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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult children coming on holiday- who pays?

192 replies

autienotnaughty · 24/01/2022 07:34

So we have two adult children (early twenties) and one younger child (under ten). One dc works full time the other is at uni and works part time. We want to do a week abroad this year but can not afford to pay for adult children too. It's our first holiday abroad in a number of years. Last 7 years have all been uk in cottages/caravans and we have always paid for everything. I've not spoke to dc yet but I want to invite them but ask them to pay their own flight /hotel I'm aiming around £500 pp then maybe ask for a contribution towards food but us pay the majority. Drinks (alcohol) just get our own. AIBU?

OP posts:
rookiemere · 24/01/2022 14:49

I think the idea of either doing the abroad holiday just with child DC and a full family holiday in UK, or a foreign trip on the ferry rather than flying are the best suggestions.

Apart from anything else, it's natural for your DCs to spread their wings once they are adults and holiday with their friends.

We do a big family holiday with SIL and her now grown up family. Last year was awkward because SIL and BIL have just retired and they usually pay for all of their families share. They've started suggesting others should pick up some of the tab, but we're already paying proportionately more than our share and all the adults earn to some extent. Not sure how relevant that is to your circumstances though Grin.

MumWithYOPD · 24/01/2022 15:03

@Roselilly36

We always pay for our DS’ 20 & nearly 19, they probably wouldn’t come on holiday with us otherwise! 😂
I was going to say the same 🤣

Personally if I couldn’t afford to take them (22 & 20 both students) we would look for something different that we could afford. That said what you’re suggesting sounds ok to me. You’ll find out what your DC think when you put it to them and may tweak your plans based on their reaction.

Nonivknamesforcatapillars · 24/01/2022 15:08

I haven’t read the whole thread, so sorry if this is a repeat.

I feel that you have a financial obligation to your offspring until they have finished their undergrad degree. With that in mind I would offer to pay for the student, but maybe choose somewhere that is slightly less than £500 per person. This is totally possible, we have a week in the summer abroad 3 adults 1 child b&b for £270 per person. The adult working full time would be welcome, but would have to pay for themselves. The student and child would likely have to share a room, but the adult would get their own.

To me this seems like the fairest way of doing things. If the student is older and this is a masters they are doing then it’s a bit different IMO and both adults should pay the majority of their own costs.

5thHelena · 24/01/2022 15:42

@autienotnaughty

It's interesting because thinking about it I would say each of us have roughly the same disposable income. Obviously we earn more but have higher out going student earns least but has virtually no outgoings.
I don't think outgoings is the issue. You're the parent and it's a family holiday so surely it's down to you to pay for a student..
Hillarious · 24/01/2022 15:51

I'd continue to do the affordable holidays in the UK until the uni student has graduated, and then go abroad with just the youngest.

We're out of the habit of family holidays because of the pandemic, but once feasible, I'd be expected to pay for my adult (working) children if I invited them to come on holiday with me. We've previously done cycling holidays, which do away with the problem of planning what to do each day. I'd love to do another one. It's a great way to spend time together, but it would be my choice of holiday, so I'll pay. The kids love it because they get to spend time together, and dad's buying the beers.

Myitchyv · 24/01/2022 15:56

O that is tricky. I can't imagine the student having the funds to pay but if you ask tge eitkibg one to pay it eill seem unfair.
No easy answer.

Kite22 · 24/01/2022 15:57

YANBU to ask them, as long as you understand they probably won't go.

I mean, obviously if you can't afford it, then you can't afford it, but it makes no sense for young adults to pay school holiday prices to go on a holiday with their parents when they could scoot off with their friends, or even just each other outside of the high season for half the cost.

My dc would probably come on a family holiday if I were treating them, but it isn't good use of their money to pay school holiday prices for a holiday with their parents when they could go twice with different groups of mates for the same money.

Haven't voted as I think YANBU to ask if they want to but I think YABU to expect them to come on those terms.

Myitchyv · 24/01/2022 16:00

@eldora how on earth did you manage to pay for a parent to go on holiday. Dd is looking at University and her loans won't even cover half her accommodation costs let along food or spending money.
Even with a part time job she is going to seriously be relying on bank of Mum and Dad.

