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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult children coming on holiday- who pays?

192 replies

autienotnaughty · 24/01/2022 07:34

So we have two adult children (early twenties) and one younger child (under ten). One dc works full time the other is at uni and works part time. We want to do a week abroad this year but can not afford to pay for adult children too. It's our first holiday abroad in a number of years. Last 7 years have all been uk in cottages/caravans and we have always paid for everything. I've not spoke to dc yet but I want to invite them but ask them to pay their own flight /hotel I'm aiming around £500 pp then maybe ask for a contribution towards food but us pay the majority. Drinks (alcohol) just get our own. AIBU?

OP posts:
Enzbear · 24/01/2022 09:16

We usually take our adult children to somewhere like center parcs once a year, we pay for the accomodations and a food shop for eating in, they have to pay for their food/drinks out etc. They're all happy with that. One of our dc had a huge inheritance but we still pay because it's our treat.

QuestionsorComments · 24/01/2022 09:18

It's perfectly reasonable to invite them on the basis that they pay for themselves, but in reality I think young adult children only choose to go away with parents when it comes with a free holiday, so you have to be prepared for them to say no.

Imstuck · 24/01/2022 09:19

I'm taking my 2 adult children on holiday with me and am paying for everything as I've invited them and I love their company ( as hopefully they enjoy mine!) Perhaps the one in full time employment might be happy to contribute but I certainly wouldn't expect a university student to. He/she can probably only just manage as it is. I think it just depends where you are financially. Do you really want them to come? Are you in a position to make it happen that they can? If you can then I would just do it. Life is short and young adults have had a horrible time in the last two years. If you can't then be absolutely frank about it and be absolutely up front about what payment you want. They would contribute to food but you'd pay the majority? That all sounds a bit vague to me.

TrickyD · 24/01/2022 09:31

We take our two DSs, their partners and the four grandchildren away somewhere hot in the summer. All inclusive so they do not need to pay for extras like food and drink.

To me it is a magical time, helped by the way they all get on so well.

We are shortly going on a family ski trip to France. We are staying at a ClubMed hotel which is not cheap. But it includes a lift pass, worth around £260 plus all drinks and food. We have asked the adults to pay £300 each to cover this and absolutely no grumbles.

If you can afford it, and everyone wants to come, I see no reason not to pay.

Why not discuss your proposed holiday with your children and see if they are happy to contribute or prefer to do their own thing?

Momijin · 24/01/2022 09:34

I would look at somewhere you can afford to pay for everyone. One is a student and the other quite young so I doubt they want to spend money and holiday time to go away with their family!

Desmondo2021 · 24/01/2022 09:35

I have adult kids and once working and living independently I wouldn't feel bad not paying for them. I simply couldn't afford it. If I could I would! This year I've smashed it tho... I did offer to take the older teenager on the family holiday (keeping my fingers crossed he declined as it was £1600pp!) Or I offered him a few hundred quid towards a holiday with his mates if he preferred that to 2 weeks at a lush family orientated All Inclusive resort! Naturally he has chosen the money for a mates break and I'm at least a grand better off!

Fairyliz · 24/01/2022 09:37

I have DC’s in their 20’s and they wouldn’t want to come with parents if they have to pay anything at all.
If you were funding your own holiday at that age wouldn’t you prefer to go with friends?

Briony123 · 24/01/2022 09:45

Young people travel on shoestring budgets and £500 can go a long way travelling with friends. £500 will seem extortion for a week.

Spinnier · 24/01/2022 09:47

"Totally fine either way just want them to be included if they want to."

And this is the rub. The student at least might actually feel a bit rejected if the "contribution" asked is not realistic.

You could even go the other way and offer them whatever you were going to spend on them joining you, to go away with their friends if they prefer. It depends what you're trying to achieve.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 24/01/2022 09:48

I'm 54 and still couldn't afford to pay for myself, so I'd have to decline. Can they afford it?

GiantSpider · 24/01/2022 09:50

You can ask if you like, but don't be surprised if they then choose not to come! I wouldn't have paid £500+ for a holiday with my parents at that age (and I say that as someone with a good relationship with my parents). I'd have spent the money on a break with my friends or boyfriend instead.

Fairylightsongs · 24/01/2022 10:00

I don’t see how the student could afford this. So by default are you not simply saying they can’t come?

byvirtue · 24/01/2022 10:06

I went on holiday with my parents until I was 25 when they retired and stopped paying!

