Losing the will to live getting ready for school!

[UndertheCedartree]

My DD is 9yo. Her older DB has autism and I'm starting to suspect perhaps she has too.

Mornings before school are awful especially Monday mornings. She fusses from the moment she gets up to the moment I drop her at school. After Monday she's usually ok by the time we leave and if I'm lucky even after she is dressed. I find the crying and need for me to constantly prompt her incredibly difficult. I end up just zoning out. I'm looking for any ideas that might help things run a bit smoother. I don't feel I am handling it very well.

This is what the morning routine is meant to be:
7.20am I wake DD up (I've already got ready) She comes down stairs with her blanket and snuggles on the sofa
7.30am She eats her breakfast
7.45am She gets dressed (downstairs - we get clothes ready the night before - she has a bath at bedtime so just quick wash in morning)
7.55am I do her hair
8am She goes upstairs to wash face, hands and brush teeth
8.10am Get bag ready, shoes and coat on
8.20am Leave for school

What actually happens:
7.20am I wake DD up. She doesn't want to get up and starts crying. After much cajoling I manage to get her downstairs where she goes back to sleep on the sofa
7.35am I've made DD's breakfast but need to wake her up again. Cue more fussing and crying.
7.40am DD is now awake but her porridge is too hot or her cereal doesn't have enough milk etc More cajoling to get her to eat.
7.55am Start panicking about the time and try and rush DD through her breakfast. As more fussing ensues my patience is wearing thin!
8am Encourage DD to get dressed. She keeps trying to go back to sleep on the sofa. Prompt each clothing item in order. Stress about the time and remind DD we will be late if she doesn't hurry. Cue loads of crying and panicking from her. Sound like a stuck record repeatedly telling her to get dressed. Start zoning out the crying
8.15am I do DD's hair while she cries that I am hurting her. At the end of my tether...
8.20am No time for washing/brushing teeth - give her a mint!! Finally snap and raise my voice telling her to put on her coat and shoes. She can't find them as she did not put her shoes on the shoe rack or coat on her hook despite constant reminders!
8.30 Have to fast walk to school in order to not be late. At this point just focusing on getting there and ignoring DD's crying.

Please help!

@HP87

Wake her up earlier. Biggest thing that changed in our house is I do everything upstairs before we go down, dressed, teeth, hair. Dd is not allowed back upstairs once she is downstairs. Then it's just breakfast, coat, shoes downstairs. I also gave up on the shouting. I just said OK I'll call the school and tell them you'll be late. She once had to go through reception because she refused to get dressed. She hasn't done it again.

Would being late once make her change?

No, we have been late a few times and she just gets in a terrible state then the next day panics more about being late.

Short hair (a cute bob cut) will save you a lot of drama. At nine, it might be tough to convince her but mine had short hair from when they were little because brushing hair is such an unpleasant faff and pointless.

Doing all the upstairs things together seems to be popular so I think we should try it.

I have autism myself and do find it hard to put things in the right order so this advice is very helpful.

@Roselilly36

I can remember those days well, I have two DS’ 21 mths apart, school mornings were always hassle, often walked out of the door, with one of them crying or sometimes both! It does get easier, my two are 20 & nearly 19 now, totally best friends, but as little ones they were always fighting, drove me around the bend at times. Used to feel like I had already done a days work, by the time I got to the office.

I know the feeling!

She sounds like she’s still tired so getting more sleep in (over the course of the week, not just on a Sunday) is likely to help.

If she’s not one to be rushes but equally doesn’t like being late can you get her up a little earlier?
The sofa time would stop me in my tracks too - why would you want to get going when you’re comfy and warm on the sofa? I think that bit needs a rethink. Can sofa time in the morning be a weekend thing only?
Ours have always got washed and dressed before coming downstairs. When they were younger we sometimes ended up with breakfast on their school jumpers but not very often. That shouldn’t be a problem with a 9 year old.
Would a picture timeline help if you’re going to give the morning routine a revamp? So she can see what happens when - so I waking up picture, then a shower / wash picture, then a brushing teeth one, dressing etc….
It sounds stressful so I hope you manage to improve things

@Hospedia

I'd wake her at 7 rather than 7.20 and put her to bed earlier to compensate for it. I agree about doing face/teeth before breakfast too to help wake her up. Is she getting enough iron? Tiredness can be a sign she isn't so a vitamin supplement could be worth trying.

