Losing the will to live getting ready for school!

[UndertheCedartree]

My DD is 9yo. Her older DB has autism and I'm starting to suspect perhaps she has too.

Mornings before school are awful especially Monday mornings. She fusses from the moment she gets up to the moment I drop her at school. After Monday she's usually ok by the time we leave and if I'm lucky even after she is dressed. I find the crying and need for me to constantly prompt her incredibly difficult. I end up just zoning out. I'm looking for any ideas that might help things run a bit smoother. I don't feel I am handling it very well.

This is what the morning routine is meant to be:
7.20am I wake DD up (I've already got ready) She comes down stairs with her blanket and snuggles on the sofa
7.30am She eats her breakfast
7.45am She gets dressed (downstairs - we get clothes ready the night before - she has a bath at bedtime so just quick wash in morning)
7.55am I do her hair
8am She goes upstairs to wash face, hands and brush teeth
8.10am Get bag ready, shoes and coat on
8.20am Leave for school

What actually happens:
7.20am I wake DD up. She doesn't want to get up and starts crying. After much cajoling I manage to get her downstairs where she goes back to sleep on the sofa
7.35am I've made DD's breakfast but need to wake her up again. Cue more fussing and crying.
7.40am DD is now awake but her porridge is too hot or her cereal doesn't have enough milk etc More cajoling to get her to eat.
7.55am Start panicking about the time and try and rush DD through her breakfast. As more fussing ensues my patience is wearing thin!
8am Encourage DD to get dressed. She keeps trying to go back to sleep on the sofa. Prompt each clothing item in order. Stress about the time and remind DD we will be late if she doesn't hurry. Cue loads of crying and panicking from her. Sound like a stuck record repeatedly telling her to get dressed. Start zoning out the crying
8.15am I do DD's hair while she cries that I am hurting her. At the end of my tether...
8.20am No time for washing/brushing teeth - give her a mint!! Finally snap and raise my voice telling her to put on her coat and shoes. She can't find them as she did not put her shoes on the shoe rack or coat on her hook despite constant reminders!
8.30 Have to fast walk to school in order to not be late. At this point just focusing on getting there and ignoring DD's crying.

Please help!

I have high functioning autism. I was faster in the morning because my mother expected it. Breakfast was tough for me. I drank juice and often had toast in the car. Toast and easy fruit on the walk to school will help. Can you pack her a morning snack as well? My folks paid for me to have mid morning lunch at school, which was a half pink of plain milk and two whole Graham crackers or tea biscuits. This was at an old fashioned girls’ school, had held onto this custom for a century with eleveneses.

@UndertheCedartree this is nearly making my cry, my 7 year old is the same as this, every morning she wakes up shouting and crying that she dosen’t want to go, throws her clothes away. It takes forever to persuade her to get dressed. She can dress herself but won’t. She gets really anxious about going to school. Arguments about breakfast not wanting any then wanting it as soon as we need to leave. She seems to really struggle with transitions, leaving the house, hates having a shower. We get shouted at it we move her Lego or toys. It’s exhausting to stay patient all the time. I don’t know what we can do with regard to getting her help as the school haven’t raised any concerns, apart from in reception that she didn’t respond to her name being called. Is there any point me making a GP appointment?

@JenniferAlisonPhilippaSue

Sounds like you’ve got a routine of getting clothes ready night before so include coat, shoes and bag in that? Earlier bedtime if she’s so tired. Straight to bathroom for washing and teeth. A cold splash on face used to wake me up. Dressed in bedroom not downstairs. It’s possible you are hurting with the hair, could you try some different styles? Maybe a bob if she doesn’t like the feeling of having it put up. Breakfast eaten at table. Radio could be put on but defo no screens. No blankets brought downstairs and no sofa involved. If not ready on time then it’s breakfast that is being skipped not teeth!

Yes, it sounds good to make sure teeth aren't missed! Unfortunately I couldn't get away with shorter hair. Her fine baby hair has only just started growing and thickening in the last couple of years and she loves it. She's happy to have it put up just doesn't like the brushing. But hopefully if things are less rushed we will have time for her to do it herself.

