Page 4 | Losing the will to live getting ready for school!

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 24/01/2022 12:24

@Sirzy

Would she respond to being told that the later night on a Saturday is conditional to sensible getting up and ready during the week? Explain that it’s obviously making her too tired so unless she shows she can get up she can’t stay up.

It's worth a try!

OP posts:

NYnewstart · 24/01/2022 12:25

Strange as it seems, we too were later the more time we had. There wasn’t the same need for urgency so slow became slower and we were even later out the door.

itwasntaparty · 24/01/2022 12:27

Dts are 10 and morning have only recently become bearable. They get up at 615, hop into bed with me until 645, downstairs for breakfast, upstairs for teeth and getting dressed. There is always some element of dicking about at this point. They shower in the evenings and have never washed their faces in the morning...

They come back down around 730, sort their break snack and water bottles. Then and only if they are ready to walk out the door they can watch some tv. They don't leave until 815.

They have their hair in bobs now which cuts out the hideous trying to sort the hair out.

They are upstairs at 2000 and lights out at 2045. They wake up at 615 regardless of what time they go to bed, I'm quite strict about that for everyone's sanity. Staying up late at the weekend doesn't work for them but they don't have to read on Friday / Saturday so upstairs around 2030 to get into bed.

I think there's a huge difference between 9 and 10 though in terms of the responsibility the can are willing to take on.

3Daddy31982 · 24/01/2022 12:28

@UndertheCedartree

My DD is 9yo. Her older DB has autism and I'm starting to suspect perhaps she has too.

Mornings before school are awful especially Monday mornings. She fusses from the moment she gets up to the moment I drop her at school. After Monday she's usually ok by the time we leave and if I'm lucky even after she is dressed. I find the crying and need for me to constantly prompt her incredibly difficult. I end up just zoning out. I'm looking for any ideas that might help things run a bit smoother. I don't feel I am handling it very well.

This is what the morning routine is meant to be:
7.20am I wake DD up (I've already got ready) She comes down stairs with her blanket and snuggles on the sofa
7.30am She eats her breakfast
7.45am She gets dressed (downstairs - we get clothes ready the night before - she has a bath at bedtime so just quick wash in morning)
7.55am I do her hair
8am She goes upstairs to wash face, hands and brush teeth
8.10am Get bag ready, shoes and coat on
8.20am Leave for school

What actually happens:
7.20am I wake DD up. She doesn't want to get up and starts crying. After much cajoling I manage to get her downstairs where she goes back to sleep on the sofa
7.35am I've made DD's breakfast but need to wake her up again. Cue more fussing and crying.
7.40am DD is now awake but her porridge is too hot or her cereal doesn't have enough milk etc More cajoling to get her to eat.
7.55am Start panicking about the time and try and rush DD through her breakfast. As more fussing ensues my patience is wearing thin!
8am Encourage DD to get dressed. She keeps trying to go back to sleep on the sofa. Prompt each clothing item in order. Stress about the time and remind DD we will be late if she doesn't hurry. Cue loads of crying and panicking from her. Sound like a stuck record repeatedly telling her to get dressed. Start zoning out the crying
8.15am I do DD's hair while she cries that I am hurting her. At the end of my tether...
8.20am No time for washing/brushing teeth - give her a mint!! Finally snap and raise my voice telling her to put on her coat and shoes. She can't find them as she did not put her shoes on the shoe rack or coat on her hook despite constant reminders!
8.30 Have to fast walk to school in order to not be late. At this point just focusing on getting there and ignoring DD's crying.

Please help!

as a Mum of 3 with adhd. spld and autism. You're starting too late.

You and she need to be out of bed at 7am for a cat in hell's chance of being there on time. You must must must clean her teeth! That's non negotiable.

3Daddy31982 · 24/01/2022 12:28

ps blankets are for bedtime. Don't make life so hard for yourself!

3Daddy31982 · 24/01/2022 12:29

shoes and coat by the door ready to go x

Jellycatspyjamas · 24/01/2022 12:29

I think it depends on whether you think the issue is behavioural (in which case bribery, cajoling etc will help), or signs of additional support needs in which case you need strategies to help her with organisation, sensory issues etc. You said you suspected ASD, are there other things pointing you in that direction? Applying behaviour management techniques for something she doesn’t have control over would a counter productive.

itsgettingweird · 24/01/2022 12:32

My ds is autistic.

When he was this age I also used visuals.

If I left him to it and he didn't know what to do next he'd be totally distracted. Multiply that by the number of tasks that need doing (he's 17 and not much better now!).

