Losing the will to live getting ready for school!

[UndertheCedartree]

My DD is 9yo. Her older DB has autism and I'm starting to suspect perhaps she has too.

Mornings before school are awful especially Monday mornings. She fusses from the moment she gets up to the moment I drop her at school. After Monday she's usually ok by the time we leave and if I'm lucky even after she is dressed. I find the crying and need for me to constantly prompt her incredibly difficult. I end up just zoning out. I'm looking for any ideas that might help things run a bit smoother. I don't feel I am handling it very well.

This is what the morning routine is meant to be:
7.20am I wake DD up (I've already got ready) She comes down stairs with her blanket and snuggles on the sofa
7.30am She eats her breakfast
7.45am She gets dressed (downstairs - we get clothes ready the night before - she has a bath at bedtime so just quick wash in morning)
7.55am I do her hair
8am She goes upstairs to wash face, hands and brush teeth
8.10am Get bag ready, shoes and coat on
8.20am Leave for school

What actually happens:
7.20am I wake DD up. She doesn't want to get up and starts crying. After much cajoling I manage to get her downstairs where she goes back to sleep on the sofa
7.35am I've made DD's breakfast but need to wake her up again. Cue more fussing and crying.
7.40am DD is now awake but her porridge is too hot or her cereal doesn't have enough milk etc More cajoling to get her to eat.
7.55am Start panicking about the time and try and rush DD through her breakfast. As more fussing ensues my patience is wearing thin!
8am Encourage DD to get dressed. She keeps trying to go back to sleep on the sofa. Prompt each clothing item in order. Stress about the time and remind DD we will be late if she doesn't hurry. Cue loads of crying and panicking from her. Sound like a stuck record repeatedly telling her to get dressed. Start zoning out the crying
8.15am I do DD's hair while she cries that I am hurting her. At the end of my tether...
8.20am No time for washing/brushing teeth - give her a mint!! Finally snap and raise my voice telling her to put on her coat and shoes. She can't find them as she did not put her shoes on the shoe rack or coat on her hook despite constant reminders!
8.30 Have to fast walk to school in order to not be late. At this point just focusing on getting there and ignoring DD's crying.

Please help!

@magicstars

Agree with PP- maybe she needs an earlier bedtime? I'm wondering if bedtimes are a slog though too & she's asleep later than intended?

My Ds can be hard work in the mornings. I've found waking him up with upbeat music playing on his room to help his motivation. Bill withers - lovely day, wake up boo, good day sunshine, that kinda thing.

Yes, it can be difficult to get her to sleep. If she is asleep by 9 then I think she has enough sleep but if she struggles at bedtime then I think she doesn't.

I have a 6 year old and it can be stressful, but most days it goes quite straight forward. This is because I’ve learned he has to get dressed upstairs first, no going downstairs for breakfast until he is. This has made a world of difference. He is always up, I never have to wake him, which must make it tricky with your DD. She definitely needs to wake earlier. My DS isn’t allowed downstairs before 7, but he’s often dressed by that time as if he’s up at 6:30am he’ll get dressed.

Socks are always an issue in this house and this morning it was time to leave and he was crying about his socks (sensory issues with them, I believe) and didn’t have any on. I amazed myself with how calm I kept and he managed to find a suitable pair. So being no nonsense but calm also helps I think!

He will definitely be including socks in his getting dressed before going downstairs, from now on (he is usually always bare foot and socks go on at the same time as shoes).

Have a big think about what goes wrong and address it - too late getting up, change it to an earlier wake up time. Too late for breakfast - keep breakfast options simple and limited until you find yourself with more time. No sofa/blanket time until she is fully ready (if my DS is fully ready including teeth brushed and coat and shoes on, he’s allowed the TV on until it’s time to leave. Rarely happens to be honest).

Hi OP, my DD (12) has additional needs. We find keeping her bedtime the same every single night really helps. She thinks she gets to stay up later on a Saturday, but in reality we just have tea earlier then have a movie night that ends at her usual bedtime (8.30pm).

Lots of good advice from other posters about doing everything upstairs (dressed/wash/teeth) before she comes down. You could set the table ready for breakfast the night before, with cereals/bowls etc so it all ready to go without "sofa time" first.

Our dd absolutely cannot get stressed or she has a meltdown. Being super organised (everything ready the night before) is the only way we can avoid this.

Also this hairbrush is great - its the only one DD can tolerate and is very gentle:

www.amazon.co.uk/Denman-Tangle-Tamer-Ultra-Brush/dp/B010UXX5WG/ref=asc_df_B010UXX5WG/?hvlocphy=1007348&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=310754896709&hvpone&hvlocint&th=1&hvpos&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-403449061365&hvrand=242264033230962933

She does sounds autistic, to be honest.

You really need to get an evaluation/diagnosis going. Asap.

Get her to bed earlier.
Get her up 30 minutes earlier.
Don't let her loll on the sofa.