I thought all was lost tonight as while I was reading her a story she started crying as her wobbly tooth was hurting. I managed to jolly her along and we got through it. I took her into her room and put a yoto card on of bedtime piano music and cuddled her for a bit. She was snuggled up with eyes closed when I kissed her goodnight at 8.30. So here's hoping she is well rested for tomorrow and we'll have a much better morning.

@Ericaequites

I have high functioning autism. I was faster in the morning because my mother expected it. Breakfast was tough for me. I drank juice and often had toast in the car. Toast and easy fruit on the walk to school will help. Can you pack her a morning snack as well? My folks paid for me to have mid morning lunch at school, which was a half pink of plain milk and two whole Graham crackers or tea biscuits. This was at an old fashioned girls’ school, had held onto this custom for a century with eleveneses.

My mum always calls a mid morning snack 'eleveneses'!

She won't eat toast. But I usually have croissants or brioche in that she could eat on the way to school if necessary. She also has snacks in her bag if she is hungry at playtime.

I have always found getting up, washed, dressed before going downstairs is the only way. If you are all in pjs for breakfast you've left the worst bit for the worst time. I also agree that starting at 7.20 and expecting to be out of the door at 8.30 isn't reasonable. I'd wake at 7 latest for that which would probably mean putting music on and lights on at 6.55 or a bit earlier.

[quote fuckoffjournalists]@UndertheCedartree this is nearly making my cry, my 7 year old is the same as this, every morning she wakes up shouting and crying that she dosen’t want to go, throws her clothes away. It takes forever to persuade her to get dressed. She can dress herself but won’t. She gets really anxious about going to school. Arguments about breakfast not wanting any then wanting it as soon as we need to leave. She seems to really struggle with transitions, leaving the house, hates having a shower. We get shouted at it we move her Lego or toys. It’s exhausting to stay patient all the time. I don’t know what we can do with regard to getting her help as the school haven’t raised any concerns, apart from in reception that she didn’t respond to her name being called. Is there any point me making a GP appointment?[/quote]
Yes, that all sounds very difficult. Definitely go to the GP. Can you talk to the Senco at school too. But sometimes they are fine at school and it all comes out at home.

I know lots of people say how difficult it is to go through the process of diagnosis but in all honesty it was quite straight forward with my DS. He went a slightly different route though as we saw CAMHS first as he was head banging. They said autistic traits but no co-morbidity so referred him to the child development centre. He was seen by a paediatrician who then referred him to OT. Then he was referred for autism assessment. We got an appointment, he saw the paediatrician and speech therapist and was diagnosed. It did take about 2 years but was very straight forward.

@Barbie222

I have always found getting up, washed, dressed before going downstairs is the only way. If you are all in pjs for breakfast you've left the worst bit for the worst time. I also agree that starting at 7.20 and expecting to be out of the door at 8.30 isn't reasonable. I'd wake at 7 latest for that which would probably mean putting music on and lights on at 6.55 or a bit earlier.

We're not all in pjs. I get up earlier and am already sorted. Her DB goes to college later so only need to sort the 9yo.

The key in our house is that I sort EVERYTHING the night before. Bags packed, lunches made, water bottles filled & in the fridge. Uniforms hung up with underwear & shoes beside them. Jacket at front door. DD7 is independent anyway but I basically set her up to win. She also has her own alarm that wakes her before I even go into her room so if I need to go in after shes already awake. She gets 11 hours of sleep a night and if she is too tired in the morning we agree to bed 15minutes earlier that night which absolutely motivates her to get up on time. It's not a punishment more of a natural consequence.

Cut out everything but the essentials.

I am autistic and have 3 kids, one autistic.

The things that are necessary for going to school are being dressed, eating breakfast, and brushing teeth. Toothbrush is next to the kitchen sink so happens straight after breakfast.

Once you've done that you can have television or iPad until it's time to put shoes on and go. The tv and screens lock themselves at that time. This means they have the motivation of up to an hour(!!) of screen time. It's rare that they manage more than five minutes but their concept of time is shit so everyone's happy.

Brush hair (and plait) the night before. Sort bag the night before. Wash face the night before. Not ideal but doesn't matter.

I would definitely try a weighted blanket, it’s been a game changer for us, my 9 year does kick it off so it’s not a miracle cure to getting to sleep but it does help. DC granny can make all 5 DGC ranging in age (up to 16) nap with her combination of weighted blanket/hot water bottle (supervised) and audio books/desert island discs. I would try a weighted blanket to get to sleep, fingers crossed things settle.

