo DD with ASD and she is able to sit down with me and figure out what changes she would like to make, it isn't a reason for me to manage everything for her. If I say "you were tired this morning, so you are going to bed earlier tonight," she goes - it's logical and clear.

I agree that she needs to go to bed earlier until she is behaving better in the morning, keep putting it forward until you find the right time, so she's getting enough sleep. I would also move the breakfast from the sofa to the table, put the sofa completely out of bounds in the morning. Maybe wash the cushion covers and make it not an option the first day, rather than a point of contention.

Involve her in the decision making - say "if you are not dressed in the next ten minutes then you are going to bed 10 minutes earlier tonight and getting up ten minutes earlier tomorrow morning." Then leave her to it - let her see the issue in context rather than a panic. Similarly "you can either brush your own hair, let me brush it without fuss or have a hair cut?"

I would have a few cereal bars in as well, if she doesn't eat her breakfast in time then chuck her a cereal bar for the school run but dragging out the timescale isn't an option.

Good luck, hopefully more sleep will be enough to fix it, it's amazing how much difference it makes!

My son is autistic and the morning is constant reminders. The visual plan may be worth a try but also a quick reminder before the end of the task/beginning a new one as he needs time to prepare in his head. ‘After this brush your hair’, ‘you have one minute to finish … and then you have to brush your hair’, ‘…is finished, now it’s time to brush your hair’. It’s a pain but you kind of get into a routine yourself and hopefully you’ll both be calmer on the walk to school.

I have 4, they all go to school/nursery every day.

Our house is chaotic in the mornings, but we muddle through. Basically because it is one of the times of day when I will take absolutely no nonsense, because otherwise it won't happen. I don't shout or threaten them (because it all falls apart if I don't stay calm) but I am sometimes very firm.

I wake up at 6.45 with the smallest one, give him cereal, he eats while I dress/wash myself. Then I wake the others at 7. As soon as they are up (7.05 latest) they have to get moving - my morning motto is "first take care of business" - they are not allowed to negotiate, argue or diddle with anything until they are dressed, have eaten and drunk something and brushed teeth/washed faces. Bags, shoes and jackets are prepared (by them) the night before.

If the older 2 are slow, we prioritise getting dressed and washed and they get a banana or a sandwich to eat as they walk to school, but usually they manage to scoff a bowl of cereal and a glass of orange juice before they go. They leave the house at 8 at the latest to walk to school by themselves. I walk the smaller two slightly later, around 8.10 because they still need help with teeth etc and can take a bit longer.. although if they are ready in time we all walk together.

My eldest is also 9.

Personally I’d let her sleep half an hour longer if she’s still tired and won’t go to sleep any earlier, get rid of sofa time, all washing/dressing/getting ready tasks done before coming downstairs, breakfast at the table if there’s still time, if not then a homemade flapjack or similar on the way to school.

I agree with others it doesnt scream asd.

More tiredness.
What time is she asleep. Is she getting 10+ hours?

I suspect my dc have asd.
Dc2 6 is hard currently to wake but that has been since its been dark in mornings and cold. In summer she hardly sleeps. Also she has been ill a lot recently. She does toilet, then milk yoghurt and strawberries/grapes. Clothes - me putting them on her. Hair then teeth.
Dc1 9. Milk toast and honey or peanut butter or wheetabix. Me dressing her, hair glasses, toilet. Teeth.

Having to dress them is a common theme it seems with asd kids. I think mine
Dont want to go to school/get cold/stop watching tv/playing on their game. But honestly even without that dc1 can just do nothing for ages.

Mine can get dressed quickly on weekends but sometimes that is a battle too

She sounds like my 10 year old who has additional support needs. Things that work are having plenty of time in the morning to wake and bring herself round, really simple breakfast, all clothes laid out in her room for her to get dressed before coming downstairs, hair in plaits after washing. The plaits usually come out before going to school but makes morning brushing really easy. Once I realised brushing hair is physically painful for her I took more time and am very gentle with her.

It’s difficult because you have a deadline to be out the door. We leave at 8.20, my DD wakes around 7 so she has lots of time in the morning. She really does need time to come to and can’t cope with rushing - she gets very panicked and tearful, I just build in time and give lots of reminders. I also remind myself she’s doing her best, frustrating as it may be for me.

@TeenPlusCat

That sounds really stressful. First off, what time does she go to bed? Would moving bedtime forward by 30mins help her to be less tired in the morning? Second give her shorter hair so it doesn't hurt to brush. Third, maybe wash face and do teeth before eating to help wake her up and to ensure teeth get done?

Stressing about being late will probably make things worse. Play games to help with dressing instead - eg can you get your short on before I ....

I start winding her down for bed at 8pm with the aim of light off at 9pm. She does struggle to get to sleep at times especially after the weekend. She wouldn't want her hair cut. To be honest this part isn't too bad it's more if we're rushing. When we aren't she brushes her hair herself and then I put it up for her. That sounds a good idea to try washing face first, thank you.

@DixonD

That’s a lot of crying for a 9 year old.

I’d brush teeth/wash before breakfast, so as soon as she wakes. It’s better for teeth anyway, apparently.

Tell me about it!

I'd send her to bed earlier and wake her up a bit earlier.

Our routine:
6:45 wake DD 10
6:50 she hits the sofa with her blanket
7:00 I start delivering pancakes and she starts eating
7:30 We head upstairs for wash, teeth and dressing. It takes ages!
7:50 We head back down for hair, shoes, school bag, etc..
8:00 we leave the house.

I think you need more time than you have in your routine.

@Sirzy

Is she getting enough sleep?

I would stop the time on the sofa and get her involved in helping to wake her up a bit.