What I did when was was younger was have pictures of favourite activities or tv programmes. These were laminated and cut up to make a jigsaw. I had one laminated sheet with a list/picture of chores and a separate one.

So every time he completed a job he took that bit of puzzle (he chose the reward the night before). When he'd completed all his jobs he'd completed the puzzle and could have the reward. We'd factor in 15 minutes of time in the morning for this. This was also on the timetable.

This became 2 fold. It kept him on task as he knew what to do and if he actually did it in a timely fashion and without a fuss he'd get the full 15 minutes. If he faffed or got distracted or snuggled up on the sofa when he should be getting dressed he'd lose some or all of his reward. Not as a punishment but as a natural consequence of not focusing.

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 24/01/2022 12:32

@theusuall

My DD has ADHD and I've found (from experience myself as a child) that doing the logical thing and giving plenty of time is actually soooo much worse for her.

She leaves at 8.30am and I wake her up between 8am and 8.10am. It means everything is a mad rush, I feel like a bloody drill sergeant, and I require a stiff cup of tea at 8.32, but that's exactly what she needs. Breakfast is wolfed down. Clothes are thrown on. Face is wiped after a quick brush of hair and teeth and she's shoved out the door before she knows what's even hit her. All while her younger NT sister has a relaxed morning much like your desired schedule.

I mention all this because it seems like you might be suspecting autism and it can share a lot of symptoms with ADHD, which absolutely needs a sense of urgency for it to be effective / easy / enjoyable.

If someone tried to wake me up and demand I get ready an entire hour before I actually had to leave I think I would be crying too I absolutely will not do it until I absolutely have to i.e 15mins before I need to leave the house.

Everyone is different of course, but it might be worth having a chat with your daughter and seeing if she wants to try this? If it ends in disaster then it's one morning of lateness, but at least you tried.

Oh yes, I'm thinking there could be ADHD in there as well as or instead of autism. I definitely know what you mean in that if you think you have all the time in the world you relax too much!

OP posts:

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 24/01/2022 12:34

@theusuall

Oh also - wake her up with something. A cold glass of milk, a warm hot choc, an ice cube, a cup of baby tea. Whatever she'll drink. I find this really helps DD.

I'll try this.

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Redwinestillfine · 24/01/2022 12:34

No breakfast until they are dressed, no screen time, maybe offer a carrot of a ick story IF they are all ready by half an hour before you need to leave the house

3Daddy31982 · 24/01/2022 12:35

I have three who'd rather chew an arm off than get onto transport...

Crying (ignore - you and they know they don't mean it)

You need to be out that door for 8.20 - you can do it and you can make her. (I favour bribery and corruption)

1 has ODD and he wants to not do ANYTHING. Ever...

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 24/01/2022 12:36

@3Daddy31982

ps blankets are for bedtime. Don't make life so hard for yourself!

She has her blanket with her as much as possible!

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Wnkingawalrus · 24/01/2022 12:38

Would she drinks cup of milk in bed when she wakes up? Might help wake her up and also fill her up a bit so if she doesn’t have time to finish breakfast at least she won’t be hungry. My eldest is very slow at breakfast but I don’t worry because he’s had milk and it’s not actual that long until morning break at school.

RestingPandaFace · 24/01/2022 12:38

I’d turn the routine on it’s head

7.20am wake DD up and get dressed in bedroom in laid out clothes*
7:25 wash and hair in bathroom*
7:35 downstairs for breakfast - cereal so messing about for porridge to co
7.55am teeth at kitchen sink or downstairs loo
8:00 bag ready shoes and cost out in the hall
Only when all of that is done TV
8.20 Get shoes and coat and leave for school

*hover in the bedroom but don’t intervene unless going off track.

All the necessary stuff done first and TV only at the end and if no tears, and I agree with PP that say bedtime comes forward until she can get out of bed without crying.

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 24/01/2022 12:40

@Jellycatspyjamas

I think it depends on whether you think the issue is behavioural (in which case bribery, cajoling etc will help), or signs of additional support needs in which case you need strategies to help her with organisation, sensory issues etc. You said you suspected ASD, are there other things pointing you in that direction? Applying behaviour management techniques for something she doesn’t have control over would a counter productive.

Yes, there are other things pointing at ASD and/or possibly ADHD. I don't think it is behavioural. She is generally very well behaved.

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theusuall · 24/01/2022 12:43

Oh yes, I'm thinking there could be ADHD in there as well as or instead of autism. I definitely know what you mean in that if you think you have all the time in the world you relax too much!

