Losing the will to live getting ready for school!

[UndertheCedartree]

My DD is 9yo. Her older DB has autism and I'm starting to suspect perhaps she has too.

Mornings before school are awful especially Monday mornings. She fusses from the moment she gets up to the moment I drop her at school. After Monday she's usually ok by the time we leave and if I'm lucky even after she is dressed. I find the crying and need for me to constantly prompt her incredibly difficult. I end up just zoning out. I'm looking for any ideas that might help things run a bit smoother. I don't feel I am handling it very well.

This is what the morning routine is meant to be:
7.20am I wake DD up (I've already got ready) She comes down stairs with her blanket and snuggles on the sofa
7.30am She eats her breakfast
7.45am She gets dressed (downstairs - we get clothes ready the night before - she has a bath at bedtime so just quick wash in morning)
7.55am I do her hair
8am She goes upstairs to wash face, hands and brush teeth
8.10am Get bag ready, shoes and coat on
8.20am Leave for school

What actually happens:
7.20am I wake DD up. She doesn't want to get up and starts crying. After much cajoling I manage to get her downstairs where she goes back to sleep on the sofa
7.35am I've made DD's breakfast but need to wake her up again. Cue more fussing and crying.
7.40am DD is now awake but her porridge is too hot or her cereal doesn't have enough milk etc More cajoling to get her to eat.
7.55am Start panicking about the time and try and rush DD through her breakfast. As more fussing ensues my patience is wearing thin!
8am Encourage DD to get dressed. She keeps trying to go back to sleep on the sofa. Prompt each clothing item in order. Stress about the time and remind DD we will be late if she doesn't hurry. Cue loads of crying and panicking from her. Sound like a stuck record repeatedly telling her to get dressed. Start zoning out the crying
8.15am I do DD's hair while she cries that I am hurting her. At the end of my tether...
8.20am No time for washing/brushing teeth - give her a mint!! Finally snap and raise my voice telling her to put on her coat and shoes. She can't find them as she did not put her shoes on the shoe rack or coat on her hook despite constant reminders!
8.30 Have to fast walk to school in order to not be late. At this point just focusing on getting there and ignoring DD's crying.

Please help!

@ffscovid

It sounds like (possibly the main) issue is that she's tired. My (year 7) 12 year old struggles to get up at 7:15 if she's not gone to bed until 9. Some children need more sleep and at 9, I suspect that she still needs around 11 hours of sleep. If she has issues actually going off to sleep, then she needs to be in bed earlier so that she's falling asleep at the desired time. Weekends - staying up a bit late is fine but anything more than 30-60 mins beyond her usual bedtime will disrupt her sleep pattern so that she struggles to get back to normal on Sunday. Ideally you need to be at a point where she's waking naturally around the time you need to be getting up. Ditch the sofa time - this is just an extension of the bed. Get up and sit at the table to eat. I think you'll find that once she's more awake due to getting more sleep, the rest of the morning will flow more smoothly. Imagine if you were being hauled out of bed earlier than you would naturally be awake and then forced to have breakfast whilst still nodding off.

She only stays up an hour late but think I might have to knock that on the head or could reduce it to 30 min because Monday mornings are always the worst! It's interesting what many posters are saying about waking naturally. I always have to have an alarm to wake up so I thought waking her was normal. And I can quite imagine as I'm a nurse so when doing ward work having to haul myself out of bed way too early and eat as who knows when you'd get another chance - not nice!!

We did getting dressed before breakfast this morning and it did seem to flow better.

I'd eat my hat if she doesn't have asd and school is not meeting her needs, hence all the difficulties in the mornings (been there done that!)

@Smileyduck

Oooh I have one of those, though he's only 6. Probably has ADHD. Surprisingly the mornings he has to get up early and go to breakfast club because I am working are the least stressful because there are less things to organise - get dressed, teeth and out the door.

On other mornings, I play 'The Lazy Song' full volume on my bedroom alexa to wake him up. He then changes it to whatever random song he's into that morning. I do finger food in the bedroom so there's no up and down the stairs (I know, not great for table manners but needs must in the morning) - hot cross bun/brioche/bread and butter depending what I've got. I nag but usually end up dressing him (perfectly capable of doing itself but one battle not worth fighting in the morning). It seems to work.

Completely agree about dressing. Tbh I know lots of parents that do it.

And yes, I think there is a fine line between having enough time and too much (and therefore dragging all the anxiety out).

@OliviaBond

I'd eat my hat if she doesn't have asd and school is not meeting her needs, hence all the difficulties in the mornings (been there done that!)

I agree. My 10 year old DD is the same. A lightbulb moment a fee months ago came when I realised both myself and DD had strong ASD traits. We are now on the path to assement / diagnosis. I had a lot on my plate and was on my knees. I've got school nurse, SENCO and all the teachers on board, just waiting for CAHMS.

My biggest realisation was that DD was exhausted with crippling anxiety and from masking at school. Even though she sleeps well, she is permanently drained.

Get up 1 hour earlier. Let her wake up slowly downstairs if she needs to.

Redy brek is instant porridge, half boiling water and half milk, done.

I hate the morning rush and can only get there on time by getting up and being ready at least 20 minutes before we actually have to leave. It's better to have a leisurely journey and wait a bit than the other hell!

My 8 year old is a pita a lot of mornings. I wouldn’t do porridge. Takes too long. I also don’t allow any sitting in sofa or tv watching until she’s dressed, cleaned teeth and had breakfast.

DS is not far off 9 and mornings aren't that different though he doesn't cry or go back to sleep. Just getting him to focus on a task like eating his breakfast, getting dressed is a nightmare. the only thing he just does is clean his teeth. Everything else is constant reminders. He does have ten minutes snooze on the alarm so it's not like alarm goes off and he has to jump out of bed immediately

I have started moving his bedtime back half an hour which means he tends to go to sleep about 45 minutes earlier but it's not led to any changes in the morning. And I can't manage an earlier start than we have already, I've already moved that back 15 minutes. And he doesn't care if he's late - and he often is.

@RainbowZebraWarrior - good to hear you are getting support. I totally agree that even if they sleep the day is still so exhausting for them.

@Wotsitsits

Get up 1 hour earlier. Let her wake up slowly downstairs if she needs to.

Redy brek is instant porridge, half boiling water and half milk, done.

I hate the morning rush and can only get there on time by getting up and being ready at least 20 minutes before we actually have to leave. It's better to have a leisurely journey and wait a bit than the other hell!

I think getting up at 6.20am would be overkill. We'd get too relaxed hanging around and end up being late! I also wouldn't always be able to get her into bed for such an early start every day due to an evening club. But I agree it is good to have a leisurely journey. We left 5 min early this morning and we were both less anxious.

@GrolliffetheDragon

DS is not far off 9 and mornings aren't that different though he doesn't cry or go back to sleep. Just getting him to focus on a task like eating his breakfast, getting dressed is a nightmare. the only thing he just does is clean his teeth. Everything else is constant reminders. He does have ten minutes snooze on the alarm so it's not like alarm goes off and he has to jump out of bed immediately

I have started moving his bedtime back half an hour which means he tends to go to sleep about 45 minutes earlier but it's not led to any changes in the morning. And I can't manage an earlier start than we have already, I've already moved that back 15 minutes. And he doesn't care if he's late - and he often is.

Oh dear, that sounds very tough. I don't know if a list of tasks or visuals would help him be a bit more independent?