I'd offer just cereal or fruit and yoghurt on a school morning because porridge is too much of a faff when you're on a time limit. Get her to get dressed while you're sorting out her breakfast, it'll help wake her up some more and stops her going back to sleep while waiting for it, just leave off her jumper/cardigan in case of any slops.

Plait her hair before bed each night so that it's tangle-free in the morning, makes it much easier as you can undo it and either replait it or put it in a ponytail. A detangling spray helps and if you're running short on time in the morning you can just tidy up the bedtime plait with some spray and a comb without having to undo it all.

Would a visual schedule help her? You could laminate it so she can tick off as she goes.

And if all else fails after youve done everything you can, let her be late. On mornings when my DC take the absolute piss I point out to them that I am doing x, y, and z to get them ready on time but if they don't want to engage then that's fine, I left school over twenty years ago so it's not me who will get a de-merit for being late. That's usually enough to put a rocket up them.

I will try a vitamin, thank you. I'll try the bedtime plait. I think I'm definitely going to try a visual schedule too.

I'd say earlier to bed to see if that helps.

In the morning I'd cut out the opportunities for to sit on the sofa and fall asleep . It might mean she can stay in bed a bit longer. I know it's difficult as you have another child to get ready too but something like

Get up
Wash, do teeth and get dressed.
Downstairs for breakfast (with an apron on to keep clean)

Help clear up her own breakfast dishes (stack in sink pr dishwasher)
Last minute face wipe (keep a flannel downstairs)
Last things into her bag, coat on and go.

@User12398712

What time does she get up at the weekends? Is it worth trying to keep the same routine all week as the change in routine, and possibly sleep pattern, on a Monday seems to be an issue.

She generally gets up about 9 on the weekend. I have to say I love a weekend lie in but I might have to for go it

Always get them dressed before they go down. Mine aren't allowed to do anything until dressed! I would also get up earlier at seven as gives her longer to come round.

@MaizeAmaze

No blanket on the sofa unless she is totally ready for school. I'd get her up earlier (possibly with an earlier bedtime), breakfast, bathroom, clothes/hair, then sofa and TV until time to go if everything done in time. Might a sunrise lamp help? Set the light to start coming on at 6.45, ready for her to get up at 7am.

A sunrise lamp is a good idea, thank you.

Mornings were always my stress point when my kids were young. No concept of time or hurrying. It got better when they went to secondary school and I was no longer responsible for getting them there on time, and I could leave them to it.

Sympathies but no advice.

@RogerDodger

Bed an hour earlier (is she struggling to settle at night? Speak to GP about melatonin) Wake her up ten minutes earlier. Have clothes all ready in bedroom and dress her before she leaves the room. Down for breakfast Have face cloth, toothpaste & toothbrush permanently by the kitchen sink and do those there. You take responsibility for checking her bag, coat and shoes are in the place they need to be every evening as soon as she comes in from school/finishes homework. Don’t just trust her to do it, walk her through it everyday.

She does struggle sometimes. Sometimes if she can't sleep she'll come into my bed and I'll give her a cuddle and she tends to drop off quickly then. I'm wondering if a weighted blanket would help.

@cherrytopcake

Sounds hard work op. Sorry to hear this. Sorry to say this but this is behaviour I'd expect from an unruly pre schooler. Not a 9 year old. You're right to feel drained but you can change this around.

-move bed time to 30mins earlier

-wake her up at 7am (which means you'll need to get up a bit earlier to get everything ready but worth it to fix the situation). You need more time so you're not nagging and she doesn't feel rushed.

-prep breakfast before you wake her. Make sure temperature is perfect. Enough milk etc. Maybe prep something else ? She could be bored from porridge. Greek yogurt and fruit ? Cheerios ? Toast ?

-she gets up at 7 and goes straight to the table to eat breakfast. No need to go near the sofa. Don't let her eat in front on telly or on sofa...

If she's trying to go back onto the sofa after breakfast, don't let her. I'd suggest try getting her dressed either upstairs so she can't return to sofa... or next to the table straight after food.