Also - I would sit her down and have a good talk with her about how she has to get up and get ready to go to school on time.

9 is quite old for so much whinging and crying.
At least if you knew whether she is NT or ASD, you could work from there.

DD is only 5 so might not work as well but I've found it much easier if I get ready with her rather than before her. Our routine is

7am: gently wake
7:10: get up, teeth brushing (this is a reverse race where she who brushes longest wins, DD always wins)
7:20: get dressed, this is an actual race, I have to help with buttons on uniform days, DD always wins or draws.
7:30: hair, she's just learned to do a pony tail, so she brushes, I brush (she's not quite there yet) and she puts it up.
7:35: breakfast, I allow this in front of the TV because I'm a lazy parent.
8:30: actual last minute to leave the house, if we leave earlier she gets to play in the park before school (drop off is in the park).

Bag, shoes, coat are by the door the night before. Clothes for the next day are out in her room, if it's super cold I pop them by the radiator for ten mins.

DD is the slowest eater in the land, but you can see there's a lot of slack built in, we could get up just before 8, but that leads to stress and shouting.

Oh I totally feel you. I'm dreading when my partner starts commuting again as at least I have help now. I have 1 autistic child, 1 with ADHD and sensory needs and 1 preschool with no diagnosis as yet.
What helps is me getting myself and all their stuff organised first. I lower expectations of what they can manage. For example they can technically get themselves dressed but it takes so many reminders that I get so stressed so it's just easiest and less stressful to help them myself after 1 reminder.
I remind myself they are probably anxious about the day ahead so I reduce extra demands as much as possible.
1 is fairly demand avoidant and struggles with transitions so I can't expect normal parenting techniques to work. Bribes, punishments don't help and can make things worse.
I ideally leave myself extra time (so aim to leave by 8:30 when in reality I could leave at 8.40).
I still make mistakes and raise my voice. It's really hard doing everything - essentially doing as much care as I would for a 4 year old but it's what's needed here for now. I'm sure they'll not want mum dressing them forever!

I sympathise, OP, my son is similar, especially on Mondays as you say, being the transition day. All I can say is that you have to build in more time than an hour to do all those things, given you know she’ll take a lot more time than you’ve allowed for each step. Bed earlier, so you can wake her earlier and she won’t be going back to sleep once she’s up.

Out of bed, wash and into clothes (laid out) before she comes down for breakfast. Toothbrushes downstairs ready for after breakfast. Then ‘only’ breakfast, teeth and hair to do before you go.

It’s difficult, and natural to zone out when they’re this hard work. I’d just keep up with the brisk attitude and soothing noises until you’re in the car.

Oh god! I feel for you!
Son 13 is repeatedly woken from 6.45 until I end up like a banshee threatening to bann every electronic device in the world if he's not up in 5/10....mins.
Every morning!
Asked to get bag ready night before, had everything on bed. Didn't pack it, doesn't want those trainers/bottle whatever...... Where's his [insert any item ], I don't know its not mine, you said everything was packec. This is so stupid. Repeat repeat repeat.
Has no electronics in his room, doesn't find it easy to fall asleep, and then can't wake every SCHOOL morning! (we have had lots of input/support with no difference)
Does. My. Head. In.

Poor you. I couldn't stomach it. All that crying. Fuck that. She sounds so miserable. Why on earth hasn't an ASD referral been made a long time ago. Is GP refusing?

You are autistic? Its never occurred to you before that she is? Have problems always been this bad? School never said anything? Are school supportive?

I would never encourage going back upstairs again once they're down! All necessary clothes downstairs the night before. Shoes by door with socks in. Toothbrush in downstairs loo (kitchen sink if no downstairs loo). Schoolbag by front door ready packed. And somehow ASD ADHD 9 year old is ready after a billion or so reminders. Yours does sound tired though and I think 9pm is quite a late bedtime.

She’s overtired and sounds ND. The BBC Saturday late nights are messing with her body clock and she can’t cope.

Bring Saturday bedtime forward a bit, and also earlier lights out in a Sunday. Audio books helped one of mine who struggled to sleep, so that might help?

Waking her at 7 so she’s got time to come around properly before getting up might also help. My ND child struggled with transitions and time to get himself in the right headspace helped him.

No advice but watching for advice because my 8 year old DD is exactly the same. Every morning ends in shouting and tantrums 😫

@SlashBeef

Oh also we do getting dressed before coming down for breakfast. I think if he came down in pyjamas I'd never manage to get him dressed.

Same here. Older one (11) just does it naturally alone now. Little one I dress as soon as he is out of bed. That's the hard bit done straight off!

@Oblomov22

You are autistic? Its never occurred to you before that she is? Have problems always been this bad? School never said anything? Are school supportive?

I might be autistic it doesn't mean I'm able to diagnose her! The problem is we are all different. She has always coped much better with things than her brother. School has raised no concerns although have been supportive. But when she was in Infants her behaviour was similar to many little ones. She also lived with her dad between age 5-8. Her anxiety was put down to Covid the last couple of years. It really isn't that straightforward.