There is no way on earth I would have paid to go on holiday with my parents, I love them but I had other priorities financial and holiday wise.

Now I have children I wouldn’t dream of asking them to pay to come on holiday with me.

Kitkat151 · 24/01/2022 10:06

We all pay for ourselves....my older 2 are 30 and 27 and earn as much as me if not more....they pay for themselves and their children..,,,my youngest is 23...I buy his travel insurance, pay his share of taxi to airport and this year have bought his flight.... he will pay the rest....My Mum pays for most expenses when we are there Eg meals out, trips..... she always says she can’t take it with her and she likes to treat us

womaninatightspot · 24/01/2022 10:09

@Wnkingawalrus

At that age the only reason to go on a family holiday is because it’s free.

Maybe let them know you are going, say you can’t afford to pay for everyone but they are welcome to join if they can cover themselves. I think that’s harsh on the student though.

This but it seems very mean to pay for the student and not pay for one.
Kitkat151 · 24/01/2022 10:09

@byvirtue

I went on holiday with my parents until I was 25 when they retired and stopped paying!

There is no way on earth I would have paid to go on holiday with my parents, I love them but I had other priorities financial and holiday wise.

Now I have children I wouldn’t dream of asking them to pay to come on holiday with me.

It’s different in my family....my children want to book family holidays.....and it’s lovely to see all my DGC having fun together ....we will babysit a couple of nights so they can have a couple of ‘date’ nights with their partners...,it works for us....but horses for course I guess
TheGonnagle · 24/01/2022 10:10

In this situation I’d get a villa and pay for it myself. Get the kids to pay for their own flights if they want to come.

amusedbush · 24/01/2022 10:10

@eldora

Yes, if they want to come they should pay.

At 20 (and a university student) I was taking my mum on holiday and paying for her.

I think that's pretty rare, nobody I knew at 20 was in a position to do that. I was 20 when I went on my final family holiday abroad and my parents paid for it, even though I was working full-time. However, I'm 31 and my mum still insists on paying for everything we do together, down to a cup of coffee!
user1471538283 · 24/01/2022 10:15

I've always paid for everything for my DS. He couldn't afford the kind of hotel we like to stay in and he probably would not come on holiday with me if he had to pay!

ashorterday · 24/01/2022 10:17

I think it depends on the situation. We treat our adult dc to holidays because we can afford to, if we couldn't I'd invite them and they'd have to pay their own way (we don't take them on every holiday we go on!)

Medievalist · 24/01/2022 10:24

Tbh, if I couldn't afford to pay for them all, I'd probably look at a cheaper holiday where I could afford to.

^^ this.

I don't think you can expect a student to hand over that much for a family holiday. And the working dc may feel unhappy if they are the only one having to contribute. Just because someone is working, doesn't mean they have spare cash. One of my dcs is working but by the time he's paid his rent and bills he's not much better off than when he was a student.

NellieWellietheEllie · 24/01/2022 10:24

I think a full time student (assuming they're registered on a full time course - I think whether they have a part-time job is irrelevant) is completely different to a young working adult. Your middle child is getting a rough deal here.

Rumplestrumpet · 24/01/2022 10:25

Realistically, are they going to pay from their limited spare cash for the holiday you're proposing? I had friends at university who wouldn't have gone home at Christmas if their parents hadn't paid the train fare.

As a university student my parents paid to take me on holiday. I appreciated it and we had fun. But it wasn't my dream holiday, not the location I would have chosen or the type of holiday I preferred (Low key rural village, not a dance floor in sight!).

Had they invited me without paying I would have smiled and declined, while privately thinking "what are they on?!".

Now I have small kids i pay for my parents to join us and help with childcare Grin

YukoandHiro · 24/01/2022 10:28

It's highly likely your uni student child won't be able to afford to come. Is it fair to leave one out?
Do the DC actually want to come? In my 20s I always did my own trips with friends or boyfriends, not go on family holidays.

Applesonthelawn · 24/01/2022 10:29

I think you can't be surprised if they don't want to come. If they are paying, they will want choice about where they go, what they do, probably more freedom about when they eat, etc. In any case I don't think the uni aged child should pay, it's only a question of the older one contributing. We pay for all ours and I'm sure they wouldn't come otherwise, because they have more pressing things to spend their money on.