@UndertheCedartree- Anything carbohydrate with little or no added sugar at breakfast is a win. Agreeing on and laying out clothes the night before helps. My mother wouldn’t let me read in the morning because nothing would happen. I’d be wicked distracted. Sofa time and screens need to go. Keeping moving helps. Frequent yelling, smacks, and star charts don’t.

Thanks @UndertheCedartree I’ll try our GP and see where we go from there. Hope your mornings get a bit easier. We’re getting up earlier tomorrow, shame I’m not an early morning person at all though!

I think aiming for more independence is the way to go, have conversations with her about what she needs to do to get herself ready. All the 8 and 9 year olds in my school can and do get themselves changed for PE and sort out their own hair, so she is playing you if she is making out she can’t do it. If she’s too tired in the morning then she needs to go to bed earlier. Let her face the consequences of not being ready on time, which will be a stern conversation at school if you’ve pre-warned them. And keep making bedtime earlier and earlier until she can get up. Once she’s up, she can get washed and dressed upstairs, and shoes on as soon as she goes down for breakfast. Sofa/tv only allowed once she’s completely ready.
At 9 she’s too old to be making such a fuss. If she needs quiet, time and strict routine you can help with that by letting her set her alarm early enough to give her the time she needs to get ready calmly.

When it gets to the weekend, work out how much sleep time she needs naturally to wake up by herself, without being woken. Eg note what time she goes to bed, the what time she wakes naturally.

That tells you how many hours sleep she needs.

Then gradually move the bedtime earlier until she wakes up naturally at 7am.

She will be ready to be awake, more alert and able to keep up with what needs you happen in the morning if she wakes when she is ready to rather than you rousing her.

@Oinkypig

I would definitely try a weighted blanket, it’s been a game changer for us, my 9 year does kick it off so it’s not a miracle cure to getting to sleep but it does help. DC granny can make all 5 DGC ranging in age (up to 16) nap with her combination of weighted blanket/hot water bottle (supervised) and audio books/desert island discs. I would try a weighted blanket to get to sleep, fingers crossed things settle.

Thank you. I think a weighted blanket is worth a try.

@DelphiniumBlue

I think aiming for more independence is the way to go, have conversations with her about what she needs to do to get herself ready. All the 8 and 9 year olds in my school can and do get themselves changed for PE and sort out their own hair, so she is playing you if she is making out she can’t do it. If she’s too tired in the morning then she needs to go to bed earlier. Let her face the consequences of not being ready on time, which will be a stern conversation at school if you’ve pre-warned them. And keep making bedtime earlier and earlier until she can get up. Once she’s up, she can get washed and dressed upstairs, and shoes on as soon as she goes down for breakfast. Sofa/tv only allowed once she’s completely ready. At 9 she’s too old to be making such a fuss. If she needs quiet, time and strict routine you can help with that by letting her set her alarm early enough to give her the time she needs to get ready calmly.

@DelphiniumBlue - did you miss this isn't a behaviour issue. It is a neuro diverse issue. I really hope you don't treat the ND children at school like this. School would never have a 'stern conversation'!

Get up, wash, dress, go down straight to the table, no sofa. For a while we had a alarm with a 5 minutes reminder and I stayed in her room to watch her getting up. It annoyed her so much, she got up before her second alarm.

Cold cereals or a jam sandwich or anything fast. You can cut fruit the night before if she would eat it in the morning.

Teeth downstairs if you have a toilet there. The idea of brushing before eating may also work.

Hair - how long is it? Could you plait it in the evening, that normally helps with brushing in the morning. Otherwise, a shorter cut may work. With 9, you can't really dictate the hair length but maybe talk to her in a moment of peace what she likes to do with it to make it easier.

I've noticed that the only suggestion you're ignoring is the need for your DD to have an earlier bedtime. Thinking of moving the bedtime for a struggling 9 year old to 8.30pm suggests she actually goes to bed much, much later. At least aim for a 7.30pm in bed and lights out for 7.45pm and olay around with the timings before asking the gp for medication or other intervention.

I'm another one saying your DD is going to bed far far too late and that's the first thing to look into.