Have you tried visuals with her? May help her with getting dressed and give her a bit more autonomy in it all.

Is anything else relying on her being at school in time? If not the biggest difference I found was changing my attitude and just focusing on getting there. School agreed with us that the important thing was getting there happy.

Is she happy in school?

Especially a Sunday night she finds it hard to sleep. I think it is partly that I let her stay up late on a Saturday (which is a real treat for her) so her routine is broken and the excitement of the weekend.

Good idea about her helping with breakfast. Maybe I should concentrate on getting her fully awake. I've not tried visuals.

Yes, I agree about I'd rather be late and happy than the opposite. But she stresses out so much at the thought of being late even though school are very relaxed about it. If we're late she will go in crying which I hate.

To compound this she has 11+ club twice a week where she has to be in at 8am! I might stop this, though if it just makes things worse.

Generally, she is very happy at school. She has a fantastic teacher this year and her confidence has blossomed. She also has Play therapy that she loves. There have been a few issues that the teacher has really helped with. There is another issue that has cropped up that I need to deal with, though.

No advice but this is absolutely what it’s like in the mornings for my ASD child too. Things that help are:
Getting to bed early (me for patience, them for emotional regulation)
Laying out clothes (you already do that!)
Giving them the job of getting fresh sock and putting them in their shoes when we get home and supervising this
Sensory circuit (we have one planned by an OT)
Having 2nd toothbrush and toothpaste downstairs
Making jokes even when I’m stressed e.g goodness that cereal must be starting to come alive you’ve left it so long to eat… you’d better eat it quickly (make sure they know I am joking.. then they find it funny)
Letting school know its tough so I personally feel less pressure to get there on time which usually means we are more likely to get there on time.

Some kids need support. Get your head round that and it gets easier. Mostly. (Because it just becomes normal routine) Then all of a sudden they are doing something on their own.

Two autistic teens here. One getting ready fairly independently. One still needs support. Easier now I ring that one from downstairs. It's less intrusive.

@AliveAndSleeping

Could she wake up a bit earlier? My DD is incredibly slow in the morning and it's not a problem we have solved but I find your schedule quite tight. Maybe if you wake her at 7am there will be a bit more slack and you can both relax a bit?

Yes, I think this is worth a try. I used to get her up at 7 but after Covid when she didn't need to be in so early I changed it hoping a bit more sleep would help.

If she stays up late on Saturday night, then she'll be overtired by Sunday night.
I think consistent bedtimes is better, but if you must stay up late maybe make it Friday instead and only 30mins?
I think the normal bedtime is too late anyway, especially if she isn't waking up properly when she needs to.

Would she respond to being told that the later night on a Saturday is conditional to sensible getting up and ready during the week? Explain that it’s obviously making her too tired so unless she shows she can get up she can’t stay up.

@Maflingo

It seems like a lot of back and forth, so maybe try streamlining a bit? Get up and go straight to bathroom, do wee/wash/teeth/hair and get dressed in there. Then sit at table to eat cereal or whatever. If her bags/shoes are ready by the door the night before, then she should have time to watch a bit of tv before you leave? This helped my DD as she knew that she would get a bit of time to relax again before we left as long as everything else was ready but the tv wasn’t going on until it was!

I like the idea of her having some time to relax before school. Yes, we definitely need to get bag shoes and coat where they should be for the morning.

@Bretzen

Also agree with banning sofa time in the morning. That's the kiss of death for any morning routine, mine included!

I think I need to get her helping with breakfast because our table is in the living room so if I leave her in there while I make breakfast she will be on the sofa! 😴

I think she is going to bed far too late. Get her to bed earlier and up earlier, she clearly needs more sleep. So if up at 7 then in bed to sleep at 8. And I’d rethink Saturday staying up.

Can she get dressed immediately on waiting and also do teeth downstairs, in kitchen. For my toddlers not going up and downstairs made a big difference and whenever there’s any funny business now they are older, we opt for that again. I think she’s overtired and you need to focus on that.

As others suggested no up n down stairs no blanket on sofa that's deadly...
Get her hair cut so it doesn't need doing every morning beyond a brush..... hair grows she can have long hair when she's time for it..

It maybe worth looking at sleep cycles is she in v deep sleep when your trying to get her up....? So earlier maybe better ....you can get simple watches that record onto an app if she'd like to see it..? Maybe evidence based decision may work for her
Sunshine alarm??

Don't change everything at once...work out your new plan then involve her for ideas....then 1 thing at a time

@livingthegoodlife

Our routine (if this helps?)

7am - wake up. Toilet, teeth, wash face.
7.15 - get dressed
7.30 - head to kitchen
7.30 -8am breakfast cereal, toast, porridge
8 -8.15 do hair, get bag ready
8.15 - 8.30 head out of house

I think the sofa time is a problem. It's prolonging the sleepy/rest time. I would go from waking up straight to getting ready.

I second what others have said about more sleep? Earlier bedtime?

Would a morning shower help with waking up?

Thank you, that's helpful

She won't have showers, unfortunately. She doesn't like the feel of it. The more I write these things down the more I feel she may be ND. It's a shame as I find a morning shower really helps with waking up.

I have an son with ASD (secondary school age) who has very similar issues around school, especially on a Monday. When he is actually at school it's a lot better (he is at a SEN school) it's just the start of the week/day. What we have found works well is having a white board in his room where we write down his set routine for each day with times and what will happen. We also add something to look forward to every day. So on a Monday for example, he has his favourite dinner after school which he helps to make. On a Tuesday we pick his sister up from college and he gets to go in the shop and pick a chocolate bar. Just small things but it's been really positive.