@Vispa

Hi OP, my DD (12) has additional needs. We find keeping her bedtime the same every single night really helps. She thinks she gets to stay up later on a Saturday, but in reality we just have tea earlier then have a movie night that ends at her usual bedtime (8.30pm).

Lots of good advice from other posters about doing everything upstairs (dressed/wash/teeth) before she comes down. You could set the table ready for breakfast the night before, with cereals/bowls etc so it all ready to go without "sofa time" first.

Our dd absolutely cannot get stressed or she has a meltdown. Being super organised (everything ready the night before) is the only way we can avoid this.

Also this hairbrush is great - its the only one DD can tolerate and is very gentle:

]]

Thank you - good advice and I'll have a look at the brush

@GiantHaystacks2021

She does sounds autistic, to be honest.

You really need to get an evaluation/diagnosis going. Asap.

Get her to bed earlier.
Get her up 30 minutes earlier.
Don't let her loll on the sofa.

Also - I would sit her down and have a good talk with her about how she has to get up and get ready to go to school on time.

9 is quite old for so much whinging and crying.
At least if you knew whether she is NT or ASD, you could work from there.

I have got an appointment at school on Thursday.

I have had a chat with DD and she likes the idea of trying a new routine. So we have a bath running and planning on lights off at 8.30pm and then I will wake her at 7am as she has said she would like to try getting up earlier. She has got her school uniform out and is currently going round the house with her book trying to find her bag to put her book in and also to find her coat! We will try getting dressed/teeth/hair etc before going down and I'll have her bowl and cereal ready so hopefully we can avoid sofa time! Wish me luck! I think once we find a good routine I'll do her a written list that she can tick off to encourage independence. But one step at a time!

@wherestheremotenow

Oh I totally feel you. I'm dreading when my partner starts commuting again as at least I have help now. I have 1 autistic child, 1 with ADHD and sensory needs and 1 preschool with no diagnosis as yet. What helps is me getting myself and all their stuff organised first. I lower expectations of what they can manage. For example they can technically get themselves dressed but it takes so many reminders that I get so stressed so it's just easiest and less stressful to help them myself after 1 reminder. I remind myself they are probably anxious about the day ahead so I reduce extra demands as much as possible. 1 is fairly demand avoidant and struggles with transitions so I can't expect normal parenting techniques to work. Bribes, punishments don't help and can make things worse. I ideally leave myself extra time (so aim to leave by 8:30 when in reality I could leave at 8.40). I still make mistakes and raise my voice. It's really hard doing everything - essentially doing as much care as I would for a 4 year old but it's what's needed here for now. I'm sure they'll not want mum dressing them forever!

Yep, my 14yo doesn't still want me to dress him! We can leave 5 min late and still be on time but I think I'll move that to 10 min now we are getting up earlier.

@safclass

Oh god! I feel for you! Son 13 is repeatedly woken from 6.45 until I end up like a banshee threatening to bann every electronic device in the world if he's not up in 5/10....mins. Every morning! Asked to get bag ready night before, had everything on bed. Didn't pack it, doesn't want those trainers/bottle whatever...... Where's his [insert any item ], I don't know its not mine, you said everything was packec. This is so stupid. Repeat repeat repeat. Has no electronics in his room, doesn't find it easy to fall asleep, and then can't wake every SCHOOL morning! (we have had lots of input/support with no difference) Does. My. Head. In.

I feel for you so much! And it's even worse when they are teenagers as you can't actually get them dressed yourself!! I know my eldest is 14.

@Doggydreaming

No advice but watching for advice because my 8 year old DD is exactly the same. Every morning ends in shouting and tantrums 😫

I'm sorry - it's so hard, isn't it?

Bring forward bedtime. Simplify the morning routine, up, bathroom, downstairs (no blanket), dressed (no time on sofa), eat, hair (but cut shorter to ease discomfort) and out the door after breakfast. A flow through the house with no going back and no time for lounging, bring your leaving time forward to allow for slippage or time to handover at school.

With ds 7 it's

7.30 wake him up
7.35 to 8.10 eat breakfast/TV
8.10 get dressed
8.20 brush teeth
8.35 leave house

He goes to bed ar 7.45/8pm

Sounds like you’ve got a routine of getting clothes ready night before so include coat, shoes and bag in that?
Earlier bedtime if she’s so tired.
Straight to bathroom for washing and teeth. A cold splash on face used to wake me up.
Dressed in bedroom not downstairs.
It’s possible you are hurting with the hair, could you try some different styles? Maybe a bob if she doesn’t like the feeling of having it put up.
Breakfast eaten at table.
Radio could be put on but defo no screens.
No blankets brought downstairs and no sofa involved.
If not ready on time then it’s breakfast that is being skipped not teeth!