I have exactly the same with my dd9 she has ASD. Mornings are unbelievably stressful and we can't leave until she looks perfect. We are late for school every day but the senco team and teacher are aware of the reasons so that's taken a bit if the stress away. I have to get her physically dressed myself. She just hates it.

It sounds like (possibly the main) issue is that she's tired. My (year 7) 12 year old struggles to get up at 7:15 if she's not gone to bed until 9. Some children need more sleep and at 9, I suspect that she still needs around 11 hours of sleep. If she has issues actually going off to sleep, then she needs to be in bed earlier so that she's falling asleep at the desired time. Weekends - staying up a bit late is fine but anything more than 30-60 mins beyond her usual bedtime will disrupt her sleep pattern so that she struggles to get back to normal on Sunday.
Ideally you need to be at a point where she's waking naturally around the time you need to be getting up. Ditch the sofa time - this is just an extension of the bed. Get up and sit at the table to eat.
I think you'll find that once she's more awake due to getting more sleep, the rest of the morning will flow more smoothly. Imagine if you were being hauled out of bed earlier than you would naturally be awake and then forced to have breakfast whilst still nodding off.

Our girls' routine.
Ages 9 and 10.
Family dinner 5-6pm
Bath 7 pm
Bed at 8 pm
Up at 7 am
They make their own breakfast.
Back upstairs for teeth, hair, and dressing.
Out of door for 830 am.
Outside the school at 840 am.

Most of the time it works well, with reminders, although we do have the occasional meltdown over a missing shoe or another child-led tantrum. Sometimes they're just grumpy, just like adults.

When they were going to nursery it wasn't organized like that, it was a bit of a nightmare, sometimes one would undress whilst the other was readied, arguing about brushing teeth. All fun and games.

@OfstedOffred

When it gets to the weekend, work out how much sleep time she needs naturally to wake up by herself, without being woken. Eg note what time she goes to bed, the what time she wakes naturally.

That tells you how many hours sleep she needs.

Then gradually move the bedtime earlier until she wakes up naturally at 7am.

She will be ready to be awake, more alert and able to keep up with what needs you happen in the morning if she wakes when she is ready to rather than you rousing her.

Yes, that makes sense.

@Becles

I've noticed that the only suggestion you're ignoring is the need for your DD to have an earlier bedtime. Thinking of moving the bedtime for a struggling 9 year old to 8.30pm suggests she actually goes to bed much, much later. At least aim for a 7.30pm in bed and lights out for 7.45pm and olay around with the timings before asking the gp for medication or other intervention.

I'm another one saying your DD is going to bed far far too late and that's the first thing to look into.

I'm not ignoring it at all but it was suggested on the first page so I responded to it then. Suggesting changing to 8.30pm (so how am I ignoring it?)does not mean she goes to bed much, much later! I explained she gets into bed at 8pm, lights out at 9pm. I have to say this seems a pretty normal bedtime for her peers and 10 hours seems to be the suggested amount of sleep a 9 yo needs. Anyway as I have already said we did into bed at 7.30pm and lights out at 8.30pm last night. (Much earlier wouldn't work due to evening activities). I woke her earlier, though. I think around 10 hours is what she needs (she was well rested this morning)but it is about getting her settled for bed and starting earlier gives more time for that. Children with ASD can struggle to settle for sleep - just because you put them to bed it doesn't mean they'll sleep - it is much more complicated than that.

@lollipoprainbow

I have exactly the same with my dd9 she has ASD. Mornings are unbelievably stressful and we can't leave until she looks perfect. We are late for school every day but the senco team and teacher are aware of the reasons so that's taken a bit if the stress away. I have to get her physically dressed myself. She just hates it.

It is so hard, isn't it? I'm glad school have been supportive.

Oooh I have one of those, though he's only 6. Probably has ADHD. Surprisingly the mornings he has to get up early and go to breakfast club because I am working are the least stressful because there are less things to organise - get dressed, teeth and out the door.

On other mornings, I play 'The Lazy Song' full volume on my bedroom alexa to wake him up. He then changes it to whatever random song he's into that morning. I do finger food in the bedroom so there's no up and down the stairs (I know, not great for table manners but needs must in the morning) - hot cross bun/brioche/bread and butter depending what I've got. I nag but usually end up dressing him (perfectly capable of doing itself but one battle not worth fighting in the morning). It seems to work.