Then teeth, hair, shoes, coat afterwards. Make sure bag coat and shoes are ready (unfortunately you'll need to baby her in these first instances).

Out the door.

If she's wasting time over breakfast and you're getting stressed. I'd suggest pausing breakfast and skip to getting ready. She might not be hungry so early in the morning. If she's dragging her feet over the food eating, move onto getting ready. You could then offer fruit and toast to eat whilst walking to school. Change it up. Do something radically different. Some will frown at this but at least she'll have brushed her teeth and had something to eat. Don't skip teeth brushing op, they're so important. X

Finally you can do some reading online and and check out Amy McCready - positive parenting solutions (author 'if I have to tell you one more time'). She has lots of positive and pragmatic tips to help children and parents in your situation. She helps parents build up autonomy and independence over time, because there comes a point where your daughter needs to be able to get herself ready and you don't want to be helping/nagging her for ever.

Best of luck! X

Thank you so much

Our routine depends on whether there DS is going to breakfast club or not.

6.45 - wake up DS (though 9/10 times he is already awake)
7.00 - chase him to clean his teeth, get dressed (clothes out the night before) and pack his bag (lunch made the night before)
7.10 - downstairs and shoes, coat and bag on
7.15 - leave and walk 15 mins to school

6.45 - wake up DS (although he is often awake).
7.15 - breakfast. Is allowed to watch his iPad if he is down on time and eats without any fuss.
7.45 - clean teeth, get dressed and pack bag
7.55 - allowed to play iPad or watch TV if ready
8.10 - shoes, coat and bag on
8.15 - leave the house

Not sure this helps but perhaps our routine is worth a look at? DS is 6 and DD 2.

6 am: Spouse alarm goes off and he gets up, uses loo and he makes part of DS breakfast ready (cereal and mill). He also lays out clothes for DS. I have coffee and get ready for day.

630 am: DS gro clock goes off and he comes down, eats breakfast whilst Daddy does washing up and unloads dishwasher

645 am. Daddy goes to shower (and shortly leaves for work). I am down, I cook DS a poached egg, and we sit and do some learning with my hot drink. He does either maths games, or some topic from a book he loves or anything else he picks for 5 mins.

7 am. DS is free! He gets dressed whilst watching Netflix, plays Minecraft. I go up to DD and wake her and get her ready.

730: DS Comes up and joins us to brush teeth with DD and play a bit in her room

740: we are all down and DS plays iPad games or runs around with dog whilst DD eats toast or cereal

8 am: we leave to drop DS off at morning club. And then DD at nursery

845 am: I sit down to work.

They go to bed at 7 pm and 730 pm.

@CatSpeakForDummies

Has she always been like this or is it a recent change? Could she be having a growth spurt and be needing more sleep? Talk to her in the evening about how you both can make it better, but make it clear that you are not willing to carry on like this. I have a 10yo DD with ASD and she is able to sit down with me and figure out what changes she would like to make, it isn't a reason for me to manage everything for her. If I say "you were tired this morning, so you are going to bed earlier tonight," she goes - it's logical and clear.

I agree that she needs to go to bed earlier until she is behaving better in the morning, keep putting it forward until you find the right time, so she's getting enough sleep. I would also move the breakfast from the sofa to the table, put the sofa completely out of bounds in the morning. Maybe wash the cushion covers and make it not an option the first day, rather than a point of contention.

Involve her in the decision making - say "if you are not dressed in the next ten minutes then you are going to bed 10 minutes earlier tonight and getting up ten minutes earlier tomorrow morning." Then leave her to it - let her see the issue in context rather than a panic. Similarly "you can either brush your own hair, let me brush it without fuss or have a hair cut?"

I would have a few cereal bars in as well, if she doesn't eat her breakfast in time then chuck her a cereal bar for the school run but dragging out the timescale isn't an option.

Good luck, hopefully more sleep will be enough to fix it, it's amazing how much difference it makes!

She has always been like it. Although it can go through phases of being better or worse. I think she is having a growth spurt as she has been wetting the bed which always seems to be a sign! She doesn't have breakfast on the sofa but it is in the same room as the dining table so when she comes down she goes straight to the sofa!