Totally! And (being adhd myself) the thought of an hour long compulsory routine just fills me with dread. Double dread if I know deep down I can do it much faster by rushing like mad.

I'd be seeing if there are things you could cut? Now mine is 11 and walks herself we have to do a quick breakfast (otherwise she'll forget to eat) but when I walked her at 9 she'd have a croissant / crepe / weetabix drink etc on the walk to school. Then I'd bring her clothes to the bed and she'd dress there, straight to the bathroom, then coats and shoes and done.

She's very much like me and dreams of waking at 6am and having these long relaxing mornings where we drink tea and watch the news and chat about our evening plans but it just doesn't work. She struggles to fall asleep (and again, being put to bed at 7pm because I was a horror in the mornings scarred me for life and I refuse to do that to her) so I've always done later bedtimes and late as possible lie ins. Now at 11 she falls asleep between 11 and 12 and gets up at 8ish, and mornings / evenings are far more stress free than they would be forcing her to bed at 8 or 9 and trying to get her up at 6 or 7.

sunstripe · 24/01/2022 12:55

It doesn’t sound like she’s getting enough sleep. My almost 8.5yo has a bath at 6.30 and is in bed at 7. She can read until 8 if she wants but she’s often asleep before then. She wakes naturally at around 7, so is getting more sleep. We have the same routine every day, even on weekends. They can find it harder to sleep if they’re over tired, and it makes everything harder because it affects their mood too.

sunstripe · 24/01/2022 12:55

Not almost 8.5yo - she’s between 8.5 and 9.

Chloemol · 24/01/2022 12:56

At 9 she should be able to get herself ready

So no sofa, she gets up, at 7.15am has a wash gets dressed. Comes downstairs for breakfast 7.45. Then 8.05 brush teeth, sort bag leave at 8.20

And sorry you need to just leave. If she is not ready she goes as she is

adaptiveness · 24/01/2022 12:57

I am autistic and I think you need your routine to be more consistent. This is what I would do:

Same bedtime and wake up every night. Sleep routines can be very important for autistic people. Earlier bedtime if still falling asleep in the morning.
07:20 Get up, clothes on, shoes on, hair and teeth brushed immediately. Before leaving the bedroom. This gets all the difficult bits out of the way, and lets you reward efficiency with play time.
She can then do whatever she wants until breakfast. Just no screens or blankets. Make sure those are all put away the night before. Make sure she gets loads of blanket time at other times of day, but it is clearly causing an issue in the mornings.
07:50 Breakfast laid out 30 mins before she needs to go. She can choose to eat or not. Wipe face and hands at the table, with a warm flannel.

08:20 Everything else packed up the night before, so you can just go. You carry shoes and coat if she won't put them on yet. Don't get into an argument at this last stage.

Porfre · 24/01/2022 13:01

Would a breakfast club be an idea?

So you have less to do at home.
Just get ready and drop at school where she can have her breakfast at leisure?

magicstars · 24/01/2022 13:01

Agree with PP- maybe she needs an earlier bedtime? I'm wondering if bedtimes are a slog though too & she's asleep later than intended?

My Ds can be hard work in the mornings. I've found waking him up with upbeat music playing on his room to help his motivation. Bill withers - lovely day, wake up boo, good day sunshine, that kinda thing.

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 24/01/2022 13:06

@Porfre

Would a breakfast club be an idea?

So you have less to do at home.
Just get ready and drop at school where she can have her breakfast at leisure?

I'm.not sure!

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Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 24/01/2022 13:07

@adaptiveness

I am autistic and I think you need your routine to be more consistent. This is what I would do:

Same bedtime and wake up every night. Sleep routines can be very important for autistic people. Earlier bedtime if still falling asleep in the morning.
07:20 Get up, clothes on, shoes on, hair and teeth brushed immediately. Before leaving the bedroom. This gets all the difficult bits out of the way, and lets you reward efficiency with play time.
She can then do whatever she wants until breakfast. Just no screens or blankets. Make sure those are all put away the night before. Make sure she gets loads of blanket time at other times of day, but it is clearly causing an issue in the mornings.
07:50 Breakfast laid out 30 mins before she needs to go. She can choose to eat or not. Wipe face and hands at the table, with a warm flannel.

08:20 Everything else packed up the night before, so you can just go. You carry shoes and coat if she won't put them on yet. Don't get into an argument at this last stage.

Thank you, very helpful. I agree, I'm autistic and have to have very rigid routines.

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