Rewis · 24/01/2022 16:01

I think it depends whether you are want/expect/are asking for the adult children to come to the holiday. Or if they are requesting to join you.

If they are requesting to join then they should pay for their own way or significant portion. If you are expecting/hoping they come then you should pay for significant portion or all

AlwaysLatte · 24/01/2022 16:04

We always pay when we've taken my adult stepchildren away but if we couldn't afford it we would ask them to contribute.

Fairylightsongs · 24/01/2022 17:32

I’d also do a cheaper holiday op that you can pay for them all. I don’t think it’s right to do what you’re suggesting. I’m sorry.

Fairylightsongs · 24/01/2022 17:34

@autienotnaughty

It's interesting because thinking about it I would say each of us have roughly the same disposable income. Obviously we earn more but have higher out going student earns least but has virtually no outgoings.
Your student child has the same disposable income as you do as parents jointly?
ManicPixie · 24/01/2022 17:38

I guess you can ask but speaking only for myself I wouldn’t exactly have relished spending half a grand to go on holiday with my family at the age. Particulars when at uni when going gone was the holiday.

ManicPixie · 24/01/2022 17:38

*going home

eldora · 24/01/2022 17:39

[quote Myitchyv]@eldora how on earth did you manage to pay for a parent to go on holiday. Dd is looking at University and her loans won't even cover half her accommodation costs let along food or spending money.
Even with a part time job she is going to seriously be relying on bank of Mum and Dad.[/quote]
I lived at home, had a part time job and had a student loan.

My mum had much less disposable income than me.

I did pay rent when I graduated. (£250pm)

namechanged221 · 24/01/2022 17:42

I pay for DD and her boyfriend as they're both at Uni.
I pay for all accommodation, so if we have a villa or cottage etc.

eldora · 24/01/2022 17:52

Does dd's boyfriend pay for his own flight, if abroad?

Myitchyv · 24/01/2022 17:58

@eldora that makes sense. I was shocked how much debt DD will clock up and her loans won't even cover half her accommodation

Original poster
autienotnaughty · 24/01/2022 18:06

[quote Myitchyv]@eldora that makes sense. I was shocked how much debt DD will clock up and her loans won't even cover half her accommodation[/quote]
It is parents income based unfortunately. My dc loan covers accommodation and a bit left over. We pay for food so her earnings from her job are all hers.

OP posts:
Liveandlove91 · 24/01/2022 18:07

If my mum and dad explained the situation I would definitely be happy to help pay towards if you don't ask you don't no. Good luck x

Myitchyv · 24/01/2022 18:23

@autienotnaughty We are going to pay for her accommodation I think. Thankfully she has always been low maintenance.
I guess I will have to try and get more work or economise somewhere.

Seashor · 24/01/2022 18:27

If I want my adult children to come, I pay, including their partners.

Runnerduck34 · 24/01/2022 18:36

I think it will be hard for the student DC to afford it tbh, the one working full time maybe able to afford it depending on earnings/ outgoings, if they are on minimum wage it might be a stretch.
Tbh we pay for our two oldest DC to come on holiday with us one is a student and one is an apprentice so neither have a lot of money .
I think you need to be very upfront about what you expect them to pay for, be prepared for them to say no but also the possibility for resentment if one DC comes as they can afford to pay and the other stays at home simply because they can't afford it.
Also with siblings another thing to bare in mind is did you offer the same sort of holiday to them when they were youngest DC age?
I do sympathise though as holidaying with teens/ young adults isn't cheap.

Datsandcogs · 24/01/2022 18:49

I think YABU to present the same situation to both D.C. in quite different financial circumstances.

My Mum took me on holiday into adulthood and paid for me. She was far better off than me. We enjoyed time together that I couldn’t have funded myself.

If you want your DC there then I think you should fund at least part of it, more for the student DC. It’s fair to ask for a contribution.

whynotwhatknot · 24/01/2022 18:55

Can you offer to pay the difference between off peak and when youre going it seems unfair to ask them to pay plus it has to be in school holidays

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