Visual timetable

I have two doing similar.

I changed it up and it’s working.

They wake up, dress and teeth and go downstairs. No going back up. And iPads are downstairs (that is the lure)
Then breakfast, medication, hair brushed, shoes on last, go.

They can have their iPads while the eat. They are very settled at this point.

Then we take the dog, pile into the car and we have even managed to walk the dog before school now.

(This is all new for 2022, I used to let them get onto the couch, try dressing them on the couch… moans and protests… nipping back upstairs for teeth and getting distracted by toys or whatnot, now it’s jobs to be done upstairs, then down they go).

I only have one filling at 55 and I’ve always brushed my teeth before breakfast.
Orange juice especially is acidic and weakens the enamel so brushing after is a really bad idea.

My kids occasionally even went to school with breakfast down their school uniforms if we didn’t have time to change, but dressing after breakfast was a no, no. Just wouldn’t have worked. As others have said, everything upstairs first, then breakfast then the trauma of actually leaving the house.

Wake her up 10 minutes before she has to get up so she has 10 minutes to snooze to replace the sofa rigamarole.

@HSHorror

I agree with others it doesnt scream asd. More tiredness. What time is she asleep. Is she getting 10+ hours?

I suspect my dc have asd.
Dc2 6 is hard currently to wake but that has been since its been dark in mornings and cold. In summer she hardly sleeps. Also she has been ill a lot recently. She does toilet, then milk yoghurt and strawberries/grapes. Clothes - me putting them on her. Hair then teeth.
Dc1 9. Milk toast and honey or peanut butter or wheetabix. Me dressing her, hair glasses, toilet. Teeth.

Having to dress them is a common theme it seems with asd kids. I think mine
Dont want to go to school/get cold/stop watching tv/playing on their game. But honestly even without that dc1 can just do nothing for ages.

Mine can get dressed quickly on weekends but sometimes that is a battle too

I still often have to dress my DD in the morning. Although, she gets dressed herself on the weekends.

My DD has ADHD and I've found (from experience myself as a child) that doing the logical thing and giving plenty of time is actually soooo much worse for her.

She leaves at 8.30am and I wake her up between 8am and 8.10am. It means everything is a mad rush, I feel like a bloody drill sergeant, and I require a stiff cup of tea at 8.32, but that's exactly what she needs. Breakfast is wolfed down. Clothes are thrown on. Face is wiped after a quick brush of hair and teeth and she's shoved out the door before she knows what's even hit her. All while her younger NT sister has a relaxed morning much like your desired schedule.

I mention all this because it seems like you might be suspecting autism and it can share a lot of symptoms with ADHD, which absolutely needs a sense of urgency for it to be effective / easy / enjoyable.

If someone tried to wake me up and demand I get ready an entire hour before I actually had to leave I think I would be crying too I absolutely will not do it until I absolutely have to i.e 15mins before I need to leave the house.

Everyone is different of course, but it might be worth having a chat with your daughter and seeing if she wants to try this? If it ends in disaster then it's one morning of lateness, but at least you tried.

I think if you're having to wake her every morning then she isn't getting enough sleep

@Jellycatspyjamas

She sounds like my 10 year old who has additional support needs. Things that work are having plenty of time in the morning to wake and bring herself round, really simple breakfast, all clothes laid out in her room for her to get dressed before coming downstairs, hair in plaits after washing. The plaits usually come out before going to school but makes morning brushing really easy. Once I realised brushing hair is physically painful for her I took more time and am very gentle with her.

It’s difficult because you have a deadline to be out the door. We leave at 8.20, my DD wakes around 7 so she has lots of time in the morning. She really does need time to come to and can’t cope with rushing - she gets very panicked and tearful, I just build in time and give lots of reminders. I also remind myself she’s doing her best, frustrating as it may be for me.

Thank you very helpful.

Oh and a bribe that they could watch tv once they were ready and sitting with coats, bag and shoes on, or next to them.

The tv was rarely ever put on 😀

Oh also - wake her up with something. A cold glass of milk, a warm hot choc, an ice cube, a cup of baby tea. Whatever she'll drink. I find this really helps DD.